by Mary Manners
“Can we have another story, too?”
“That’s up to Rena.”
“And a song, Uncle Cody.”
Cody tore his gaze from Rena. He turned to Seth, whose eyes were huge with delight. “Will you sing for us? You brought your guitar. I saw it in the hallway.”
“That depends on how fast you take your baths and get your pajamas on when we’re done playing.”
“Oh, we can be really fast. Even faster than Superman!”
“We’ll see about that. Why don’t you gather the toys? I’ll meet you in the living room.”
“OK, Uncle Cody. But hurry.”
A hush fell over them as the boys left, and Cody heard Rena draw a breath. “We have to talk.” He could no longer contain his desire to touch her, to hold her. He stroked her hair and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Please, Rena.”
“I…Cody, I don’t know what to say.”
“The words will come.” His heart raced, and he was sure she could feel the rush of his pulse. “Later.”
When the boys had played, and were bathed and dressed in pajamas, Cody delighted them with a mini-concert.
As his fingers strummed the chords of Who am I? Rena seemed lost in the words. She cuddled Tommy, closed her eyes and hummed along. Her hair, long and flowing and bright with hints of cinnamon, was tussled from playing soccer in the wind and wrestling with two rambunctious boys. Cody’s heart caught.
She’s beautiful.
“Can you sing, Miss Rena?” Seth startled her from some faraway place and her eyes flew open.
“She sings like an angel, sport.”
“I know.” Seth nodded. “She sang Love You Forever at Tommy’s birthday. Will you sing for us, Miss Rena? Please!”
She smiled. “How about just one song, then it’s story time? Your mom won’t be very happy if she comes home to find you both still wide awake this late on a school night.”
“OK.” The boys nodded in unison. “Play something good, Uncle Cody.”
Cody segued into Light the Fire. He loved the sound of Rena’s voice coupled with the passionate look in her eyes as her lips slid over the words. He wanted the song to go on forever.
When she finished, Seth clapped wildly and climbed into her lap with Tommy. “That was pretty. Sing another one!”
Cody longed to strum the guitar all night because singing with Rena, being close to her, made him feel alive in a way he’d never felt before. But he shook his head and tucked the guitar into its case.
“No, sport. The deal was one song. Now hop into bed with your brother so Rena can read to you.”
“Oh, do we hafta?”
“Yes. Go on, now.” He patted them both on the bottom and scooted them toward the bedroom before turning to Rena. “I’ll take the baby. He’s tuckered out. I’ll rock him and put him down while you read.”
Her gaze was like a smile. “Meet you when we’re done?”
“I wouldn’t settle for anything less.”
****
Rena nearly stumbled over Cody as he relaxed in an Adirondack chair beneath the hazy glow of a crescent moon.
“Mind if I sit?”
He nodded toward the chair beside him on the porch.
She slid into the chair and swallowed hard as she searched for the right words. She didn’t want to upset him, but she needed to be honest. He was right when he said he was tired of being confused and frustrated. It was way past time to come clean. She hadn’t been fair to either of them.
“You’re angry with me.”
Cody shook his head and gazed across the yard. Cicadas sang in the distance, and down the street, a dog barked. “I’m really not. It’s just...” He broke off and simply sighed. “I’m glad you came tonight. I’m mad as all get out at Jeanne right now, but I’ll get over it. This has been...”
“Interesting? Awkward?”
He leveled a look at her. Even through the darkness his intense blue eyes were striking. “I was going to say nice.”
“Oh.” Rena breathed in the scent of lilac bushes in full bloom along the edge of the deck.
He sat up to face her. “What happened last Monday? Why did you leave in such a rush? Why have you refused every one of my calls since then? I must have left you at least half-a-dozen messages.”
“I’m sorry.” She twisted a strand of her hair. “There are things you don’t know about me, Cody.”
“I won’t argue with that. You’ve done a great job building a fortress around your heart. A bulldozer couldn’t plow through it.”
“Ouch.” The words wounded. “I guess I deserve that. I’m not trying to be evasive. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“You sure could have fooled me.” The flash of pain in his eyes sliced right through her. “Sorry to tell you, but I’m hurting pretty bad right now.”
“Please, Cody.”
“Please, what? Please don’t care about you?” He leveled a look that said he wasn’t about to back down. “Too late. I already do.”
“You...I...” She cared about him, too. But she mustn’t. She couldn’t.
“I was hoping you’d grow to trust me, Rena. I thought you were beginning to. Have I done something to change that?”
“Y-you said some things Monday afternoon. Things about trust and forgiveness.”
“What things?” His eyes registered confusion. “I was pretty torn up, Rena. I honestly don’t remember much of what I said. But I remember you leaving. Please, tell me what made you run away.”
“I didn’t…run away.” But even as she denied it, she knew what he said was true. She grabbed the arms of the chair and held on. “You said you couldn’t face Jeanne after what happened. You said she’d never be able to trust you again with the boys, or forgive you for allowing Seth to get hurt.”
“Oh, that. I did feel bad. Jeanne’s been through so much. The last thing I want is to be the cause of more heartache. But I made a much bigger deal out of it than she did. Holding Seth, listening to him sob while the paramedics checked him over, really got to me. But Jeanne took one look at him, determined he was fine, strode into the kitchen and said, ‘Well, I guess this means I’ll finally get that new stove I’ve been wanting.’ That was it. You would have known all that if you’d hung around a little longer, or taken one of my calls. I tried to tell you...I wanted to tell you.”
“I-I don’t want to be hurt either, Cody. I was starting to-to...” Fall in love with you. “...really like you.”
Cody’s breath caught at her words. “I told you I’d never hurt you, Rena. You have to trust that. I wish I could make you see who I am.”
“I do see who you are. That’s not it. It’s me. You wouldn’t feel the same about me if you knew. I’ve done things, made mistakes. Bad ones. People got hurt.”
“Your baby?”
She had difficulty drawing a breath as she nodded. “It was h-horrible.”
“Tell me.” His gaze was hard, yet his voice was gentle. “I want to hear it from you.”
Rena forced the lump from her throat as she struggled with the words that needed to be said...before she lost her nerve.
“I-I left home right out of college. I thought I wanted more than this small town could give me, and in my mind, my mother had smothered me beyond belief. I loved to sing. I wanted to perform for a living, and I wasn’t content to find work here. I had always dreamed of more, so I decided to go to New York City. I was going to make it big, sing on Broadway and all that.” She lifted one hand and waggled her fingers, as if to brush away the memory. “My mother was so angry and disappointed. She told me I was making a huge mistake, and that my foolish pride would lead to a big fall. She said not to come crawling back home, not to ask for help.”
Rena still remembered the heated words and the awful argument that had ensued. More than a year passed before they spoke again.
I almost lost Mama, too.
“I met Carl while I was performing in a nightclub. He told me I was something special, and that he could ma
ke me a star. He was so convincing, so persuasive, I had no idea he’d pitched the same line to a string of girls before me. Oh, I fell for it just as he’d planned. And here I thought I was so worldly. Ha!” She paused to sigh. The words came with great difficulty.
“At first he was sweet and kind, and he even lined up a few promising auditions for me. I was star-struck and gullible. When he asked me over to his apartment one evening to discuss business, I didn’t think anything of it. We’d spent some time together before, and he always seemed above-board. He had a lot of connections in the city—with influential people—or so I thought. So I went.”
She didn’t want to continue, didn’t want him to know how foolish and naïve she’d been. But she had to. There was no other way.
“The conversation began innocently enough. Then...I don’t know. He started dropping innuendos. When I didn’t respond, he became angry. I tried to leave, but he blocked the door.” The rage in his eyes and the way his words fired like bullets still made her cringe. “He called me names...I can’t repeat them. He grabbed me and—” Even now, years later, the words came with great difficulty. The pain of his wrath seemed to yank her back. Her throat constricted and she had to force the words, force the breath past her lips. “He…raped me, and I got pregnant. I didn’t know what to do.” She wrapped her arms over her chest like a shield and rocked in the chair. “I thought about coming home, but my mother had made her feelings clear. I was disgraced...so ashamed.”
She glanced at Cody, but his face remained passive, masked.
“When Allie came, I knew I had to do something. She couldn’t help how she was conceived, and she deserved more than a life in a rundown apartment. I was determined to find a good job, to make things better for her. I found work in the county library, and I was allowed to bring Allie with me. I had a little office in the back, and soon I was managing all of the programs. Things were looking up, Cody. We were getting ready to move into a small house with a yard, near a park.” The residual pain faded, replaced with the joy she’d felt as she’d signed the rental papers. The little yellow house’s white picket fence had a storybook quality that felt like home. Her next memory sucker-punched her. No storybook ending for Allie. She sucked in a breath.
“And then it happened...the fire.” She twined her fingers and twisted them in her lap. “One night I had a meeting for the adult literacy program. It was important, because I was up for a promotion that meant more money—more security for Allie. But Allie had been fussy all day, so instead of taking her with me, I asked the girl across the hall to babysit.” Rena stood, paced the length of the deck. “She attended the local community college and seemed responsible enough. She’d kept Allie a few times for me before and had done a good job, so I didn’t think anything of it. I swear I wasn’t gone an hour, but when I returned I saw huge clouds of smoke billowing down the street.” The shriek of ambulance sirens and the gush of water from the fire hoses washed over her anew. She fought back tears while fire trucks rose like giants with antennae as tall rescue ladders extended in her mind’s eye.
She swallowed hard. “I rushed toward the building to find it...engulfed in flames. The babysitter was standing on the sidewalk, but she didn’t have Allie. She was hysterical, and she said Allie was still inside.
“The firefighters tried to stop me, but I raced into the building and screamed for Allie as if she’d answer.” Smoke had choked her—choked her now—and had blackened her vision. But she’d dropped to her knees and felt along the floor, the walls, to find her way.
I have to find Allie. She needs me!
She gasped as Cody reached out and took her hand. His gentle touch helped her to find her way from the pain of the memory. She looked into his eyes. “I stumbled up a burning staircase. I can still feel the tremendous heat and smell sulfur that scorched my lungs. A firefighter tackled me just as I reached the landing to my floor. He wouldn’t let me go.” She’d kicked and screamed as he’d tightened his grip like a vice. “Oh, I was so close. I heard Allie’s wails above the hiss of flames.” The baby’s cries still woke her in the night sometimes. “I went insane, kicking and clawing and shrieking with every ounce of strength I had.”
Just a few more feet…a few more and I would have had her in my arms, safe.
She fell back into the lounge chair as tears choked her. Cody splayed a hand across her shoulder and waited.
“Then suddenly I was falling.” She closed her eyes, jolting all over again as the stairs collapsed beneath her. “I dropped right through. I hit the concrete landing below and just sort of crumpled. The world went black.” She shook her head. “I don’t remember anything after that. I woke up in the hospital and Kelsie was with me. The doctors found her phone number in my purse and called her, and she flew in immediately. She came to help me even when my own mother didn’t.”
Rena trembled as she fought to tell Cody the rest. She closed her eyes and focused on his soothing strokes across her shoulder. “She told me Allie was gone. No one could get to her, not even the firefighters.” She opened her eyes, looked at him. “And it was my fault, Cody. If I’d gotten home sooner, hadn’t stayed to chat with the director, I’d have been there when the fire started. If I hadn’t run into the building, if I hadn’t distracted the firefighters, maybe they could have gotten to her before the stairs caved. And if I’d skipped the meeting, stayed home to soothe her fussiness instead, I would have been there. I could have protected her. She was just a baby, Cody, just ten months old.”
She felt so cold, so numb, even as she recalled the inferno of flames. She wrapped her arms around herself, shivering. Her teeth chattered as she finished. “My selfishness killed her, Cody. I should have never gone to New York City. I should have never gotten mixed up with Carl. I shouldn’t have been singing in clubs at all hours of the night, in places I had no right to be as a Christian. I did everything I shouldn’t, everything I was warned against, and it only led to grief!” She gazed at him through eyes swimming with tears and saw his eyes mirrored her pain.
He took her hands and kissed her fingertips. “Oh, my Rena…my sweet, sweet Rena.”
“I’m so sorry, Cody.” Her voice was thick with tears. “I should have told you before. I should have—”
“This doesn’t change how I feel about you…about us.” He drew her into his arms and rocked her. “Let your fears go, Rena. Let them go.”
“But…I don’t understand. You said you could never forgive yourself for taking your eyes off Seth, for allowing him to get hurt. You said Jeanne’d never trust you again. And Seth barely got burned. If you have trouble with that, how can you ever trust me? How can you even look at me, knowing the things I’ve done?”
Cody turned her face toward his. His gaze locked with hers and refused to let go. “What happened with Allie was not your fault, Rena. I know you believe it was, but I’m telling you, it wasn’t. It was an accident, nothing more. You tried to save her, just as any mother would. Your actions were heroic, not negligent.”
Heroic? Had he misunderstood?
“But—”
“I’m not perfect, either. Maybe we’ve both made some mistakes. And maybe it’s time to let them go.”
“It’s not that easy, Cody.” The old fears were not easily shaken. “Maybe it’s too late.”
“I don’t think so.” He sighed and gently brushed tears from her face with his thumb. “But I guess that’s something only you can answer.”
****
Cody was sitting alone in the darkness when Jeanne returned home a while later. He heard her footsteps as she came through the kitchen and out to the back deck.
“Would you like some company?” she asked as she slid into a chair.
“Hmm...sure.”
She sighed and kicked off her shoes. “Well, there’s no bloodshed, so I guess you and Rena must have gotten along pretty well tonight.”
“Nice set-up, sis. Didn’t know you had it in you.”
“Yeah, well, I still have a trick or t
wo tucked up my sleeve.”
“Don’t bother. Rena’s built walls so high there’s not a prayer of scaling them.”
Jeanne leveled him a censuring look that clearly said she didn’t appreciate his attitude. “You know how we promised to always be honest with each other?”
“Yeah.” He readied himself for a dose of her no-holds-barred wisdom. “Let it fly. I can take it.”
She sat up to face him, staring silently for a long moment. “Cody, I’m not so sure Rena’s the only one with walls up. I think you’ve laid the bricks pretty high yourself.”
“Me? How?”
“Maybe you should take some time to think about it. You’ll figure it out.” She stood and stretched weary muscles. “I’m going to check on the boys, then hit the hay. You can let yourself out.”
****
Rena woke with a head full of cobwebs. She pulled herself from the bed and stretched kinks from her spine. The world was moving in slow motion, and her eyes felt gritty with the evidence of a restless night.
She opened the blinds on her bedroom window. The sun was just rising, the sky a glorious lavender and cranberry watercolor that seemed to mock her heavy, aching heart. The world continued to spin despite her heartache.
Last night had been so perfect...cooking with the boys, watching them chase a soccer ball with Cody while she held Tommy in her arms, cuddling him as if he were her own—Sammy curled at her feet. And the wonderful singing and stories. Oh the contentment of snuggling between Jackson and Seth while she read to them, their hair still damp and smelling of sweet apples from their bath. She wanted that for herself. How she ached for it.
She forced thoughts of Cody from her mind and willed herself not to cry. Reaching into her bureau drawer, she pulled out a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. An early-morning walk was just what she needed. She smoothed her sleep-tangled hair into a ponytail. She was too tired to run, but a walk in the clean morning air would clear the cobwebs—and hopefully ease the ache from her heart.
She grabbed her house key, tucked it into the pocket of her shorts, and yanked open the door.
