“Now do that a billion more times,” he said, stroking her hair one handed as he drove.
His eyes stayed on the road but that touch alone made her body feel a little better. A little less tightly wound.
Luna smiled. “I’ll try.”
“There is no try, only do,” he said.
“That was a terrible Yoda,” she snorted. Then she burst into tears because Yoda had been one of Nick’s favorites to quote. And she had to stop thinking of it that way, that it had been his favorite. He was not dead, only sick. And he’d be fine.
“It wasn’t bad enough to make you cry!” Adam pulled her in one-armed and kissed her head. “He’s fine,” he whispered in her ear.
“I know. Just the thought…the thought…”
“I know. The thought of losing someone you love that much is staggering all on its own.
And if he came anywhere close to it, such as, let’s say landing in the hospital, it can send you into a tailspin. Trust me, kid. I know.”
She nodded, letting herself sag against him for a second. She prided herself on being strong, but God, she needed to just be for a moment and let him be strong for her. Usually that had been reserved for Ben back in the day, but Ben was not her husband anymore. Ben was MIA, even. If Adam was willing to do it, then she should be brave enough to accept his comfort.
When they finally pulled into the hospital parking lot, Luna felt an odd mixture of exhausted and wired. She climbed from Adam’s car on wobbly knees and put her hands on the car roof to stabilize herself. The hospital looked big and imposing—way too clinical for her liking. As if Nicky was trapped inside like some sort of laboratory animal instead of a patient.
She put her head down and tried to breathe, her lips had gone numb. Anxiety attack.
“He’s okay. Usually mixing a bit of booze with drugs is a lot of mess and then banana bags. Luna…”
She waited, trying to force air into her lungs as his hands danced along her shoulder blades. He smoothed calming circles on her lower back as she struggled to calm down.
“Luna, he’s okay. You just need to get yourself together.”
“Right. Get myself together. Drinking is normal teenage stuff. I mean, we all try it, right…”
“Right.”
“But we’re all not on meds that control impulses! We’re all not on big scary pills that are supposed to make our body’s behave when they don’t want to,” she said and slammed her hand on his car so hard it rattled up her bones into her shoulder. “We’re all not supposed to report any rashes, itching, tongue swelling, or dark urine, or…” She slammed her hand again.
“There you go,” he said again, touching her hair, brushing it back.
“We are all not dealing with constant movement and people…staring on the days where we can’t control it. Or, according to my dad, a mom who, all on her own, makes you feel like a…” A hiccupping sob ripped out of her as she said, “Freak”
“You do not make your son feel like a freak,“ he said in her ear. She detected anger in his tone and turned on him fast.
“How do you know?”
“I know you, and you would never make anyone feel like a freak. Let alone someone you loved more than your own life.” In the bright morning sun his face was a dark mask of annoyance. He was annoyed at her for talking bad about herself. That amused her.
“You are a nut,” she said, the fire fleeing her. She sighed.
Adam grinned. “You know what they say,” he said, taking her hand and leading her toward the main entrance.
“What do they say?” She took the bait.
“It takes one to know one.” When he winked at her, she felt her heart warm and become calmer. She could do this.
The woman at the information desk almost made her violent.
“Nick Watkins’s room,” Luna said, sucking in a shuddering breath.
The woman made great show of typing into her console. “He’s a minor.”
“I’m aware of that. He’s my son.” Luna ground the words out. She felt Adam place a calming hand at her back and she forced herself to breathe.
“It says he’s with his guardian.”
“He’s with my parents.”
The woman, whose nametag read CANDY, looked up and repeated. “He’s a minor.”
“I. Know. That.” Luna said.
“We have strict policies on letting visitors in to see minors. I’ll need you to fill out some—“
“I’m his mother!” Luna snapped.
“Well, yes, but it does say he’s with his guardians and they—“ Adam stepped forward just as Luna was ready to take a swing at the woman.
“He’s been spending the summer with his grandparents. This is his mother. They called us to come here because he’s been admitted.”
“I’ll need ID,” she said.
Luna snatched her wallet out of her purse. Her phone was vibrating but she pushed it away.
“Fine. But you need to let her up there, and I will stay here and sort this out with you, okay?” Adam cocked his head and said softly, “It’s her son. It’s been a long ride. And she’s a bit frazzled. Surely, you can see how this would be even more stressful.”
“But security would have to escort her—“
“Good, fine, great…” Adam glanced around and waved at a guard. “I think that’s a brilliant idea.”
That’s when Luna burst into tears and he extricated her wallet from her hand to find her driver’s license. She must have finally snapped because she hiccupped. “Don’t look at my weight!”
He burst out laughing, and then calmly explained to the guard who she was and where she needed to go. Luna felt a small amount of vindication when the guard glared at the gatekeeper and tsked, “Candy, Candy. You need to get over your power trip, girl. This way, Ma’am.” He led her gently to an elevator. “I’ll take you up the employee way. We’ll get there faster and you can get yourself together before you see your boy. You know they take their cues from their parents. It’s our job to be calm.”
So she cried really hard for a moment while thanking him and then she got herself together. The phone rang again in her purse, but the doors slid open and she ignored it. Luna saw her father just a few steps away and ran to him. He caught her up in a hug.
“Some mental woman in the lobby just called to make sure you were his mother. We gave them your name. Jesus.”
“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here now and Adam’s handling…that woman.”
“Adam?” he asked, pulling back to look at her.
“Later.”
“Where’s Ben?”
“Couldn’t get him. I’ll try him again after I see Nick.” And then she rushed past her dad to go see her son.
Chapter Twenty-Six
It was very hard not to cry when she saw him. Instead, she swatted at his foot even though he winced. “What the hell were you thinking, kid?” Her voice only cracked a little when she said it.
“I wasn’t. It seemed…” He shrugged and the IV in his arm danced.
“Like a good idea?”
“Not really.”
“Cool?”
“Not so much.” He gave her a wan smile and her heart broke.
Without turning, Luna could feel Adam’s energy in the hallway. She heard her mother’s voice, and her father’s, and then Adam’s deep resonating voice as he answered. Hopefully they weren’t grilling him too much. But he was a big boy and fine on his own.
“Then why did you do it, Nicholas?” she sighed, blinking hard to hold the tears back.
Another shrug and his eyes went glassy with unshed tears. “I don’t know mom. I was frustrated and I wanted…” He looked away, toward the morning light spearing through the window.
“To get away from it. Just…feel better?”
He nodded.
“Do you feel better?” She laughed—dark humor at its finest.
“Nope. I feel stupid.”
Luna sat on the edge of his bed, took his hand. Fo
r a moment she couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to preach to him. Nick was in enough pain. Hearing Adam out in the hall calmed her.
She heard her phone ring again and realized it must be Ben.
“I have to call your dad again in a moment,” she said.
Nick nodded, his jaw clenched a bit. He took a shuddering breath.
“But Nick, you are not the first person to do this by accident. Sadly, you won’t be the last.” She squeezed. “And as much as I want to shake you until your teeth fall out…” He almost smiled then and she felt her heart leap.
“It won’t do any good. The only thing that matters is if you learned how important you are. Your life is. How much we love you. How…” Ech. She was preaching. But she pushed on.
“How that kind of stuff won’t really help. It only makes stuff worse for the most part.” The phone started up a buzz again in her purse and Luna stood. “Now, you need to let me go answer that before your father ends up in the bed next to you because he had a stroke.”
* * * * *
“Who’s that?” Ben’s mouth was a tight seam. He had his hands shoved deep in his pockets. There were bags under his eyes, and he looked more haggard than she’d ever seen him.
The drive from home had fried his nerves, she could tell.
“That’s Adam. We’ve been…seeing each other a little. He drove me. I couldn’t get a hold of you,” she said as if she needed to explain. Then Luna felt annoyed and reminded herself that she was angry in general and exhausted. Not to take it out on Ben.
“Oh. Didn’t know we were bringing dates to the hospital,” he said. Luna let that jibe go and let him talk it out. “I was working a night shift at the hospital. The exciting life of a night custodian,” Ben said with a grimace.
“Ben, I worked as a Happy Maid for a few years before the catering took off, remember?
Kids--they need food, shoes, all that jazz,” she said and touched his arm.
He blew out a weary breath and stared at the door to Nick’s room. He’d only been in there a few minutes before Nick fell asleep. “He’s fine they said.” Nice way to change the subject. Talk about their son. “He’s dehydrated from being so sick. But we’re lucky he was so sick, because it cleared his system of anything that might have harmed him…more.” Ben swallowed hard, and Luna had a sudden vivid flash of them in a different hospital long ago, her holding a nursing baby. Her body exhausted and spent, but also pleasantly heavy from pain killers and the feeling of invincibility that came with child birth.
Ben went in search of coffee, and Luna went to the door of Nick’s room and watched him sleeping. She felt an arm around her and then Adam said in her ear, “How’re you holding up?” Confused.
“I’m okay. I’m…”
Nick opened his eyes and she saw him studying them—groggy but aware. Luna read his face, or thought she did, and panic flared in her. Who’s that? is what that face said. The same question Ben had asked. The same look her dad had gotten. What had she been thinking? Her life did not have room for the straight up sex, let alone what this whole thing with Adam had been straying toward.
He nodded to Nick who shut his eyes and promptly went back under. He looked pale and small in that bed, and it broke Luna’s heart. Adam squeezed her again, and big black wings of anxiety beat in her chest. “You sure? You need anything? I can go get you a—“ She turned to him fast, using the door jamb to keep herself steady. Without it she felt like she might fall down. “I’m fine, really.” She had to force the words out. Had to make herself say them. “Thank you so much for bringing me. For helping us.” There it was. She was a huge coward, hiding behind the us. Saying, effectively, my family…which you are not a part of. But she had to be a grown up, do what was right for everyone. Right now, it was about getting Nick back on track. Helping him. And if he needed her and his father’s undivided attention to do it, so be it. There was no room for other options.
The look of realization was staining Adam’s face and she nearly took it all back at the hurt she saw stamped there. Luna wanted to curl up in a ball and weep, her body felt empty and her heart did too. She seemed to only have room in her for worry and fear at the moment.
He didn’t speak, just clenched his jaw and waited. Putting the full weight of the moment on her.
“This was a mistake though. To bring you into this mess,” she stammered. “And I think that maybe…it would be the best thing for everyone, even you,” she rushed on. “If…” Luna sighed. It was the loneliest sound she’d ever heard come out of her mouth.
“If what? If what, Luna?”
“If you went home.” She had to blink in rapid succession to keep the tears from falling.
She had to push the heels of her hands to her eyes to keep from crying. Bright white Rorschach stains bloomed in the blackened vision behind her closed lids. And all the while she could feel Ben watching them from down the hall. His gaze as palpable as her slamming heartbeat.
“So you can see me when you get back there?” he asked. There was venom in his voice.
“I…don’t know.” She dared to look up at him and her heart broke. She wanted to reach out and touch his face, tell him she was sorry and say yes. Yes, she’d see him when they got home and yes, they’d figure it out. Because the moment she’d seen how crushed he was over her betrayal, was the moment she realized what she had inside of her heart for this man.
So much more than casual sex. So much more than fuck buddy. So much…more.
“Right. Got it. Well, I hope your kid’s okay, Luna,” he said. And then he twisted the dagger. “I sure will miss you.”
Luna had to turn her face to the wall when he walked down the hall. Before she did, she saw him shake her dad’s hand. Saw him hug her mother. Saw the concern on their faces as he said his goodbyes. How quickly they had taken to him. That was the irony of it. She was pushing him away for the sake of her family, but part of her family seemed to have embraced him more quickly than she ever could have anticipated.
She watched Nick from the door and when he opened his eyes again she smiled. No one was here to confuse him. No one who did not belong was watching by his bed. It was fine. She’d be fine. She didn’t need that right now, right now all that mattered was her son and getting him better.
Her mother leaned in the doorway next to her and rubbed her back. Luna leaned into the touch and smiled. But then her mother asked gently, “Luna, honey, what have you done? Why did you send that boy home? Any fool could see his feelings for you written big and bold all over that handsome face.”
And that was when her final reserve of strength evaporated.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“So let’s talk, Mamma.” Nick sat at the breakfast bar while Luna picked at an egg sandwich and sipped tea.
“Yes, son. What can I help you with?” But when she said it, the hair on the back of her neck stood up. He was here to act like an adult. To talk to her seriously. She could feel it.
“Before dad comes to get me for our super fan-freaking-tastic weekend of guy stuff, let’s talk. I’m slotted for the putting range, the sports restaurant, and the movies while he tries to confirm that I am a) okay and b) not suicidal, so I want to get this out of the way.” He looked good. Healthy. He’d picked up the weight he’d lost from being in the hospital.
His tics were under control with the meds, and he’d adjusted to the dose well. But most importantly, he felt good and in control. More important than how he appeared was how he felt.
“Shoot,” she said.
“It is time to stop focusing 110% of your energy on me.” Luna opened her mouth and Nick clamped his hand over her face. A giggle burst out of her as he grinned and said, “Unh-unh-unh, mother, I am talking.” Because her mouth was covered she nodded.
“I asked you before who that guy at the hospital was and you blew me off. And I was tired and recovering from a massive wave of stupidity. So I let it go.” He took his hand away.
“Oh you let it go?” She snorted.
>
“Yes, I am very benevolent that way.”
She grinned. “Go on, oh great one.”
“Who was he?”
“A friend.” Her chest crimped up whenever she thought of Adam, let alone dared speak of him. Savannah had been driving her crazy. Yammering about how it was awkward at work because they did not talk. Luna explained she could never let Adam go because of her mistake, but they were through as anything more than employer and employee.
It had been a stressful few weeks of Nick at home recovering and getting counseling, and Adam avoiding her like the bubonic plague at work. And all through it, she felt inept on every level. And tired.
“A let me borrow your can opener friend, or a here is a lovely lace nightie friend?”
“Nicholas!” she gasped.
“Okay.” He laughed, and it did her heart good to hear that noise come out of him. “Let’s say, is he an I’ll give you a ride to the bus stop friend, or a let’s go to dinner friend?”
“Dinner,” she sighed.
“You looked happy,” he said softly. He stole a bite of her egg sandwich while she absorbed that.
“When?”
“In the doorway at the hospital.”
“I was beside myself!”
“No, he was beside you and you looked….happy. You know, under all the stress and worry caused by yours truly. You haven’t looked that way a long time.”
“I thought you were angry. Wondering who he was. Why I’d brought him,” she whispered.
“I was wondering, ‘who is that man who has my mom looking so goofy happy’. The rest, Ma, is a product of your guilty imagination.”
“Why do I feel guilty?” she asked, putting her head down.
“Because, like most parents, you think your job is to make everything perfect for me.
Perfect life, perfect family, perfect parents. But take it from the kid who has had to accept he’s not always in control of his own body…life is so not perfect. It can be a shit.”
Angry Sex Page 18
