by KC Michaels
Her contemplations were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. She checked the call display and her heart began to beat so fast it was almost deafening. It was him.
“Hello”
“Hi.” Jaxon’s soft, low whisper gave her butterflies.
“Jaxon,” she said, her tone matching his.
“You called me last night?”
“I well I…” She was supposed to tell him it had been a mistake; a random pocket dial, but she couldn’t.
“I miss you,” she admitted, feeling good that she hadn’t lied. She was facing her demons too.
“I’m glad.”
“You are?”
“Yes,” he affirmed. “Am I interrupting anything? I heard you went to Chicago.”
“Yes, for a medical conference. I'm having dinner at the hotel bar,” she replied with a smile. She couldn't help herself; he liked that she missed him.
“Are you alone?”
“I was, but a colleague has joined me. She's gone to the ladies room, but she will be back shortly.”
“I wish I was there with you,” he said longingly. His declaration made wonder if he actually did care about her more than he has admitted in the past.
“I wish you were here too.” Silent tears streamed down her face.
“Kate.”
“I'm here,” she said, trying to mask her emotional breakdown. She wasn’t successful.
“Don't cry babe, please.”
“How did you know? I mean... I'm not.”
She felt his presence and turned around to find him standing right behind her. She was in awe. Was this really happening? He took the phone from her hand and placed it on the bar, and then he brought his index finger to her cheek and captured a tear.
“Please,” he said to her. “I don’t want to make you cry.”
She searched his strikingly beautiful blue eyes for answers. She could see he cared. It might not have been love, but he did care and—for now—that would be enough for her and it only caused her to cry harder.
“Hey come on now,” he said, bringing her face to his chest. “I didn't come here to make you cry.”
Kate pulled herself away and studied his face, looking for some kind of tell-tale sign, as to what his intentions were. “Why did you come here?”
“I don't know,” he said. “I just knew that I didn't want to be anywhere else. I'm sorry I haven't called you. Can you forgive me?”
“That depends,” she replied, picking up a cocktail napkin off the bar to dry her tear stained face.
“Depends on what?”
“Will you admit you care about me?”
He didn’t answer her. He had to care even a little bit didn’t he?
“Jaxon why do your feelings for me scare you so much?”
He pulled away. “Kate, we had an agreement. Can we please not go there?”
“No, Jaxon, we have to go there; I need to go there. I can’t do this with you on the terms we originally set out. I thought I could but I can’t, I need more—a commitment.”
“Commitment?” He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out an exasperated breath. “Love, marriage, children, a couple of dogs and a white picket fence? What Kate? What do you think you want from me?”
His harsh words stung. “Yes, maybe that is what I want from you... someday. Is that so bad?”
He didn't answer and it only made her angrier. “I have fallen in love with you,” she snapped.
“Fuck!” he exclaimed, pulling his hands through his hair.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, Kate. You agreed remember, no strings.”
His words cut deep. She was wrong, a desperate fool that somehow managed to convince herself that he could have feelings for her, feelings that ran deeper than his libido. She flashed back to the Italian restaurant, thinking about Nikki and how her feelings for Jaxon had turned into some type of unhealthy obsession. It was so pathetic, chasing after a man that didn't want her. Kate was not going to be that woman. But she wasn’t stupid. He had feelings for her and it was he that changed the playing field when he said he wanted monogamy. She was so confused.
“I will not become another Nikki or Rachel. I will not melt at your feet and beg for a morsel of your attention. You cannot show up here after two weeks of avoiding me and expect me to act like nothing happened, like you didn’t just disappear without a word. I refuse to let you affect me in that way. Since you seem to be the one always coming out on top, I'm going to be more like you. I'm going to be the one to walk away. But unlike you I will not come back on a whim.”
“Nikki? Rachel? Even if you tried you couldn’t be like them.”
“It doesn't matter,” she held her palms out in exasperation, because he just didn’t get it, he didn’t get her. “I have a plane to catch in the morning and it's getting late.”
Jaxon remained in front of her, blocking her exit.
“Kate, don't go. I need...”
“What do you need, Jaxon? You need to satisfy your sexual urges? Find someone else, because this arrangement we had is finished. There are plenty of women here in Chicago; I'm certain you could have your pick.”
“I don't want any other woman,” he burst out. “I want you.”
“Why Jaxon?” Her hands on her hips, tapping her foot irritably. “Can you tell me why? What makes me so special?”
If he told her the truth she might…No! He couldn't tell her. He couldn’t admit to the fact that when it came down to crunch time, he couldn't do it. He couldn’t be with another woman since meeting her, he already tried and failed. The only touch he wanted to feel was Kate's. She scared the hell out of him. Kate was right he was afraid, but he needed to keep on running because it was far better than the alternative. If he surrendered to his heart it would only end badly. It always ended badly.
“I'm sorry Kate, I never should have come here
“You are right, you shouldn’t have,” she said, coldly. “I can’t be your fuck buddy any longer, because it’s just not worth it.”
He moved away to let her pass, he could feel his guts twisting in knots as he watched her walk away. He hadn't experienced such a feeling of loss since his parents had died, but it was for the best. She was right, he wasn’t worth it.
He slumped down on the stool that Kate had been sitting on. In front of him, on the bar, was a barely eaten bowl of pasta and a wine glass half filled with soda. He could see the smudge of lip gloss on the rim of the glass where her lips had been. He loved her lips. He missed her lips.
“I don't believe it!”
Jaxon heard a voice he knew could only belong to one woman.
“Laura?” Jaxon said surprised. “What are you doing here?”
“I'm here for a medical conference. Your ears must have been burning.” She leaned in and planted a kiss on his cheek. “What are you doing here?"
He didn't answer; instead he ordered a double whiskey on the rocks as the bartender walked past them.
“Double whiskey? Are you sure that's a good idea?” Dr. Sanford asked him, frowning with concern.
“It's fine,” he remarked, casually. “It won't lead to anything else, I promise. I haven't touched drugs since Ohio. What was this about my ears?”
She dodged the question. “No, you haven’t answered my question. What has you sitting here in Chicago at a bar drowning your sorrows in whisky?”
“I'm not drowning anything,” he snapped with agitation.
“In other words you don't want to talk about it.”
“Nope.” He ran his finger over the lip print on Kate’s glass. Laura noticed.
“There was a woman sitting here earlier, a young doctor from Manhattan. Any chance you know her Jaxon?”
Jaxon shot her a sideways glance and downed his whiskey.
“I see,” she said knowingly.
“What do you see?” he demanded. He wasn’t in the mood for any of her psychobabble.
“I see that you are still running, even though you care about h
er.”
Jaxon picked up his empty glass and slammed it down on the bar, to get the bartender's attention.
“Another,” he said loudly.
He pointed at Laura accusingly. “What the fuck did you do? How did you manage to get her here?”
“You think I had her sent here?”
“Yes I do,” he snapped. “You can't tell me it was just a coincidence that the two of you happened to be at the same conference.”
“Well you can believe whatever you want to believe, Jaxon, but I assure you, I had no idea that the girl who was sitting beside me tonight – sounding very heart broken and confused – was yours.”
“She walked away; she's not mine. It's over.”
“Are you sure about that Jaxon? The young lady I spoke to tonight has clearly fallen in love with you. It was just as clear to me as is the fact that you are in love with her.”
“Don't be crazy Laura. You know as well as I do that I’m not capable of that kind of love. You even said it yourself once; until you met me you thought everyone was ready for love.”
“I did say that and, at the time, I even believed it despite the fact it goes against everything I know about people and relationships. You had me convinced that you were the exception to the rule, until you called me that day, after you left the emergency room, and all you spoke about was the doctor who treated your ankle. Then again, that night when you happened to mention that she showed up at your club, and then there was—”
“Okay I get it,” he said, cutting her off. “Maybe she was on my mind a lot, but that doesn't mean anything.”
“Maybe not, but the fact that you look like your heart has been ripped out and handed to you on a stake, and the way you keep touching that glass, her glass, it speaks volumes Jaxon. Let me ask you something if you don’t have feelings for her then why are you here?”
He let out a harsh breath. “I don't know. She asked me the same thing.”
“Is that what you told her; you don't know?”
He didn't deny it. “So you lied to her.”
“It's the truth.”
Laura shook her head slowly. “Jaxon, for a smart guy, you are really stupid. You love her.”
“No!”
“Yes, and I think you better come to terms with that before it's too late. She is a wonderful girl and I think she's good for you, but she won’t wait around forever; you need to know that. I know you’re scared, Jaxon, and you have a legitimate reason to be, but it's time you put that behind you before it's too late. You can trust her Jaxon. You can trust her enough for both of you.”
“What if I screw it up? What if I screw her up?”
“You won't. She is strong and she loves you. She won't let you screw it up. All she needs is to know how you feel.”
“How in the hell can I tell her how I feel when I don’t even know that answer.”
Jaxon slammed a couple of bills down on the bar for his drinks and jumped off the stool. “Jaxon, where are you going?” Laura called after him.
“I need to think,” he barked and left her sitting there alone.
***
CHAPTER 16
Jaxon waited outside Kate’s hotel room. He’d walked the streets of Chicago until two am. It was now six am and he still hadn’t slept a wink. He had to talk to her. He hated himself for the pain he was causing her, but she needed something from him—something he couldn’t give. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to give it, he just couldn’t. He had buried that part of his life so deep in his subconscious; he was afraid that if he let even a small bit out, the flood gates would open and he would bare it all to her. She wouldn’t be able to handle his truth.
The only person that knew about his entire past life was Laura. Elise didn't know all of it. Although he was—legally—Grayson's father, he and Elise never really connected like people in that situation should have; they rarely spoke over the phone and when they did, it was kept brief. She seemed uncomfortable in his presence. It was as if he repulsed her and he believed it was because she knew he was responsible for Grayson’s biological father, Pete's death. The only reason she had allowed Jaxon to become Grayson's legal dad was because it was the only way she knew how to make sure her son would be taken care of, financially. She was using him, but it was okay. Jason knew almost everything with the exception of some details surrounding their parent’s death. Things he hadn’t even told the police and then there was Steven. Steven had been with Jaxon since he first opened his club, and he knew only parts of his past.
Jaxon first met Steven when he had been paying a visit to his ex-employer, Bruno the Bastard, giving him fair warning that his days of running a strip club where the talent was so mixed up with drugs and alcohol they half the time didn’t even know their own name were coming to an end. Jaxon was determined that neither Bruno nor his devious side kick Cassie Winter would ever be able to destroy a young man’s life again. He was storming out of the club full of all sorts of piss and vinegar when he stumbled across a seventeen year old boy working the front cage at Bruno’s strip club – the same job Jaxon had done several years prior.
“What is your name kid?”
“Steven Fisher,” the kid replied.
“You have plans for your future Steven?”
“Yeah man, I’m going to go to med school, become a cancer doctor.”
“That’s a pretty impressive goal.”
“Yeah, I know, but it's what I'm going to do. My mom died of cancer last year and, since I couldn’t help her, maybe someday I can help someone else.”
“Where is the rest of your family?”
“It’s just me. My dad left when I was born, so it’s always been just me and my mom. Who are you anyway?”
“Jaxon Remington,” he said, shaking the kid’s hand, “You need to do yourself a favour and quit this place, before you wind up dead.”
“What?”
“Look kid, you don’t want to work here. In fact, I have my own club that I'm opening really soon. Why don’t you tell Bruno you have been offered other employment and come work for me? I will pay you double what you are making here.”
Steven eyed him skeptically. “Are you shitting me?”
“Did they give you your bonus yet?”
“My Bonus?” Steven repeated.
“Yeah, did you get your little bonus yet, you know, the one in the brown paper bag.”
Steven frowned. “How do you know about that?”
“It doesn't matter. You didn’t take them already, did you?
“No.” Steven reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brown bag. Jaxon wanted to choke Bruno.
“Whatever you do, don’t take those pills or you can kiss your future goodbye.”
He took the bag from Steven, his hands shaking; not because he needed a fix, he was angry. There was a time when he wouldn’t have been able to go a morning without popping pills and, eventually, anything else he could get his hands on. Now, he just wanted to shove them down the Bastard’s throat.
“You don’t want these.”
Steven thought for a minute before responding. “When can I start?”
Jaxon’s trip down memory lane had ended abruptly when a maid swiped her card in the door lock and entered into Kate's room. Jaxon pulled himself up from his sitting position on the floor right outside the door and followed her inside. The room was empty.
“Excuse me where did the person go who was in here?”
“The person from this room has checked out sir."
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He was too late.
It was a quick flight back from Chicago but the cab ride home from Jersey seemed to have taken forever. Kate had been able to change to an earlier flight to get out of Chicago faster, but it had required her to land in Newark—as opposed to JFK where the original flight would have taken her. The thought of spending any more time at the hotel than she had to, made the inconvenience worth it.
When she had returned to her hotel room, after storming away from J
axon in the hotel bar, she tried to sleep but she had continued to replay the conversation over and over in her mind. She had to get out of Chicago, as fast as she could. She couldn’t risk running into him again at the hotel. It was too painful. So she had packed her bag and checked out.
Kate looked out the window and realized the cab hadn't moved from its dead stop in five minutes. The traffic was heavy as usual, due to the morning commute from Jersey to Manhattan. It was definitely the biggest downfall of living in a big city. Kate was also becoming rather annoyed with the cab driver. She would have preferred a quiet ride back to her place but instead the driver spoke into his Bluetooth the entire time, in a language she didn't understand. It might not have bothered her so much if she hadn’t already been irritated; today she found it rude.
Finally home, Kate collapsed on her couch. Her heart was broken and it felt like someone was squeezing it in a vice, but unlike the last time, regarding her relationship with Eldon, she didn't have regrets when it came to Jaxon. Her regret might have been if she didn’t end it—his effect on her was toxic because when she was with him she did and said things that were so out of character, it was like she was a different person. From the lies she told to the having sex in a public restroom in a restaurant, when she was with him she was becoming someone else. Someone she didn’t much like. She knew it was going to take her some time to get past this but she also knew it was her only alternative because her sanity depended on it. She needed to do something to take her mind off of him. She dug through her bag and retrieved her note book. Dr. Richards had expected her to put together a presentation regarding the info she had gathered at the medical conference. She leafed through the pages and began to sketch out an outline for her report. Once she felt she knew what the report was going to entail she fired up her computer. Kate took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind of anything Jaxon related, as she waited for the computer to do all of its system checks and whatever else computers did before they were primed for the using. She opened up her word program and began to type.
