But she didn’t have time to start over. She turned twenty-five within the year, at which time her biological clock would begin to break down. She couldn’t afford to wait through a courtship, dating, becoming engaged and getting married.
To give a solid relationship the time it needed to unfold and mature required a solid two years. Even waiting one year would prove too late.
Crap. She had to shut him down, close him out, before something more intimate than a kiss drew them closer together. Because sleeping with him would tear them apart. This needed to end before it began.
But how could she forget that world-shifting kiss? And then someday see him with someone else, with a woman who had what should’ve been hers?
Could have been mine, she corrected herself. But never will.
All the delicious sensations he’d created started slipped away, leaving her confused and hollow and depressed.
Slone paid for their ice cream cones, and they wandered around the cement floors circling the rink. He paused and gazed out over the ice. “You look mighty sad for a girl with double-chocolate-chunk ice cream.”
Her shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry about what happened back there.”
“I’m not.” He swiped his tongue across his dwindling scoop of mint chocolate chip. “But you clearly are. All I want to know is what I can do to change your mind.”
“You can’t,” she said dismally.
“But you have to admit, as far as first kisses go, we had a pretty damn good one.”
She sighed. “It was.”
“What’s with the two-word responses?”
“You should know. That’s the bulk of most of your conversations.”
At her observation, he grinned. “Touché.” He crunched into his cake cone. “Talk to me, Linds. What’s going on in your beautiful brain?”
“Too complicated.”
“Okay, let’s start with more than two-word answers.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s an improvement.”
She made a snarky face at him.
His shoulders bounced with a laugh. “No, I meant at least you said more than two words.”
She scowled. “What made you so chatty all the sudden?”
“Because I’m the one you’re stuck talking to, so you might as well lay it on me. Whatever is bothering you, I can handle it.”
Ducking her head she caught a drip of melted chocolate before it hit the floor. “I have to finish my ice cream before it melts into a mess. You talk.”
“Okay.” He popped the base of the cone into his mouth and licked his thumb. She glanced away and stuffed her face with double-chocolate chunk so she didn’t moan at the sight of him sucking something creamy off his fingers. She wanted him to drag her under the bleachers, cage her against the wall, and slide his hand down the front of her pants.
Instead, he scaled a few rows of bleachers and sat on one long metal bench. She joined him there.
Planting his feet on the seat below, he set his elbows on his knees. He folded his hands and tapped his thumbs together. Eventually he spoke. “I have a niece.”
“Where does she live?” Lindsey asked between slurps of ice cream.
Slone wasn’t sure what had compelled him to talk about family, let alone the tender topic of his dead brother’s daughter. “In Kentucky with the rest of my kin.”
“How old is she?”
“Nine. My little Makayla isn’t little anymore. She’s a cutie pie. And too smart for her own good. By the time she hits high school, she’ll drive all the boys crazy.” His heart twisted knowing he’d missed so many of her milestones.
“Do you talk to her often?”
“I send a card every month.” Along with the check to Adele. “To let her know I care, and I’m thinking about her.”
“That’s so sweet.” Lindsey made an awww sound in her throat. “Does she write back to you?”
“It’s more of a one-way thing.” Since Adele had made it painfully clear she didn’t want him in her life or Makayla’s either.
“What about the rest of your family? You sounded very fond of your Uncle Jimmy.”
Slone’s forehead tightened. “You’re not the only one who has cornered the market on ‘it’s complicated.’ We could go toe to toe in that arena.”
She gestured to the ice rink. “I think I’ll stick to losing in one arena today, thank you.”
He huffed a short laugh. “Fair enough.”
“Do you wish you were closer to your…kin?”
“Not really.” He tapped his thumbs again, wishing he hadn’t gone down this winding road of regret out loud. “Trust me, the feeling is mutual.”
“I can’t imagine going a week without talking to Kylie. What happened to drive such a wedge between you and your family?”
“My brother came back from Iraq in a casket, is what happened.”
She rested her hand on his forearm. “Oh, my God, Slone. I’m so sorry.”
He looked down at the place where her soft fingers draped across his black leather jacket. Hell, she was right. He wasn’t good for her. He wasn’t good for anyone.
Briefly he wondered why he’d let himself think he could have a relationship with her. She deserved more than he could ever offer her. And what she wanted most was a baby. He wasn’t convinced he should even bring a child into the world he’d seen torn apart by hate. He’d been a government-sanctioned killer. He’d taken the lives of men who had been fathers, while trying to save the lives of his team members so they could return home to their families. What a fucked up set of morals he’d lived by, and would’ve died for, without question or hesitation. So what right did he have to be a father, after the shit he’d been through and done? He sure as hell wasn’t the hero James had thought he was.
Slone regretted nothing. Life was too short to keep returning to the emotional minefield of What if? But he’d vowed to make choices that put only himself in danger, no one else. If he had a baby…
No, that option just wasn’t in the cards of the hand he’d been dealt. Although he wanted Lindsey with intense chest-gripping need, wanted to protect her for as long as he lived, she and her baby would be better off without his baggage.
“You just went really far away,” she said, piercing his dark thoughts. “I don’t like it.”
He glanced at her, seeing the concern churning in those immolating turquoise depths that made him want to sacrifice all his good sense to be with her. “Complicated is something I’m used to, something I live with every day. It haunts me.”
“I can tell.”
She nibbled her bottom lip that he’d tasted twenty minutes ago. He was glad he’d kissed her. Sexual tension had been brewing between them since they met at the Halloween party. Given the perfect opportunity, no wonder he’d become swept up in the moment. Still, he knew they could take it no further.
Reaching out he tucked her hair behind her ear. “You and I have some lousy timing, don’t we?”
Giving a sad laugh, she averted her face briefly to hide the surge of wetness along her lashes that he saw anyway. “We sure do.”
“If things weren’t so…complicated, would you go out with me if I asked you?”
“Yes,” she said instantly.
The immediate positive reply softened the sharp pain of knowing they couldn’t be together. They’d never be together.
It reminded him of the situation with Kylie all over again, but far, far worse—because he could see his future with Lindsey. He knew her spirit, her beautiful mind, what made her tick, what made her irresistible to him. She had this light within her. A light he swore could chase away the last of the shadows lingering inside him.
But she wouldn’t choose him, and he didn’t want her to.
Because if she asked, he would give her whatever she wanted. A baby. A ring. A wedding. A life where she’d never worry about money or threats. He’d protect her until his dying breath. All too much to ask for, more than he deserved, w
hile his brother lay six feet in the ground forever deprived of the family he’d left behind.
“Thanks for saying yes,” he said, referring to her agreement that under different circumstances, they might’ve had a chance.
“I’m not just saying that, Slone. I mean it.”
Then, because he couldn’t help himself, he kissed her.
Her lips felt so right against his. Like they’d done this a thousand times and he still couldn’t get enough.
Yet again, he couldn’t stop at just her lips. He swung her legs over his to bring her closer to him, until she practically sat in his lap. She didn’t push him away or tell him to stop, although she should.
Touching her face with his fingertips, he memorized the softness of her hairline. The indentation of her temples. The perfection of her jaw that led to the beautiful arc of her neck. He wanted to bathe her in kisses, all over.
When her tongue reached out to his, he sucked her greedily into his mouth. He tilted her head and delved further, coaxing her sweet intimacy, desperate to taste her vibrant happiness and feel something greater than the memories the past ten years had given him.
“You taste so good,” he said, rolling his forehead against hers.
“You taste amazing,” she whispered back. “Mint chocolate chip might be my new favorite flavor.”
He stifled a groan. She inhaled his exhale, as if they were two parts of one whole. “Do you have any idea how much this sucks for me, knowing I can’t be with you?”
She sighed. “I know, for me too.”
A tear met his palm. He closed his eyes against an inner agony. “God, don’t. Or I’ll drag you under the bleachers and be forced to make love to you until you’re smiling again.”
“That’s what I wish we could do,” she said breathlessly.
“But that would go nowhere. We both know it.” He wanted to make love to her so badly his whole body throbbed.
“No, it wouldn’t. It can’t. I’ve…made my choice,” she ended on a low whisper.
The shudder that seized his lungs proved unlike any emotion he’d ever known. She was perfection in his arms, but he couldn’t touch her. He couldn’t have her. Taking a sharp look at his feelings, he wondered, is that what made her so perfect? Was he destined to desire women who’d never belong to him?
“I think you’re amazing,” he said, stuffing all his desires down deep, alongside the pile of his regrets. “And brave for the choices you’ve made.”
“I think the same of you. And I’m sorry it can’t work between us.”
“The story of my life.” He opened his eyes and withdrew his forehead from hers. “You’re not the first.”
“Who was?” she asked, sliding her arm through his and resting her head against his shoulder.
“Some girl from a long time ago, I barely remember her name. But most recently, Makayla.”
She nodded. “Who can compete with a nine-year-old cutie pie?”
He expelled a humorless laugh. “You never stood a chance.”
Removing her arm from his she clenched her chocolate stained napkin in her hand. “I hate to do this, but we’re supposed to be at Cade’s penthouse for dinner in an hour.”
“Let’s hit the road.” He stood and his joints creaked and popped like he was a hundred years old. Days like today, he felt it. Old before his time.
If he wanted a good life with a good woman, he didn’t have a lot of time left to find her. The military had taken his best years, and he’d given them gladly. He’d done it to keep soft, sweet souls like Lindsey’s safe from the horrors of what happened beyond their country’s borders.
But sometimes…
Sometimes he wished he wasn’t so damaged. Sometimes he wanted to be more than a medal or the sum of his deeds. He wanted to be more than enough.
*
“So what do you think?” Kylie asked with breathless excitement.
Lindsey wanted to share her sister’s enthusiasm, really she did. But they’d made a pact long ago not to bring up She Who Will Not Be Named—their mother.
With a shrug, Lindsey said hesitantly, “If you think this is what you need to do…”
“It’s what I was born to do,” Kylie replied with undaunted belief.
“Then yes. Of course you should pursue our stepfather for our mother’s murder.” If only the words didn’t leave a bitter, metallic taste in her mouth like blood.
Kylie clasped Lindsey’s hands. “I knew you’d want justice as desperately as I do.”
The stunning, museum-like surroundings of Cade Soren’s penthouse seemed the wrong place to discuss something as ugly as murder. The problem was, Lindsey thought, she didn’t feel the same as Kylie. She wanted to lay the past to rest along with their mother’s body—a woman who’d callously abandoned her family to further her social standing and pad her bank account.
What Kylie didn’t seem to understand was Lindsey had let it go. Lindsey didn’t care about their mother, or her killer. She was satisfied that Daddy had raised them well—with Kylie filling in the blanks a mother should’ve—and had zero desire to pursue justice on behalf of the woman who’d left them without a second glance. Lindsey barely remembered what their mother looked like, except for seeing occasional snapshots of her mother dancing in a skimpy costume and pluming feathers onstage. The woman hadn’t possessed a maternal bone in her body.
However, once Kylie latched onto a mystery, she refused to let it go. That’s what had brought Kylie and her fiancée Cade together in the first place. Cade’s father Jacob Soren had been a cold case file Kylie had needed to solve, probably as a way to soothe herself for not helping to solve their mother’s cold case murder.
But Lindsey understood Kylie’s good intentions, even if she didn’t agree with them, and pasted on a smile on her sister’s behalf. “It’s great that you can turn your passion toward solving our mother’s case.”
Kylie beamed. “Once Cade and I testified in the Ramos trial, I knew I couldn’t stop there.”
Therein lay the problem. Kylie would never stop pursuing cold cases, convinced she could solve them all and bring justice to the families. Justice their family had never received.
Lindsey didn’t want justice. As far as she was concerned, their mother had run into Karma on a bad day. No love lost. She wanted to leave the past where it belonged. “Of course you’ll find Mom’s killer. I always knew it was Kenneth. We both did.” She refused to reveal her true thoughts, because she’d never squash her sister’s long-held dream. “Follow your heart. Do what you think is right,” she encouraged.
Wearing a determined expression, Kylie nodded. “Enough about Mom, and future plans with me and Cade. What about you? Have you decided on the donor?”
“I have,” Lindsey said, not as thrilled as she’d hoped to be to share the news with her sister.
“Okay, let me guess.” Her sister’s eyes twinkled. “Tall, dark, handsome and brooding.”
“None of the above,” Lindsey admitted with a sigh. “He’s blonde, blue-eyed, average height, and very smart. He’s a doctor.”
“Oh.” Kylie frowned. “But you’ve always gone for the opposite type.”
You mean like Slone? “I know, but this isn’t about the type of guy I like. I’m not picking out a date—I’m selecting my child’s future. It isn’t about what I like.”
“Why not?”
Frustrated emotionally and sexually, Lindsey didn’t need her sister pressuring her further about the issue. “I’ve made up my mind, okay?” She flicked a glance at Slone and then stared down at her tightly clenched hands. “Can we just leave it at that?”
Far too perceptive with her sisterly intuition, Kylie leaned in. “The doctor isn’t who you really want to have a baby with.” The observation hit the mark and Lindsey squirmed. “Does Slone know?”
“No.” She grabbed her sister’s arm. “And he can’t know. Don’t you dare say a word to him.”
Kylie glanced at her with a startled expression.
&nb
sp; “It doesn’t matter anyway. I called the clinic and made the arrangements. I go in for my prep appointment tomorrow afternoon, when I’m finished with my day volunteering at the library. The ultrasound will show how many follicles are viable. Next week it’ll be a done deal.”
“What if you don’t get pregnant on the first try?”
“I have to.” Tears lined Lindsey’s lashes. “If it doesn’t take, I don’t think I could go through it again.”
With an all-knowing look, Kylie patted her hand. “You mean, you don’t know if you and Slone can keep your hands off each other for another month.”
Lindsey ducked her chin sheepishly. “Something like that.”
“Oh, sweetie. I saw the chemistry between you two at the Halloween party. Here it is, the first week of December, and you’ve shut in together under the same roof all this time. I’m shocked you have managed to stay out of each other’s beds this long.”
“Shhh! He can’t know about our discussion.”
“You realize he’s glanced over at you several times in the past ten minutes, studying your expressions. I think he knows,” her sister said dryly.
Lindsey’s shoulders slumped. “We kissed today. Twice.”
“Was it good?”
“Amazing,” Lindsey said miserably.
Kylie chewed on her lower lip in thought. “This may be unorthodox, but would you consider asking him to be the father?”
“Of course I’ve considered it. But that would bring up a whole new host of problems and legalities.”
“How do you know unless you ask?”
Lindsey shrugged. “That’s a life-altering question with far-reaching consequences. I only have a week.”
“Slone is a thoughtful, confident man. The type who can make life-changing decisions quickly and stand by them. He was a Navy SEAL.”
“I know. I don’t know, maybe. I’ll think about it.”
Kylie smiled kindly at her. “Don’t take too long, or you’ll both run out of time. Hey, this could be fate intervening, bringing you two together at the exact right time.”
The Bodyguard's Baby (Billionaire Bodyguard Series) Page 6
