It was like I was watching a fucking nightmare play out before me. However, as he turned to continue his tirade on me, I threw a punch smack in his face, sending him to the ground.
“You evil piece of shit!” I balked, not caring who heard me.
Denver just laughed though, the way a person would laugh when they were wasted.
“Didn’t you hear, misery loves company?” He wiped the blood that trickled down his nose and looked ahead. “Going to allow your so-called girl to leave like that?”
I followed his gaze and saw Vanessa rushing away.
My legs took off before my brain could process anything more, and I followed her. I caught up with her just as she went through the door.
I caught her arm and pulled her back to me. Tears ran down her cheeks, and the pain in her eyes killed me.
“Vanessa, please,” I begged.
“A bet, Cole?” More tears came. “A bet? That was the night I first gave myself to you, and it was a bet. You won.”
“I didn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s business, so I said nothing. Vanessa, it never took a stupid bet for me to be with you.” There was so much at work here. The bet and all that Denver highlighted about me.
He spoke everything I feared. All of it, and the fucking thing about it was he wasn’t lying either. When he spoke to my girl, he wasn’t lying about anything.
“It’s just the kind of horrible thing you would do. You’re the same. Someone like you can’t change, and you always have this power to hurt me so deeply.”
She pulled out of my grasp. “Vanessa, you have to listen to me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Cole.” She shook her head.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her I loved her. I just didn’t think it would do anything. The hurt in her eyes was too much to bear.
It was that glass half full scenario. I could say it and save us or do nothing and let her go.
And… what would saying it achieve?
Wasn’t I just like my father?
If so, then she could do better than me. She deserved better than me. Denver couldn’t have been more right. The Internet was there with every possible article there was on me. Showing the world who I was.
Just like my father.
Darkness filled my heart as she turned to leave, and I watched her go.
Chapter 21
Vanessa
I lost myself in my work for the next two days and appreciated that Cole allowed me my space.
At the same time, I hated it too.
I had all these people around me. My sisters and Gage. All trying to make me feel better. But not him.
I stayed at work late both days looking over the magazine a hundred times. Today was the deadline for submitting it to the publisher. It had been ready days ago, but I’d just wanted one last run-through of all the articles I’d done. There were twelve main ones, and I thought the guys from both teams deserved something extra because they’d all worked so hard this season. Cole included.
Every time I got to my little write-up about him, the tears would come. Of course, there was Denver too to remind me of all that had happened.
Reminding me that what I hit two nights ago was the big everlasting wall of reality.
Truth.
When you pick up a snake, you know what it is. There is no doubt as to what it is and what it can do.
You can hope that it won’t hurt you, but that is on you. If the snake bites you or if you decide to be a fool and pretend it isn’t a snake and someone suddenly tells you what it is, the mistake will all be yours.
It would be mine.
It was mine.
Denver didn’t say anything I didn’t know. He just highlighted it and brought my fears to light. Everything I feared. It was almost comical because the man spoke it all. Like the voice of the bad angel.
Cole wasn’t serious about me, he’d never be serious about me, he’d never love me, he’d never change for me.
The worst thing Denver had asked me, however, was if I couldn’t do better.
I almost said there was no better than what you wanted, but that stupid bet loomed in my mind. It hurt me that Cole would do something like that. It hurt me deeply that the night in question was the night I’d first trusted him with my body.
But it wasn’t just that. It was all of it.
I looked out the floor-to-ceiling window and gazed ahead at the shadows of the oncoming evening. I needed to go home. Get home and maybe sleep. I was tired and drained, and the hollow inside me kept getting bigger.
I didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better.
Not seeing Cole for the last two days was awful, but maybe he was trying to tell me something. After all, he wasn’t my boyfriend, so we could in theory just part, and that would be it.
I returned my gaze to the screen of my computer and emailed over the finals for the magazine.
There. Done. At least that was one area of my life that was going well. Mom was proud of all I’d done, and I was happy with the work too. Better to focus on that. Tomorrow when I came in, I’d put plans in motion for the next issue.
I packed up and left the office. I made it out to the parking lot and saw Cole’s truck pulling in.
He saw me and stopped where he was.
As he got out of the truck, two very distinct emotions flew through me.
The first was to run into his arms and stay there forever. The next came when I saw the saddened look on his face. In his eyes. What swept over me was the foreboding trepidation of hearing bad news.
“Hi.” He spoke first.
“Hi,” I replied, tightening my grip on my bag.
“I came to see how you were.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. How was I indeed? Crazy for him and mad at him. Mad at myself and in love all at the same time.
“I’ve seen better days,” I confessed.
“Yeah, me too. Look, Vanessa…” he began, and his voice trailed off. I could have made some remark about the way he’d said ‘look’ like the time when I had, but I wasn’t in the mood. “The bet was stupid, and I never meant to hurt you. Mostly, I never even remembered it. I just wanted to be with you. The other night though, I realized there’s more about us, and it wasn’t just the bet I needed to apologize for. The bet was nothing. It meant nothing to me. When I first got back to Orange County, you were the first thing that came to my mind. Nothing would have stopped me from being with you. I think that’s the part I need to apologize for.”
My hands started to shake, and I swallowed hard. “You’re apologizing for being with me?” I couldn’t believe it.
He nodded. “Yes. That’s what I’m apologizing for. Denver might be an asshole, but he was right. You can do better. We both know that. I can’t give you what you need. I can’t give you… what you deserve.”
A tear ran down my cheek. “Cole…” Although I said his name, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.
His eyes looked glassy too as he reached out and touched the edge of my jaw.
“Muse,” he breathed.
I swore I saw a tear run down his cheek too, but he moved away from me, jumped in his truck, and drove away.
The emptiness that filled me as I watched him go was quite unlike anything I could describe.
It was a mixture of emptiness and numbness as I tried to process what had just happened. The anger left me, replaced now with the heaviness of loss because I loved him and that never stopped.
The next few days that followed were awful.
I had the support again, but now that I knew Cole and I were no more, the tears that took me came like a never-ending river of despair.
I cried so much it made me sick and I couldn’t eat or sleep. I guess I experienced true depression the week after, when I started to eat and couldn’t keep anything down.
“Vanessa, please drink the soup,” Mia said, holding the bowl of chicken soup out to me.
I cringed and buried my face in
Gage’s chest.
“Even I have to agree that smells like shit,” Gage said, flicking his wrist to fend her off.
It actually smelled like something died.
“It’s onion and chicken soup. Grandma used to make it all the time when we were sick.”
“It didn’t smell like that,” I answered, resting my head on Gage’s arm. Grandma had made the best soup in the world. When she was alive, there was no ailment she couldn’t cure.
Mia’s soup smelled like one taste would kill.
“Have cookies,” Abby said brightly, emerging from the kitchen with a batch of chocolate cookies.
She came into the living room with her dazzling smile and beamed at me, holding out the tray for me to take.
I took one, grateful for the chocolate. I must have eaten it too fast because God, did I ever feel sick. Bile rose in my throat as soon as the cookie went down, and I had to leap off the sofa before I hurled.
I ran to the toilet and made it just in time before I started throwing up.
Jesus, why did my stupid body choose to be sick now? As if things weren’t already bad enough.
I splashed some water on my face and looked in the mirror at my haggard reflection. I looked terrible. Just terrible.
If this was how I was going to be, how was I supposed to get over Cole?
He’d told me straight up he couldn’t give me what I needed, but what I needed was him.
It said everything and told me Denver was more than right.
I just wished I could stop loving him.
I went back out to everyone, and Gage stood up.
“I’m gonna get you some pecan pie and ice cream,” he stated with a smile.
“Or maybe she should see a doctor,” Mia added.
I hated when they got like this. It was the joys of being the youngest. It was nice to have them around, but the fussing over me got too much sometimes.
“Guys, I’m fine. I just need to sleep.”
“But we’re the cheer-up crew. We bring ice cream during breakups and other things.” Mia nodded.
“I’m fine. I’m okay. Just a stomach bug. I’ll be right as rain come next week.” It was a big lie.
Abby stepped forward and took my hands into hers. “Vanessa, are you… sure it’s a stomach bug? I mean, this has been going on for a few days now. I personally feel you should see a doctor. Just so we can make sure it’s not something else.” She nodded.
“Something like what, Abby?” I was in no mood for foolishness. When I was little, she and Gilly made me believe I had the plague and I was going to die like the people in the Dark Ages. I went around for a week believing it. I was eight, and it was a time I’d never forget because I’d really believed them. The little spot I’d had on my neck they’d told me was a sure sign of the plague turned out to be an insect bite I couldn’t remember getting.
“Well, um…” She glanced back at Mia and Gage. Both looked worried. Especially Gage. She looked back to me and gave me a little smile. “It could be nothing, but it could also be something, and the something I’m thinking is that maybe, just possibly, you could be potentially …pregnant.”
I almost jumped out of my skin. She let go of my hands and blinked several times.
“Now’s not the time to freak the shit out of me, Abby.”
“I said potentially.”
Mia came over. “She’s right though,” she said.
“I’m fine. I have an injection,” I informed them and marched over to my purse to get the little card that would show them I was completely protected and wouldn’t be as dumb as they thought to have unprotected sex with Cole.
I took out the card, and when I read the date, my heart almost stopped beating in my chest.
It said November 30, 2018. But it was now January 2019.
I stared long and hard, willing my thoughts to calm down and not race.
I wasn’t pregnant. No way.
Couldn’t be…
Only a few months ago, I was a virgin. I was the one who …
I just…couldn’t be pregnant. Not me. I wasn’t even in a relationship.
I looked at all of them. Mia, Abby… Gage. I could tell they were all thinking the same thing. They’d thought it before I picked up the card and saw my reaction.
My eyes lingered on Gage.
He’d tried to warn me, tried to tell me guys like Cole just wanted to have fun.
He’d tried to tell me; he’d even said he would have preferred to see me with someone better. Someone with more integrity.
I always listened to Gage. I’d always listened to him. Why didn’t I listen when it mattered the most?
My gaze returned to the little card, and I willed myself to remember my last period. On the injection, it was always irregular or didn’t come at all, or was so light it was barely there.
I couldn’t remember, and there was no way I was going to go to the doctor and put myself through the torture of waiting to hear if I was pregnant or not.
I needed to know tonight. Right now.
I grabbed my coat from the nightstand.
“Where are you going?” Abby winced.
“Drug store,” I answered, barely able to talk.
“One of us can go,” Mia offered.
“No, I can’t sit around and wait. I have to go,” I snapped.
Gage came up to me and took my hand. “Come, let’s go together. We’ll go together, and we’ll come back here and check. Yes?”
I nodded, and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze. He’d always said I was more of a sister to him than a cousin. Tonight, I felt that too. He felt more like my big brother who was looking out for me, there to support me.
We left, and the girls were still here when we got back with the pregnancy test that would give me an answer tonight.
I wouldn’t have normally been so open with something so private, but I was too weak to do something like this by myself.
Gage was right there with me when I checked the Clear Blue stick and the positive plus sign came up a yes for pregnant.
Gage was right there with me too when I broke down.
I was pregnant.
Me.
And Cole didn’t love me.
Chapter 22
Cole
“Is there anything else I can get for you?” Mom asked.
She walked into the hall and set down a glass of water on the table next to my paint tubes.
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”
I wasn’t in the habit of lying to her, and I hated even the small ones.
She knew what had happened. I’d told her, just like I did with everything else. She did the supportive mom thing by coming to see me as often as she could but also giving me my space.
While it had only been a week since I’d last seen Vanessa, it felt like forever, and the day when I last saw her too didn’t quite feel real.
It couldn’t have been me who was telling her that I couldn’t give her what she needed.
“I’m gonna run to the store and grab you some vegetables. You need a hearty soup.” Mom nodded. “Something to give you strength.”
Because I hadn’t eaten much in days. She’d come by two days ago and stayed. I’d confined myself to the hall, painting, and I wished I could say that what I painted was up to scratch with what I normally did.
Before me was a host of nightmarish creatures and distorted fairies. It actually looked like I’d walked into the mouth of hell.
“I’m okay, Mom.”
“But you aren’t, and seriously, boy, if you were a few years younger, I’d march you over to Vanessa Cartwright’s house and make you fix this.” She looked annoyed, as annoyed as she had when I’d first told her what had happened.
“I have fixed it, Mom,” I told her. “I have.”
“What you did isn’t fixing anything. Cole, please think about it.”
“I have. I have, and now I have to just forget. I have to try. Mom… do you love me?”
She gave me an in
credulous stare. “Yes, of course I do.”
“You want me to have the best, right? You’d want me to have the best. I know you would, and if you couldn’t give it to me, you wouldn’t force it. I’ve done too much. There’s just too much, and I wouldn’t want her to be with me, then I do something to hurt her. Then she’d hate me. She’d hate me. So, this is better.” I nodded.
Her shoulders slumped in defeat. She gave my shoulder a squeeze and then walked out, leaving me.
She had no answer for me because we’d had this conversation several times before. Her with her positive outlook on life and me with the reality.
The reality of the situation was that Vanessa could and should do better.
I loved her, and if my love was true then I should want the best for her.
It was as simple as that.
It was true too that no amount of love I felt for her was enough.
I continued to paint my nightmare world.
An hour later, when I was nearly done, the doorbell rang.
I opened the door and was definitely shocked to see Gage Cartwright standing on the porch staring me down.
I thought he would be glad Vanessa and I weren’t together anymore. But since I know I’d hurt her, I was guessing he was here to beat the crap out of me. He was just a little over a week late.
“Come to get me? Mess me up? Go ahead, take a hit. Knock my damn teeth down my fucking throat,” I said to him, stepping closer so he could take his hit.
The truth of the matter was, I no longer cared.
Instead of hitting me like I thought he would, he stepped past me and walked inside the house.
Not Before Game Night (Bad Boy Bachelors of Orange County Book 4) Page 16
