He was nuzzling her neck and breathed in deeply, as if sniffing her hair. “I missed you so much. It’s been a really long time, Jessie. I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Please...”
He rarely needed anything from her. Their relationship was based on her needing things from him. It worked for Jessie like a mild aphrodisiac for Will to need her. She stroked his hair and opened her legs so his body could rest over hers.
“Okay, soldier, since you asked so nicely.”
He leaned back enough to smile into her eyes. “Are you just doing it for me?”
She shrugged. “So what if I am? If I tell you it’s fine, it is.”
“What if it’s a little better than fine? The truck wasn’t exactly a place to be very good.”
She smiled. “That was good. Seeing you happy is always good for me.”
“Well, that's not good enough for me. I think I know a few ways to make it good for you too…”
****
“I can get a few weeks off for my injuries.”
“You’re going to reinjure yourself if you don’t stop manhandling me. But how many is a few?”
They lay together on their bed, under their covers, for the first time ever. He wrapped his body around hers, placing his hands on her stomach. She might have died of the sheer heavenly feel of him. “Enough to go on a vacation.”
She sat up. “What!?”
He chuckled and sat up with her. “I was thinking, shouldn’t we take a vacation together? We never have.”
She stared at her toes. Vacation. Such a simple, innocent word. It meant relaxation, swimming, sunbathing, hotels… It also evoked the cover story of what they were doing in Mexico: vacationing and simply flying home. Mexico, where she was bound and gagged. Where three men stared at her naked and dirty body. Where they…
“Jessie? Where did you go just then?”
Not now. It was something she finally managed to do, but could not always. She could usually shake off the images and postpone the ensuing emotions for later. They always came back, but sometimes, not as strong. Or at the wrong moments. She turned closer into Will. Now he was alive. That’s all that mattered. None of the rest mattered. Even if it did, it didn’t have to anymore. She smiled. “A vacation, huh? Do you think we could really hope to pull that off?”
“I really think we deserve it. Actually… what if we made it our honeymoon? The real thing this time? We get re-married and take the honeymoon we never got to enjoy.”
She stared at her hands. “We didn’t get to do a lot of things.”
“I know that. This time, we get it all. What about it, Jessie? Will you marry me again? For real?”
She shook her head. “Wh-what if you don’t like being with me? I mean for real. Where there are no outside pressures, drama or trauma. What if the reality of me isn’t what you expect? What if we find ‘ordinary,’ and it’s not what you want?”
“What if it is what I want? I want you. And whatever that entails. Come off it, Jessie. There is no guarantee for any couple; everyone takes a chance. I believe ours is better than most. We started in the worst place, but hopefully, can switch it around to end up in the best.”
“I’m still not…”
He suddenly stood up and dropped to her side of the bed, taking her hand in his and staring into her eyes. “I love you. Will you marry me?”
She bit her lip. “You’re naked.”
“You’re unsure about me. I want you to be sure. I want you to be sure for the rest of your life.”
“You left me. You didn’t think I could handle being in a real relationship with you and the Army.”
“I think I was wrong.”
She slowly smiled. “I know you were wrong. Okay, Will Hendricks, I will marry you. For real this time.”
“And take a honeymoon with me?”
“Yes. How are we getting married?”
“However you want. That is, if you will.”
The hesitation made her heart skip. “Yes, I will. I want to more than anything.”
“Then however, and wherever you want. You choose it all this time, not Fuck-face.”
“Fuck-face? Being my father?”
“Not your father. The general, who, from here forward, is known only as Fuck-face.”
She smiled. “I would like to do it simple. And I don’t want to wear a wedding dress. I want it to be easy and casual, to reflect who I am now, and not who we tried to be the first time.”
“Just make it soon. We don’t have forever…”
He crawled back into bed next to her. His last statement put a damper on the mood. She sighed, “Will we ever have forever? Will there ever be a time we can be together and take as long as we want to do things?”
“We have forever, now. We just have to deal with some things in between. Everyone has to work, Jess. Mine’s just a little more intrusive.”
“A little?” she grumbled, as she shook her head. “Forget I said that. Here’s me smiling. We get to be married sooner. We get to be in the military. I’m happy about that.”
“One year, nine months, and nine days. That’s how long we get to be in the military.”
“Less than two years?”
He nodded and held her gaze. “Less than two years.”
She nodded her head, “I can do anything for less than two years.”
He smiled and drew her closer to him suddenly. “That’s what I’m counting on.”
****
“How are you today?” Jessie squeezed the phone and shut her eyes. Lindsey’s tone was soft and kind. Tears pricked her eyes, but Jessie wasn’t sure why. It was nothing new. Her father’s presence still loomed over her life, and knowing he was dead hadn’t really registered in her brain yet.
“I’m okay. How about you?”
“I’m okay too.” Lindsey was quiet for a long, drawn-out moment. “No, that’s not true. But I guess there really isn’t a thing to do to change the reality of what our father was. It’s a tough, bitter pill for me to swallow. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel so stupid for how I believed in him. But I’ll be okay. I’m just really, really tired. And the local media is all over me. Are they bothering you?”
“No, I don’t think they know where Will and I are. I don’t think they even know Will is in the country, or that I’m back in North Carolina. No one ever figured out I was in Washington State. As far as the media is concerned, I fell off the planet. I hope now, it stays that way.”
Lindsey blew out a breath. “I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me. I’d rather have me deal with it than you two. You deserve some time together. You deserve some peace. How’s Will?”
“Asleep. He’s still not totally well. And he—“
“Had too much physical exertion last night?”
The laugh that escaped her lips was nice. Normal. After the freaky, surreal circumstances of the last day. “Something like that.”
“And it’s… okay for you?”
“Yes. Better than it used to be. I mean, better even than before Mexico. Things were never good for me.”
Lindsey was quiet. “I’m glad, Jessie. You can’t imagine how happy that makes me.”
“Actually, I can.”
Lindsey cleared her throat. “So, after you left I got a lot more information about the general. Do you want to hear it? I-I know more about what happened to you.”
Jessie’s heart clenched. She shut her eyes as if it could keep the images at bay. “I don’t want to hear it. Not now, Lindsey. Maybe not ever. Tell Will. I’ll ask him if I ever want to know.”
“I’ll call him next week. And I guess the general wanted to be cremated. I never knew that about him.”
Opening her eyes she stared absently at the wall. She could hear the general’s voice as clearly as the wind chimes rattling outside the window. “You’re a lazy, ugly slut. How do you find any guys to even touch you? You’re contaminated. You’re so bad. They smell it on you. They all know how bad you are. Why do you think this keeps h
appening to you? I’ll bet you—” By “this,” he meant his friends who regularly touched her, breathed on her, sweated on her, heaved into her, and hurt her.
She shut her eyes. “I don’t want him. Not even his cold ashes,” she said in a fierce tone.
Lindsey let out a deep breath into the phone, before she replied. “I figured as much. What should we do?”
“Nothing. Let them do whatever they decide.”
Lindsey was silent. “It seems wrong not to care more.”
“To you, maybe. Not to me. He was wrong. Everything that he did to me was wrong.”
“Okay, Jessie. Okay. We’ll just… let him go.”
“Thank you. When will Elliot be home? You must be going crazy out there all alone. Do you want me to come over? Or do you want to come here?”
“I appreciate it, sis. But no. You two need to be alone. I’m okay. As you said before, none of it is new, he’s just dead.”
“That’s pretty new,” Jessie crossed the barren, sparsely furnished living room and flopped on the couch. “It’s harder to process today than it was yesterday. It’s hard to picture him dead. I never thought he’d be forever truly gone from my life.” She was silent before she admitted, “It’s the best news of my life.”
“Then, just concentrate on Will. Let the general stay dead. You’ve grieved enough.”
She blew out a long breath. “I’m trying. Will said he wants to get remarried, and take a honeymoon.”
Lindsey squealed so loud, Jessie had to hold the phone away from her ear, but it didn’t stop the huge grin from splitting her face in two. Finally, at the excitement from her sister, Jessie’s heart rate increased as if fueled by Lindsey’s joy, and she could finally believe it was something real. Something that was going to happen.
“Oh, Jessie! I can’t tell you how happy that makes me for you. That is the best news I think I’ve heard, besides Will being alive, since ever!”
“Will never dreamed I’d been told he was missing. Since I was not married to him, there was no notification to me required. At least next time, he’ll know, I know he’s missing or injured.”
Lindsey groaned into the phone. “Oh my God! Stop it. There won’t be a next time. Don’t do this today, Jessie. Don’t go negative and cynical. That is not the reason Will Hendricks wants to marry you, and you know it. I’ll tell you what, in a few weeks, when Will goes back and you have to start living real life again, I’ll listen to it. But not today. Today is the day you start your life with the man you feared dead, and the man you love. Today is the day you are free of the man who abused you for over a decade. Today is the day, Jessie, so that is all I want to hear from you.”
“Okay, okay! I hear you. I won’t be cynical. I’m getting married, and for real this time.”
“For real this time,” Lindsey mimicked, her tone nearly in awe, and almost the same as what echoed in Jessie’s head.
Jessie glanced out the window. “His place is as depressing as ever. I feel like I’m sitting in the gynecologist’s office waiting for my yearly.”
“Why don’t you change that? It’s your home too now. No more holding pattern. No more visiting.”
“I need to get some of my stuff. Find a job. I can’t sit around here. I can already feel it will make me crazy. I spent so long sitting here, doing nothing, while dreading everything.”
“Everything is different this time. Don’t forget to act it. Demand it. Embrace it.”
She smiled. “It’s easier having you like me than hating me.”
“It’s even nicer to like you and not hate you.”
“Will you call me if you need me?”
“I will. We have a wedding to plan. I’ll see you soon.”
She hung up from her sister and rose before rifling around the kitchen. Nothing. There were a few canned goods and boxes of noodles, and some condiments in the fridge, but nothing else. She sighed. She refused to spend their life together like living in a bunker again.
****
Will stared into the mirror and grimaced at his reflection. The bruises on his face were tinged with a sickly hue and starting to spread over his face. His arm hurt and his stomach felt jittery.
Why, then, did he feel like whistling? He never felt so energized, or so alive in his entire life. Escaping death and illness, while finding Jessie unharmed, did a lot to raise his mood.
He stared at his razor as he lifted it to his face and started to shave. He needed to dump it. He switched to electric when Jessie was with him. But after she was gone, he returned to disposable razors. He liked the cleaner shave. But now he thought he’d better discreetly throw them out.
Shouldn’t he?
He didn’t know. She was acting fine. Good. Great. With only a few wary moments where he wasn’t sure what was ticking in her brain. She sometimes seemed like an unpinned grenade to him, which she’d find unflattering if he told her. But it was true. He never knew if something might set her off. He never could totally predict how her mood would be. He could never feel completely confident she could control the disastrous urges that used to ruin her, and made him unable to imagine being with her.
With a sigh, he rinsed the razor. He started to grab the pack and wrap them in toilet paper to hide the packaging, but stopped after three wraps. She hadn’t cut herself. She thought he was probably dead, yet she did not cut herself. That, more than anything else he could think of, was a pretty substantial test of where she was now.
And what was he doing? Hiding the razors? She could buy more. Or use scissors. He caught her using a sharpened pencil once. He sighed, removing the toilet paper and setting the unused razors back in the medicine cabinet. He had to trust her. He wasn’t going to be here all the time. He had to know what to expect when he was deployed next. He fisted his hand on the sink. He’d damn well deal with it and her better this time. He’d find a way. After how long it took them to get here; he’d find a damn way.
It was time they created some happier memories between them instead of only having all that to deal with, think about and get over. Now it was time to have shared memories. Of fun. Of normal. Of all the silly, couple-like things they never enjoyed before.
It was late morning, but he was still not up to normal. He flexed his fingers. His arm was sore, but mostly fine. He sensed he was feeling better than he should have been simply for the circumstances he was now in. Jessie was okay. Her father was dead. And she was happy to be with him.
He found her unloading groceries in the kitchen. She was dressed in a pair of summery shorts and a shirt. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She had little or no makeup on and hummed as she put what looked like every day, normal groceries away: milk, fruit, yogurt, bread, crackers, cookies, and it went on. Things any normal couple might have in their kitchen. Things they never had before. They never set up a household like other couples, so mundane, boring, and ordinary, were truly a stop-his-heart, freaking miracle to behold.
She swung around when she heard him. A shy, sweet smile turned the corners of her lips up. She swiped an errant piece of hair and tucked it behind her ear, and stood up straighter.
He stepped forward. A strange, electric current zapped through him and raised the hairs on his skin. She held his gaze, and he held hers. They didn’t move. It was like the first moment they ever really saw each other. Her gaze caressed his face, taking in his bruised features.
She licked her lips and twisted her hands. Finally, hesitantly she said, “This feels... weird.”
“Yeah, it really does,” he agreed, tapping his finger against his thigh.
She cleared her throat, but their eyes were still fastened on each other. She finally whispered, “Why do I suddenly feel nervous with you?”
“I was thinking the same thing. Maybe because it’s the first morning we’ve ever just… had.”
“Do you think it will be the first of many?”
He released a breath and finally grinned. “I think it will become so easy, familiar and normal, that we’ll
soon take each other for granted and never again think it’s any big deal.”
She finally smiled, stepped forward and touched his cheek. “I can’t wait to take you for granted.”
He opened his arms and she suddenly clung to him, her face against his chest. She was so small and vulnerable. Anytime he held her, his overwhelming feelings of protectiveness almost choked him. He loved her for so long, yet it felt different this morning. Loving Jessie usually felt like a far off mirage, a pond deep in the desert that he hoped, prayed, and longed for a glimpse of. But, this, holding Jessie in their apartment, felt like he suddenly landed right next to Lake Erie.
He loved her for so long with a sense of helplessness, it nearly incapacitated him. He detested failure, and not being able to accomplish whatever he set his mind to. But with Jessie he couldn’t fix even one thing that was done to her. He couldn’t eradicate the pain she had inside of her. He never believed he couldn’t do things until he fell in love with Jessie. It was the opposite of what most people probably felt about falling in love. For him, it was not a good thing. Loving her before meant finding the broken pieces of a shattered vase scattered all around him. It was like trying to locate all the pieces and glue them back together with Scotch tape, which didn’t hold too well. And he knew it. He had no clue how to help her, fix her, or even make her have a good day. So loving Jessie had never really been a good or positive part of his life.
The problem was: it was also the only true, real and deep emotion he’d ever experienced. He couldn’t shake it, forget it or get over it. It grew worse. It began to choke him, and panic him. Until the last week of his captivity, when he was face-down in a darkened cell, pretending to be sicker than he really was, all he could picture was Jessie. Jessie hurt. Jessie crying. Jessie bleeding. He worried about what she’d do when she heard of his death. He was not delusional, he knew she loved him. He was the only one she ever let touch her. It wasn’t his ego, but simply a fact. He never felt as impotent as he did then. Not even when he confronted Jessie’s pain, cutting, nightmares and self-loathing. He could deal with all that.
He just didn’t realize it until the fucking moment he was held captive by terrorists who wanted to kill him. It was then that he discovered what he couldn’t face: living his life without Jessie. No matter what that life entailed. If she were miserable and cut herself everyday for the rest of their lives together, then he intended to be by her side, drying her blood if necessary. He’d had enough. He stayed away. He went away. And he truly believed he wasn’t the best thing for her. He was the face of Mexico to her. A living, breathing reminder of what happened to her. He witnessed it. There was nothing that could eradicate that, not even the love they found.
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 3
