by Iris Deorre
Gwen nodded.
‘I did a runner,’ she said.
‘You did what?’
‘I ran,’ she laughed. ‘As fast as I could.’
‘How did you manage that?’ Gwen asked as she laughed.
‘While he was at the till; when he looked away I bolted.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Oh yes.’ Jasmine laughed when she recalled the incident. ‘And I got an earful from Ella but she’s forgiven me.’
‘Gosh you’re funny; I’d never be able to do that. I’d probably sit through the date then never be in touch again.’
‘Yeah well, when I get the urge to do something nothing really stops me. Sometimes I wish I could stop it but I can’t.’
‘So after that I’m guessing no more dates.’
Jasmine stopped pacing a moment and gazed at Gwen.
‘What? You have another date?’
Jasmine’s lips curled and nodded shyly.
‘Oh my god you do don’t you. Another one of Ella’s fella’s?
‘Nope, this one introduced himself to me.’ Jasmine still couldn’t believe it.
‘Wow, this sounds interesting.’
‘I’m a little unsure. He’s so...so attractive, tall and wow, I have no words for him.’ Her eyes lifted to the ceiling as she remembered.
‘Oh my you like him!’
‘Well it’s too soon to say.’
Jasmine gave a brief version of how they met.
‘So are you going to meet him then?’ asked Gwen.
‘Well, I wanted too but Clive has me under office arrest. I came in late and now I have to leave late.’
‘You can’t let this one slip away.’
‘I can’t risk loosing my job. I’m not sure what other company would put up with me.’ She laughed sarcastically.
‘Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all have our issues.’
Jasmine laughed.
‘I tell you what, why don’t I go and meet him after work and let him know you’re going to be a little late.’
‘Hmmm,’ her heart skipped a beat; she really wanted to do this even though she was extremely terrified. Clive’s demand for her to work late was some sort of a comfort, an escape route.
‘Come on, you like this one, you said so yourself.’
‘Hmmmm...okay... okay ask him if I could reschedule for an hour later.’
‘Your wish is my command.’
‘Oh gosh! I’m really doing this.’ Jasmine held onto her chest.
‘Yes you are, but now I better get back to work before the bulldog starts to bark.’
They giggled and soon Gwen took leave, leaving Jasmine to get on with her work.
Chapter Five
Jasmine finally packed up her belongings then made her way to Clive’s office. She knocked on his door poked her head round and told him she was off. It was half past six already and she wondered if Zack would wait or had given up.
‘Come in a minute,’ said Clive.
Jasmine hesitated, she really wanted to leave, she really wanted to see Zack.
‘I just want to say you’re doing a good job Jasmine. I know we don’t always get off on the right foot but your work is perfect. A little slow but perfect.’
‘Thank you,’ she said.
‘I know we had words last week about one of our clients but it turns out you did the best job ever and they’ve decided not to leave.’
Jasmine was taken aback, that was a surprise and she was proud that it was all down to her meticulous work
‘If there’s nothing else, I really must go.’ She took a few steps back.
He nodded and Jasmine made for the door.
‘Oh and Jasmine,’ he said.
‘Sir?’
‘Be on time tomorrow.’
She nodded, even though she couldn’t promise she would certainly try.
Jasmine dashed out of the building with her fingers crossed. She really hoped that Zack would still be there. As she stepped onto the pavement she thought she heard someone call her name. Jasmine stopped and turned behind her and there he was, standing to the left of the building.
‘Hey,’ he took a few steps forward so that they could meet. ‘Thought I’d left?’ he asked.
She nodded feeling shy and giddy at the same time. This was a rare occasion. Just looking at the man in front of her felt like a dream; how was it possible?
‘I know this quiet little place not too far away from here,’ he said. ‘Would you like to try it out?’
‘Yes, I’d love to.’
‘Great, this way,’ he pointed ahead of them and they started to walk.
Jasmine could feel the nerves raging up and down her body. It was hard not to do something spontaneous like pull her hair anything to get rid of the feelings she felt, but she persevered. Being with Zack even for just the short moment made her feel a little bit more in control of the impulses that tortured her daily.
‘So, how was work? I heard your boss kept you longer than normal. I hope I’m not to blame.’
‘Nope, it’s something I don’t seem to have the habit to break.’ She giggled nervously.
‘Well then, perhaps we have something in common. Well I’m not late all of the time but at times I do run late. But then again I’m the boss.’
‘Oh well then, that’s lucky for you, you can tell yourself off.’
He laughed lightly. They stopped at a pedestrian crossing and waited for the green man to tell them it was okay for them to go. Jasmine felt totally relaxed which was an odd thing. It was only a few more minutes walk and they arrived at their destination.
It was quiet and pleasant just as he’d said. They found a place at the back of the restaurant that was dimly lit. For a moment Jasmine looked at the chair unable to bring herself to sit down without performing her cleaning ritual.
‘Is everything alright?’ he asked when he noticed the tension in her body language.
‘Urm...I’m just going to...’ Jasmine knew that each time she’d let her crazy show, men were out the door in a flash. She didn’t want to loose this one before she got to know him, but the urge wouldn’t go away. ‘I just need to wipe down the seat,’ she said trying to sound as normal as possible.
‘Okay,’ he stood with her.
Jasmine embarrassingly pulled out some wipes and began to wipe down the stool.
‘While you’re at it I may as well give mine a wipe down,’ he said.
Jasmine stopped wiping for a moment and looked at him to see if he was making fun of her. There was no sign of it anywhere; rather there was a genuine interest in his eyes. It was the look in his eyes that captured her. Slowly she took the wipe from the packet and handed it to him.
‘Thank you.’ He took it and began to wipe down his stool too.
After a brief silence and all was well, they took their perspective seats. Jasmine wasn’t sure whether to ask him why he did that or not. But his friendly and calm manner didn’t call for it. Instead he looked at her and smiled and for a split second she dropped her head and hid from his gaze. She looked up at him and returned the smile.
‘So what would you like to drink?’ he asked.
Jasmine toyed with her fingers nervously, his eyes briefly dropped to her fingers but quickly back at her so as not to make her nervous.
‘You can have anything you like, no pressure,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to have anything at all if you don’t want to.’
Jasmine took a deep breath and her shoulders relaxed somewhat. There was something about him, something that soothed her in the midst of the nerves.
‘I’ll have some bottled water,’ she said finally.
‘Bottle water it is.’ Zack pushed back the chair, fiddled for his wallet in his back pocket. ‘I won’t be long.’
Jasmine nodded and watched as he wandered over to the counter to order. It was the first time she’d ever felt comfortable with a man. It wasn’t too long before he was back with a coffee and some bottled water.
‘I brought you a straw just in case you wanted it that way.’ He placed the bottled water and straw in front of her.
‘Thank you,’ she said shyly. ‘Very considerate of you.’ Did he know something she didn’t? He seemed so easy to be with and yet there was something really strange about him.
He was handsome, ran his own business. Looking at him Jasmine would’ve assumed that he was the type of guy who would want nothing to do with her; let alone accommodate her queer behaviour. She pictured him as a boob and legs man, a man who preferred blonds to brunettes and always had a model on his arm. Jasmine just couldn’t shake away the suspicion.
‘Is everything alright?’ he asked noticing her tense up.
‘I...I was just wondering why?’ she fiddled for a serviette, placed it over the lid and turned the cap to the water.
‘Why what?’
‘Why are you sitting here with me when you could be with anyone you like, someone with a lot more to offer.’
He sat back and observed her a moment and wondered why a woman so beautiful would put herself down that way. It didn’t make much sense to him but he also noticed that the nervousness that controlled her body must’ve developed from somewhere.
‘You are... interesting and lovely. I just wanted to get to know you that’s all.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes really don’t you believe that?’
‘Actually I find it quite odd. Not many men have asked me out on a date...in fact my friend has always set me up.’
‘And how has that been for you?’
‘Horrible!’ she laughed.
‘Yeah?’
‘Oh my gosh you wouldn’t want to know.’
‘Try me, I’m all ears.’
Jasmines eyes travelled from his eyes down to his perfect pink lips. She swallowed back hard and pulled on the lobe of her ear. The feelings that were travelling around her body were strange and new, something she hadn’t felt in a long while.
‘Okay, I’ll tell you about the latest.’ Jasmine relayed the story about Paul and Zack laughed in all the right places.
‘Well it serves him right for trying to force you to have a muffin you had no intention of having.’
Jasmine laughed and poked the straw into her water. All the worrying and the stressing of how things ought to be perfect disappeared as she enjoyed his company.
‘Do you think I’m weird?’ she asked.
‘If I said no would you believe me?’
His response caught her off guard and he’d hit a home truth. She probably wouldn’t believe him because her whole life she was made to feel weird.
‘Probably not?’
‘Then I won’t answer that question, what I will say is that I’d like to see you again.’ His hand drifted across the table about to take hers but she quickly withdrew.
‘I’m sorry...I’m.’
‘Don’t worry about it, in fact hand me one of your hand wipes.’
Jasmine looked at him strangely. He nodded to encourage her. Slowly she pulled out a wipe from the bag and handed it to him. He took it with a smile and began to wipe his hands all over right in front of her. He put the wipe to the side of the table and held out his hand. Jasmine felt her heart thud so hard, there was a tingling sensation that shot through her body. It was as if that feeling took hold of her hand and controlled it, moving it into his hand. She shut her eyes briefly as she felt his skin against hers. He rubbed a thumb over the top of her beautiful chocolate skin and gave it a little squeeze.
‘So, can I see you again?’ he tried again.
She sucked in a deep breath then said, ‘Yes, I’d like that very much.’
He gave her hand one last squeeze then withdrew.
‘Great! How about you give me your number and we can take it from there?’
She nodded and gave out her mobile number. It was the oddest feeling, Jasmine felt vulnerable and comfortable at the same time. There was an odd connection between them and Zack sensed it too. Zack had sensed it the moment she’d had the argument with the cashier earlier that day. It had drawn her to him and he had to get to know her. He was doing things differently for a change, seeing beyond and really seeing and this time he really saw the woman who sat opposite him.
‘What do you like to do?’ he asked after he’d put her number in his mobile phone.
That was a tough question. If Ella didn’t invite her to go out Jasmine would gladly stay at home and avoid crowds. It was just the way she was and she felt comfortable that way.
‘Urm... I...’ she really couldn’t answer that.
‘Okay what do you like doing generally?’
Another question she had to put thought to.’
‘At home do you read, dance, smoke a cigar?’
She laughed at the latter and began to relax again.
‘I definitely don’t smoke cigars.’
‘Thank goodness,’ he laughed. ‘Perhaps a quiet walk in a park or dancing? Anything that makes you comfortable.’
‘Sitting in the open air somewhere, letting the sun shine on our faces and the wind blow against our skin,’ she said a little carried away.
‘Okay.’ He smiled mildly, ‘That sounds great.’
‘I sound silly don’t I?’ she was suddenly self conscious.
‘Not at all.’ He was about to open his mouth again when his mobile rang. ‘I’ve got to take this, it’s my sister.’ He pushed back the chair and moved in the direction of the exit.
‘Is everything okay?’ Jasmine could hear him say as he stepped out.
Jasmine hoped everything was alright; there had been a sudden change in his voice. And when he came back the look on his face said it all.
‘I’m sorry Jasmine, I’m going to have to go,’ he said.
‘Is everything alright?’ she asked.
‘It’s my sister, she needs me.’
This had been one of the things that worked on Kimberly’s last nerve but he loved his sister and she was all he had left, he wasn’t going to abandon her just because his then girlfriend couldn’t cope with it.
‘Okay,’ said Jasmine as she stood up. ‘I’ll be fine, my car’s not parked too far away.’
‘I can walk you to your car,’ he offered.
‘No...I’ll be fine, I’ve done it many times before, alone.’ She smiled.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive, you go...go to your sister and whatever it is I hope she’ll be okay.’
‘Okay thank you.’ He moved closer to give her a kiss but she stepped back.
‘I’m sorry.’ She wanted to but she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him, there were all sorts of thoughts running through her mind. Thoughts of germs in his mouth, disease and even though she knew that there was a slim chance of that she couldn’t get past it. It didn’t matter how cute he was, the thoughts were bigger and stronger.
‘Don’t worry about it, its okay. Maybe next time,’ he said hopefully. ‘I will give you a call to arrange that date.’ He winked.
‘Okay,’ she smiled a little embarrassed and upset with herself for not letting him kiss her.
‘Bye for now lovely Jasmine.’
‘Bye.’
Jasmine watched him step out into the busy Leeds streets and not long after she followed. It wasn’t like any other walk she’d done before. There was no fear of who might bump into her or which way she took to the car. Zack had triggered something she’d never felt before and for the first time her life felt a little bit easier.
The drive home was just as breezy and when she opened the door and shut it behind her she locked and unlocked it a few times less than normal. She flicked the light off and on but also a few times less and her heart felt warm. Jasmine looked around her small apartment and took everything in. She’d hidden herself away in there for so long and now it looked like a strange place but in a good way. Jasmine headed for the fridge and looked inside. There was a good amount of ice-cream, cake and half eaten chocolate bars but her hand reached for the chicken ti
cka ready meal. It was a relief to do that, not that she hadn’t eaten real food just that real food seldom passed her lips. Breakfast was usually a breakfast bar, lunch usually a pass or some fruit and in the evening dependant on how the day went Jasmine would binge on anything she could get her hands on. But no matter what she did or didn’t eat, it never changed an iota in her weight.
She pushed the ready meal into the microwave and waited until it pinged. She washed a fork and knife a few times and poured herself a glass of water. Jasmine sat down to a meal of one and began to feast on the food without thought or worry. It felt good; perhaps Zack was the medicine she needed! Perhaps the way he accepted her as she was, was what had brought this change of feeling about.
Slowly and cautiously she put the food to her mouth and savoured it. It was a slow and long process but after a while Jasmine had finally managed to finish the meal. She pushed back the chair, gathered the plate, fork and knife and headed for the sink. She washed the plate and the utensils. It took shorter than normal but she still repeated the process of making sure everything was squeaky clean.
After everything had been done, Jasmine went upstairs. There wasn’t the urge to purge although there was still the slight feeling of guilt for finishing the whole plate of food. Like every night Jasmine stepped onto the scale and weighed herself. The needle had moved a little in the opposite direction of what she wanted. She stepped off and stepped on again feeling extremely upset. There was a feeling of helplessness and anger and soon guilt crept in too. How could this have happened? Why couldn’t she shed the weight, why was this always a battle? She moved off the scale and stood before the bathroom mirror. Jasmine took in the contours of her body from top to bottom. Her eyes remained around the curves of her hips and she swallowed back bitterly. To any observer Jasmine was a beautifully shaped woman but to Jasmine all she saw was the girl Stacey saw, the girl who had been called the fat pig. It had tarred her; it had made her see what wasn’t really there even in her adult life.
To some it would’ve been easy to not believe it but her mind, her personality didn’t allow her to just let it go. It didn’t work that way, the mapping of her mind was different to others around her. Where others could cope, dust themselves off and get back out there, Jasmine’s mind held onto it until it poisoned her whole body, until it ate her from the inside out, until she wanted nothing but to carve away her own skin.
