“Didn’t you move to Chicago?” she asked as her sunglass-covered eyes focused on the road. “What are you doing back in Ann Arbor?”
“I made the Olympic team,” I said with a grin. “I’m practicing with Team USA.”
“What?!” cried out Efrat. “You’re kidding me. Marie, that’s incredible!”
“Thanks,” I beamed. “We’re practicing at Canham before we head to Rio. So… I’m back in town! At least for another couple weeks.”
“I can’t wait to watch you on TV,” said Efrat. “I remember, you know, last time.”
“Yeah,” I said sorrowfully.
“That’s really hard,” she said. “I really felt bad for you.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’ve survived.”
“Good,” she said matter-of-factly. “I’m happy to hear that.”
“I thought you went back to Israel,” I said. “What are you still doing in Ann Arbor?”
“I ended up getting a job at the VA hospital,” she said. “I’m a nutritionist. It’s a good job, I’ve got citizenship through my father, so I decided to stick around!”
“That’s awesome,” I said, gazing over at Efrat. She was a sweet girl, super pretty, beautiful dark olive-toned skin. I had a bit of a crush on her when I first met her but unfortunately she wasn’t a lesbian. You can’t win ‘em all.
“It’s such a beautiful day,” said Efrat. “Do you want to get a coffee or something downtown? I’m just so happy to see you and I don’t want to cut our meeting short.”
“Totally,” I affirmed. “But it’s the middle of a day on a weekday. Why are you at work?” Efrat just laughed.
“Weird hours at the VA,” she said. “I’m part-time, actually, so I work a schedule and also pick up shifts. It’s my day off!”
“Good enough,” I said. “I could go for an iced coffee.”
“Yay!” said Efrat, then releasing a happy giggle. She pushed the gas pedal as we cruised down Main Street, basking in the bright afternoon sun.
“Are you serious?” exclaimed Efrat, taking her slushy coffee drink from the barista and deftly pushing in a straw. The two of us began walking toward the front of the coffee shop, each with a similar oversized plastic cup in our hands.
“It’s messed up,” I said, having relayed my recent conundrum to my old friend. It had felt good to get it off my chest and I was genuinely interested in Efrat’s take.
Pushing through the door, we walked together toward a small table with an umbrella above it, pulling out the metal chairs, and sitting down opposite one another. We kept our shades over our eyes as the the umbrella didn’t do that much to keep the sun away.
“So what are you going to do?” asked Efrat, looking across the table at me empathetically.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I’m just going to give in to her demands. I’d rather be with Dasha than win the Gold Medal.”
“What?” she said, pounding her fist on the table causing the metal to rattle. “Marie, no way, you can’t give in to threats of blackmail. That totally taints everything the Olympics are about. I know that I didn’t make it that far — and we probably would have been competing against each other anyway,” said Efrat with a wink, insinuating that she would have competed for Israel. “But if it were me, I know that I would never be able to sully what the Olympics mean by throwing an event. I just don’t want to believe that ever happens.”
“I don’t know,” I said mournfully with a shrug. “I bet it happens more than we think.”
“But not this year,” she said. “And not by my friend. Marie, you’ve got to stand up to this girl.”
“It’s not just about me, though,” I said, pumping my straw back and forth in my drink causing it to make a noise. “It’s about Dasha. I mean, if I stand up to Amber and tell her to pound sand, well, she might tell the head of the program and get Dasha in trouble. Not me. They’ll still want me to compete.”
“Hmm,” mused Efrat, becoming lost in thought. I could see that she was trying to work out my problems in her head. “That really is tough.”
“Right,” I said. “I don’t want Dasha’s career ruined. Our relationship could be against the swimming organization Code of Conduct, especially if another swimmer reports it and makes up some story about how she feels it’s affecting the team.” I shook my head, feeling lost. “Ugh. It’s just so maddening.”
“Have you talked to Dasha yet?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “I mean, Amber just approached me about this all before I met up with you. It’s still fresh.”
“I just…” said Efrat, stopping herself to think. “I just can’t imagine giving in to such a threat. It craps on all you’ve worked for, you know? You’re competing at the highest level and should be allowed to do your best. Could she beat you otherwise?”
“I mean, probably,” I said. “We’re both really good. She’s a talented swimmer. If she trained harder than me, yeah, I think she could beat me. She doesn’t need this. But it’s insurance, you know? She really wants to win.”
“It just makes me so mad,” said Efrat, her face scrunched up as she fumed for me. “I wish I could help. I stand firm to my advice, though, that I don’t think you should give in. You should find another way.”
“Thanks,” I said softly, a gentle smile on my face. I reached across the table and tenderly squeezed Efrat’s hand. “I’m really glad we ran into each other.”
“Me too,” said Efrat, repaying my smile. “I know you’ve had a tough couple of years, Marie, and I wish we would have stayed in touch. You were alway a good friend of mine in college.”
“I blame myself,” I said earnestly. “After my parents died, I just… I spiraled downward. My trip to Asia was really just me running away from my life, you know?”
“I understand,” said Efrat with a knowing nod. “I knew what was going on then but I can’t fault you for it. I probably would have done the same thing.”
“Was I bad?” I asked. “I mean, you can tell me. It was hard and I don’t blame myself. I just want to know how I treated people.”
“Yeah,” said Efrat cautiously. “I didn’t blame you either. But, you know, it was kind of jarring. I think a lot of your friends felt slighted the way you left. Everyone wanted to help you, Marie, and you just wouldn’t have it.”
“I’m stubborn,” I admitted.
“That’s okay,” Efrat consoled. “We were just worried about you. Like I’m worried about you now. Marie, I just can’t stand the thought of you giving in to this girl.”
“I know,” I said with a longing sigh. “I can’t stand it either.”
“If you want to make up for the way you treated me 4 years ago,” said Efrat with a deep breath. “You’ll figure out a way to beat this girl. I don’t care if you win Gold or anything, just as long as you come in ahead of her.” I couldn’t help it, I let out an embarrassed laugh and looked down.
“Thank you, Efrat,” I said in earnest. “I’m really happy to know I have a friend that cares about me so much. It’s been a lonely few years.”
“It doesn’t have to be lonely,” she said. “I’d love to have you in my life again. I’m sorry it all ended up like it did.”
I smiled. Efrat’s friendship meant everything to me right then. I felt like such a fool for spurning her, just like I did with most of my other friends from college after my parents’ death. I should have embraced them. I should have let them help me. But I had this strange competitive spirit in my heart, something hard, something that told me I had to put on a strong face and muscle through the pain. I didn’t need to do that. In fact, I was only hurting myself by being so stoic. It was embarrassing, really, to think about.
People come and go in your life. Sometimes you have relationships out of convenience, sometimes you have relationships because you can truly connect with some people. The key is to realize which is which and appreciate those people who really mean something to you. Efrat was one of the people I had really connected with
, yet lost touch. The whole thing reminded me of another good friendship of mine, a friendship that was probably originally built out of convenience but was certainly with someone I actually connected with.
One of my best friends in high school was with a girl named Metta. We were near inseparable. Best friends, really. We hung out all the time, we swam together, just everything. And I know it’s silly, but we even got our picture in the yearbook together senior year calling us “Best Friends” or whatever the header was. Yet, we went to different colleges and our friendship really faded away. I still don’t understand it. I had reached out to her a couple of times, asking her if she hated me for some reason, and her response was just a “nope” and not much more. I mean, it felt really weird.
The only thing I can think of was that she was raised pretty strict Catholic and I came out as a lesbian in college. But would something like that really make you cut off all ties with your former best friend? Or maybe she was just jealous that I got a swimming scholarship to U of M and she didn’t really go on to make much of her athletic career. That could be it. I just don’t know.
The reason I’m telling you all this is that I have a history of letting things go that I really shouldn’t, or hiding from things that were once meaningful to me as soon as things get challenging. Never in swimming, of course, I’ve got a one track mind when it comes to competition. But outside of the pool, jeez, just mistake after mistake. I can be my own worst enemy.
“We should totally hang out more,” affirmed Efrat. “What is your schedule like?”
“Before Rio,” I said. “It’s just crazy. After Rio, well, I have no idea what’s going to happen. I live in Chicago right now, but who knows…”
“Tell you what,” said Efrat with a warm smile. “Once you get back from Rio, with your Gold Medal around your neck, I’ll come to Chicago and visit. How does that sound?”
“I’d love that, Efrat,” I said. “I appreciate your support more than you know.”
Efrat’s smile glowed and the two of us once more squeezed hands. I was glad to have her on my side. I was still confused and upset, obviously, but I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
“We could just order Thai food tonight,” said Dasha, looking through her fridge as we tried to figure out dinner. Although the course of our evening was moving along as it might normally would, I was feeling guilty and it was starting to eat away at me. I wasn’t sure how I could tell her about what happened, as I still didn’t have a firm plan other than just giving in to Amber’s demands, but I knew it had to come out sooner or later. I couldn’t put on a normal face for much longer.
“Yeah,” I mused softly, preoccupied, running a lime wedge absently along the rim of my water glass as I sat on a barstool next to the kitchen island in Dasha’s apartment.
“Or we could just go outside and collect dirt and stones,” said Dasha, closing the fridge and turning to look at me with crossed arms. “Maybe we might find some worms to eat as well.”
“Right,” I said.
“Marie,” she said firmly. Then again, even firmer. “Marie!”
“Huh?” I said, snapping out of my daydream and catching Dasha’s gaze. She looked serious.
“What’s going on?” said Dasha. “You’re totally not yourself this evening. You were fine at practice this afternoon.”
“Oh,” I said, now feeling caught. I looked up to Dasha and tried to offer her a smile but I knew it was weak. I felt weak. “I just, um, we need to talk.”
With that, Dasha’s eyes got wide. She looked like a deer in headlights.
“Oh no,” she said, disappointment beginning to crawl over her face. “You’re upset with me,” said Dasha with a sigh.
“Oh my God, no,” I countered. “No, that’s not it at all, Dasha. I’m totally head over heels for you.” I tried again for a smile, this time feeling more successful.
“Jeez,” said Dasha, holding a hand over her heart. “You really scared me there for a minute.”
“Okay, well, don’t relax yet,” I said, my smile fading. “We do have to talk about something important.”
“All right,” she said, sliding up closer to the kitchen island, leaning her body against it and giving me full attention. “I’m here for you. I’m all ears.”
“I, um—“ I said, interrupting myself. “I’m really not sure how to begin. If what I say doesn’t make sense or seems out of order, just stop me,” I said.
“Okay,” said Dasha. “You’re really making me nervous.”
“Amber is trying to blackmail me,” I said. “Or rather, she’s blackmailing us.”
“What?” said Dasha. Her face was littered with disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
“She saw us,” I said. “She was creeping outside of your office the other afternoon when we were getting close, kissing a little bit, and she saw us.” I just slowly shook my head, frowning now. “She threatened me this afternoon. She told me that if I don’t throw the 400 meter free and let her win, she’ll tell Mitch about you and I being… you know, involved in one another.”
“That bitch!” said Dasha, showing a wrath that I had never seen before. “Oh, that makes me so upset. I could wring her neck.”
“I know,” I agreed. “It’s been a hard afternoon. But I think I’ve decided that I’m just going to go along with her.”
“You what?” asked Dasha with surprise. “What are you saying?”
“Rather than risk getting you in trouble with the association, I’m just going to let Amber win if it comes down to it,” I said evenly, almost sadly. “It’s not worth it to me to get you in trouble. I’d rather have you than a Gold Medal.”
“No,” said Dasha starkly. She came around the kitchen island and approached me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “I can’t let you do that,” she said. “That’s not in the spirit of the Games. Amber is right that what we have going on is highly improper and against the rules. And I can’t have you sacrifice your dreams for me.”
“It’s okay, Dasha,” I said sorrowfully. “I’m coming to terms with it. I’ll still compete, I’ll still try to get a Medal. But I don’t want to fight with Amber anymore. It’s taken too much out of me. I’m sick of the negativity in my life and I want to move past it.”
“I won’t allow it,” said Dasha. “I’m sorry, Marie, I care too much about you and what you’ve accomplished to let this happen. We just need to call our… personal relationship… quits.” I could feel the tender morose in her voice when she said that. It was obvious she didn’t want it to be that way. “I don’t want you to give in to Amber’s threats.”
“But Dasha—“ I protested.
“But nothing,” she said. “I… really care for you, Marie. As long as I’m your coach, we must remain professional.” Her visage looked beaten down, succumbing to the reality around us. “You beat her,” she said with determination, her eyes solid, lips flat. “Beat her, Marie.”
“You mean so much to me, Dasha,” I said softly. “I know it’s only been a couple weeks,” I said, stopping, searching for my words. “I know it’s impetuous and silly, but I really don’t want this to end. Our time has been so special to me. I really need it.” I could feel the tears coming. I didn’t want to spill them and I tried to fight them off. Inevitably, though, one or two slid down my cheeks. When would love stop being taken from me?
“Your Olympic dreams are more important right now,” she said. “The team is more important right now. I feel awful that I have gotten in the way of all that.”
“No,” I said. “No, you haven’t at all.”
“I have,” said Dasha. “You need to do this for your dreams, for your parents. For yourself.”
I sighed, saddened and broken down. Dasha raised her palm and softly rested it on my cheek. I knew what she was saying was right. But I wanted to have it all. It didn’t make sense why I couldn’t. All just based on some conniving girl’s crazy jealousy. I know that not everyone in life is going to like you, but that doesn’t mean th
ey have to actively work toward your downfall.
And I sure as hell didn’t want to give up Dasha and what we had together just to give in to somebody else’s negative desires. Dasha was becoming too important to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really didn’t feel like I had anyone. That was the theme all along ever since my parents died, ever since I went off on my own. Even though I had people who had helped me along the way, swimmer friends and trainers, people at the Lakeshore Aquatics Club in Chicago, I didn’t feel really close to anyone. Dasha was different. I felt something magical with her. I felt like I belonged. I felt like something I’d lost was coming back to me. And I yearned for it.
“I’m sorry, Marie,” said Dasha. “I just can’t bear to be responsible for this.” She slowly backed off from me, disappointment in her face.
“So… this is it?” I said, not really able to believe what was happening before me. It was all a smack in the face. Reality just sucker punching me as it so often seemed to do. “I mean, we’re finished?”
“I think we have to be,” said Dasha. “For now, at least. I’m really sorry, Marie.” I could tell from the look in her eyes that she wanted to kiss me. And I wanted to kiss her. I wanted it to all return to how it had been. But I knew that something had been breached that we couldn’t go back on. Perhaps after the Olympics the two of us could return to having something together. But even then, if I decided to keep swimming competitively, it would look really bad for Dasha’s career if a coach in the association was dating a swimmer. It’s the same thing as a professor dating a student. They’re both adults and can make their own decisions, but there’s a certain power struggle involved, a certain impropriety, that besmirches the institution they’re involved with, be it the USA Swimming association or a University, that just makes it all an impossibility.
After a bit more of back and forth, making no headway, I left Dasha’s apartment with sadness in my heart. And also a bit of anger. I wanted to just go up to Amber and punch her in the face for what she was doing to me. But I knew it would be a far smarter thing to do to just beat her in the water. If I focused all my angst, all this negativity building up inside of me, on building myself up, training hard, and turning my determination on beating Amber in our event, I knew that I could do it. I had to do it. I couldn’t let her evil threats dictate my life. I couldn’t let the cheaters win.
Freestyle Flirting: A Sweet Lesbian Romance Page 9
