by Kat Helgeson
I haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope everything’s going well.
All my love,
Mom
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date: None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
Everything’s great! This picture is great! Looks like you guys had a really good
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date: None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
I wish I could have been there! I love Lydia’s dress. Angie’s looks too orange for her. Maybe we can
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 2:39 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
hi mom.
glad you and ang and lyd had fun. they look great here.
no, sunflowers aren’t too garish. I think they’d be pretty. and if the neighbors complain they can take a walk. it’s your yard.
to tell you the truth, things aren’t going so well and they haven’t been for a while.
from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:57 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!
What’s wrong? Is it Charlie? Are you two fighting? Is it something with the job? Can I do anything to help you? You know I’m always in your corner, Stephanie. You can always depend on your parents to help you if you need it.
All our love,
Mom & Dad
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 3:16 PM
subject: issues
thanks you guys.
things with Charlie are okay. we had kind of a bad patch, but I think we’ve worked it out. it was rough for a while. but it’s Charlie.
to tell you the truth, and please, please don’t start calling everyone and telling them this, especially not angie and lyd because you know they’ll be all over my case about it, but I think we actually might get married.
not that he’s asked. not that I’ve said yes. but I feel sort of like if he did, I would. I just feel like he knows me as well as any one person can and still loves me, and after almost four years I still love him, and...you know? I’ve never done this before. is that how it’s supposed to feel?
anyway, that’s future stuff. for the time being I’m happy with the way we are.
the job...well, I lost the job. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry I can’t figure out how to be gainfully employed. I’m sorry I’m letting you down. I’m broke and embarrassed and it feels awful, and as much as I want to stay here and live this life, I might not be able to afford it much longer.
the truth is, my best friend was in a bad accident, and now she’s got some kind of post traumatic stress thing and no money to pay for the drugs she needs. she’s living on our couch and I’ve been paying for group therapy because I can’t afford the one on one kind, and my savings account is dry and her aunt has been sending money for her meds, but I don’t think Evie ever told her how much they cost and I don’t feel comfortable asking this woman for money, and anyway I can’t use that to pay the bills, obviously.
So things are pretty messed up right now.
from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 5:44 PM
subject: RE: issues
Oh, Sweetheart.
You should have told us you were in trouble. Of course we’re not disappointed.
You stay strong, like you always do. We are so proud of you, Stephanie. Helping a friend in trouble – that’s exactly the kind of girl you’ve always been, ever since you were young. Is this friend someone we know? She’s lucky to have you in her life.
We have some extra money that was earmarked for you, since you won a scholarship and your sisters didn’t. Would that give you some breathing room until you’re able to find a new job?
Love,
Mom & Dad
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: issues
no, I can’t
from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:01 PM
subject: thank you
I don’t know what to say.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for believing in me.
I love you both.
in Charlie’s notebook, now Gena’s notebook
What Steven Said
our group leader says
trying to break out of it is no way to live
he says
stretch inside of it
there is so much room
there is so much for you to grab in here
stop hurting yourself trying to escape
just
stretch
steven thinks he means mental illness
I think he means our past
I think he means our family
we're lying on the grass again, me and him
while he tickles the bottom of my foot with a blade of grass
because I don't have shoes on
I tell him that I feel like i'm lying to him
and he looks up
"Why?"”
"Because I haven't told you everything,"” says me.
He crawls up me, elbows on either side of my ribs, all breathing and skin and friend
"I haven't told you everything either,"” he says.
and I realize
I don't want to tell him.
not because I don't want him to know
not because I want to be able to run away
not because I think he couldn't take it
because i'm tired
because it would take such a long time
because maybe I am beginning to forget parts
and maybe that's okay
because I am lying in the grass with a nice boy
who doesn't need to be everything
I stretch out
Text with John C.
hi. It’s genevieve from a weird
number.
Nov 5, 5:16 PM
honey.
in Gena's notebook
What Finn Said
the premiere's in three days
we're eating popcorn
to practice
"do you ever want kids?"” I say
she tosses a piece in the air
catches it in between her teeth
like an expert
this girl could do anything.
"nah,"” she says.
"i have a kid,"” she says.
She puts her hand on top of my head, tugs me in.
"you're the best kid in the world
and we made you that way ourselves.”"
What Gena Says
i thought that the fire would always divide
this is now, that was then
i thought it was a line break
like a new stanza
you can't go back.
i thought grief would insert itself in the middle and never leave.
i know better now.
stanzas are for quitters
punctuation is for the brave.
If love is a semicolon then grief is a comma:
it won't ever stand alone,
but it will give you one breath,
in.
For You:
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this.
You were there for almost all of it. There’s not much I can say that you don’t already know.
The Season 4 premiere aired on a Monday. I wish it didn’t. I wish they’d moved it to Wednesday, or Friday, or nine a.m. on Sunday morning. Monday night was when we watched Jake. This is a different show, and any loyalty I feel (and there is some, I can’t deny it) is residual and unearned. Tyler’s fine, but who is he now?
On the night of the premiere, you and Charlie were giddy and ridiculous, and it surprised me to see either of you so worked up about the show. “What’s going on?”
“Surprise present!” you said, and Charlie shot you a look like you wrecked Christmas.
“The hell? It’s not my birthday.”
“It’s not really a present, either.” Charlie handed me a
newspaper-wrapped bundle. “It’s already yours.”
“It’s my sketchbook!” I could tell immediately by the size and weight. “Where did you get it?”
“I had it, remember?” You were nearly bouncing up and down. “You left it in my dorm. You told me to keep it. Like I was going to.”
“Don’t worry,” Charlie grinned. “I didn’t look at it.”
“I looked at it,” you informed him.
“Fangirl stuff,” he said knowledgeably, and not like it was a bad thing either. Like it was ours, mine and yours.
So I’ve got that back now, and it’s such a relief, and you’re probably wondering why I’m still writing everything down in this stupid expensive uninspiring gift-shop journal.
We had dinner (lasagna, Charlie cooked) at the table like it was an occasion and filed into the living room ceremoniously when we’d finished. Charlie settled in his La-Z-Boy with his computer on his lap, which is the way he’s always watched Up Below. He doesn’t have to pay attention, really. It isn’t his show. He watches for the chase scenes and the fights, and occasionally the plot. He likes Evanson.
You wore his hoodie and my yoga pants because your clothes still haven’t arrived from Oakmoor. (I don’t know who was in charge of boxing up your things and shipping them to us, but they should be fired.) You had a chocolate bar, which you weren’t eating. I don’t really blame you. I was too nervous to touch my dinner.
I want to say I feel like the premiere shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but the truth is that I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be.
I saw it coming before it happened. We all did. Tyler walked out of a crumbling cave without checking to see if Jake was behind him, which was so out of character that I actually giggled. I clapped a hand over my mouth and looked at you, at Charlie, but he was rolling his eyes and your mouth was quirked a little in a way that let me know you weren’t upset.
There was a recycled shot of Jake looking up – any fan would have spotted it, even Charlie knew – a rumble of falling rock, a moment of silence, and that’s it.
The worst part was when Tyler screamed.
That was recycled too. I recognized it from Season 1. They didn’t ask Toby to do that, and I’m glad.
The rest of the episode was mostly Evanson, which means it was pretty boring unless you actually care about things like plot and politics. By the half hour mark, I had my sketchbook out, working on something that’s probably going to be Jake when I get it done. I can’t help it. I miss him. Charlie was actively ignoring the TV, and you were making short work of the chocolate.
“Do you guys want to turn it off?” I looked around for the remote.
“Nah,” you said through a mouthful. “Might as well see how
it ends.”
How it ends, predictably, is with Tyler (who I keep thinking
of as Toby now) vowing to avenge Jake’s death. It was nice
of him, I guess. We all know it can never make anything
right. Evanson revealed himself to be one of the good guys, probably (tune in next week!) and the end credits included
a title screen in memoriam of Janet Learmen, Marian Little, and Zack Martocchio.
I don’t feel anything about any of that.
You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this, because you saw that episode, and I don’t think you felt anything either. When it ended you looked at me and shrugged and said “There that is, then,” and went to take a shower. Just now I went to check on you and you were already asleep in bed, curled around Charlie’s laptop with your journal pulled up. You’ve been writing something. I left it there, in case you want to finish when you wake up.
I’m telling you this, Evie, because stories change in memory and in the retelling, and because you write and rewrite them until they’re what you want them to be, but this is one story I want you to remember the way it happened. I want you to remember the people we are now, the times I was there for you and the times I let you down. I want you to love me weak like I loved you crazy, and when we’re both on top again we’ll remember that we did it.
Here goes.
Title: Here. You. Me.
Author: _EvenIf
Word Count: 262
Summary: Post-4x01
Pairing: none
Disclaimer: don’t own the characters
Author’s Note: I wrote this whole long intro and deleted it, so...here’s what I have to say. Hope you like it.
If you’d asked Tyler what he would miss most if he ever lost Jake, he would have known the right things to say. His laugh. The shit he leaves all over Ty’s damn car. The awful singing. Push him a little harder and he would have begrudgingly mentioned some sentimental stuff: floppy cakes Jake attempted on his birthdays, the smell his shampoo left in the shower. And that fucking laugh, again.
He’s never going to forget the laugh, but what he never thought would hit him so hard is how much he’s hurting for how fucking loud Jake was when he was sleeping.
Because Evanson’s gone now, and it’s just the dark and this scratchy unfamiliar mattress and nothing else, and fine, FINE, if it’s his responsibility to fill the silence he’ll fucking cry, okay?
It’s familiarity, it’s childhood, it’s security, it’s a brother.
And it’s the end of Jake so it’s the end of part of him and what he wants to know, what he just wants to know right this fucking minute is how much of him, because if you’d asked him before, if you’d asked him how would you be if Jake died he would have said I WOULD DIE, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING THE HELL LEFT OF ME--
but here he is.
And he just wants it to be tomorrow so he can sit up and look at himself in the light and see what’s left of him.
“I can’t keep going,” he says, tamping down the quiet, just for a minute.
He breathes, accidentally, and keeps going.
--genny goldman
and since I promised you all some pictures:
Me filming a scene with Jake, two days before the accident:
Me and Zack on Man of the House during a break, drinking juice boxes (we h
ad to practice drinking them SILENTLY so we could have them while other people were filming):
and a gorgeous, GORGEOUS piece of fan art from last night, by my best friend in the world:
15 Comments
DanniRice
goddddd gorgeous. Needed this, thank you. I hope we get to see something like this next week...Ty’s got to have some breakdown, right?
SwingLowMySweet
Honey. How are you?
_EvenIf
doing okay. I’m sorry I left you guys hanging for so long.
SwingLowMySweet
shh, no. Let me know if you need to talk, okay? Love you.
_EvenIf
Love you.
Tumbledown
God, sobbing. I’m so glad you’re okay.
_EvenIf
me too.
MioMy
holy shit.
slotohes
we’ve been SO worried about you, gena!! SO good to hear from you.
_EvenIf
good to be back, thank you.
finnblueline
you.
_EvenIf
you.
Tylergirl93
really pretty, but shouldn’t you be writing about zack, not jake?
_EvenIf
lol
finnblueline
lol
Here goes.
Title: Here. You. Me.
Author: _EvenIf
Word Count: 262
Summary: Post-4x01
Pairing: none
