by Kitty Cox
Chance's eyes were on her face, sparkling in the pale blue light. "You look turned on."
She forced her eyes back to his neck. "You sure it's not just because I'm coming down?"
"Pretty damned sure." He shifted, facing her like he could just lower his head and kiss her. "Why aren't you high, Dez?"
"I'm trying to cut back."
He smiled like she'd just given him the best present in the world. "Wanna share mine?" He gestured to the stairs. "I need a damned shower, but I don't want to be very far from you right now."
"Chance." She shook her head slightly.
He stepped back. "I'm not going to touch you, Dez. Doesn't mean I can't make love to you in our own flawed way." He tilted his head slightly and took another step away, begging her to follow. "Sugar, I smell like cheap perfume and easily seduced college girl."
"And a bar." She followed.
He laughed. "At least come talk to me? What ever you're comfortable with, I'll take it."
"You've already seen me naked."
Pausing on the stairs, he made a point of looking her over. "Yeah, and I like it."
Pushing open the door, he walked in, leaving it so she could follow. It never ceased to amaze her how easily he adjusted his habits to accommodate her issues. He never made a deal of it; he just gave her the space she needed. Barely. He always seemed to know exactly where the line was and liked to lean right up against it, but never crossed it. She fucking wished she could.
Watching him with that woman, her body was on fire. She felt like he'd just had sex with her, not his date. His eyes had been on her, his words had been for her, his attention had been entirely hers, and the poor college girl hadn't known. She'd thrown herself at him and he'd chewed her up, devouring her like a quick meal, then sent her back to where she came from. He never sent Dez away. She never wanted him to. For the first time, she wanted to touch someone again, but she still wasn't that brave. Not yet.
As soon as he entered his bedroom, he pulled off his shoes and dropped his jeans to the floor. Completely naked, he flicked on the light to the bathroom, rubbing one hand through his copper hair absentmindedly. Every muscle in his body rippled when he did that. Dez drank him in, enjoying the view. He was fucking gorgeous! How did she get a guy that looked like him to have any interest in her at all?
It's because they were both broken in their own way. She knew it, but she couldn't believe it. He was supposed to be one of "them," a part of the group that laughed at her, not the person who stood behind her and guarded her back.
"Don't be shy now," Chance teased.
Dez slipped off her shoes and jeans, walking into the bathroom in just a t-shirt and panties. "So, getting laid makes you feel high?"
"Yeah." He turned on the water, looking at her while his fingers felt the temperature. "Endorphins and other hormones in the body. Kinda like skydiving. It's a natural high. For me, it's just as addictive as opiates."
"And how the hell am I supposed to share your high, hm?"
He made a point of looking over her body, then stepped into the shower and let the fogged glass door close. "Your nipples are hard, your cheeks are flushed, your pupils are dilated. You’re breathing a bit faster than normal. Some, but not all, of those are signs of opiate withdrawal." He shoved his head under the shower, pausing as he soaked his hair. "I checked. I'm betting your panties are soaked, and you're ready to lock yourself alone and rub one off. There's room in here for two, Dez. It's hot, wet, and warm."
It was Chance. His casual confidence and complete respect were the only reason she could do it. Dez pulled off her shirt, dropped her rather damp panties onto the tile, tossed her bra beside them, and took a deep breath. When she pulled open the shower door, Chance stepped back, giving her all the space she needed.
"First shower with a man?"
"Yeah."
He squeezed a dollop of shampoo into his hand and began lathering it into his hair. "Good. Swear I don't mind if you look."
"I think you like it."
He grinned. "I do. Tell me, do you think of me when you do it?"
"What?!" Did he really just ask her that?
He ducked his head under the water again. "Masturbation, Sugar. The act of self-pleasure. Touching yourself in a way that feels oh so good and looks so much better. What do you think about to get off?" He slicked the water from his face and shifted, leaving enough space for her to move under it.
She did, aware that his naked body was less than a foot away. "I don't know."
"But you do. Shampoo?" He held up the bottle, opening pointed down. She held out her hand and he squeezed, filling her palm. When she massaged it into her hair, he let his eyes drop to her tits. "I half expected them to be pierced." He grabbed the soap next and began cleaning himself, starting with his crotch. "One day I'll get to lick those little pink nipples. Until then, I'll just watch you touch them."
"Is that what you want?" Dez turned, letting the water rinse her hair clean.
When she opened her eyes again, he was lathering his neck, but his eyes were roaming without shame. "Dez, you're a virgin. What do you think about?"
"I'm not."
He shook his head. "You are. Step back. I need the water." She did and he kept talking. "See, those bastards took nothing from you except a tiny little piece of skin. Tampon, riding a bike, and all that can do it too. Doesn't count. For all your bravery and badass attitude, I know a virgin when I see one."
She chuckled and shook her head at him. "Oh, I see. Have a thing for deflowering the little cherry?"
"No. I have a thing for you. I usually avoid virgins, but I'm so fucking addicted to you. Out there, knowing you were watching? God, and that bitch sucking me off? When I came, all I could think of was you. Rubbing her clit, making her moan, I could almost pretend it was you. I could see you, your eyes taking it all in, and I fucking near lost it before I got her off."
She was breathing harder and her pulse pounded low in her belly. Chance shifted, moving her with his body until her back was to the wall. She didn't know what to say. She had no idea what to do, but she didn't need to.
"I want you to get high with me, Dez." He searched her eyes, looking from one to the other. "I want it so bad, but you have to trust me. I won't touch you. I just want to be here."
She nodded. "How?"
His mouth curled. "Lean back. The wall is cold." She did, and it was. Her nipples screamed in protest and his eyes flicked down. "Sugar, stop me if you need to. Tell me to back off; tell me to go away. You will never hurt my feelings. I want to give you what you just gave me. I want to share this with you."
She was nervous, but not afraid. "But you can't touch me?"
"No," he whispered, leaning closer. "You can, though." He braced his forearm on the wall by her head. "It smells like soap in here. It's bright. The water is running. Will any of that trigger you?"
Dez shook her head. "Never in a shower. There was no power."
"Did you like fucking that girl with me? Did you really?"
"Yes," she breathed, watching his grey eyes.
He nodded once. "I'm looking at you, Dez, at your eyes, but I want you to touch your nipples. Lightly, just caress the tips."
It felt foolish and brazen, but she did. The pads of her fingers grazed the puckered tips and she felt her chest rising and falling. His eyes dropped to her mouth and she licked her lips, fondling herself.
"God, I would kiss you so softly. Your sharp little tongue would be timid, but I'd take it. Close your eyes, Sugar. Feel it. Pinch them. Lean into it. I know you don't do this often, you don't think you need it, but you're going to cum for me." His voice grew rough in a way it hadn't with the other women. Passion tinted it, a desire for her that no one else got. "Now slide one hand down, all along your belly, across those sexy tattoos. No, Sugar, take your time, let your skin feel it. We're not in a hurry There's plenty of hot water."
Her eyes flicked open and he smiled. "If I can't touch you, at least feel it, Dez." She obeyed, doin
g her best to follow his commands, her mind locked on his voice, embracing it as she couldn't his body.
"You're hot and wet, slick and ready." He almost groaned. "Fuck, you got me hard again, just thinking about touching you."
She licked her lips and pried her heavy lids open. "What are you going to do about it?"
He sounded surprised. "You want me to get off with you? You're gonna let me make love to you like this?"
"Until I can touch you."
"Oh, God," he breathed, leaning into his arm as he reached for something.
His hand slid over the plain bar of soap but his eyes never left her face. She looked down, saw him rubbing his fingers together – a few suds peeking between his knuckles – then his fist slid over his dick. The head swelled as he pushed into his own hand, and he took a breath.
"Spread your legs, Dez. Find that bundle of nerves." She did, sucking air through her teeth. Chance was right there, with her. "Look at me, not my dick. When I finally get to have you, it won't be about that. It'll be about something so much deeper. Safety, reality, and the way you make my heart race when you smile."
She listened to his words, watched the emotions in his eyes. It wasn't carnal, it was more – but she couldn't name it. Sparks flew from her core, her breath coming fast, and he talked her through it, one sweet soft word at a time. Her knees tingled, wanting to wrap around something. Lost in his eyes, she stopped thinking and just reached, her hand grabbing his bicep, holding her up. Chance sucked in a breath.
"Good god, you feel good," he breathed, his eyes moving to her hand. His words were gentle, almost begging. "Close your eyes, Sugar. Lean your head back. Don't fight it. Just hold me like that and feel it." He bent his head beside hers. "So quiet, so honest. So fucking beautiful. This one thing, it's ours. I'm here with you and completely and totally yours."
She was touching him! She was touching him and she liked it. A tiny sound escaped, making him groan, and with her eyes closed, she could pretend, for just a moment, that she was really with him, wrapped in his arms, letting him touch all of her. Dez gasped, feeling her body surge, and then, with Chance's whispers in her ear, she felt a rush like nothing before. It felt good. It felt so good, and her hand paused, but Chance was directing her body.
"Don't stop," he whispered. "Slowly, stroke it. Feel the pulse, ride it. Breathe and hold onto me. Oh yes, Sugar, you..."He sucked in a breath, a groan chasing its tail. "Holy fuck," he whispered. "You're the most amazing woman I've ever known."
Her eyes flew open. His face was beside hers, his eyes on her mouth, and his chest rose and fell in great bounds. He looked spent and so very pleased about it. Dez let her eyes close again and tried to stand.
"Shh," he whispered, even though she hadn't said a word. "Seems standing was a real bad idea. Hold onto me, beautiful, until you catch your breath. I'm not moving."
"I think you rocked my world."
He chuckled softly. "I know you rocked mine. Damn, your mouth is fucking sexy. I don't care if you ever let me fuck you, Dez, but one day I will kiss you."
"Thought you were addicted to sex." She peeled herself from the wall, slowly releasing his arm.
Chance moved back, rinsing quickly before letting her have the water. He stepped out and grabbed a towel. "Dez, why aren't you high?"
"Kinda feels like I am."
"That's my high. I mean the Vicodin?"
She turned off the water, not even surprised when he had a towel waiting for her. "I thought I might try living."
He nodded his head once. "Exactly. The rush of an orgasm, it's fucking amazing. Being with you? Makes me feel like living."
"We're so fucked up." She couldn't help but laugh. Part of it was the euphoria. Part of it was finding that missing piece that held the puzzle of her life together. "Chance? I want to get another tattoo, but I'm broke."
He twined the towel around his waist. "You're not. I don't have you on the payroll, but that's just so no one can trace your social or your name."
"You're hiding me?" She hadn't expected that. When he'd said he'd protect her, she thought it was just empty words.
"When I first brought you back here, I figured you'd end up offing yourself, and I wanted to protect the company. Then, when I realized what you were hiding from, yeah. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you again, Dez. I'll fucking kill them." He shrugged. "What tattoo?"
Slightly embarrassed, she looked up at him through her damp lashes. "The Flawed logo, right across my broken withered heart."
"Can I get one, too?"
She had not expected that. Her eyes widened and her words simply wouldn't work. Instead, she nodded.
"The guys want to use you for the game cover. Lips to ribs, so no one can identify you, but it's your call. They'd planned to put the logo over the image, but if you have it on your breast, well, it'd be pretty fucking sexy."
"Where are you getting it?"
He turned his arm, exposing the long scar. "Right down the center. I'm tired of pretending. I won't tell anyone else it's a damned surgical scar. I tried to bleed myself dry, and if they don't like it, they can kiss my ass."
Together they moved back into the bedroom. The agreement was unspoken; she was staying with him. Chance pulled open a drawer, rummaging through shirts until he found what he was looking for, then tossed it over to her. Next he threw a pair of boxers, then claimed another set for himself. While she pulled on her borrowed pajamas – the shirt bearing the logo for Deviant Games – he fell into the bed, crawling under the covers.
"Fuck," he groaned, making to get out.
"Stay," she told him. "I can't promise I won't freak out, but I want to try."
He snuggled back into the bed, leaving plenty of space for her. Dez slipped in beside him. Beneath the soft blankets were amazing sheets. She was getting used to the opulence he took for granted, and they made it easy to slide closer. She grabbed her pillow and pressed it beside his chest, then snuggled close. If she could hug Bubba all night, then she could try with Chance.
"Dez? Can I touch you?"
She tilted her head up to his. "Slowly, ok?"
"Always."
His hand moved to her temple, and he moved a lock of dark hair back. His fingers barely touched her skin, but she leaned into it, finally understanding how good it could feel. A simple gesture, moving her hair, meant so much more. He was taking care of her, protecting her, and showing affection all with that one little touch.
He smiled at her tenderly. "I figure we just made love, so does that mean you're still just a friend, or can I move you up to girlfriend yet?"
"I can't touch you. You can't keep your hands off other women. We work together. The repercussions to the company reputation are crazy." She shook her head. "That would be a bad idea."
"Fuck all that. I don't care what we tell anyone else. Dez, you're not a cheap fix for me, ok? I like you, not the hot kinky sex we have." He lifted a brow, proving the point. "I want you to be mine, and I want you to think of me as yours. The rest of it doesn't matter. I want you to know I really do care about you, kid."
"Chance, I'm a time bomb."
"And I'm an unfaithful bigoted bastard. What's your point?"
She shrugged, then dared to reach out and trace the pattern of the comforter over his chest. "You were supposed to just let me fix your game."
"You were supposed to be like every other woman in the world, but you're not. Dez, you break all the rules. You don't care about the stupid shit. You aren't hung up on what everyone else thinks, except for when it comes to you. You're so sure that you can't be loved, but you're fucking wrong, ok?"
"There's not much left to love."
He turned his head, looking away. His chest rose as he pulled in a deep breath, then crashed when it rushed out. "Dez," he tried, but his voice broke. He swallowed and tried again. "There's plenty, Dez. I can't promise I'll be a good man, I can't promise you much, but I think the one thing makes up for it."
"What's that?"
"I'll never ju
dge you. I thought my obsession with you would pass, but it's only gotten worse. I've never felt about someone like this for this long. Oh, I love every woman I bring home, right up until they succumb, then I'm done. It's not like that with you. I can't bend you to my will, and I can't predict your next move. God, Sugar, you're so fucking perfect, even with all your flaws." He looked back at her face in the darkness. "It scares me, you know? But I really want this fucked up thing we have. Screw all the rules. Screw everything that makes sense. Dez, I want to be flawed with you."
"I've never had a boyfriend."
His voice was barely a whisper. "Do you now?"
She nodded. "Chance, I'm trying to get sober."
"Dez, I'm trying to fall in love."
Chapter 16
She woke up pressed against something hard. Music played in the background, distorted by distance and walls. It smelled different from her memories, but she strained to hear the song, wishing for something to distract her just before the cutting started. The lump beside her, it was a man. Her body tensed as her mind clicked into gear.
"I'm not moving," Chance said softly. "You're fine, kid. No need to bolt, just roll over and I'll get out of bed."
"Oh fuck me," she breathed, dropping her head back into the pillow. She pulled her arms against her but didn't flee. "I'm sorry, the music triggered me, but I'm totally awake now."
He sighed and slowly turned to face her. "Don't apologize. We'll work through it, one thing at a time. All I ask is that you don't tell me it's fine when it's not, deal?"
"I can agree to that." Dez pulled herself to sitting and glanced at the clock. "Eight hours."
"You really getting sober? Like, completely?"
"Gonna try it once." She shrugged. "Braden told me he'd cry if I died. I hadn't really thought about it, you know? I'm just kinda used to being on my own, with the world wishing I'd get out of the way. It's hard to imagine anyone being upset about me leaving."
