by Carlson, JJ
You go, American amateur hockey girl.
RUNAWAY PLANE
I have driven by Vegas' airport in my cab probably thousands of times. Nothing very unusual ever happened until one day. Private planes at McCarran International Airport are bunched together in their own areas. Often so close together I've wondered how they squeeze them all into their parking spots. I saw the answer to this was that they carefully tow them with special tow jeeps going at very slow speeds.
So, I was very surprised to see that a big G5 Gulfstream, worth $50 million had gone for "a stroll" off the airport property. Okay, so it was just its front wheels that left the blacktop, but this was enough for the large precious plane to bust through the airport perimeter fence. Its front wheels rolled down ten feet of desert landscaping to the sidewalk allowing its expensive pointy nose to stick right out into Tropicana Boulevard. Maybe it just wanted to smell freedom?
The arrival of a corporate jet, albeit the nose, of which, onto one of Las Vegas' busiest streets near rush hour on a Friday night had the exact expected result. Immediately cars crashed into each other like a movie cliché. Yes, two cabs in a hurry to start their shift at the airport, bringing guests into Vegas for the weekend, smacked into one another. Predictably, the first one saw the "unusually large pedestrian” and the second one creamed the back end of the first cab.
The importance of this was that the police saw this and fearing more wrecks did what police do. They shut down the highway. This, alone, was interesting because it is the main street, to and from, the airport. Frequent travelers through our Las Vegas airport know Tropicana Boulevard. Now almost all airport traffic was being affected because of the chain of events that followed.
The executive airport managers trying to gather the plane back to the blacktop noticed the plane could not be pulled backward without risking snapping those skinny front legs. So it was correctly decided to hire a truck-mounted crane to lift the bird back onto the blacktop. When the crane arrived they were stunned by its overall height and started to worry about its work zone proximity to one of the active runways at McCarran Airport.
To add to the problem this was Friday night, the big night of the week for incoming flights. What a time to call the FAA and report the need to shut down a runway.
Having heard this long list of calamities my thoughts went to the poor company manager who might have just got home from work when he got "the call." Yes, he will always refer to this one as "the call." Or even if he was still in his office and it came by radio, still, "the call." Or, did the call come from the police saying you got a rogue plane in the street, it would still be "the call." Poor guy. This could push a guy around the bend. One can only guess who forgot to set the brakes or set chuck blocks at the wheels or whatever they do to immobilize a giant sleepwalking bird.
But windy night, or no windy night, even we all know to check the birdcage door before we go to bed. Birds can get into mischief.
ABSOLUTELY ANYONE CAN SURPRISE YOU
I have never completely gotten over this cute ride.
I was cruising down the Strip at a good clip when I noticed the New Frontier Hotel blinking light was signaling for a cab. The same funny thought came to me that always came to me when I looked at this hotel - if this is the New Frontier Hotel I would hate to see the old Frontier.
An old lady was waving at me so I pulled up to next to her and her bags.
“Where to, ma'am?” She could not go yet; her husband was still coming out.
” We have to wait for him,” she said in a thick vaudeville Swedish accent.
I thought she was putting me on. Does anyone really talk like that? She did.
I said to myself, how long was this going to take, waiting with no meter running? She told me to start the meter because he might take a while. Oh good, she understands cabbies. I told her to sit inside the cab and wait. How long did she think he will be? Maybe I would I go in and help? I was impatient.
"No, he is good at taking care of himself, even if he did just have brain surgery." What did she say? She repeated it. He had just had brain surgery, so now he moved slower.
"I told him years ago he needed his head examined," and laughed out loud. This was a vaudeville act, pure vaudeville. I had to find this guy, so I asked what he looks like. She said,
"He doesn't look like much, but he's all I got." She laughed again. She was the playful type.
I watched one old-timer after another exit the hotel and she didn't claim any of them. Then a little old Japanese man appeared, and that was when she spoke up.
"I'll take that one." I was so shocked I didn't move. I thought she must be joking, again.
"That's him right there," she repeated. I blurted out,
"That little Japanese man?" (Was that offensive?) She ignored me but said,
"I told you he's not much. But I am stuck with him." I hoped they wouldn't fight in my car.
I loaded their bags into the car and I noticed he was moving a little gingerly, but at least he wasn't wearing any bandages. She started right in:
"I told the driver you were moving slower, now, with the brain surgery. I said you got your head examined like I'd been telling you." I braced for his hurt reaction. He belly laughed.
Oh brother, they're perfect for each other. Who knew a Swede and Japanese would work?
"So which airline do you want?"
They shrieked at me. "We are not going to the airport."
Never had I been yelled at by old folks like that in my life.
"Okay. Okay. Please calm down. Where do you want to go?" They immediately calmed.
"The Four Queens, like we always do." Always? Wait just a minute.
"How many days were you here?" Four.
"And how many days do you stay at the Four Queens?" Four.
They always stay four days, at each. Wow. These guys were tough. Eight days in Vegas is a lot. Most people can't handle more than three. I tell everybody, Fantasyland becomes toxic after three days. These two must come once a year, or maybe every couple of years.
"So how often do you two come to town," I asked.
"We come every month. We love this town." "Excuse me. I thought you said every month."
"You heard us right. We come every month, except December... dammit."
"Every month and you stay at two hotels for a total of eight days. You must not be gamblers? "
"Oh yes we are. We love the machines. It is one of our favorite things we come for."
"What is the matter with December?" I could not calculate what they must spend.
"We don't come in December because our children want us there for the holidays with their kids,
dammit." (Second dammit.)
"You don't want to be with them on the holidays?"
"No. We love it here and we can see them any time.“
These two were different. Where must they live? It must be close to Vegas, like Barstow, California or Kingman, Arizona or somewhere nearby, like within 150 miles.
"So where are you two from?" I asked.
"Hawaii. We are from Hawaii."
“You live 3,000 miles away? You don’t mind the travel?” The world's oddest couple lived six hours away by fastest jet.
“No, we love to travel.”
“Oh, do you go other places, too?
“No, we just like coming here.
I had to know, “So, do the hotels fuss over you and treat you special?” No.
"Do you not get the red carpet treatment?” No. They didn't want that. They liked to keep to themselves.
"How did you two meet? (How do a Swede and Japanese turn into a couple?)
"I was his secretary." She said, and then actually giggled, like a young girl.
That's when I remembered that they giggled at each other's every sentence.
"What kind of business was it?" since they had to have bucks to visit Las Vegas each month?
"Insurance office, he was my boss," came the answer with yet another, legitimate giggle.<
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She was in love. They were in love, a Swedish woman and a Japanese man. Who knew?
"What does the brain surgery mean to your traveling? Going to slow you down?" I asked.
"It's up to him," she said. So I asked him, "Well, sir, what do you say?"
"We should stay more days each month!"
They giggled yet again.
That day I realized, you can never, ever, tell for sure where love will go, or what story will get into your cab.
HANGOVER
The movie "Hangover" came out last summer after being filmed in Vegas at Caesars and in front of the Luxor Hotel. It was exceptionally funny and captured the worst case scenario of Las Vegas visitors getting carried away with celebrations and having some inconveniences occur. The very day after it came out at theatres I had two guys in my cab. They were still feeling last night's drinking and I expected little from them.
Exactly as we passed the location where the funniest scene in the movie was filmed the one guy spoke.
"You know, we're gonna have to find that groom."
I laughed and said, "Have either of you seen the trailer on the new movie, Hangover?"
"No. Why?"
"Because you are living it," I said.
I swear to God, the very next day, Sunday, three girls still feeling the effects of their partying the night before, landed in my cab. Exactly in the same place on the road the one said, ominously, "You know, we're gonna have to find that bride."
Cue the Twilight Zone music.
++++
Vegas drinking stories go back in time to the beginning. I have seen pictures of early Vegas’ wooden casinos similar to the cable TV show "Deadwood," but with a tarp for a front which could be rolled up to let a breeze blow through. This gave one cowboy/miner the idea he could get a drink on horseback. In one picture, a rider and his horse were belly-to-the-bar with a drink in hand and the camera caught a look on the horse like "What? You think this was my idea?"
++++
Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett were two icons of Vegas standup comedy who were known to have had historic drinking bouts. One night they parked their car in Caesars Palace pond out front with fountains going off all around. When security arrived to confront them, the cops were shocked to see it was the two famous comics. It was reported that one tossed them the keys while the other said, "Wash, no wax."
++++
Caesar's Palace has had it issues with crazy guests but none worse than "Fan Man." I am sure that no one has ever entered their property more spectacularly. He entered by parachute almost landing on Evander Hollifield during a heavyweight fight in the back yard open-air arena. Ever wonder why there are no more outdoor fights?
The Fan Man stunt was a classic one since he successfully dropped into a prizefight ring from an airplane, in the dark. Wow, what a shot. He was not given a standing ovation but he did make everyone stand up. He was immediately beaten up by the corner men for Evander and the security guards handed him over to the police.
He got two weeks in jail.
VEGAS HOSPITALS
Unhappy people can be anywhere, Vegas is no exception. We get our share and for a while I was getting my own share from the local hospitals. One such day I found a young man with his leg bandaged and a brand new crutch limping out to meet me at the curb. He was not wimping about his new injury; in fact, he hopped the last few feet to the cab proudly. He spoke with an enormous Russian accent and I could hardly understand him. I struggled to make out everything he wanted me to know and I was quite surprised by what I learned..
He said he was an acrobat with the famous Circqe Du Soleil and he had been dropped during a performance. It happens much more often than any of us would imagine. Evidently when the performers jump or throw themselves into the air, they need to be caught, correctly. The danger goes way up if the trick, stunt or act starts on the wrong mark or foot. It throws everybody off and if they don't get zeroed back in place on time the catcher is out of position. Some catchers are hurt trying to save the falling flyer.
How did I not know that these guys and girls got hurt? Football players and baseball players and even golfers get hurt exerting themselves, wrongly. He explained the circus has performers fill-in for the injured just like in sports. We see them in the performance but don't realize they moved up, down or over to cover a position. He was going to be in rehab for weeks and just like an athlete he said,
"No big thing."
++++
At the same hospital I once picked up a young girl, all alone in her party dress. She had no purse and no cell phone which surprised me. The last thing she remembered was dancing in a club and then she woke up in the hospital. Nurses had told her she could have died from the low level of hydration in her body when she arrived in the E.R.
Dehydration is a common occurrence in Las Vegas. Most people in this world live near bodies of water that generates humidity, which basically is water being thrown at you constantly. The Vegas desert is the opposite, in that it silently steals moisture from us "walking water bottles." Add the coffee, tea, beer and cocktails that all work like diuretics and you are really drying out fast. You can easily lose more than a quart of water per day, without exertion.
This girl told me she had been drinking mostly alcohol for three days and now she had to get back to her friends and calm down. But she had no money and no phone. She used my cell phone only to find that her friends were gone, probably to the pool, and had left her no messages. I didn't like her friends since she was all alone, and this only made it worse. I knew I should have put her on a bus but I felt bad for her, being all alone. I took her to the door of her hotel, the biggest in the world at the time. She couldn't find them just as I had guessed.
Now we had the meter to deal with. I thought of gifting her but my wife had said I was over my sucker limit. The only way she could pay for her fare was the in-lieu-of fare step, so I took her dancing shoes as collateral assuming she would ransom them the next day. She had nothing else.
Imagine my delight. I got to bring rhinestone-studded stiletto party shoes to the office. I spoofed,
"If she doesn't redeem these babies, they're all mine." She never did.
++++
Another unhappy rider was a young guy with a bandage on his head. Evidently he was a Marine on leave for a special award ceremony. His unit was being cited for action beyond the call of duty, in Iraq. I was excited to find out his squad pulled down the statue of Saddam Hussein as seen by millions on TV. He stood guard as his buddies focused on their famous scene.
One of those buddies had brought a hooker back to the room in which my rider was sleeping. He was awakened when he felt someone reaching into his bed for his wallet. This "lady" felt she was owed more money than her date had, so she was going to get it for herself. That is when the argument became an air battle.
She threw a bottle to emphasize her point and my rider still didn't agree. She hit him in the head with a shot glass, splitting his skin open, and requiring stitches. This was damaging government property so the guys called hotel security who, in turn, called an ambulance and the city police. She had to go jail and he had to go to the E.R.
This poor guy's last words to me were, “I survived a year in Iraq without a scratch and I didn't get through a night in Vegas."
THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT
As a taxi driver in Vegas, you pretty much get to see it all. But imagine one spring night while motoring down the boulevard of lights, you look over at the queen hotel of the Strip, and it’s dark. I was so stunned I quickly looked at my watch and seeing it was hours 'til sunrise I turned my car around and drove up the palatial entry ramp and into the dismal porte cochere of the blackened Bellagio.
As my car got to the top I could see only a few lonely lights illuminating the glorious front entrance. Not so glorious or grand tonight. I could see the hotel was in trouble and needed me immediately. It was 4:00 am and the doorman was so glad to see me as he helped his sleepy guests climb into t
he car and begged me to send more cabs I radioed my dispatcher conveyed the emergency, and said to send all our cabs, fast. Here is what the guests reported in my car:
"Oh thank God we caught this cab. The power went off in the entire hotel. Staff encouraged us to go down the stairs in groups with flashlight escort. The auxiliary power was on at only a few places so the old or disabled people were getting on the few working elevators. We didn't trust those things for fear of getting trapped. There never was an alarm so when we asked they just said it was “a power outage."
As we all found out in the ensuing days, the Bellagio Hotel, finest and richest hotel in all of Nevada had its power collapse at between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. on:
Easter Sunday morning!
