by Bonnie Pega
Seven
* * *
Caitlin’s upcoming date with Max occupied her thoughts most of the week. Every day when she awoke, she lay in bed, staring at the dust motes dancing in the early morning sunlight and asked herself if she was crazy. After all, she didn’t date.
She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t really a date—it was simply a business dinner. However, she knew in her heart that the only business they’d discuss had nothing to do with work and everything to do with the way their bodies felt when they were together.
Friday morning she woke up earlier than usual and mentally ran through a dozen excuses for calling Max and canceling their date.
“Gee, I’m sorry, Max, but I have a mountain of purchase orders.” No, that wouldn’t work. Max knew exactly what the status of her paperwork was. “I have an awful headache and …” He wouldn’t buy that either. Too trite. “I simply have to wash my hair.” Ha! “I forgot that I promised Jordie I’d take him camping this weekend.” Better not. She wouldn’t put it past Max to invite himself along.
She was still mulling over various excuses as she dropped Jordan at school and drove to work. She even practiced a few of them out loud as she struggled with that stubborn greenhouse door she’d been meaning to get repaired.
She forgot all about her date, however, when she opened the door and Charlemagne greeted her. Meowing raucously, he wrapped himself around her ankles. When she bent down to pet him, he leapt into her arms and clung, his claws hooking firmly through the cotton of her shirtsleeve and into her flesh.
“Ouch!” She pried his claws loose, then laid a soothing hand on his head. “What’s the matter, baby? What’s got you spooked?” Curious, she looked around but noticed nothing amiss.
Still holding on to Charlemagne, Caitlin walked to the back of the greenhouse. Everything there was secure, even to the loading gate door. She frowned and set the cat down, giving him a quick pat on the head. Charlemagne was usually so sedate, he bordered on being lazy. He was not a nervous or neurotic cat, she thought, although there was always a first time. Anyway, she couldn’t quite shake a feeling of unease, especially when she headed toward the office and the cat followed right behind her, as if he were afraid to be alone.
That feeling was right on target, Caitlin realized when she unlocked and opened the door. The first thing she saw was the papers spread all over the desk and floor. Her heart began a quick thudding, and her breath caught when she saw the jagged-edged piece of glass that clung tenaciously to the bottom right corner of the window. The rest of the glass lay in long, glittering shards on the floor. A muddy footprint in the middle of the small table beneath the window was stark, mute testimony to what had happened.
Caitlin looked around for the metal petty cash box; she knew she had forgotten to lock it up last night. She wondered how much money had been in there—she hadn’t counted it in the past two or three days. Probably fifty or a hundred. She saw the cash box lying upside down on the floor next to the safe and wasn’t surprised to find it empty. She also noticed the calculator missing.
The next few hours passed in a blur. Caitlin filed a report with the police, explained the situation to Martha and K.C., and took care of her daily greenhouse chores. In the afternoon she filed another report with the detective assigned to the case and sorted through her files to see if any were gone. Through it all, she remained calm and professional.
It was nearly five-thirty before she put the last file back in the drawer. K.C. and Martha picked up their paychecks and left for the day. Caitlin ruffled through a stack of papers on her desk, more to have something to do than anything else. She found herself thinking of how composed and collected she felt. When Donna called a few minutes later, Caitlin was proud of how she described everything in very matter-of-fact terms.
“Are you okay?” Donna asked in concern.
“Oh, I’m just fine,” Caitlin replied airily. “Nothing to worry about.” Her gaze fell to her hand as it set a sheet of paper back on the desk. Her hand trembled, she realized with some surprise. She took a deep breath and flexed her fingers but couldn’t seem to stop the tremors. She stared for endless moments, then the hot pressure of tears behind her eyes caused her to blink.
“Caitlin?” Donna sounded worried by Caitlin’s silence. “Are you okay?” she asked again.
“No,” Caitlin choked out as her whole body began to shake. “No, I’m not. I’m scared, Donna.”
“I’ll be right there,” Donna told her immediately, and hung up the phone.
When she appeared ten minutes later, Caitlin was sitting in a chair in a corner, her feet drawn up beneath her. She cuddled Charlemagne, needing contact with another living creature.
Donna sat on the desk, facing the chair. “Hi” was all she said.
Caitlin looked up and tried to smile, but her lips quivered and her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Donna, I’m so glad you came. I feel like I’m falling apart.”
“Because of the break-in?”
Caitlin nodded. “I know it’s silly. It’s not the first time businesses in this end of town have been broken into, but I feel so—I feel—violated. I haven’t felt like this since—well, you know.”
“I know,” Donna said gently. “Why don’t you call Dr. Atlee?”
“She’d just think I was being foolish. I mean, it’s just a break-in. They couldn’t have gotten more than a hundred dollars or so. But somehow I keep remembering about—I keep remembering. I can’t help it.”
“I don’t believe Dr. Atlee would think you foolish at all,” Donna said, reaching over and laying a reassuring hand on Caitlin’s arm. “This is bound to bring up unpleasant memories. I’m sure Dr. Atlee would think it’s completely normal, given the circumstances.”
Caitlin sniffed. “Do you really think so?”
“I do. Here.” Donna stood and handed Caitlin a tissue. “Why don’t we go back to my house? We’ll pick up Jordie at the sitter’s and he can play with Patrick while you call Dr. Atlee. Okay?” She draped an arm around Caitlin’s shoulders as they left.
Caitlin hung up the phone and reached over to take her glass of tea from the coffee table. She took a long swallow and set it back down before looking over at Donna.
“Well?”
Caitlin managed a little smile. “She said that my feelings were to be expected under the circumstances. That a robbery is an invasion of privacy, and that it’s completely normal to think about what happened before.”
“So do you feel better now?”
Caitlin sighed and brought her hands up to massage her temples. “I don’t know. A little, maybe.”
“Why don’t you stay here for the night? Jordie and Patrick would both love it, you know, and I don’t think you ought to be home alone tonight.”
Caitlin was silent for a moment. “Thanks, Donna. Maybe I will,” she said slowly. “I don’t want to be alone right now either. I guess I ought to go home and pick up some clothes for both Jordan and me though. Are you sure it won’t be any trouble?” she asked, although she knew Donna would have made room for her and Jordan even if it meant pitching a tent in the backyard.
“No trouble at all.” Donna smiled. “You can be the guinea pig that checks out the new mattress in the guest room. Rick picked one up at some warehouse sale. Heaven knows, it could be as lumpy as Grandma’s gravy.”
“Jordie?” Caitlin called up the stairs.
Jordan came bounding down. “Can’t I stay longer, Mom? While you’re out with Max and all?”
“Oh, good heavens!” Caitlin exclaimed in consternation. “I forgot.” She dug through her purse and found her address book, then looked up Max’s number and dialed, ignoring Donna’s sudden look of interest.
“No answer,” she muttered, hanging up the telephone. He’d probably gotten disgusted with waiting for her and taken someone else out. Surely he had dozens of women ready to jump at a date with him. Caitlin ignored the pang that thought caused.
Only after Donna walked Cait
lin out to her van did she remark, “So you had a date with Max tonight, hmm?”
Caitlin sighed and shifted uncomfortably in the seat. “Not really a date. Just dinner.”
“A dinner alone with a man is a date in my book.”
“All right. Yes, I had a date,” Caitlin admitted.
“Gee, I thought you didn’t date.”
“I don’t. At least not anymore,” Caitlin said flatly as she started her vehicle. When Donna gave a cheery wave, Caitlin stuck her head out the window and added, “I’ll be back in a little while.”
When Caitlin pulled up into her driveway, she stifled a twinge of disappointment that Max wasn’t waiting for her. Not that she had expected him to, she assured herself, and not that she wanted him to. It would be far better for Max to get involved with someone who was ready for whatever kind of relationship he had in mind.
And tonight Caitlin had had to admit to herself that it would be a long time, if ever, before she forgot the helplessness, the fear. She suddenly realized how much she had nurtured the hope that somehow Max might be a part of her future. But there would be no future unless she dealt with a past that she couldn’t bear to face. She refused to burden Max with her problems, so until she could deal with them herself, she wouldn’t see Max.
She didn’t know how she would ever get used to not seeing him though. She’d known him only a few weeks, but he had insinuated himself into her life so thoroughly that there was nowhere she could go, little she could do that wouldn’t make her think of him. Her heart contracted painfully at the thought of the empty days ahead.
With her mind so full of thoughts, she almost didn’t see him when she opened the front door. She’d walked halfway across the living room before doing an about-face and looking over at the sofa.
Max sat there in the dark, his face illuminated by the streetlight that shone through the window, his feet propped up on the coffee table. “Finally decided to come home?” he asked casually.
“What are you doing in my house? How did you get in?”
Max shrugged. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. So, where were you?”
“I didn’t see your car outside.”
Max said evenly, “I waited here an hour for you. When you didn’t show up, I went by the greenhouse. My car had an argument with the big pothole next to the loading platform. I had it towed and took a cab back. Where were you?”
“I did call you and didn’t get an answer,” Caitlin said defensively.
“That’s nice. Where were you?” he repeated.
Caitlin took a deep breath and walked over to stand next to the window. “I was at Donna’s.”
“Donna’s.” Max nodded. “I see. Why?”
Caitlin fidgeted with the edge of the ruffled curtain. “I’m really sorry you were inconvenienced.”
“Why were you at Donna’s?” Max’s voice was still calm, but it held an underlying current that told Caitlin he was losing patience.
“Jordan is still at Donna’s. I came only to pick up a change of clothes for tomorrow. He’s spending the night there. I am too.” Nervously, she dropped the curtain and turned toward the stairs.
She hadn’t taken two steps when Max shot up off the sofa and stood directly in front of her. “Why were you at Donna’s, Caitlin? Were you trying to avoid me?” His voice started out sharp, then gentled. “It was only a dinner date, Cait. I wouldn’t have pushed you for anything else.”
To Caitlin’s horror, her eyes filled with tears and she quickly averted her head, but not before Max saw.
“What happened, Caitie?”
Her knees weak from the sudden welling of emotion, Caitlin sank wearily down onto the sofa. “Someone broke into the greenhouse.”
“Good Lord!” Max sat down beside her and reached over, taking her hand between both of his. “Were you there when it happened? Did they take anything?”
She shook her head, blinking more tears away. “No, I wasn’t there. It happened last night, and I think they got about a hundred dollars or so. They took my calculator. It was an old calculator, so it couldn’t have been worth much. It’s just that …” Aware she was rambling, Caitlin stopped and stared down at the floor for a long while, then finally added in a strangled whisper, “All I could think of was how I felt violated all over again.”
Max closed his eyes against the pain that stabbed him at those words, then pulled her into his arms. “Nothing, and no one, will ever hurt you again, Caitie”, he said. He repeated the statement over and over. It was his litany, his prayer, his promise.
Caitlin forgot her resolve to stay out of Max’s life. Being in his arms felt so safe, so warm, so secure, and she reveled in those feelings. She savored every second he held her, storing memories for the long, lonely days ahead. She relished the clean, fresh scent of him, the beating of his heart beneath her cheek, the warmth of his body, the firm but yielding ridges of muscle, the way his arms cradled but didn’t confine. His embrace was a warm, living haven.
It took her a nearly superhuman effort to gently disengage herself. She’d never be able to say what she had to say if he kept touching her. “I’m glad you’re here, Max,” she began, looking down at her hands, which she had folded together in her lap. “We need to talk.”
“So let’s talk.” Max brushed a strand of hair from her cheek.
She ducked her head away and cleared her throat. The words wouldn’t come, so she took a deep breath and shifted away from him, somehow forcing out the words. “I can’t see you anymore.”
Whatever Max had been expecting Caitlin to say, it wasn’t that. “What?”
“I said, I can’t see you anymore,” Caitlin repeated, stronger this time.
“What in God’s name are you talking about?” Max suddenly felt as if he were adrift in the middle of an ocean with no compass or idea of where he was headed.
“Max, I honestly thought I was ready for—for, well, ready to—” She floundered to a stop, not sure how to proceed.
Max reached over and took hold of one of her hands. “Talk to me, Caitie. Tell me,” he said firmly. “I think you owe me that much.”
She did owe him that, she thought. Owed him the truth about what had happened so many years before and how it had scarred her. She shut her eyes briefly against the pain, then opened her mouth, intending to tell him, but couldn’t make the words come out. She took a deep breath, swallowed, and tried again—and failed once more.
She began to get angry. She shouldn’t have to say anything if she didn’t want to. Max had no right to insist, especially since he’d be out of her life in another week or two. He’d soon tire of dealing with her and move on to easier game. She stiffened her back. “My reasons aren’t important. But the fact remains that I think it would be best for us not to see each other anymore.”
“Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?” Max was confused. Now he didn’t even know which ocean he was in.
“I don’t owe you anything. My reasons have nothing to do with you,” Caitlin replied stiffly.
“Anything to do with you has everything to do with me.” Max’s voice was low but intense.
Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? Why did he keep pushing? Caitlin gritted her teeth. “Let it be, Max. Just let it be.”
“Caitlin, I only want to—”
“I know what you want to do. You want to meddle in my life.” The desperate urge to make him leave before he got too close to the truth made her words sharper than she intended.
Max was stunned. The ocean had turned into a raging hurricane. “I’m only concerned, Caitlin,” he said carefully. “I know we can’t have a relationship until—”
“That’s right! We can’t have a relationship!” Caitlin broke in and jumped to her feet. Please leave, she begged silently. Her control was so fragile, so tenuous, she was afraid it would shatter at any moment. And she was afraid that once that happened, she’d never be able to put the pieces back together. She turned her back to him. “Max, please just go.”
Max stood, his fists clenched at his sides, but with an effort he managed to keep his voice gentle. “I want only to help, Caitlin.”
“I don’t want your help! I don’t need it! I just want you to go now!”
Max laid a hand on her shoulder, but she stepped away. He sighed in frustration and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I can see I need to give you a little time,” he said. “I’ll call you tomorrow, then.”
“Please don’t. There’s no reason.”
“There’s every reason.”
Caitlin’s dark ghost reared its head then, and she felt a trembling begin deep inside. She had to get Max out of there before she exposed all her emotional bruises. Holding her fear at bay with every ounce of strength she had, she faced him. “What’s the matter, Max? Why can’t you believe that I simply don’t want to see you anymore? I’m sure you’re not used to being turned down by women, but maybe I’m one who just doesn’t happen to find you irresistible. It’s possible, you know.” Her voice wasn’t shaking, thank God.
“Maybe,” he said, “but I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you for a minute.”
“Well, you’ll just have to, won’t you?” Caitlin could feel her already flimsy control beginning to fray, so she walked to the door and opened it. “Good night, Max.”
He walked to her, fixing her with a sharp, burning gaze. “This isn’t over, Caitlin. Not by a long shot.”
“It is over, Max. Good night.”
Without another word Max strode through the door and slammed it shut behind him, the sound reverberating in the air. The tremors overcame her and she sank down on the sofa, her legs no longer able to support her. Wrapping her arms around herself, she sat for a long time. Finally, she buried her face in her hands and wept.
Eight
* * *
“What do you mean, you’re out of angelica?… Do you know anybody else who has it? Martin’s is a good customer of mine and I don’t want to let them down. I already cut their order of Siberian ginseng.… Well, I guess I’ll just have to check over at Organifarms.… Thanks.”
