by Jeff Kinney
seemed to me that there was nowhere to go but UP.
99
Wednesday
I probably could’ve slept for fourteen hours, but
I was awake at the crack of dawn because of the
racket a bunch of tropical birds were making right
outside my window.
When I got out of bed, Mom was already awake.
She said Dad spent all night in the bathroom
and that we needed to leave so he could catch up
on his sleep.
I was definitely ready for a fresh start, so I
put on my bathing suit and headed for the door.
But Mom said me and Rodrick needed to make our
beds and straighten up the room.
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I reminded Mom that we were on vacation, and
the maid service would handle that for us. But she
said that we weren’t gonna live like ANIMALS
just because we were on vacation.
I told Mom that the best part of being on
vacation was having someone else clean up after
you, but Mom said that this week we were gonna
clean up after OURSELVES. Then she put the
“Do Not Disturb” sign on the door so the maid
wouldn’t even come into the room.
101
I asked Mom how we were supposed to get clean
towels and sheets, and she said we’d wash them in
the bathroom sinks, the same way we were washing
our clothes.
So Mom wasn’t joking around about us doing our own
laundry. In fact, Manny was in the sink scrubbing
a pair of Dad’s underwear, and I’m pretty sure he
was using Rodrick’s toothbrush to do it.
Personally, I think the best thing about staying
in a hotel is getting clean towels and sheets every
day. But Mom said hotels go through a ton of
laundry detergent, and if we reused our towels and
sheets, we’d be saving the environment.
102
That’s when I noticed there were cards all over
the bathroom that made you feel guilty about
asking for clean stuff.
Mom said we should all head down to the beach,
but I wanted to hang back and take a shower.
The truth is I wanted to take my TIME in
there, and I knew if she was in the suite, she’d
hassle me about using too much hot water.
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What was crazy about the shower was that it was
completely open to the outdoors. It took a minute
to get USED to that, because I was worried
someone might peek over the wall.
I guess there are people who are comfortable
being naked right out in the open, but trust me,
I’m not one of them.
I don’t think it’s right that you’re BORN
naked, because right away you’re put in an
embarrassing situation.
104
Once I got used to this open-air shower thing,
though, I was ADDICTED. The shower had
all these different settings, like “pulse” and
“massage.” I tried out every single one, but
“rainfall” was probably my favorite.
I must’ve stayed in there for forty-five minutes.
When I was done, I stepped out of the shower
and put on my robe. But when I tried to put on
my right slipper, there was something blocking
my foot.
105
I held the slipper up and shook it, and a giant
SPIDER dropped out.
This was no ORDINARY spider, though. That
thing was as big as my HAND. When it fell to
the floor, I climbed up on the sink so I wasn’t
on the same level as it.
106
I’ve had a thing about spiders ever since I was
seven years old. One summer when I was in our
garage, I found something in the corner that
looked like a cotton ball, and I poked it with a
broom handle.
Well, it wasn’t a cotton ball. It was an EGG SAC,
and it was filled with thousands of baby SPIDERS.
When I started school in the fall, the teacher had
us fill out worksheets where one of the questions
was what we wanted to be when we grew up.
Everybody wrote “astronaut” and “veterinarian” and
and stuff like that. But not ME.
107
Nowadays, whenever I see a spider, it takes me
right back to when I was seven. I don’t even like
READING about spiders.
I’ll tell you this—if I were one of the characters
in “Charlotte’s Web,” it would’ve been a very
short book.
108
I figured with MY luck, the giant spider on
the bathroom floor was VENOMOUS. I’ve
read that some spiders bite their prey, then
wrap them up so they can eat them alive, which
does NOT sound like a whole lot of fun.
For some reason, the spider wasn’t making a move.
Either it thought it was camouflaged on the marble
floor and I couldn’t SEE it, or it was trying to
figure out what to do next, just like I was.
I thought about throwing my slipper at it, but I
was nervous I might miss and make it MAD. And
even if I DID hit it, the slipper probably wouldn’t
have done any damage to this thing.
109
I called out for Dad to come help me, but all
I got back was a weak groan from his bedroom.
That’s when I remembered the PHONE. I dialed
911
, but I just got some prerecorded message.
The phone had all these other buttons, but none
of the options were a great fit for the situation
I was in. So I pressed the one for “Room
Service,” because I figured that was close enough.
110
A lady answered, and I told her about the spider
problem and how I needed her to send someone
QUICK. But either I was talking too fast or
there was some language confusion, because all she
kept asking for was my BREAKFAST order.
Eventually, I gave up and just ordered scrambled
eggs and a side of bacon. I honestly didn’t care
WHAT it took to get someone to come, as long as
they came FAST.
When I hung up the phone, the noise jolted the
spider, which ran across the floor and stopped
right in front of the sink.
Now this thing was even CLOSER, and I was
too scared to move.
111
I stood frozen for about fifteen minutes, barely
breathing. But then the phone rang, and the sound
surprised me so much I almost lost my balance.
It was the room service waiter. He said he had
come to our suite to deliver my food, but there
was a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door, so he
turned around and went back to the kitchen.
112
I told him to come BACK to the room and that he
had permission to kick down the door if he wanted.
When I hung up the phone, the spider started
running around again, and I was worried it was
gonna figure out where I was and come get me.
I looked around to see if there was anything I
could use to DEFEND myself, but the only thing
; within arm’s reach was a glass on the sink.
I realized that if the spider came close enough,
I might be able to TRAP it. Sure enough, it ran
right beneath me. And when it did, I managed
to drop the glass on top of it.
113
The spider wriggled around inside the glass, but it
couldn’t get OUT. I got down off the sink real
slow and backed out of the bathroom, keeping one
eye on the spider. But when I turned to leave, I
smashed right into the WAITER.
All the noise got the spider moving again, and
it took the glass WITH it. At first I wasn’t
worried, because it was still trapped inside. Then
it crawled over the DRAIN where the floor
dipped down a little, and that gave it just
enough space to wiggle OUT.
That’s when I found out the room service guy had
the same problem with spiders that I did.
I knew it was up to me to deal with this thing,
so I tried to trap it with the cover for the food.
But the spider was zigzagging all OVER the
place, and it wasn’t easy.
115
Finally, I caught the spider by pinning it against
the wall. I didn’t really know what to do NEXT,
because the second I lifted the food cover, that
thing was gonna be off and running again.
Then I noticed that one of the spider’s legs was
sticking halfway out from under the lid.
I tried to move the lid to cover the whole spider,
but I guess I pressed too hard, because the leg
fell OFF.
The spider dropped onto the floor, and now it
was going NUTS. I was running around on my
tiptoes, trying to make sure I didn’t get BIT.
Then the spider made a HUGE mistake. It climbed
onto the rim of the toilet, and I knocked it in
the bowl with my slipper and slammed the lid shut.
Then the room service guy finished it off.
I gotta say, the two of us made a pretty good
team. And if I ever DO start that exterminator
business, I might have to look this guy up.
117
After my encounter with the spider, I was
pretty eager to get out of the room. I grabbed
the map of the resort to find my way to the
beach, but I got lost and ended up at the wall
that separates the two sides.
I guess I understand why they’d wanna keep
kids off the other side. But if you ask me, it kind
of seemed like overkill.
118
I started to wonder if the room keys were
actually tracking devices. That way, if any kids
snuck over, they could put a stop to it.
When I got to the beach, it was PACKED with
families. I decided the real reason the wall was
built was to protect the couples on the OTHER
side from seeing what was happening on OUR side.
Because if they knew what they were in for, there’s
no CHANCE they’d have kids of their own.
Mom had rented one of those covered cabanas for
our family to share. I wasn’t crazy about the idea
of sharing a BED with the rest of my family. But
I talked myself into it, because at least I’d be
out of the sun.
120
I remembered the beach cabanas from the video
they played on the shuttle bus. They showed some
couple having a romantic time watching the sun set.
Well, maybe that’s how it was on the OTHER
side of the resort, but on OURS, it was a
whole different story.
121
Mom told me and Rodrick she was taking Manny
to the bathroom and that we needed to stay in
the cabana. Mom said she got the last one and if
we gave it up, somebody else would grab it.
One of the families that was waiting was WAY
overdressed for the beach. I recognized the older
kid from the Treasure Dive the day before. I
guess nobody told these people you’re not supposed
to wear winter clothes in ninety-degree weather.
This family looked like they could really use some
shade, and I felt kind of guilty. So I tried not to
make eye contact.
122
Eventually, Mom and Manny came back, and Manny
ran off to collect seashells.
Mom broke out the sunscreen and started putting
it on me and Rodrick. I was glad Dad wasn’t
there, because he always gets mad when Mom does
things for us that he thinks we should be able to
do for OURSELVES.
I actually think this is all part of Mom’s plan.
I figure she doesn’t want us to become too
independent, because then we won’t NEED her
later on. I do think it could BACKFIRE on
Mom, though.
123
Because if things keep going the way they’re
going now, there’s a good chance me and Rodrick
will go off to college not even knowing how to clip
our own toenails.
This is one of the ways animals are different from
people. In school I learned that once a bear cub
is about a year and a half old, its mother sends it
out into the wild to take care of itself.
124
But human beings live with their parents for
