by Kelly Harper
I flopped onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling. The dorm halls outside were quiet, everyone was spending their Saturday night out on the town, getting in trouble or having fun in some other way. I was probably the only one cooped up inside; trapped with my own anxiety.
My dorm room was tiny, but it was my own. Being a Resident Advisor meant I didn't have to tolerate a roommate. My family didn't come from a lot of money and I knew a long time ago that sacrifices would be made to achieve my goals. In this case, a roof over my head and food to eat came with the price of my freedom four nights a month. It was a small price to pay.
My phone chirped and lit up on the nightstand next to me. The small screen read "Dana".
"Hey," I answered.
"What you up to?" she asked in her cheery voice. Judging by the noise in the background she was out somewhere.
"Sitting here, bored out of my mind."
"Come out, me and a few girls are at Chilis and we're going down to Fourth Ave after dinner."
I groaned in jealousy. "I can't. I'm on duty tonight. Got to stay here and make sure no one tries smuggle alcohol into the building or burn the place down."
She groaned, too. "I'm sorry, girl. We'll do it next weekend then."
A light of hope crept into me, but was dashed quickly.
"I don't know if I'll be able to," I lamented. "I'm going to be busy the rest of the semester."
"Ya, the end of the semesters are always difficult. Finals are a bitch," she said. There was a long pause. "Hey how'd the meeting go yesterday?"
My heart skipped a beat at the thought of the Professor. Images of that gorgeous smile flashed through my head again.
"It went… alright," I said. The hesitation in my voice was obvious. Dana and I had known each other for so long she could practically read my mind anyway. There was a long pause again, then the background noise lessened considerably; it was just the two of us now.
"Something you want to talk about?" she asked, her voice grave.
"It's nothing," I said. I wanted to tell her more, to tell her what had happened between Ethan and I, but I couldn't. It's not that I cared what she might think about me - she was my best friend and I could tell her anything; but I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing. "We spent the day going over some of the research I'll be working on."
"You met him today too?" she pressed, her voice sounding overly concerned.
My voice caught up for a moment. She didn't know that I was going to be working with Ethan more than normal - probably more than she had worked with him a year ago.
"He didn't want to give me any extra credit at first. I had to beg him to get the chance," I said.
"I see," she said, but something sounded different. "So you're going to be spending your weekends with him?"
"Working on his research," I clarified. "It's an amazing opportunity, really. He's so smart and I'm already learning a ton from him."
Something told me to cut myself off - to stop talking - or I would be opening a can of worms I wasn't prepared to deal with. It was a gut feeling, nothing I could have verbalized.
"OK. Well, good luck with that, I guess. Let me know if you have time for me."
It was very obvious now that something was wrong. Dana never sounded that distant from me. We were a team; we did everything together.
"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.
"I have to go, I'm being rude," she said curtly, and hung up the phone.
I looked down at my phone, confused. What just happened?
Chapter 8
Ethan arrived to the lecture hall later than usual. Usually he arrived early, enjoying the extra time to mentally prepare for the lecture. More often than not he tried to get ahead on some of the massive amounts of reading he was subjected to. His life was all about finding those little moments when he could get more done. Minutes here and there added up over the course of a month. It was how he had accomplished so much at such a young age.
Today was different, however. He had dreaded the impending lecture all morning - he would have to confront Kayla. She would be there like she always was, sitting in the third row off to the left. Why was he so nervous to see her again? It was a rhetorical question - he knew the answer. He just wasn't ready to admit it to himself.
Kayla was an anomaly; she was unlike any other woman in his life. But, more importantly, she was a student. She was off limits - there could be no slip-ups again. He had been down that road once before, and it hadn't ended well.
Ethan stacked a few papers on the tiny podium at the front of the classroom. He forced his thoughts clear before addressing everyone. They were continuing their discussion on the market impact of expected earnings versus actual earnings. To him, it was a wildly riveting discussion, and much of his research was centered on the very topic. His students, however, usually struggled to stay awake through the lectures.
He looked up and scanned the room. He tried with all of his being to avoid looking directly at Kayla, but it was impossible. She was in her usual spot, looking as beautiful as ever. His heart caught in his chest when he saw her, and his eyes lingered on her for just a moment too long.
Damn she's beautiful, what could she ever see in an old professor like you?
"Today we're going to look at a case study," he said, finally able to divert his attention back to the class. "We're going to look at what happens when a company fails to meet their earnings expectations, even by only a few cents."
Groans rumbled throughout the class, but not from Kayla. Her face beamed. He hated that he had even noticed it - but how could he not?
The forty-five minute lecture progressed quickly, once he got rolling. Getting started was always the hardest part, and soon he hit his stride. He never expected any questions from the students - they were rare in the low level classes - and as usual, he had over-prepared his material. Before he knew it, time was up. The masses shuffled for the exits, distancing themselves from him as quick as possible.
But one student remained seated, letting everyone else pass before her. Kayla sat in her spot until the room was empty, and she made no effort to disguise her longing stares. It was just the two of them.
Ethan considered making a run for it. He didn't know what she had to say to him, but it couldn't be good. She was probably going to let him know that they couldn't meet anymore, that she couldn't do the extra credit because she couldn't be alone with him. He didn't know what that would mean, but he couldn't see any circumstances where that decision was beneficial.
Before he could gather everything, though, she was standing in front of him. His breath caught as he felt her beauty. She had a presence that he couldn't ignore - it drove him wild. He felt the familiar shift in his pants; his body had noticed her arrival as well.
Stay calm, you can do this, he reminded himself. She's just a student, maybe she just has a question about the lecture.
"Christ you're a mess," he muttered to himself, hoping she didn't hear.
Chapter 9
“Did you say something?” I asked.
Ethan looked at me, his eyes were wide and he blushed.
“No, sorry,” he said. He was frantically stuffing papers into his suitcase and looked like he wanted to get away as fast as possible. Did I do something wrong?
“What can I do for you?” he asked.
As far as professors went, Ethan had a boyish charm I found endearing. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult to sit through the lecture, but he had won me over. The entire time he stood talking about public markets and analyst projections I had been fantasizing what it might be like to be near him again - to feel the heat of his body against mine. To be so bold as to hold his hand.
Now with him standing so near, my heart was racing, but something was wrong. I could see something new in his eye - concern. It hadn’t been there before.
“Ethan, you’re acting weird. What’s going on?”
“Professor,” he corrected. His eyes darted around the room, but we were t
he only two there.
I bit my lip, certain that I had crossed some boundary. I cursed myself again for getting too close to him - I should have kept well enough to myself in the first place.
“Sorry, Professor. Are you okay? You look like something is the matter.”
“Everything is fine, thank you for asking.”
He slung his now over-stuffed satchel over his shoulder and was eyeballing the door. I regarded him for a moment. I should have just left when class had ended. I was going to see him again on Saturday anyway, there was no reason to make things even more awkward between us.
“I just wanted to thank you, again, for the opportunity that you’ve given me,” I said. “I’ll be sure not to waste it.”
He scrunched his face at me, but then looked… relieved. He took a deep breath before turning to face me fully. His mouth twitched for a moment before he said anything.
“I’m sorry Kayla. I’m not used to this,” he said finally a moment of bare honesty. “There are boundaries that we must keep - and sometimes you make me forget them.”
“Boundaries?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Student-teacher boundaries,” he continued.
I felt my cheeks burn bright red. I knew it! I had stepped over a line and there was no going back. Ethan - the Professor - was putting on the brakes already. I had never been punched in the stomach before - but I imagined, at that moment, that I knew what it felt like.
“Right. Of course,” I said. “Well, thank you all the same.”
He nodded and his eyes sunk to the floor. His shaggy hair dropped in front of his face, again, and I was annoyed by it for the first time. I realized that I didn't want boundaries, I wanted to be close to him again - just like we'd been last Saturday. But that had been a mistake, clearly. It wouldn't happen again, he would make sure of that.
"I was hoping we could get some extra work in on the project," I said finally.
"Extra work?" he said, sounding confused.
"I told you I was committed - and I plan to stand by that."
He studied me for a second and then nodded his approval.
"I like that, Kayla," he said. "Why don't you come by my office on Friday, instead of Saturday. That should give you more time to get ahead."
A slight weight lifted off my shoulders. Maybe I could salvage things, yet.
"Great," I said enthusiastically. "I'll see you in Thursday's lecture then."
I turned to leave and he followed me out. He held the door or me and we left the lecture hall together. Outside we turned to leave in separate directions. Ethan gave me a smile and a nod.
"See you Thursday," he said awkwardly.
I nodded at him. I wanted to say more - to do more. A hug felt more appropriate than some uncomfortably formal salutation. But before I could act, he turned to leave. I didn't dare stop him or call out to him. Rather, I fled in the other direction.
Chapter 10
The rest of the week dragged on. I didn't know what to do with myself - all I could think about was Ethan. He consumed nearly every one of my waking thoughts. He wasn't there with me, but at the same time he wouldn't leave me alone.
I worried I would begin falling behind in my other classes. I worried that my new-found obsession with the Professor would lead to a slow decline in my other grades. But I was safe. My grades were high enough that I had leeway to slack off a bit.
Isn’t that what got you into this situation int he first place?
Midweek I called Dana to see if she wanted to get lunch, but she never answered. I didn't know what I had done to upset her, but I didn't want to be invasive if she needed some time to herself. I could respect that need, and had been in similar situations before. Still - I hoped that she would come around soon. I missed my friend. There was so much I wanted to tell her - so much that had happened since we last talked.
But what could I tell her, really?
I didn't dare voice my feelings for Ethan yet. What were my feelings for Ethan, anyways? Dragging her into the mix would only add more confusion. Or maybe she could put things in perspective for me. Let me see things from a new point of view, and help me get clarity. I really wanted her to call me back so we could figure things out together.
No one had ever gone out on a limb for me like Ethan had. He was risking his reputation - and possibly even his career - by giving me the extra credit that I probably didn’t even deserve. Not many people got a second chance when they messed up; but Ethan was giving me one anyway.
How many men would put everything they had known - their livelihood - on the line for someone they barely knew? He didn’t want anything from me in return. He wasn’t doing it to get laid; though I knew I would melt in his hands if he ever put them on me. He was doing all of these things because he had faith in me. He saw what I could be and knew that, at the end of the day, I had made a mistake.
Thursday couldn't have come soon enough. I woke up early that morning and wore one of my favorite outfits.
Kayla, you're acting so childish.
But I didn't care. I busted my ass all semester, and I was entitled to enjoying myself a bit - wasn't I? Besides, feeling sexy never hurt anyone. Maybe it was the exact boost of confidence I needed to figure things out.
As I inspected myself in the full-length mirror in my dorm I imagined the look on Ethan's face when he would see me. I was wearing tiny, tight shorts and a tight blouse that showed just enough cleavage to be distracting. Would he be distracted? Would he be impressed? Would he think less of me? I tried not to dwell on that last thought for long - it would only worsen my mood.
When I arrived at class I discovered that my efforts had all been in vain. An adjunct professor was there to tell us that he would be giving the lecture since Ethan had been called into a last minute meeting.
Annoyance and concern distracted me for the entire lecture. I hoped everything was all right. I wondered what the last minute meeting could possibly be - but, more importantly, I wondered if he would be at office hours the next day.
He better be. I knew finally that I couldn’t wait any longer. I was ready to burst at the seams. I knew exactly what I had to do - and tomorrow would be the day I did it.
Chapter 11
I found myself standing outside of Ethan's office for the third time in less than a week. I was relieved to see the light on, and to see his familiar form sitting at his desk through the frosted glass window. No one else was there, and I remembered him telling me that no one ever showed up to his office hours. He was all alone. I inspected myself one last time, and patted down the slight crinkles in my skirt. I tugged my shirt just a bit lower - nothing too scandalous, but I wanted him to notice.
I tapped on the door lightly before entering.
I stuck my head in first and found Ethan working away on his computer. He looked up and shot me the biggest smile I’d ever seen.
“Kayla,” he said, louder than I expected. “Come in.”
My heart raced when I saw that he was dressed in a suit. A coat hung from a peg in the wall behind him; he looked incredible.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” he said.
I shut the door behind me when I entered. A deadbolt lock was directly above the door knob. It clicked when I turned it. Then I spun around and faced him squarely.
"What are you doing?" he asked, his brow pinching tightly together.
There was no turning back now, I would have closure one way or another. I leaned my back against the door, centering myself while I studied him. He stared at me, confused, but that didn't bother me. All of my doubts and fears were swept away by his look. I was used to going after what I wanted - it's what I had done all my life. Ethan was no different. If I wanted something to happen, or if I wanted some questions answered, I was going to have to ask them.
I crossed the room in only a few steps. The desk jammed hard into my legs as I leaned over it.
"Do you find me attractive?" I asked.
I had to know, I
couldn't take it any longer. He sat there with a shocked expression on his face for a while.
"Attractive?" he stuttered. His mouth worked and his eyes darted around to make sense of my sudden attack. "I… uh… you…"
Finally his voice trailed off and he looked at me. He took a deep breath and composed himself. His face was no further than a foot from mine; I could smell the mint in his breath again.
"If you don't - just say so." My voice was harder than I intended.
My eyes darted back and forth between his. There wasn't granite in his face anymore; a softness replaced it. I searched it deeply, wishing to see something that would give me hope. That would let me know I wasn't off my rocker.
His eyes searched me too, and came to stop on my lips. The intensity of his look made my heart pound violently. The friction between us was almost too much to bear. I needed something to happen. Anything. I didn't think I could handle his silent look much longer.
Then something did happen.
Ethan's face rose upward. His lips pressed into mine and his hand curled around the back of my neck. He pulled me into him, into the deep kiss. But he didn't need to.
My own hands wrapped around his back as I tried to pull him toward me. His tongue dipped into my mouth and danced with mine. My pulse raced as I began to fall into him. I clung to him more tightly, my knees growing weak as he pressed into me.
He pulled me with even greater strength. My feet lifted off the ground and I was up on his desk before I knew it. I kicked and pushed myself into him, sending papers rustling to the floor in a mess. Ethan stumbled and fell backward into his chair, pulling me clear over the desk with him.
I spread my legs and straddled him in the chair, my hips pinning him there. My fingers tangled themselves in his shaggy brown hair. He pulled my hair to the side and began kissing my cheek, and down to my neck. My body responded positively to his exploring lips. His tongue traced the gentle curve in my neck and I pulled his head back.
