“I’ll think about it…”
“Come on, Dad, most kids my age wouldn’t even ask.”
“Yeah, well, you’re not most kids. Me and Joss, we need more details. Get them, and we’ll talk about it.”
He comes back into the bedroom, and he looks at me. Right at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more determined expression on his face.
“They’re going to that party at the weekend. And we’re going back to Hönö Klåva.”
“Alex…”
He comes over to me, his eyes never leaving mine. “I know who we are, Joss. I know what we are, and it doesn’t matter.”
“It should.”
“I don’t care.” He slides a hand onto my neck, rests it there lightly, and his eyes are still staring into mine. “Do you ever think about it, Joss? Have you ever, thought about it? You, and me?”
I hadn’t. Before Hönö Klåva. Before Sam slept with my friend and turned my life upside down, I hadn’t thought about Alex as anything other than this amazing, incredible man who’s been by my side since the beginning. There isn’t a second of my life when he wasn’t in it, and I’d never thought of him as anything other than my best friend…?
“Next weekend, Savvi and Danny are going to that party.” He lets go of me, steps away, slides his hands into his pockets as he backs off onto the landing. “And you and me? We’re running away.”
90
Connor
She seems a little distracted tonight. But then, I suppose we’ve both got a lot on our minds. A lot we aren’t telling each other.
“I’m sorry, Connor. I’m not really very good company, am I?”
I smile at her, because just having her here, sitting on my couch, that’s enough. It’s nice, just having her here. “It’s been a strange few days, Joss. For all of us.”
She looks at me, and she frowns. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that last bit.
“For you?” she questions, and I glance down into my glass of wine. “It’s been a strange few days for you, too?”
“In a way.” I look back up at her, and I smile. “Is everything okay? Are you okay?” And then I realise what a ridiculous question that is, and I throw back my head and sigh. “I’m sorry, Joss.”
“Maybe this was a bad idea. I mean, you’ve obviously got something going on, and my head’s still all over the place…” She puts down her drink and stands up, she heads towards the door and I’m wondering why I’m not going after her. Why aren’t I going after her? It takes just a second for me to rectify that, I’m up out of my chair and I reach for her arm, grabbing hold of her wrist and spinning her around; pulling her closer. I’m kissing her, before she has a chance to protest. I’m holding her, before she has a chance to escape. And her arms slide around my neck, she kisses me back. She presses her body against mine and I lose myself in her all over again.
But then, she stops. She lets go of me and she pulls away. She steps back. And I feel everything from frustration to fear, anger to confusion, all those feelings are jostling for position inside my messed-up head.
“I don’t think either of us are in the right place for this, Connor. Not yet.”
“You don’t know how I’m feeling, Joss.”
But I want to tell her, I do, I really do but – the feeling that telling people will jinx it all, jinx Bobby’s homecoming in some way, it’s still there. And no matter how irrational it might be, I can’t shake that feeling.
“I should go.”
She turns to leave, and I watch her walk down the hall, towards the door, and I want her to stay. Every inch of me is aching for her, but my head is winning over my heart. It’s overtaking my cock, because that wants her to stay, too.
“We could just have sex.” The words are out of my mouth before I’ve even realised I’ve said them out loud, and she turns around. She looks at me. And her mouth twists up into a smile as she comes back over.
“We could.” She runs her fingertips over my cheek and my cock hardens as she touches my mouth; leans in to kiss it, forcing my lips apart with hers. “But I don’t think that’s a good idea anymore. Do you?”
I snake an arm around her waist, I pull her closer to me, I don’t want her to go. And that kiss – I don’t think she wants to go either.
“No, Connor… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. This is wrong…”
“Joss, wait…”
“I’m not ready, for what this could turn into. And I know – I know that it’s not anything, not really, it’s just sex, but… I’m not ready. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be messing you around like this.”
“Hey. Hey, come on, look at me.”
She raises her gaze and I’m shocked at the sadness in her eyes. She looks tired, worn down, almost.
“I think it’s all finally beginning to sink in. What Sam did to me.”
I watch as her shoulders sag, she seems defeated. Sadder than anyone deserves to be.
“He got her pregnant. My husband had an affair with my friend of twenty-one years, and he got her pregnant.”
“Oh, Jesus, Joss. I didn’t know…”
“Yeah, well, that little snippet hasn’t come out yet, but it will. It has to. He has responsibilities now. The kind of responsibility I couldn’t give him.”
I frown, and she looks at me. “I can’t have kids, Connor. I can’t carry a child, and Sam and me, we wanted a baby so badly but…” She shrugs, like she’s just dismissing that piece of information. “I guess he’s getting his child now.”
I don’t know what to do. What to say. I’m about to bring my son home, her husband’s about to father a child by another woman… I can’t get my head around this and yet, she’s living it.
“I should go.”
“No, Joss, wait…”
“I’m over-sharing again, Connor. And I really didn’t want to do that, so…” She looks at me, and she smiles, and it breaks my fucking heart. “I’m sorry, for dragging you into my messed-up world, I shouldn’t have done that. You didn’t deserve it and I’m – I’m sorry.”
“Joss, please…”
“It was a mistake, we were a mistake. This isn’t fair on you.”
“I knew what I was doing, Joss. I knew what this was. And what you’re going through, I didn’t expect anything…”
She kisses me quickly, and the sense of finality is overwhelming. “I really am sorry, Connor.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
I mean that. I don’t want to hear her apologise, she has no need to. I’m not sorry, that we did what we did. She shouldn’t be either.
“And don’t worry about leaving the school in my care while you’re away. I’m really not some neurotic female who’s about to fall apart.”
“I know that.”
“The school will be fine. You go do whatever it is you have to do. Okay?”
I smile, but I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay, I want her to talk to me. I want her to know I’m her friend, not just some distraction who wants to sleep with her. I do, want to sleep with her, once wasn’t enough. But she’s actually the one speaking sense here. She’s right. I don’t think either of us are in the right place for whatever it is we’re doing.
“I’ll call you, all right?”
She turns around as she reaches the front door, and she throws me the most beautiful smile, it kills me. Because I can’t have her. I want her, and I can’t have her, the timing, it sucks. “To make sure anarchy hasn’t ensued at Millers Bridge?”
I laugh, because I know she has her tongue very firmly in her cheek there.
“You take care, Connor. And whatever it is you’re going down to London to do, I hope it all goes smoothly.”
“Yeah. Yeah, me too… Joss?”
She looks at me, and every inch of me wants to stop her from walking out that door, but I have to let her go. I have to focus on Bobby, I have to put him first. Joss Coburn – Joss Engström, as she now wants to be known, is a beautiful, complicated distraction I can’t af
ford to have right now. So, I have to let her go.
“I’m still your friend, okay?”
She smiles again. “I know.”
I wait until she closes the door behind her before I sink to the floor, drop my head between my knees and breathe.
I came here, to Millers Bridge, for Bobby. To start again. I came here for no other reason than to get my life back on track. To make a new future for me and my son. There’s no room for anyone else, there can’t be, anyone else. There can’t be…
91
Summer
The house is too quiet, without Savvi. And I’m trying to make the most of this peace, this time alone, to write. To meet those deadlines, to finish this new book, but my heart isn’t in it. I’m filled with too much frustration, I’m too unsettled to give my writing the attention it deserves. And I’ll have to tell my agent and my publishers that I’m pregnant, at some point. They’ll need to know. I’ll have to tell them about Sam. They’ll need to limit the damage that could leak out in literary circles concerning my affair with a married man; the husband of my closest friend.
I take a sip of peppermint tea and look out of the window as the rain cascades down the glass. It’s a grey and miserable day outside. One of those days when, under normal circumstances, I’d be holed up in my office, losing myself in a world of fantasy, a world that isn’t mine. But that’s too much of a distraction right now, I don’t want to escape. I need to focus, on sorting out my own real-life world. On making Sam see that he needs to be here, with me. He’s wasting his time trying to win back Joss, he’s lost her.
The phone rings, but I ignore it. I look back outside, and I realise how much I miss Joss. How much I miss having a friend like her, someone so close you know you can always count on them. I’ve destroyed that, I killed that dead because I slept with her husband. That kind of betrayal, you can’t come back from that. And I regret it, sometimes, when I’m alone like this… I’m alone. And that sudden realisation is like a kick to the stomach, I almost double over with the shock. I’m alone. Joss will never speak to me again. Sam doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve lost Alex as a friend, even Savvi doesn’t want to be here. She doesn’t want to be at home, she wants to be with Joss, and I had to let her go or risk losing her forever.
I’m alone. For the first time ever, and suddenly I’m lost. And I’m scared, because I have no-one to turn to. No-one will sympathise with me because of what I’ve done, and I deserve that. It’s all on me, nobody else.
I feel tears start to stream down my cheeks and I drop a hand to my stomach. No. I’m not alone. Not completely. I have my baby. And maybe I have to get used to the fact that it’s just going to be me and this baby from now on.
I close my eyes for a second, I squeeze the last of those tears out and I take a long, deep breath, no. No, I don’t want to be alone. This baby deserves better, this baby deserves a father.
My eyes spring open and I once more stare outside, I look up at the sky as it slowly starts to clear. A brightness is beginning to push its way through the darkness. And I smile.
You’re going to come to me, Sam. Eventually. I know you will. Once Joss is gone for good…
92
Alex
She’s keeping her distance. She’s throwing herself into her work, she’s hiding behind anything she can to ignore what’s happening in her life right now. And I hate that. I hate that she’s shutting me out, she’s never done that before. She’s never kept anything from me, never let a day go by when we haven’t spoken to each other, yet, everything’s changing. She’s changing, and I get that she’s bound to have put up some kind of defence mechanism after what happened but, she’s never kept her distance from me, not like this.
“Hey, Maggie, is Joss in the office?”
She wasn’t in the staff room, so I’m guessing this is where she is. Hiding away. Using work as an excuse not to face me.
“She is. Do you need to see her about something?”
“I do, yes. Is she free?”
“I’ll just check.”
Jesus Christ, I need an excuse to see her now?
“Go on in, Alex.”
Maggie smiles at me and I return it before I head into Connor’s office, closing the door behind me. Joss is sitting behind the desk, marking papers, she doesn’t even look up when I come in.
“Do you want something, Alex?”
“Yeah, I want you to stop acting like some pre-programmed robot and be my friend.”
She slowly looks up, but her eyes – I’ve never seen them so devoid of, well, anything.
“You’re the one who’s changing the rules, Alex.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You just want to be my friend, right?”
“Yes, I want to be your friend… what’s going on here, Joss?”
“You don’t want to suddenly sleep with me?”
There’s nothing sudden about it. I’ve wanted to sleep with her for as long as I can remember, I just never realised how much I needed that to happen until Kelli left me; until Sam fucked up.
She puts down her pen, gets up and walks out front of the desk. “Do you? Want to sleep with me, Alex?”
“You know I do.”
“We grew up together, we were born just months apart. We’re like brother and sister, so, don’t you think it’s a little weird, that you want to sleep with me?”
“You’re the one acting weird, Joss.”
She leans back against the desk, folds her arms across her chest in an almost defensive manner. She’s putting a barrier there between us and that feels like a sharp kick to the gut. It fucking hurts.
“Don’t do this, Joss. Don’t be like this, it isn’t you…”
“How long, Alex? How long have you wanted to sleep with me?”
“I don’t know, probably forever… Joss, please. Stop this, okay?”
She drops her head, and I see her whole body almost slump, like she can’t keep up that pretence any longer.
“Look, I know you don’t want to come across as weak or…”
Her head snaps up, her eyes locking on mine. “I’m not weak. I’m just tired. I’m still confused and hurting, and everything is so fucked-up…”
I go over to her, I reach out and I pull her arms away from her body. I take her hand and she doesn’t fight me. She’s never fought me. I don’t want her to start now. “I know. And it’s probably going to be that way for a while yet, but…”
But, what? It’ll all be okay by Christmas? None of us know when it’ll ever be okay again, so it’s pointless spieling her crap she’ll never believe, especially when I don’t believe it myself.
“If I lose you, Alex, I really do lose everything.”
Her voice is softer now. She’s lost that harsh edge, and her eyes aren’t cold anymore, they’re sad. She’s dropped that barrier, but it’s hard for me to see how much all of this has damaged her.
“You won’t lose me. You’ll never lose me.”
“Sex changes everything, Alex.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“You’re being idealistic, you’re pretending, you think that us sleeping together is going to transport us into some kind of rose-tinted utopia where nothing and nobody can hurt us…”
“No, Joss, that’s not what I think. “
“The timing is all wrong, Alex.”
“I think the timing is perfect.”
She looks at me, stares right into my eyes. “You sound almost happy that my husband slept with my friend. That he gave you this ‘in’ road to my bed…”
I can feel those barriers crashing back up around her again, and I step away. There’s nothing more I can do here, not without making it worse, and I think I’ve already managed to do that.
“I love you, Joss. Okay? I probably love you more than anyone else in this entire, messed-up world, I know you better than anyone. And I know this isn’t you.”
“It’s what I’m becoming.”
“To pro
tect yourself?”
She goes back behind the desk. She doesn’t answer my question.
“Let me protect you, Joss. Like I’ve always done, please, don’t shut me out.”
“I’ve got a lot to do, Alex.”
That’s it. She’s shutting me down, ending this conversation. “I’ll come over tonight…”
“I’d rather you didn’t.” She slowly raises her head, her eyes fixing on mine. “I think I need to spend some time with Savvi.”
I’m tired of this now, this isn’t happening. I’m not going to stand by and watch her do this to herself; to me. I stride over to the desk, lean across it, I’m all up in her space because she needs to know this.
“You’re not doing this to me, Joss, you’re not doing this to us. You’re not shutting me out, you’re not keeping me at arm’s length, I’m not taking that shit…”
She narrows her eyes, but she doesn’t make any attempt to argue back.
“Are you listening to me, Joss?”
“I’m listening… We’re going away at the weekend, remember?”
I pull away, stand back, drag a hand through my hair. And I breathe. “You still want to go?”
“Yes. I still want to go.”
I look at her, and I frown because I’m confused now. I can’t read her, and I’m not used to that.
“I just need some space, Alex. From all of this. Just for a couple of days.”
“You need space, from me?”
She’s never needed space from me. When she wants space she usually comes to me.
“I just think Savvi needs some of my time, that’s all.”
I take a deep breath, exhale slowly. “Okay.”
I look at her, and she smiles at me, and I just want to hold her, like I’ve done so many times before when she’s been upset or scared. I want to protect her.
“I’ll call you.”
She nods, and I return her smile even though I’m confused and frustrated and angry at Sam for doing this to her. For hurting her. She loved him, so much, he was the reason I stood back all these years, the reason why I always kept my own feelings for Joss a secret; why I never acted on them, because she loved him so much. And I only ever wanted her to be happy. She was happy with Sam. But he threw that away, he threw her away and he doesn’t deserve a second chance.
Tainted Love Page 20
