He instantly looked away, what I’d done clearly embarrassing him. “I see why you strap them down now,” he said, clearing his throat. “Cos that defo doesn’t look like a dude’s chest. You’ve got way nicer tits than most of the chicks in our class.”
I beamed at his words, a feeling of pure happiness flooding my body. “You think I have nice boobs?”
His eyes widened, the penny dropping over what he’d said. “No, yes, I don’t know, they’re just a nice shape. Shit!” He shoved his wet hair back, his expression horrified. “This is all comin’ out wrong. I didn’t meana insult you.”
I blinked at him, wondering how on earth he thought that was an insult, especially since I was smiling like a loon. “Saying I have nice boobs isn’t an insult. It’s a massive compliment.”
His brow knitted together, confusion reigning. “It is?”
“Yeah, no one’s ever said I have nice boobs before.”
“Cos you hide ’em, and everyone thinks you’re a boy.”
“I am a boy.”
“And a girl.”
“True.” I cocked my head to the side. “Do you see me as both or just one?”
He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, looking like he was thinking about it. “I’m not sure. I always thought you looked like a girl, but you dress in a boy’s uniform, and now I’ve seen and felt your tits, I really don’t know what to think, other than you confuse the hell outta me.”
“In what way?”
“What do ya mean, in what way? I just told ja.”
“Not really. For example, if Jenna dressed like a boy, you wouldn’t think she was one, but you thought I was just because of a few pieces of material.”
“They’re more than that, they’re symbols. Jenna doesn’t walk around in a boy’s uniform cos the school wouldn’t let her since she’s a girl, but they let you, which means you’re s’posed to be a boy. That’s why I wuz treating you like one out in the water, not expecting to get a handful of tit. Can you blame me for bein’ confused?”
I shook my head.
“By the way, why would you even wanna be a boy? You’d have it so much easier if you chose to be a girl. You wouldn’t get bullied, since Ant would be shamed for picking on a girl, while you could choose whoever you wanted to go out with.”
I choose you! “There’s a giant flaw in your logic,” I replied, knowing he wouldn’t let me pick him. “I have a penis.”
“One that looks like a big clit.”
I scowled.
He held out a hand. “Just tryna keep it real. I also don’t understand why you even wanna have a big dick since you have tits. If anything, you’re better off with it bein’ small, cos at least you could pass it off as a clit.”
“But I don’t have a vagina.”
“Just tell guys you have a condition, where your pussy fused together, or some shit like that, cos it does kinda look like that. You also don’t have balls, just flappy things around your clit, I mean dick. Hell, if Joel didn’t know you, and you told him they’re pussy lips stuck together, he’d totally believe you. He even thought this tranny wuz a chick. If it wuzn’t for me spelling it out to him, he would’ve let the queen suck him off. That’s why he’s a giant homophobe, thinks all gays want him after that.”
“Don’t be offended, but Joel is seriously dumb.”
“Why would I be offended? I tell him he’s dumb all the time.”
I snorted out a laugh, getting a smile in return. “Which is why other guys won’t believe my flappy things are a fused vagina. They have more brain cells than him.”
“Not when they think with their dicks, especially when they see someone as pretty as you. And you really don’t hafta do much to make a guy happy. I never even got to fuck my first girlfriend, wuz just stoked she lemme suck on her tits, and you’ve got the goods for that. Hell, if you get someone like Marko, you won’t even get pestered for sex. He’s so repressed he’d be too embarrassed to ask for it. I swear that dude is never gonna get laid. He hasn’t even kissed a girl. I reckon you could string someone like him along for a few years, just throw in some handjobs and blowies so he doesn’t have a permanent case of blue-balls. Get a repressed religious dude like Marko and you’ll be sweet until the wedding, and hopefully by then, he’ll be so in love with you he’ll forgive you. Though, there’s nuthin’ really to forgive since you are still half-chick, unless he wants kids, then you’re royally screwed, cos you ain’t shitting out one of those.” He sniggered. “Get it? Cos that’s the only hole down-under he’ll be able to stick his dick in.”
“You think I’m pretty?” I asked, not having heard a word past that line, everything he’d said after it sounding like pretty, pretty, pretty...
His eyes went round. “Well... um... yeah... um, the girl side of you.”
I laughed, his expression so funny. It looked like he was afraid to admit that he found me attractive, but just the fact he thought I was pretty made me feel so good I couldn’t describe it.
“What are you laughing at?” he snapped.
I stopped, but even his grumpy remark couldn’t take the smile off my face. “You don’t have to look so horrified. If it makes you feel better, saying I’m pretty doesn’t make you gay.”
“Cos I’m not,” he barked.
“I’m not gay either. I’m bi.”
“I’m not bi, I’m completely straight.”
“I know that, and I’m part girl, so don’t worry.”
“But you’re also part boy.” He waved his hand at my groin. “And you have no pussy.”
“I have breasts, so stop feeling embarrassed that you find me attractive.”
“I didn’t say I found you attractive!”
I bit back another smile, Ash protesting too much for me to believe him, but even if he wasn’t willing to admit it, I still basked in the fact he thought I was pretty and had nice breasts. I knew I didn’t have a chance with him, since he was with Tiana, but just knowing he liked something about me was the best feeling in the world.
Putting him out of his misery, I nodded towards the road. “What do you want to do now?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. What do you wanna do?”
I smiled inwardly, thrilled he wanted to stay with me. “Maybe we could watch a movie at my place. My mam works, so won’t be home until six.”
“Cool, then let’s go.”
I followed him out of the bushes and headed in the direction of my house, so excited he was going home with me, something I never thought would happen in a million years. Even with all of the awkwardness between us, I really didn’t think today could get any better.
The guy I loved was finally my friend, thought I was pretty, and liked spending time with me. For the first time in months, I didn’t want to kill myself.
15
ASH
Fuck! Llewellyn really was a chick, or at least half a one. I felt myself blushing as I walked alongside him, her, whatever, this was doing my head in, like the memory of touching his... her tits. Yeah, they were nowhere near as big as Tiana’s, but they were definitely a nice handful, that strapping hiding a lot. And I’d touched them! Christ! I didn’t mean to. I’d honestly only meant to push him under the water, nothing sexual about it at all.
I glanced at Llewellyn as we headed down the footpath, nearing Wera, the guy fascinating. It now made so much sense why he was the way he was. And could I even call him a him? I didn’t think I could change that, since I’d been thinking of him as a boy for so long. But he sure as hell didn’t feel or look like one. His bone structure was too fine, his face too pretty, and his body... Hot damn! I was freaked out by that, because he didn’t have a male physique at all. His hips definitely had a curve to them, and his chest... When I’d touched his tits, his nipples had poked out like Tiana’s did when she was turned on. If anything, his nipples were bigger than my girl’s. Just the thought I’d touched another girl’s tits made me tense. Would that be counted as cheating? Nah, because I hadn’t done it on purpose,
and it wasn’t my fault I’d gotten hard. Just thinking about tits gave me a boner, let alone touching them. I took another glance at Llewellyn’s tits, wondering what it would be like to suck on them.
He looked up at me, causing me to quickly avert my gaze. I didn’t like it when he stared at me, so it was wrong for me to stare at his tits, especially since I had a girlfriend. I was only allowed to stare at Tiana’s ones.
“Here we are,” he said, opening his gate. “Home not so sweet home.”
“You don’t like living ’ere?” I asked, following him up the path.
He sighed and removed his keys from his bag. “Forget it, it’s fine,” he said, making me wonder why he was being so cagey about it.
The keys slipped out of his hand, landing on the porch with a clatter. He bent down to pick them up, drawing my attention to his arse. It didn’t look that much different from Jenna’s. Nice and tight. My gaze climbed up his back as he straightened, landing on his shoulders, which were small, not like a guy’s at all. He could easily pass off as a full chick, only the missing pussy throwing a spanner into the works. I almost sniggered at the last thought, because he definitely had no nuts and bolts down there.
Llewellyn opened up, ushering me inside a place that made me feel like I was stepping inside an old person’s house. There were doylies and fake flowers everywhere, along with quaint knickknacks that a grandmother would hoard. Like the porcelain figurines peppering the wall unit and a teapot that was encased in a knitted cosy, the red pompom on top making me smile.
Llewellyn disappeared into the kitchen, telling me to take a seat. I sat down on the floral couch, glancing around at the pictures on the wall. There were photos of Llewellyn with his family, two parents to start with, then just his mum and sister. Llewellyn and his sister clearly took after their mum... well, I assumed it was a sister, because I couldn’t imagine there being another person as unique as Llewellyn.
He reappeared with a bowl of popcorn and a packet of biscuits, putting them down on the coffee table in front of me. To make sure I didn’t get distracted by his tits, especially since his nipples were still poking out, I stuck my hand into the bowl of popcorn and stuffed some into my mouth, wishing he had chips instead.
I munched away, muttering, “If you’re Irish, you should have potato chips, not popcorn. Irish like potatoes.”
“I’m Welsh, not Irish,” he said, sitting down next to me.
“Same diff.” I chewed on more popcorn.
He blinked at me. “That’s like saying Australians are the same as New Zealanders.”
“Not really, cos you lot are all British.”
“Did you really just say that?”
I swallowed down the popcorn. “Yeah, why?”
“Have you ever heard of the IRA?”
“The tax people who my cousin avoids at all costs?”
He spluttered out a laugh. “No, not the IRD, the Irish Republican Army, and I’m sure they wouldn’t like what you said about Ireland.”
“But Ireland is Britain,” I said, stuffing more popcorn into my mouth.
“Only Northern Ireland.”
“How would I know?” I said around a mouthful. “I’m not British or Irish.”
“Most people know that.”
I stopped chewing. “You callin’ me dumb?”
Llewellyn shook his head rapidly, looking like he was going to severe it at the neck. “No, no, you’re not dumb at all, I’m the dumb one for assuming you knew. And I only know because I’m Welsh.”
“Yeah, too right, and you would know nuthin’ ’bout my cultures.”
“You’re Croatian and Maori.”
“And part Romanian.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, apparently there are some gypsies on my father’s side.”
He smiled. “That is so cool; you’re so cool.”
“Not really, my father’s a prick, so I don’t think anything that comes from him is cool.”
“My father used to be mean too.”
“I doubt he’s as bad as mine. My one used to punch me. He even did this,” I said, showing him the scar underneath my hair.
He touched it, looking totally shocked.
“He also did this,” I added, showing him my crooked pinkie finger. “He hit me with a crowbar when I tried to stop him from hurting my mum. He wuz methed-out at the time, off his face. Meth turned him into a monster. They sent him to jail for it, where they cleaned him up, though he claims he got clean for me and my bro. It doesn’t matter, I can’t trust him anymore. It’s why I live with my cousin instead.”
Llewellyn continued to stare at me with wide eyes, resembling those cartoon characters who’d seen something shocking. It wasn’t shocking to me, just life.
“God, I thought my tad was bad,” he said, his pronunciation of dad cute, the first d sounding like a t, “but he was nothing compared to yours. The most I got was strapped.”
I frowned. “He hit you with a belt?”
“It was only a few times before I learned to shut my mouth—unlike my sister. But that was a while ago. He died of a heart attack.”
“Sorry, and what you did wuz smart.”
“How’d you figure that?”
“You learned how to avoid trouble, well, except for Ant, but no one can avoid that sociopath.”
Llewellyn nodded, his face turning sad. Although he looked nothing like my sister, his upset expression reminded me of when Juliet’s doll had been decapitated. It made me want to cheer him up, so I grabbed a biscuit off the coffee table and snapped it in half, then nibbled the sides to make the pieces thinner. I stuck them up my nose, which always made my little sister laugh.
“Look, I’m a snot-sucking vampire,” I said.
Llewellyn gawked at me as though I’d grown horns out of my head and not biscuits out of my nose.
I removed them with a smirk and held the pieces out for him. “Extra snotty, just for you.”
He pulled a face, then his eyes almost popped out of his skull when I went to put one of the pieces into my mouth.
I started laughing, “I’m joking, dude,” I said, moving it away from my mouth.
A big smile spread across his face, which made me lean over, moving the biscuits towards his mouth. He scooted back so fast he hit the armrest, the look of panic on his face making me curl over with laughter, causing me to drop the biscuits on the carpet.
“That wasn’t funny,” he said in his supposedly telling-off voice, which never worked, because he was too timid to sound gruff.
“It so wuz,” I waved a finger at his face, “you shoulda seen your expression, it wuz classic. You looked like you were gonna piss yourself.”
“I wasn’t going to wet myself,” he said, acting indignant.
“Looked,” I emphasised, still laughing, which I couldn’t stop. It hurt my stomach, but felt good, like I had so much laughter locked away that I couldn’t get it out because of my pent-up grief.
Llewellyn started looking worried, like my laughter wasn’t normal, which it wasn’t, because I was almost hysterical, then the door opened, making him jump, the look on his face now frightened. I finally stopped laughing and looked over as a redheaded chick entered the house. Her surprised gaze went straight to Llewellyn, as though she hadn’t expected to see him. Then it moved to me, a slow smile pulling at her bow-shaped mouth, which I hoped didn’t mean she thought we were doing anything gross.
“What are you doing home, Louie?” she asked, her accent slightly stronger than his. She looked about twenty, and was the hottest chick I’d ever laid eyes on, even Tiana unable to compare, especially in those spray-on jeans and fuck-me boots.
“Um, there’s no school t-today,” Llewellyn lied. “And why aren’t you at work?”
“I told my boss I felt sick, so he let me go home.”
“You don’t look it.”
“Because I’m not, I just couldn’t take another minute of work,” she said, her gaze returning to me. “Who’s this?”
> Llewellyn’s face did that splotchy thing he had down pat, but this time he looked worried instead of embarrassed. “He’s my friend, Ash.”
“Friend or boyfriend?”
“Friend!” I snapped, annoyed with her for asking. “I’m not gay, and anyway, he’s part girl, so it’s not like I would be gay even if we were more than friends.”
She raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you more than friends?”
“No!”
She smiled, which made me think of Jenna when she was being nasty. “Good,” she said, “because it would be a waste if you were.”
She walked over to me and held out a hand. Her red hair was the same colour as Llewellyn’s just with blonde highlights toning it down. And although her face looked flawless due to makeup, I could tell she had freckles like her brother, her hand sprinkled with them. She stuck that hand out a bit further when I didn’t shake it. Not wanting to touch her, I stared at it as though it belonged to an alien. Ever since my stepfather had hurt me, I felt uncomfortable touching people. My guardian and Llewellyn were the exceptions, since Hunter made me feel safe, while Llewellyn made me feel good, what I did at the beach not the norm.
Crying Out Silent Page 14
