And then (it was rather like the Gun Man dream) a great harsh voice roared at them suddenly.
‘Here,’ it said. ‘What are you a-doing of here?’
It was a man, a big man with a red face, dressed in corduroys. He scowled.
‘This is private here. Trespassers will be prosecuted.’
Nurse said: ‘I’m sorry, I’m sure. I didn’t know.’
‘Well, you get on out of it. Quick, now.’ As they turned to go his voice called after them: ‘I’ll boil you alive. Yes. I will. Boil you alive if you’re not out of the wood in three minutes.’
Celia stumbled forward tugging desperately at Nannie. Why wouldn’t Nannie go faster? The man would come after them. He’d catch them. They’d be boiled alive in a great pot. She felt sick with fright … She stumbled desperately on, her whole quivering little body alive with terror. He was coming – coming up behind them – they’d be boiled … She felt horribly sick. Quick – oh, quick!
They were out on the road again. A great gasping sigh burst from Celia.
‘He – he can’t get us now,’ she murmured.
Nurse looked at her, startled by the dead white of her face.
‘Why, what’s the matter, dear?’ A thought struck her. ‘Surely you weren’t frightened by what he said about boiling – that was only a joke – you knew that.’
And obedient to the spirit of acquiescent falsehood that every child possesses, Celia murmured:
‘Oh, of course, Nannie. I knew it was a joke.’
But it was a long time before she got over the terror of that moment. All her life she never quite forgot it.
The terror had been so horribly real.
6
On her fourth birthday Celia was given a canary. He was given the unoriginal name of Goldie. He soon became very tame and would perch on Celia’s finger. She loved him. He was her bird whom she fed with hemp seeds, but he was also her companion in adventure. There was Dick’s Mistress who was a queen, and the Prince Dicky, her son, and the two of them roamed the world and had adventures. Prince Dicky was very handsome and wore garments of golden velvet with black velvet sleeves.
Later in the year Goldie was given a wife called Daphne. Daphne was a big bird with a lot of brown about her. She was awkward and ungainly. She spilled her water and upset things that she perched on. She never became as tame as Goldie. Celia’s father called her Susan because she ‘flounced’.
Susan used to poke at the birds with a match ‘to see what they would do,’ as she said. The birds were afraid of her and would flutter against the bars when they saw her coming. Susan thought all sorts of curious things funny. She laughed a great deal when a mouse’s tail was found in the mousetrap.
Susan was very fond of Celia. She played games with her such as hiding behind curtains and jumping out to say Bo! Celia was not really very fond of Susan – she was so big and so bouncy. She was much fonder of Mrs Rouncewell, the cook. Rouncy, as Celia called her, was an enormous, monumental woman, and she was the embodiment of calm. She never hurried. She moved about her kitchen in dignified slow motion, going through the ritual of her cooking. She was never harried, never flustered. She served meals always on the exact stroke of the hour. Rouncy had no imagination. When Celia’s mother would ask her: ‘Well, what do you suggest for lunch today?’ she always made the same reply. ‘Well, ma’am, we could have a nice chicken and a ginger pudding.’ Mrs Rouncewell could cook soufflés, vol-au-vents, creams, salmis, every kind of pastry, and the most elaborate French dishes, but she never suggested anything but a chicken and a ginger pudding.
Celia loved going into the kitchen – it was rather like Rouncy herself, very big, very vast, very clean, and very peaceful. In the midst of the cleanliness and space was Rouncy, her jaws moving suggestively. She was always eating. Little bits of this, that, and the other.
She would say:
‘Now, Miss Celia, what do you want?’
And then with a slow smile that stretched right across her wide face she would go across to a cupboard, open a tin, and pour a handful of raisins or currants into Celia’s cupped hands. Sometimes it would be a slice of bread and treacle that she was given, or a corner of jam tart, but there was always something.
And Celia would carry off her prize into the garden and up into the secret place by the garden wall, and there, nestled tightly into the bushes, she would be the Princess in hiding from her enemies to whom her devoted followers had brought provisions in the dead of night …
Upstairs in the nursery Nannie sat sewing. It was nice for Miss Celia to have such a good safe garden to play in – no nasty ponds or dangerous places. Nannie herself was getting old, she liked to sit and sew – and think over things – the little Strettons – all grown-up men and women now – and little Miss Lilian – getting married she was – and Master Roderick and Master Phil – both at Winchester … Her mind ran gently backwards over the years …
7
Something terrible happened. Goldie was lost. He had become so tame that his cage door was left open. He used to flutter about the nursery. He would sit on the top of Nannie’s head and tweak with his beak at her cap and Nannie would say mildly: ‘Now, now, Master Goldie, I can’t have that.’ He would sit on Celia’s shoulder and take a hemp seed from between her lips. He was like a spoilt child. If you did not pay attention to him, he got cross and squawked at you.
And on this terrible day Goldie was lost. The nursery window was open. Goldie must have flown away.
Celia cried and cried. Both Nannie and her mother tried to console her.
‘He’ll come back, perhaps, my pet.’
‘He’s just gone to fly round. We’ll put his cage outside the window.’
But Celia cried inconsolably. Birds pecked canaries to death – she had heard someone say so. Goldie was dead – dead somewhere under the trees. She would never feel his little beak again. She cried on and off all day. She would not eat either her dinner or her tea. Goldie’s cage outside the window remained empty.
At last bedtime came. Celia lay in her little white bed. She still sobbed automatically. She held her mother’s hand very tight. She wanted Mummy more than Nannie. Nannie had suggested that Celia’s father would perhaps give her another bird. Mother knew better than that. It wasn’t just a bird she wanted – after all, she still had Daphne – it was Goldie. Oh! Goldie – Goldie – Goldie … She loved Goldie – and he was gone – pecked to death. She squeezed her mother’s hand frenziedly. Her mother squeezed back.
And then, in the silence broken only by Celia’s heavy breathing, there came a little sound – the tweet of a bird.
Master Goldie flew down from the top of the curtain pole where he had been roosting quietly all day.
All her life Celia never forgot the incredulous wonderful joy of that moment …
It became a saying in the family when you began to worry over anything:
‘Now, then, remember Goldie and the curtain pole!’
8
The Gun Man dream changed. It got, somehow, more frightening.
The dream would start well. It would be a happy dream – a picnic or a party. And suddenly, just when you were having lots of fun, a queer feeling crept over you. Something was wrong somewhere … What was it? Why, of course, the Gun Man was there. But he wasn’t himself. One of the guests was the Gun Man …
And the awful part of it was, he might be anybody. You looked at them. Everyone was gay, laughing and talking. And then suddenly you knew. It might be Mummy or Daddy or Nannie – someone you were just talking to: You looked up in Mummy’s face – of course it was Mummy – and then you saw the light steely-blue eyes – and from the sleeve of Mummy’s dress – oh, horror! – that horrible stump. It wasn’t Mummy – it was the Gun Man … And you woke screaming …
And you couldn’t explain to anyone – to Mummy or to Nannie – it didn’t sound frightening just told. Someone said: ‘There, there, you’ve had a bad dream, my dearie,’ and patted you. And presently you went to
sleep again – but you didn’t like going to sleep because the dream might come again.
Celia would say desperately to herself in the dark night: ‘Mummy isn’t the Gun Man. She isn’t. She isn’t. I know she isn’t. She’s Mummy.’
But in the night, with the shadows and the dream still clinging round you, it was difficult to be sure of anything. Perhaps nothing was what it seemed and you had always known it really.
‘Miss Celia had another bad dream last night, ma’am.’
‘What was it, Nurse?’
‘Something about a man with a gun, ma’am.’
Celia would say:
‘No, Mummy, not a man with a gun. The Gun Man. My Gun Man.’
‘Were you afraid he’d shoot you, darling? Was it that?’
Celia shook her head – shivered.
She couldn’t explain.
Her mother didn’t try to make her. She said very gently:
‘You’re quite safe, darling, here with us. No one can hurt you.’
That was comforting.
9
‘Nannie, what’s that word there – on that poster – the big one?’
‘“Comforting”, dear. “Make yourself a comforting cup of tea.”’
This went on every day. Celia displayed an insatiable curiosity about words. She knew her letters, but her mother had a prejudice against children being taught to read too early.
‘I shan’t begin teaching Celia to read till she is six.’
But theories of education do not always turn out as planned. By the time she was five and a half Celia could read all the story books in the nursery shelves, and practically all the words on the posters. It was true that at times she became confused between words. She would come to Nannie and say, ‘Please, Nannie, is this word “greedy” or “selfish”? I can’t remember.’ Since she read by sight and not by spelling out the words, spelling was to be a difficulty to her all her life.
Celia found reading enchanting. It opened a new world to her, a world of fairies, witches, hobgoblins, trolls. Fairy stories were her passion. Stories of real-life children did not much interest her.
She had few children of her own age to play with. Her home was in a remote spot and motors were as yet few and far between. There was one little girl a year older than herself – Margaret McCrae. Occasionally Margaret would be asked to tea, or Celia would be asked to tea with her. But on these occasions Celia would beg frenziedly not to go.
‘Why, darling, don’t you like Margaret?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘Then why?’
Celia could only shake her head.
‘She’s shy,’ said Cyril scornfully.
‘It’s absurd not to want to see other children,’ said her father. ‘It’s unnatural.’
‘Perhaps Margaret teases her?’ said her mother.
‘No,’ cried Celia, and burst into tears.
She could not explain. She simply could not explain. And yet the facts were so simple. Margaret had lost all her front teeth. Her words came out very fast in a hissing manner – and Celia could never understand properly what she was saying. The climax had occurred when Margaret had accompanied her for a walk. She had said: ‘I’ll tell you a nice story, Celia,’ and had straight away embarked upon it – hissing and lisping about a ‘Printheth and poithoned thweth.’ Celia listened in an agony. Occasionally Margaret would stop and demand: ‘Ithn’t it a nithe thtory?’ Celia, concealing valiantly the fact that she had not the faintest idea what the story was about, would try to answer intelligently. And inwardly, as was her habit, she would have recourse to prayer.
‘Oh, please, please, God, let me get home soon – don’t let her know I don’t know. Oh, let’s get home soon – please, God.’
In some obscure way she felt that to let Margaret know that her speech was incomprehensible would be the height of cruelty. Margaret must never know.
But the strain was awful. She would reach home white and tearful. Everyone thought that she didn’t like Margaret. And really it was the opposite. It was because she liked Margaret so much that she could not bear Margaret to know.
And nobody understood – nobody at all. It made Celia feel queer and panic stricken and horribly lonely.
10
On Thursdays there was dancing class. The first time Celia went she was very frightened. The room was full of children – big dazzling children in silken skirts.
In the middle of the room, fitting on a long pair of white gloves, was Miss Mackintosh, who was quite the most awe-inspiring but at the same time fascinating person that Celia had ever seen. Miss Mackintosh was very tall – quite the tallest person in the world, so Celia thought. (In later life it came as a shock to Celia to realize that Miss Mackintosh was only just over medium height. She had achieved her effect by billowing skirts, her terrific uprightness, and sheer personality.)
‘Ah!’ said Miss Mackintosh graciously. ‘So this is Celia. Miss Tenderden?’
Miss Tenderden, an anxious-looking creature who danced exquisitely but had no personality, hurried up like an eager terrier.
Celia was handed over to her and was presently standing in a line of small children manipulating ‘expanders’ – a stretch of royal blue elastic with a handle at each end. After ‘expanders’ came the mysteries of the polka, and after that the small children sat down and watched the glittering beings in the silk skirts doing a fancy dance with tambourines.
After that, Lancers was announced. A small boy with dark mischievous eyes hurried up to Celia.
‘I say – will you be my partner?’
‘I can’t,’ said Celia regretfully. ‘I don’t know how.’
‘Oh, what a shame.’
But presently Miss Tenderden swooped down upon her.
‘Don’t know how? No, of course not, dear, but you’re going to learn. Now, here is a partner for you.’
Celia was paired with a sandy-haired boy with freckles. Opposite them was the dark-eyed boy and his partner. He said reproachfully to Celia as they met in the middle:
‘I say, you wouldn’t dance with me. I think it’s a shame.’
A pang she was to know well in after years swept through Celia. How explain? How say, ‘But I want to dance with you. I’d much rather dance with you. This is all a mistake.’
It was her first experience of that tragedy of girlhood – the Wrong Partner!
But the exigencies of the Lancers swept them apart. They met once more in the grand chain, but the boy only gave her a look of deep reproach and squeezed her hand.
He never came to dancing class again, and Celia never learnt his name.
11
When Celia was seven years old Nannie left. Nannie had a sister even older than herself, and that sister was now broken down in health, and Nannie had to go and look after her.
Celia was inconsolable and wept bitterly. When Nannie departed, Celia wrote to her every day short, wildly written, impossibly spelt letters which caused an infinitude of trouble to compose.
Her mother said gently:
‘You know, darling, you needn’t write every day to Nannie. She won’t really expect it. Twice a week will be quite enough.’
But Celia shook her head determinedly.
‘Nannie might think I’d forgotten her. I shan’t forget – ever.’
Her mother said to her father:
‘The child’s very tenacious in her affections. It’s a pity.’
Her father said, with a laugh:
‘A contrast from Master Cyril.’
Cyril never wrote to his parents from school unless he was made to do so, or unless he wanted something. But his charm of manner was so great that all small misdemeanours were forgiven him.
Celia’s obstinate fidelity to the memory of Nannie worried her mother.
‘It isn’t natural,’ she said. ‘At her age she ought to forget more easily.’
No new nurse came to replace Nannie. Susan looked after Celia to the extent of giving her her bath in the evening and ge
tting up in the morning. When she was dressed Celia would go to her mother’s room. Her mother always had her breakfast in bed. Celia would be given a small slice of toast and marmalade, and would then sail a small fat china duck in her mother’s wash basin. Her father would be in his dressing-room next door. Sometimes he would call her in and give her a penny, and the penny would then be introduced into a small painted wooden money box. When the box was full the pennies would be put into the savings bank and when there was enough in the savings bank, Celia was to buy herself something really exciting with her own money. What that something was to be was one of the main preoccupations of Celia’s life. The favourite objects varied from week to week. First, there was a high tortoiseshell comb covered with knobs for Celia’s mother to wear in her black hair. Such a comb had been pointed out to Celia by Susan in a shop window. ‘A titled lady might wear a comb like that,’ said Susan in a reverent voice. Then there was an accordion-pleated dress in a white silk to go to dancing class in – that was another of Celia’s dreams. Only the children who did skirt dancing wore accordion-pleated dresses. It would be many years before Celia would be old enough to learn skirt dancing, but, after all, the day would come. Then there was a pair of real gold slippers (Celia had no doubt of there being such things) and there was a summer house to put in the wood, and there was a pony. One of these delectable things was waiting for her on the day when she had got ‘enough in the savings bank’.
In the daytime she played in the garden, bowling a hoop (which might be anything from a stagecoach to an express train), climbing trees in a gingerly and uncertain manner, and making secret places in the midst of dense bushes where she could lie hidden and weave romances. If it was wet she read books in the nursery or painted in numbers of the Queen. Between tea and dinner there were delightful plays with her mother. Sometimes they made houses with towels spread over chairs and crawled in and out of them – sometimes they blew bubbles. You never knew beforehand, but there was always some enchanting and delightful game – the kind of game that you couldn’t think of for yourself, the kind of game that was only possible with Mummy.
Unfinished Portrait Page 3
