by Kitty Cox
The door dinged, then slid open. Dez followed, tethered by her finger. "What if I freak out?"
This time, he shrugged. "I'll tell you a secret, but only if you swear you'll never repeat it. Ok?"
"Sure." Who the hell would she tell?
He didn't say another word until they were inside their room. Only then did he let go of her hand, so he could kick off his shoes and find the menu. He tossed that in her direction, then pulled off his shirt and flopped onto the bed.
"Eating a real meal?"
She was. Dez was starving, and since her guts weren't twisted with the opiates, she could probably even finish at least half of it. Her eyes barely made it halfway down before she'd decided. "Oh, I want a steak!"
"Lemme guess, medium?"
She tossed the menu at him. "Maybe."
"Wine?"
"Hate wine. Coke?"
Chance nodded and picked up the phone. While he called it in, she wondered if she was ever going to hear this big secret. Knowing him, he was probably working some plan to get her all relaxed and comfortable. That was the type of thing Chance did. She wouldn't tell him, but she kinda liked it. His years of twisting people to his bidding meant that he knew all the tricks to keep her from panicking at the drop of a hat.
Then he replaced the receiver and looked at her. "I was sixteen when I lost my virginity."No preamble, no easing into it, Chance just laid it out there. "I was so worried that I'd get laughed at. I mean, sex is pretty easy for girls, you know? Show up and we guys are happy. Doesn't work the same for us. We're supposed to know tricks and moves, and do everything we can to get our girl off. It's a lot of pressure."
"Ok?" Where was this going?
"I was so nervous," he went on. "Terrified. I'd snuck out with this hot chick, and we were in my parent's pool house, right? I couldn't stop wondering what she would think about the zit on my back, or if I should flex constantly once I had my shirt off."
Dez giggled, pulling her legs against her chest. She could almost imagine him as an awkward teenager. "And did she?"
He shook his head. "She told me to close my eyes. I realized that this amazingly hot girl who was gonna let me go all the way was as nervous as me. The more I thought about trying to get every detail right, the more time we both had to think about what came next. So I kissed her. I guess for you, that'd be like holding some guy's hand."
And there it was. That's what he was trying to say. Dez peeled herself out of the chair and moved to the bed, sitting on the edge. "It was just a finger."
"I know, but you did it." His eyes dropped to her hand. "That's all I needed, Sugar. I was standing there, talking up Silk and feeling like I was invisible. They asked about everything they should, and not me. I know why. I know that's what they're supposed to do, but..."
"You felt like you were vanishing," she finished, understanding.
"Already gone and no one missed me. Every time it started, I'd look over and see you." He sighed and pushed back his hair, looking up at the ceiling. "I'm an addict, Dez."
"Me, too."
Chance shook his head. "I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna do something and chase you away, and I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm scared I'm going to prove to you that I'm not worth it." His eyes slipped closed, but not before she saw the sheen of moisture in them.
"Chance?" He flicked his lips up, but didn't open his eyes, so she tried again. "Does it hurt? When you start to vanish, does it hurt?"
His answer was too simple. "Only inside."
"Yeah," she breathed, understanding too well. "I, um..."
That opened his eyes. "What?"
"I wanna try."
In one fluid motion, he sat up, their faces only a hand's breath apart. "Slowly, ok?" Then he held out his hand.
The gesture was clear. He wanted her to take it. He was offering it, but she had to make the move. Dez didn't even know how to hold a hand normally anymore. It had been years since she'd even thought about it, but some things were natural. Her palm touched his and their fingers closed around each other gently. She couldn't pull her eyes away. Even his hands were sexy. The nails were smooth and clear, the skin soft, and she could feel the tendons along the back. Masculine hands, but not the kind that filled her nightmares. His were the hands she held so often, but it was easier when she couldn't see it.
"Can I show you?" he asked, his voice little more than a whisper. Her head bobbed, and Chance lifted her hand. "Can I kiss your fingers?"
"Yes."
A smile flickered over his lips before they brushed her skin. Soft. The touch was like a breeze, barely even enough to notice, except for the warmth. Then it was her turn. She looked from his face to their hands, and back.
"Just, um, kiss your hand?"
"If you want."
Oh god, she wanted to. Taking a deep breath, she lifted and bent simultaneously, then kissed. Her lips met skin. The scent of dust and electricity lingered from the hardware he'd handled earlier, but nothing happened. Chance didn't even move. Her own fingers trembled, but not his. When she looked up, he was smiling.
"Still alive, Sugar?"
"Can I kiss you?"
He dipped his head. "Yeah, but you have to kiss me."
"I don't know how."
He licked his lips, the tip of his tongue barely breaking through. "Would you rather I kiss you?"
She felt so foolish but bobbled her head. This wasn't how normal people did it. This wasn't like her dreams as a little girl. But he was. For as long as she could remember, when she thought of a perfect man, it had always been him: Chance Hunter, the man who dared to listen. Those were fantasies, but this was real. Chance wasn't perfect, and she was broken, but he'd be her first real kiss.
"I'm going to touch you," he said, moving his hand toward her face. "Don't let go. If my hand bothers you, pull it away, ok?"
"Ok."
Like a feather, his palm rested against her cheek. "We've done this before." Then he leaned closer, pressing one hand into the mattress to bear his weight. "My lips will touch yours. They're moist, and that's normal." He was close enough that she could feel his breath. "This doesn't hurt, Dez."
Then he moved that last inch.
Chapter 23
Chance's mouth met hers, and Dez relaxed, so he pressed a hair more. The whimper in the back of her throat was so raw and frail, so vulnerable, yet so very sweet. She tasted like Coca-Cola and a hint of nicotine. She smelled like vanilla shampoo. She felt like heaven.
Gently, and so carefully, his lips caressed hers. When she kissed back, he flicked his tongue across her cupid's bow. Just a tease. Just a little hint, but it was enough. She sucked in a breath, but it wasn't fear. For months, he'd wanted this. His little taste of sugar was so sweet, so fragile, and so unbearably real. He kissed her again, then again, the moist sounds loud in the silent room. Her little breaths were the only complement.
He leaned closer, his tongue delving deeper. Like a vixen, she met him halfway, tormenting him, begging for more. Each touch of her made his dick harder. Chance could feel the blood pounding, straining against his jeans. He tried to go slow but she was begging, wanting him. Not just anyone, but him. Dez wouldn't dare touch another, but she'd let him in. His tongue was in her mouth, and she wasn't trembling from anything but desire.
Just one more inch. With his palm on her cheek, his other hand slid around her waist, guiding her against his chest. He wanted to touch all of her, to crush her against his body, but it was too much. She tensed, breaking her mouth away as she struggled to get away.
"Let go, let go, let go," Dez babbled, nearly tripping over her own feet in her retreat. "No, let go!"
The passion of a moment before was lost to the terror. Inside, he was cursing his own stupidity. Outside, he just lifted his hands. "I let go," he pointed out.
But she didn't stop until she was well out of his reach. Only then did she come back to reality. So many times he'd touched her, and so many times he'd expected this, but it hadn't happened. Not until now. Chance
let his eyes close and flopped back on the bed.
"Fuck," he groaned.
Dez said nothing. He could hear her breathing. Her back had to be against the wall by now, and those passionate breaths had become short little pants that made his balls crawl up into his spleen for all the wrong reasons. Over and over, he just sucked in air, only to let it out again, completely unsure of what to say. If she was anyone else, he'd know. He'd have some handy phrase ready to talk her right out of her clothes, but this was different.
He didn't want to just fuck her. He wasn't interested in her for what she could give him. For the first time in his life, all Chance wanted was to take care of the broken little thing he'd just tried to take advantage of.
"I'm sorry, Sugar," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, sweetie."
"Chance?" she asked, her voice so damned timid.
"Yeah?"
The pause before she answered was too long. "Are you pissed?"
He huffed a chuckle. "Yeah, kid, but not at you. I wanna break the people who turned something as simple as a kiss into so much agony. I'm staying right here, ok?"
"Yeah." After a pause, the mattress sank, forcing his eyes open. She sat lightly beside him, chewing on her lower lip. "You didn't have to stop, you know."
"Kinda did. Not really into the whole forcing thing, Dez."
She shook her head, unable to meet his eyes. "I mean the dates."
He knew what she really meant. That she'd come back to sit beside him was the greatest compliment she could give, but her words were trying to hide her failure. He didn't think she'd failed, but she did. That's how his little Sugar worked. There was only one little problem.
"Kinda did. See, the only girl I wanna be with? Yeah. She'll be worth waiting for."
He heard her breathe. Cracked and broken, it stumbled into her lungs and didn't bother to come back out. It took every ounce of will to not lean forward and wrap her in his arms. All he could do was wait. She'd talk when she could, and until then, he'd just be patient. No matter how long it took, she'd be worth it. Then he heard her sniff.
"Dez," he breathed, sitting up as slowly as he could. "Hey, kid, you did pretty good. I'm sorry I moved too fast."
"I freaked out."
He chuckled, but kept it gentle. "You didn't hit me, so I'm calling that a win. Wanna know a secret?"
Her answer was almost too soft to hear. "K."
"You taste as sweet as I thought. That, Sugar, was worth it. I just hate that I fucked up. I knew better, but I fucked up." His eyes were locked on her, reading every nuance of her body.
First, it was her elbows that relaxed. A second later, her fingers stopped clenching each other so tightly. Then, she finally took a real breath. Yeah, he might be manipulating her, but he was also telling the truth. He was just making sure he said it in the exact way she needed to hear. When she shook her head, he knew they'd be just fine.
"You didn't fuck up." Dez turned, looking at him over her shoulder. "I'm fucked up, not you."
"We're fucked up, Sugar, and I'm totally ok with that. I figure a hundred steps forward for one little pause is ok. I don't think we've come close to taking a step backwards yet. Do you?"
"But I can't kiss you!"
He just shrugged. "You can hold my hand. You can talk to me. I'd say that's a pretty big fuckin' deal. Oh. Yeah. And you did kiss me."
"No," she whimpered. "You kissed me."
"Mm." He wanted to smile but knew that wouldn't help. "Maybe you'll have to fix that. I'm thinking you do better when you're the one doing all the touching anyways. I mean, like with my pubes."
That broke the sadness. A tiny flicker passed over her mouth, trying to become a smile. "Wasn't your damned pubes," she reminded him.
"Close enough to get me hard, so it counts."
Then he saw it. That perfect little angelic smile made an appearance, and it was pointed right at him. Even with her damp eyes and her pallid skin, she looked divine in that moment. She looked like everything he'd ever wanted. Dear god, he absolutely loved this girl. He loved her more than his own game. So long as she gave him that smile, he'd never disappear again.
"Dez?" He had to say it. "I love you. You. Just like you are."
And the smile slipped to be replaced by something even better. Her lips parted, her eyes widened, and they searched every inch of his face. "But you can't."
"Still do." He shrugged as casually as he could. "I love you just like this. Broken, crazy, and genius all at once, but you're mine. You're my little taste of sugar. My secret little addiction that I will never get enough of. Even if you never do more than hold my hand, so long as you see me, I'll be happy."
"But I don't deserve you." Her big brown eyes wavered, waiting for the punchline.
He wasn't going to stop now. Not when he had her back. "I kinda think it goes the other way around. Destiny Pierce, the goddess of gaming, and she's here – with me. Not anyone else. Hell, she doesn't even like most other people, but she keeps putting up with all my shit. If that's not a reason to love you, then I can't think of a good one."
For the first time in his life, room service chose a good time to knock. Like an exclamation point to his words, the rap at the door gave her time to think about the truth of what he said. Chance rolled out of bed on the other side and answered, leaving his girl to process that in her own time. What he didn't do was let the guy inside. That's the last thing she needed.
It took a little juggling to carry the plates over to the table, but he managed, then went back for drinks. The guy in the hall gave him a knowing look, assuming his woman was lying naked in bed or something, and Chance let him. That's what normally happened at these events and everyone knew it. And yet here he was just hoping for a damned kiss. Setting the bottle of soda between the two plates of steak and fries, he chuckled at the irony. He, the man who never had a problem getting laid, had no interest for the first time in his life. Not that he'd stop her if she jumped on him, but that wasn't really what he wanted.
"What?" Dez asked, hearing his laugh.
He looked up to find her claiming the chair on the other side. "Just realized that I've spent my life for this weekend, and I don't give a shit how it turns out."
Her hand was halfway to her plate. "Huh?"
"Big demo, lots of potential buyers, and all these review companies will be looking us over, and I have one thing on my mind." He twisted the cap on the two-liter bottle, waiting for it to stop hissing before he poured. "Trying to impress my girl."
Dez waited until he moved to the next glass, then snagged the full one. "I'll be fuckin' tickled if we get Most Anticipated Game. I was looking at the competition, and it's all copies of what's been done before. There's like three WoW clones, a couple of cheap low poly indie games, and Silk."
"Still have to impress the masses." They were back on safe territory, and he could see her relaxing. "What about that new sci-fi thing?"
She shook her head. "Theme park on rails. It's WoW with a new skin. None of them have half the customization of Silk, and seems the theme this year is brown and grey. You get to choose from zombies, post-apocalyptic, and neo-gothic realism."
"Ok, so we have a graphical advantage, but what are the gamers wanting?"
Dez shoved a fry into her mouth and talked around it. "Silk. Amy's been amazing. Anyone willing to stop long enough gets to hear all about how Deviant is going to change the gaming industry and blah, blah, blah." She punctuated her words with a wave of another ketchup coated fry.
"She fits. I'm glad we found her."
"You didn't 'find' her. You were trying to fuck her."
"Nope." He cut into his steak and took a bite, forcing Dez to wait. "I was trying to talk to her. Kinda wanted to protect her. Didn't really want to fuck her."
Naturally, his girl wasn't going to let him off that easy. "Why not? You never explained that."
Chance dropped the fork back onto his plate and leaned onto his elbows. "I don't know, Dez. Honest to god truth. I have no idea. All I kn
ow is that I like this. Whatever this is."
"Even if I freak out?"
"Yeah. Even if you decide to start getting high again, or whatever screwed up thing happens. I don't care. What about you?"
Her head jerked up in shock. "Huh?"
"Why are you doing this thing with me? I mean, when we met, you were trying to get high enough to stop living, and now you're braving the masses for my game?"
Her big brown eyes grew soft and her face went slack. For a long time, Dez was silent, but her eyes stayed locked on his. If he had to guess, she was either trying to figure it out herself, or she was trying to decide if he even deserved to know. Chance hoped it was the first.
"A long time ago," she said, "this guy sent a message to a girl's blog. He was smart and charming, maybe even kinda witty. Somewhere in there, he called her Dez-tiny. It was just a stupid typo, but she noticed and giggled about how she was neither Dez nor tiny."
"I hoped you wouldn't see that. I had to stop myself from sending a second message to apologize."
Her teeth caught her lower lip, but she kept going. "When I finally got out of the hospital – you know, from everything – I realized that was my last happy thought. I mean, good things had happened, and a lot of boring shit, but I hadn't really giggled to myself since then. I also kinda realized that being starved for over two weeks had left me tiny, which meant half of it was true, so I decided to make it who I am."
"Not really sure that's a good thing, kid."
She shrugged and looked down to her plate. "They wanted Destiny. No one cared about Dez but the guy who'd dared to listen. I wanted to be that person, not the one who..." She cleared her throat. "And now here I am. I'm Dez, and making the game that started it all."
"Why?" he asked again. "Why are you willing to do all of this for me?"
"I'm not. I'm doing this for me."
"Exactly." On a whim, he stretched his arm across the table and laid it palm up. The invitation was clear. "You’re doing all of this for you, and I'm not doing all of them for me."
She took it, even though her touch was feather light. "If we keep this up, we might end up normal."
