She sighed and leaned into his chest. He really scared her when he said things like that. There was so much that could go wrong for them. So much she could do that would destroy them. She ruined so much in her life; how could she not destroy this?
****
They left Disneyland for Huntington Beach, where the world disappeared for them. Their small, condo was self-equipped so they hibernated. They walked on the beach and stared at the ocean at sunset. They walked on the pier and let the sunshine dry out their souls. They lived the life that most normal, happy couples enjoy at some point. They lived for each other. They talked and were silent. They had sex. They cuddled. They were, for once, merely in love, a couple spending time together.
Jessie finally understood that happiness wasn’t really a supernova. It was actually kind of a regular thing. It popped up at the oddest times, the nicest times, and even occurred during sex. It was seeing Will grinning at her over a cup of coffee in a small little café as the sunlight streamed in the windows and they watched the colorful variety of southern Californians heading to the beach. It came with sand in her toes and Will trying, rather ineptly, to fly a kite while the ten-year-old behind him managed to accomplish it better and faster. It was seeing Will as he looked on, perplexed over what he was doing wrong. It happened when he was inside her and he reached up to grasp her face in his hands while staring into her eyes as if she were the last breathing woman alive on earth, and he had to make sure she knew she was his.
It came when he simply tugged her hand, pulling her toward him and hugging her.
It came because she refused to allow her pain to build a wall between them. It came when she simply let herself stand there, today, now, and accept whatever happened to her.
The thing was: nothing good ever lasted for Jessie, so she never learned to simply trust in the “now” and believe when good was real. Finally, with Will, it was.
****
As the plane touched down, and North Carolina returned to her eyesight, she sighed. Home. She bit her lip as they returned home where real life awaited. Life that needed to be relearned together. The life she had to make sure didn’t destroy both of them.
Will reported back to base, while she tried to add more personality to the apartment. But it felt like dressing a whore in respectable clothes while still working the trade; she just didn’t like the apartment. For too long she was huddled inside it, afraid, weak, needy and scared. Too many times, she bled out in the tiny bathroom. Too many times, she pictured Will walking out the door and leaving her again.
The first night Will walked in after work, he burst through the door with a grin, yelling out, “Honey, I’m home. What’s for dinner?”
She tried in vain to fill her day, and made an actual meal for him, something she’d only done a few times in their brief history. She was happy she did it when he grabbed her in a huge hug as he eyed the meal simmering on the stove. At the same moment, he seemed obviously surprised she actually prepared something for dinner. He nuzzled her neck, muttering how he missed her. She tried to inquire politely about his day and he waved her off with nothing new, same old. She wondered if he understood his job was never the same old. And how she worried that someday, not going to a job that required him to dodge bullets and bombs would bore him to the point he’d hate her for making him leave it. She clamped her anxiety down. Now. He was here now, and that’s all that mattered.
He let her go briefly and turned, but came back with a plastic bag from which he pulled out stuff before setting it on the counter.
“I have something for you.”
He often brought things for her, which shocked her senses. He came home with odd things, little things she mentioned, or asked for, and some she didn’t even think of. Yet, he made every effort to get them for her.
She stepped closer to see what he had. He pulled out three calendars: one big one and two small ones.
He took the big one and pinned it to the wall right over the phone. Taking out a marker, he scratched off the dates until he got to the present day. He stepped back, nodding as if in approval.
“What are you doing?”
“Five-year calendars. I marked the day I finish active duty. I have one, you have one and we share one.”
Her heart expanded in her chest. “And we can mark the days off?”
He grinned as if to say exactly! “Countdown to when we’re free, Jessie-girl.”
She picked up the small one and flipped through until she found THE date, which she touched with her fingertip. “This will be a good day,” she said quietly.
He turned and picked her up, setting her on the counter, and leaning in to kiss her soundly. “We will have plenty of good days until then. That’s a target. Not the entire destination. We will have a good life until then. We are not in a holding pattern until then; got it?”
She giggled and saluted. Only Will Hendricks had the ability to make her giggle as he leaned on the counter, his arms on each side of her, trapping her in. “Aye, aye, Captain.”
With a growl, he grabbed her and started for the small bedroom. She squealed, “The dinner!”
He lowered her to the bed with a gleam in his eye, “Dinner will still be there.” He kissed her and his hands started unbuttoning her shirt.
****
A few weeks passed, which were decent. She was ecstatic when Will got home. Each and every night, he came home and her heart simply raced, making her blood thrash inside her veins. Will was coming home to her! It was an excitement she could never explain to anyone who never experienced having a loved one go off to war. She appreciated it in ways she could not understand. She appreciated him so much. She made sure she was always dressed, her makeup on nice, but subtle, and her hair brushed until it glistened. She cooked a different meal every night. She started early, so if she screwed it up, she had time to fix it. She shopped and made sure Will never wanted for anything. She bought odds and ends that warmed up the apartment and their lives. When he walked in the door each evening, she was smiling, happy, and well-groomed. The apartment soon reflected those attributes too. She exercised religiously too in an effort to keep her weight down. Something that used to be easy for her no longer was. She dieted just so Will didn’t notice. She could not get fat again. She wasn’t as skinny as she used to be, but in better shape than the fat girl he found in Washington state. He tried to convince her she wasn’t, but she knew better.
She began a routine; she had to. Her emotions made her stomach roil, and being back there with Will returning to his routine, or as much as the Army allowed. He went to work and she was simply there. She called Lindsey a lot, as well as Noah, asking about work. She missed the animals most of all. They always made her feel better. They calmed her, and she liked giving them care.
She was bored out of her mind. Each morning, she woke up alone and groaned at the lump of cement that hit her chest when she realized it would be close to ten hours before the day would grow tolerable; and Will came home. But that was enough. More than enough. To look forward to seeing and spending the evening with Will was more than she ever dreamed she’d have. So she made it as perfect as she could.
She was floundering a bit. It was very hard to have so many hours spent alone with nothing and no one to break it up, while occupying the very place that she was once nearly incinerated in. She was back to lying low in the apartment; but this time in order to avoid drawing attention to herself from the media. Still it felt a lot like when she used to huddle there in extreme, debilitating depression.
She called Lindsey a lot, but Lindsey was often at the base too. A place she refused to go. She hated it. It made her stomach turn and her fingers itch to dig into her skin, so she avoided it. Still, it was hard to be so happy sometimes, and others so not.
****
“What the fuck was that?” Will whispered into her ear. They had just stepped away from her sister’s front door after Lindsey shut it. She giggled and put her finger to his lips to shush him until they got awa
y from Lindsey’s house.
She liked Lindsey’s small, neat rambler the first time she saw it. But now, she didn’t like it all. Not after listening to Elliot Johanson talk about what a joke it was. And how soon they’d be getting out of there and finally living in a decent home.
They slid into the car together and let out a laugh as they met each other’s gaze. “So it wasn’t just me?”
Will shook his head as he started the car. “What an asshole!”
Jessie nodded. “I know. That was my first thought within twenty minutes of meeting him. He’s handsome, but in no time, all I could think of was a cold fish-face staring at me. I swear to you, the hairs on my arms rose.”
Will threw his head back with a laugh. “I was thinking more Rise of the Vampires. Cold fuck, isn’t he?”
“Did you see how he treated Lindsey? He had her fumbling around like she never had me in her house before. I mean, in what damn planet would Lindsey sit me down all formal-like and serve me appetizers? Me! I mean, we usually sit at the bar and scrounge around whatever food we can find. We don’t sit down to formal dinners with linen-fucking-napkins. I didn’t even recognize her. When his glass was empty, he tapped it with his finger and she jumped up, still chewing her food as she ran to fill it! Ugh! I’d smack you on the head if you tapped your empty glass at me like I was your dog, and trained to respond.”
Will smirked. “I would love to see anyone try to tell you what to do. You’d probably punch him in the gut. Not how I picture Lindsey.”
“I pictured someone fun and nice and wonderful. Like you. I mean, she did have a crush on you, right? That’s how I got you for my rescuer.” She slid a glance his way with her eyebrows raised.
Will groaned. “It was one time!”
“One time you kissed my sister, you mean?”
Shockingly, Will actually blushed. Pink rose into his cheeks. “She kissed me. And one time.”
Jessie laughed. “At one time, it nearly sent me over the deep end trying to deal with my jealousy that you liked her. But seriously, I pictured her finding someone like you. Extremely good and stable and upstanding. Not that creepy, crawly, cold fucker who watched her like he wanted to make sure she performed in a manner acceptable to him. And what a snob! Why is he in the Army? I can’t imagine him getting his pretty man-hands dirty. Will, I’m serious; I guarantee he probably had a manicure in the last week.”
Will cringed. “He’s not a fucking soldier, that’s for sure. He kinda reminds me of Fuck-face.”
Jessie sighed and stared out the window. “I know. I thought that too.”
Will took her hand. “Lindsey married him. It’s her decision. She adored Fuck-face. You know that. It’s maybe, not that surprising she’d marry someone who has his kind of cold, domineering demeanor.”
She shuddered. “I just didn’t expect it. But you’re probably right. Thank God, no one can be as bad inside as Fuck-face.”
“I don’t think Elliot liked us very much.”
Jessie nodded in agreement. “I don’t think he liked us at all.”
She stared out the window. Nothing ever stayed the same in life. Lindsey seemed different. Moving on from her, Jessie sighed. It twisted her heart to imagine. She didn’t want to go back to their mean, cold relationship of old. She wanted the warm, sister-love they shared now. But Elliot most obviously didn’t like her or Will. “Maybe he’ll grow on us.”
Will made a strangled sound. “Yeah, baby, I doubt that.”
“Me too,” she said with a sigh.
He reached over and took her hand and squeezed it. “You okay?”
“Yes, I just feel like somehow I’ve lost her a little bit. Which is normal. Sisters get married, grow up, and move on. But she’s been so much more to me than my sister for the last few years. I would not have survived those two years when you were gone without her.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “But I’m here now. You’ll survive with me.”
She turned in her seat. He slid a quick sweet smile her way before staring back at traffic. “You make up for pretty much everything.”
He made a face. “Even I’m not that good. But I’m glad to see you’re coming around.”
She laughed. Only Will could make her feel like laughing after the evening she just had.
****
Will watched Jessie at the stove in her little apron that covered the pretty slacks and blouse she wore. Her hair was combed shiny and her makeup fresh and sweet. Like every other night. She was serving up mashed potatoes, gravy and steak. He appreciated it, he really did.
But… he didn’t know what was fucking wrong with her; and he didn’t know what to say to ask her. It was, of course, good she was being so freaking nice to him. So pleasant. Her smile never left her face. Her voice always well modulated and even. Never too loud. Never too forceful. Never too opinionated. She asked about his day. His life. How he was feeling. She accepted what he could or could not tell her. She accepted anything he said or did.
It was almost like living with a freaking mannequin. It was driving him nuts. Jessie was never polite, mannerly, well modulated or without an opinion. He was tired of perfect, smiling, well-behaved, new Jessie. But how could he criticize her after living with the evil, nasty, awful Jessie? He didn’t want that again, of course, but he didn’t want this either. How could he say that to her? How could he explain she was being too nice?
He just wanted her to be Jessie.
Now she was wearing an apron? He glanced around. Everything was perfect. The apartment was always clean, organized and spotless. He was crazy neat and clean. She was not. Why now, was she?
He sighed as he sat down to her china and perfectly matched, strangely formal dinner for two that had become their daily evenings now.
Finally, after a month of her odd niceties, he found her in tears when he came in from a run. He left right after dinner, needing a little less fake happiness.
“Hey, hey,” he said coming up behind her, “What’s wrong?”
She held up his once-white shirt, now turned a kind of bluish tinge. “A blue pen got in the load of laundry.”
“Okay, that sucks. But why are you crying?”
“Because I ruined a load of laundry.”
“Uh, no, I probably had it in my pocket. So I did it. Lord, Jess, not really worth tears.” He browsed through the pile of fresh-smelling clothes she’d strewn over the bed. “The jeans are fine, blue to blue. The shirt’s a waste and I can wear underwear turned blue. Only you see them.”
She didn’t even crack a smile. He sighed and moved aside the laundry. “This has to stop.”
She frowned and wiped at her eyes. “What has to stop?”
“You acting like this.”
“Like this? It’s the first laundry I’ve ever ruined.”
“It’s not about the laundry, it’s that I haven’t seen the real you in weeks. Stop it. I know what you’re doing. That holding pattern thing you told me about with your mom and Fuck-face. You’re trying to make it all perfect while I’m here.”
She set the shirt that started all the tears down. “Well, shouldn’t it be good? We were separated for almost two-and-a-half years, with a four-week break in between. If it isn’t good now, when will it be?”
“But that doesn’t mean you having to smile and wear all the pretty, perfect clothes and being so freaking cheerful that I’m afraid to comment on anything. I can’t do this. I can’t be fake anymore. We might have our faults as a couple, but we’ve never been fake. Why are we doing that now?”
“You’re mad because we’re getting along?”
He gritted his teeth in frustration. “No, I’m mad because you’re not acting like yourself.”
Her eyebrow rose. “How would you know what I am? You missed it all. Maybe this is who I am now. I try to be a good person now. I try to be pleasant,” she said as she started gathering up the scattered clothes. “I did so because you said. Do you remember that? You didn’t like me volatile and angry. You di
dn’t know how to deal with that, so you called my sister. And your ex-wife. Now you don’t like that I’m trying to be who you want? Tell me, Will Hendricks, what exactly do you want in a woman? If it isn’t Gretchen, who you say you never really loved, and it’s not emotional, impetuous Jessie of old, then who exactly do you want?”
Her voice was still calm, low and rational.
He nearly groaned out loud. “You’re twisting that around wrong. That’s not how it is.”
“Am I? Then how do you want it?”
“I want you to simply be who you are. You’re twisting it around I want you to act natural. Not this fake way you’ve been.”
She took the wad of discolored clothes and slammed it into the trash can next to her. “Well, what are you going to do about it? Call an intervention? Get Lindsey and Gretchen here to deal with me for not being natural enough?”
He shook his head with a scowl. “Come on. That was entirely necessary and different. Of course, I’m not going to call them. I only did that because you were literally on the verge of a mental breakdown. It isn’t the same as this squabble between us.”
“Oh, honestly, it’s nice to know they aren’t going to show up at my door and do our talking for us.”
He gritted his teeth. “You’re not being fair. You know why I called them back then. You know why I left you. And it’s anything, but the simplistic situation you’re implying it was. It was never just a fight back then. It was never ‘just’ anything. You’re really not being fair, here, Jessie.”
She started to leave the room but suddenly stopped dead and turned towards him slowly. “I’m not being fair?” She finally raised her tone. “You think I’m not fair? You don’t know the meaning of the word unfair. Let me tell you about unfair. Unfair is being raped by your father’s friends. Unfair is being kidnapped by someone your father paid to take you. Unfair is being tied to a floor while strange men have sex with you. Unfair is getting better for the one man you finally want, who turns his back and leaves yet again, because you can’t deal with his job. Because his job is so important, there is no way he could compromise it. Not for this girl, who tried to offer her entire soul to him. Still not enough. She isn’t enough. And now? Now she still isn’t enough? Then what is enough, Will? When will I be enough for you, just exactly as I am?” Her voice cracked before she nearly cried out, “Well let me tell you, that is what unfair is.”
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 7
