“Jessie, when in the hell have I ever let you do anything? You let me; and if you don’t know that, then think again.”
Silence fell between them. The dog’s barks filled the afternoon as birds chirped and the occasional car passed by out front. “I can’t picture you not being a soldier,” she said finally.
His chest rose and fell under her head. “I know. To be honest? Neither can I. I’ve been one my entire adult life. I’ve been deployed more often than I’ve been at home anywhere.”
“Then how will you ever adjust to living in a little farming community in middle of nowhere?”
“Well, first, it’s a lot like the community I grew up in. Second, you’ll be there. You make all the difference.”
She shook her head on his chest. “I can’t make up for the excitement and thrills you get from the Army.”
He shrugged. “How do you know you can’t? Have you met yourself?”
She lifted her hand enough to fake-hit him. “I’m serious.”
He grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips. His tone was different when he spoke. “I am too. I know this major who’s been in close to twenty years. He’s been deployed more than nine times to Iraq and Afghanistan, at the expense of two marriages. He was telling me over a year ago about the little spread he wanted to get in Texas, where he and his dog could retire. Watch the cows. Whatever. The thing is… he has no one else. Not a damn soul in the world. No wife. No kids. No community. No friends outside of the Army, and the dog. He has the Army. That’s his life. He didn’t retire. He signed on for more. He’s tired and disillusioned, but it’s better than nothing. Well, without you, that could be me someday. I truly believe that, Jessie. I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be your husband, with an actual life, much more than I want to be an old soldier with nothing else to show for it. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade the last decade I spent there. It was what I needed then. But now? I could take it or leave it.”
Her breath came out slowly, as if she’d been holding it. “You’re really not just saying this?”
“No. I’m really not. Remember when I told you I could do anything as long as I had you?”
“Not words I’m likely to forget.”
“Well, they weren’t just pretty words to me. I meant them. If you can stick with me through this, I promise you I will take you back to Noah and your animals and everything you found and gave up for me.”
His tone was calmer and low. She closed her eyes as his words filled the dark, lonely voids that sometimes overcame her.
She could barely speak with the lump in her throat. “I promise to stick with you through anything.”
“Even the Army?”
“Even the Army.”
He sighed heavily and held her against him. His grip grew tighter around her. His fingers dug into her sides, almost like he was holding onto a lifesaving ring to keep from drowning. “Jess, you should see about finding something to do at the shelter.”
She closed her eyes tightly and didn’t want him to speak again. She had a feeling where it was going. She wanted to sit there and think about living in Washington with Will and having a job in which she was respected and liked. She wanted to picture him coming and going, secure in the knowledge he wasn’t at risk of dying twenty different ways.
“When?” she whispered, “When are you leaving?”
He kissed the side of her face and she closed her eyes and tipped her head down. “Three weeks,” he whispered softly, his lips hovering over her cheek.
“Where?”
“Africa.”
She bolted straight up in his lap. “What? Why are you going there? We’re not even really established there.”
His jaw tightened and she could sense his hesitancy. Finally, he said quietly, “A new command is being established. We’re going to be part of it.”
A shudder passed through her. “It’s not Afghanistan. Or Iraq.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Does that mean it’s safer?”
“I’d say so.”
“How long?”
“Longer than I was hoping. Think months, not weeks.”
“Is it dangerous?”
“Not like the others.”
She stared up at him for several moments, then licked her lips, nodded her head and finally turned her face into his chest. “Okay. I’ll go to the shelter tomorrow.”
He rubbed her back and squeezed her tightly, whispering, “Thank you.”
****
She took the news better than he anticipated. He pictured her getting up and screaming before throwing a few things at his head. Instead, she seemed to take his advice to freaking do something, anything, as long as it wasn’t sitting at home, going crazy. His stomach was roiling in knots ever since he got the latest orders. He did not anticipate them. Not right now. So it was a shock. Being shuffled around since his injuries, he was spared the more rigorous training that he normally handled.
He should have argued to the Army that he was feeling fine. At a hundred percent. Instead, he let it stand. For the first time in his Army career, he wasn’t leading the volunteers and ready and willing to go to any extreme and any lengths for a mission or training. Instead, all he could think of was staying home and being near Jessie.
After years of experience, he could pack lightly and quickly. It was partly why a home never meant much to him. He only ever packed what he could carry on his back. Until now. Until Jessie.
The night before he left, she cooked his favorite dinner. She dressed in a pretty skirt and shirt and took extra care to curl her hair attractively around her face. She smiled and behaved, telling him all about volunteering at the shelter and saying how happy they were for the help. She mentioned how glad she felt, knowing she had that to do tomorrow. Tomorrow, when she found herself alone again.
“Do you want to come to the base tomorrow?”
It was late now, and they lay in bed together. They made love, and he held her tightly, trying to comfort her and give her what she needed to get through his deployment. He knew he was failing miserably.
She shook her head on the pillow. “I can’t. I just can’t do that. Not there. Ever. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come and see you off. Do you hate me for that?”
He turned towards her. He touched her face. “I don’t hate you. I know why you can’t go to that base.”
She nodded. “And I just can’t say goodbye to you in front of others.”
He held his breath and blew it out. “Just be gone?”
She shut her eyes and her body trembled. “Yes.” It was fierce whisper.
He kissed her lips. “I’ll just be gone. Call me. Write me. Everyday. Okay? You can’t skip it. I have to know you’re okay, or I can’t function. And no one wants a soldier who can’t function, right?”
“I promise.”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded though her eyes were full of tears. “I’m okay.
****
It took a while, but when he felt her relax and fall asleep at last, he could also, finally.
Will woke up with a start and glanced beside him. The bed was empty. He listened. What woke him up? He heard nothing. The bathroom light was on, which he saw by the crack beneath the door. He still heard nothing. At last, he got up, rubbing his face as he checked the clock. In only two hours, he had to report in.
He started to knock, but stopped himself. Something was off. She was being too quiet. He undid the lock quicker than he could knock and shove the door open. She started to scramble to her feet, but wasn’t fast enough. She froze as she stared up at him, horror in her eyes while color rushed into her face. She dropped her chin down onto her chest.
He closed his eyes as the pain and anxiety shot through his stomach. He came forward and squatted in front of her, touching her knee. She slowly, with deliberate effort, lifted her eyes up to his, but he just sat there, waiting. Tears filled her brown eyes. They held a long, poignant eye lock. “I’m sorry,�
�� she whispered finally, the shame bright red on her face.
Her small hand was fisted around one of his disposable razors. The same ones he contemplated throwing out. He even moved them there from the apartment. Gently taking the razor out of her hand, he set it down beside him on the tub edge. He took a clean towel from the drawer next to him and pressed it against the bleeding cut she sliced into her thigh. There was only one. Improvement. He’d seen as many as five on her leg at one time.
Pulling her toward him, he leaned his back on the wall and wrapped her in his arms while holding the towel in place. She rested her head against his chest and clutched his shirt in her hands as she cried, her body shaking with loud sobs.
Finally he whispered, his lips in her hair, “I’m still here; why didn’t you wake me?”
She hiccupped. “Because I’m crazy. Everything the general ever said about me is correct. Who does this?”
“You. You do this. And nothing that Fuck-face ever did or said about you is correct. And you’re not crazy. But you do have to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours because I don’t always know, and sometimes, I can’t guess.”
“Why? So you can watch me do this?
“Yes, Jessie. Exactly. If that’s what is going on with you.”
She breathed in sharply. “You’d have stopped me.”
“So you didn’t want to wake me?’
“No,” she shook her head. “I didn’t mean to do it. I swore I was okay. Even when I said it to you, I thought I was. Then… I woke up. It was dark and all these images swirled inside me. I pictured tomorrow night. Then the next. The dark. And no you next to me. It was overwhelming. It felt… I don’t know even how to describe it. So I… did this. I’m so, so sorry.”
She leaned her entire body into his as sobs wracked through her body. Her grief cut him to his knees. She suddenly whispered, “Don’t leave me, Will. I know I have problems. I know I seem crazy. But please, please don’t leave me because of it.”
He rocked her as a mother would a child. Often, her unbridled emotions made her seem like one. Especially, her irrational hatred at herself. He sensed by “leave,” she wasn’t referring to him walking out the door, headed for Africa, but walking out on her. He withheld a sigh. He couldn’t convince her he would not leave her.
He never knew what to fucking say to her. She was kind of crazy sometimes, and did things like that. Or couldn’t get out of bed and face the day. Or had irrational tantrums that reared their ugly heads at awkward, weird and unforeseen times.
He took her chin in his hand and made her eyes look into his. “I won’t leave you. I promise you the only thing that will ever separate me from you is death. Okay? I can’t stop death. But short of that. I love you. I’ll be here. You know what I decided? When I was in my cell, not yours?”
Her tears slowed for a moment and he knew he had her attention. Her puzzled gaze watched him. “What?”
“I decided if I ever got a chance to be with you again, and if you needed me to do it, I’d wipe up your blood every day for the rest of my life. I would, if that’s what it takes to spend my life with you.”
“No more dumping me off on Gretchen or Lindsey?”
He deserved that. He touched her chin. “No more dumping you off. It’s just me.”
“You can’t stop crazy, soldier.”
He shrugged. “Well, then, I’ll be with crazy when crazy is here. No offense, it’s nothing I’m not already used to.”
She closed her eyes. “I’m humiliated.”
“Jessie, open your eyes,” he said gently. “Do you sometimes forget I was in Mexico? You seem to think I’m just anybody sometimes. I’m not. There are no secrets between us. There is no humiliation between us. There is just some shit that can’t always be controlled.”
“It will ruin us.”
“Nothing can ruin us.” His was tone was fierce.
“I haven’t done it in over a year. You didn’t even leave yet, and I did it.”
“Well, maybe you had to get it out of your system. Maybe you needed to do it, and it’s done. Maybe you’ll be okay now.”
“You don’t believe that.”
He shifted her weight closer. “Whatever you do, just tell me, okay? No more hiding it. No more ‘bad Jessie.’ Just tell me. We’ll deal with it. Even if I’m not here, I need to know how you really are. No games. No faking. Can you do that?”
“I can try. I-I think I need to get back into therapy. I think I need to do some of the things I did before I left Washington.”
“If you never left, perhaps this would have never happened.”
“But what kind of normal person can’t deviate from her routine at the risk of doing this?”
He sighed and smiled as he hugged her all at once. “I love you.”
She frowned. “That didn’t answer my question.”
“No, but it told you my answer.”
She calmed down finally, and her tears dried. She wiped her eyes, and finally, albeit ruefully, she smiled up at him. He smiled back, as she said, “At least, you won’t forget me.”
He chuckled. “No, there is never forgetting you, Jessie-girl.”
Chapter Eight
Will was gone when she woke up the next day, just as she requested. She didn’t think she could physically bear the pain of watching him walk out the door. Soldier jumped on the bed at some point, and she pulled the half dozing dog against her and started to cry. He leaned his head on her and softly licked her hand. She snuggled closer. “Okay, boy. Will’s gone. I am no longer allowed to be crazy, okay? If I start, you have to bark or do something to stop me.”
Soldier thumped his tail. She leaned into him and decided it was time to get back on track. To be Jessie in recovery, as she did in Ellensburg. Will was gone. She tended to rely too much on him when he was around. It was time to quit moving backwards. She glanced down. Her leg stung, and she didn’t like how it felt. She didn’t like how it felt when Will caught her last night either. She didn’t like being crazy and out of control with her emotions, feeling compelled by something she knew was weird and “off” and committing acts she didn’t want to do. It was sometimes like being an alcoholic on a binge. She now had to get up and figure out how to not be that way today. She had it figured out before. Now, she had to make it work in North Carolina with Will in the Army and her here, all alone.
The doorbell brought her out of bed and she quickly slipped a robe on. Her sister stood on the doorstep. “I thought you could use some company. I brought coffee, and really fattening donuts.”
Jessie threw her arms around her sister. “Yes. Like you can’t imagine.” It was hard not to mention what she did last night, but she wanted it between Will and her now. Years ago, she shared everything, but now it was a problem for Will and her to solve and learn to live with.
Lindsey looked into her eyes. “Do you need me to stay here for awhile?”
She shook her head. “No. I have Soldier. And a plan. So, no.”
“What plan?”
“To make a life here. Now. And live it as well as I can, whether or not Will is here.”
Lindsey’s eyes widened. No doubt, she was surprised that Jessie wasn’t crying and acting crazy today, of all days. Being a little bit emotionally unstable, as Jessie had to admit she was, no one could ever really know what to expect. And contrary to what they thought, oftentimes, she didn’t always get upset when they predicted she would. It was… well, a bit more erratic than that. “Okay. What’s first?”
“A job. I’m taking anything. Besides, Will spends too much money. And I really don’t like him having exclusive control over our finances.”
She grinned. “You’re really not the same as you were.”
“Sometimes I am. But I’m working on it.”
****
Finally, a damn job! She got hired as a cashier at the local discount clothing store. It was wonderful because it provided something for her to do. She could almost have kissed the low-level, young manager
for giving her a fresh lease on life. She could do it, and it invigorated her. It renewed her once precarious faith in herself. Maybe, with Will there, she found it a little too easy to revert into helpless, troubled Jessie. That thought caused her to write letters to him, even though she wished she didn’t need to. Communication through phone and email was always polite, and nice, while bringing each other up to date and reassuring their love for each other. Anything real to Jessie always needed to be written out in physical form. After years spent listening to the strange shit in her head, why stop now?
The difference was: he wrote back to her this time. Will wrote to her about everything he thought and felt about what she said. This time, he was just as needy for her as she was for him.
With Will gone, the onus was on her to continue functioning. She had to get up to go to work and take care of Soldier. She had to pay the bills and clean the house. She found a new counselor, who helped a lot. She needed it. There was simply no other choice or argument on that. She realized it with a twinge in her heart, and felt little bit pathetic and sad that she might never be able to go on without spending a fair amount of time in counseling just to live. Not her fault, but the reality of her life. She turned twenty-four years old in March, and was all by herself. Lindsey was away at training and there was no one else. Noah called, and Will called, but she was alone. It was depressing, so she got a good book and a glass of wine before hibernating in a hot bath, while pretending it was just any other day.
****
She found an old roto-tiller in the shed out back, and wondered if she couldn’t put a garden in. Noticing an overgrown swatch of ground that obviously used to be one, she called her landlord who came over to help her pull the machine out and get it running. She was delighted and assured him she could handle it, but she wasn’t very adept. The stupid machine was heavy and cumbersome, and even quit running halfway through the task. She kicked it after several tugs on the chord, but still nothing. She leaned over it, heaving for air. Who knew it was so hard to pull one of these starters? Men made it look as easy as opening a door, but not so for her. She swore at it and kicked it again.
The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5) Page 10
