For my grandparents, I wrote about how much they meant to me, including my uncle Luka. I thanked him for all the times he’d skipped out on work to teach me surfing, adding that I’d never felt so free riding those waves with him, and that nothing could beat the sheer joy it had brought me, which was why it made sense to let the sea take me. Though, I emphasised that I would’ve died regardless, whether I’d chosen the sea or something else, that going out this way wasn’t his fault, it was just...
Right.
Then I wrote to Joel, telling him how sorry I was with the way I’d treated him. A few tears had dropped onto his letter, smudging the words You mean the world to me, bro. There was also a letter for Marko. I told both of them they were good mates and that I hoped they led a happy life, because they deserved it.
Tiana’s letter was next, what I had to say to her taking up many pages. I wrote that I did love her, that she meant a lot to me, she just needed to let me go.
I continued reading her letter, hoping what I’d written was enough:
It’s my time, Tiana. I was never meant to stay, the past weeks proving that I’m not right for you, that you’d be a lot happier without me. Hunter will be a much better dad than I ever could be. I know he will look after you, as well as look after our baby, because that’s the kind of guy he is. He’ll make sure you’re both safe and cared for. I couldn’t do that even if I lived. I’m sick, Tiana, my stepdad ruined me. What he did would’ve forever tainted our relationship if I stayed with you. I know you’ll say that we’ll get through this. You might, but I couldn’t. No matter how much you try to support me, you can never understand the true meaning of what Chaz did to me. And it’s not just about him raping me. He killed my mum. I can’t live with the guilt knowing she died trying to save me. It hurts, Tiana, hurts so bad that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. You breathe automatically, while I have to force myself to breathe. I don’t want to force myself anymore. And if truth be told, I’m not taking my last breath tomorrow, I took it the day my mum died. So don’t be sad, I was never meant to survive that night. I’m just happy I met someone as great as you. I hope you meet someone who treats you like the Polynesian Princess my mates nicknamed you. Because you are a princess, one who deserves a prince, which I can never be. No, you’ve already met him... Hunter. He’s a good guy. Give him a chance. He’s lost someone he loved too. You’ll soon learn how powerful shared grief is, how it makes you feel not so alone, and how it connects you to the person who understands what you’re going through. It’s how I connected with Llewellyn. He’s experienced so much pain, pain I understand more than I want to. Because of that, we chose to leave this world together, to support each other like no one else can. It’s not a criticism of you, it’s just... When I look into his eyes, I see my own pain reflected back at me. Our grief is the same. He’s me and I’m him. We’re one in the same person.
The letter went on a bit longer, mentioning our child, for her to love the li’l one enough for the both of us. Then I came to the lines where I said a final goodbye, signing Love, Ash.
That night I slept well for the first time since my stepdad’s attack. When I woke up the next day, I got dressed in my school uniform and went to Tiana, asking her to come to school with me. She looked sick, but because I asked, she smiled, the hope in her eyes that I wasn’t dropping her making me feel bad.
“Yes,” she said happily, despite looking like death warmed up.
I leaned forward and kissed her on the lips, making her jerk her head back in surprise. Then before I could apologise, she grabbed my head and crashed her lips against mine, her tears wetting my cheeks as she kissed me with so much emotion guilt hit me in the chest. I let her continue, trying to make up for all the times I’d avoided her kisses, though it was just a Band-Aid, one the police would rip off once they found my body.
She finally pulled back only to lean in and give me a tight hug. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for that, Ash,” she sobbed, making me feel even more guilty.
I hugged her back, wishing things could’ve worked out better for us. I’d been happy with her until Chaz destroyed my life. I just hoped Hunter would eventually make her happy, and if not him, then someone equally as caring.
“I love you so much,” she said, finally letting go of me, only to yank my head down for another kiss.
A gasp sounded a few feet away, breaking our kiss. A surprised-looking Hunter was staring at me from the passageway door as though I was an apparition.
I stepped around Tiana and walked over to my cousin, giving him a hug. “I love you, Dad,” I said, specifically using the word so he knew I thought of him as one. That he was my dad, not my cousin. Biology didn’t have a part in it, choice did. Like I was choosing to die, I was choosing him to be my dad, not the mongrel who’d raised me.
His arms went around me, squeezing me tight. “God, son, I love you too.”
Knowing I wouldn’t be seeing him again, I held on for a few more seconds before forcing myself to pull away. “Thank you for everything you’ve done,” I said, trying to fight back the tears.
A frown pulled at his brow. “Why are you talkin’ weird, son? It’s like you’re sayin’ goodbye, not leaving for school.”
“I wanna say sorry for what I put you through. I know I’ve been a cunt over the past month, weeks, I just wanna make it up to you. To let you know how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me.”
The frown disappeared, a smile replacing it, softening his harsh features. “Thanks, Ash, I’ll always be ’ere for you. Always.”
I nodded, knowing he’d be there for Tiana too. “Can you give me and Tiana a lift to school?”
“I have—” He cut himself short and nodded, “Of course,” making me wonder whether he had something else to do. But I knew he’d want to take me this one last time. Just knew it.
We got to school about twenty minutes later. I gave Hunter a final hug, not caring as people stared at us as they passed his car.
He patted my back as I pulled away, a touch of worry on his face. “You all right, son?”
I nodded. “Perfect.” I got out of his Chevy with Tiana and waved at him. He didn’t drive off straight away, making me wonder whether he was growing suspicious, but then he finally left.
I placed an arm around Tiana’s shoulder and walked to our homeroom. We entered the class together, everyone’s eyes zooming in on us. Joel, Marko, Jenna, and... that fucker!
Forcing myself not to attack Ant, I led Tiana to Llewellyn’s desk, not wanting her at the front of the class just in case a fight broke out. Once she was seated, I went to the front, drawing the whole class’s attention to me.
“Llewellyn won’t be coming back to school,” I said, moving my hard stare to Ant, “cos he tried to commit suicide yesterday.”
He didn’t appear shocked, instead dropping his head, clearly knowing about it. Jenna, who was sitting next to him, had probably told him what I’d said in the hospital. But it didn’t look like she’d told anyone else, because a number of the students gasped in shock. Others stared at me with wide eyes, while more than a few started talking between themselves in hushed tones.
“And it’s all our fault,” I added.
“How the fuck is it our fault?” Joel snapped at the back of the class. He was sitting next to Marko, who was glaring at the back of Ant’s head, looking like he wanted to rip it off.
“For picking on Llewellyn,” I answered, “as well as ignoring what wuz right in front of our noses.”
“I didn’t pick on him!” Joel snapped. “Only Ant did.”
“You said a bunch of homophobic shit ’bout him. Fag this, fag that. You don’t think that got to him?”
“You wouldn’t kill yourself over crap like that. What I did wuz a piss in the bucket compared to Ant.”
“If you thought what Ant did wuz so bad then why didn’t you do anything ’bout it? Oh, wait, you did. You laughed and sniggered, throwing some more fag comments in.”
“
Not always. I told Ant he went too far more than once.”
“How far did he go, Joel?”
“All those balls in the face, that shit in the changing room, but it still wuzn’t enough to cause the pussy to try to commit suicide. So, don’t try to pin this on me or Ant, or anyone else in the class. We’re not responsible.”
“Yeah!” Jenna rose to her feet, the bell for homeroom ringing. “This is bullshit, Ash. We didn’t do anything to Ginger.”
“You know nuthin’ ’bout this!” I yelled at her, having no time for the bitch anymore. “So, sit the fuck back down!”
“No!” she snapped back, her face going as pink as the stripes in her hair. “I know a helluva lot more than you do. You needa stop being so fucking gullible, Ash. Open your damn eyes. Ginger’s lying to make you feel sorry for him, wheedling his way into your life while getting back at Ant.”
“He would’ve died if I didn’t find him.”
“The only reason you found him was ’cause he set it up.”
“You’re talkin’ shit, Jenna, like you always talk shit.”
“I’m not the one talking shit.” She turned her gaze to everyone else, sweeping it over the class, clearly trying to sway them. “Ginger isn’t just bullshitting Ash, he’s now tryna make out that Ant is gay.”
“What?!” Joel said. “That’s fucked up. Everyone knows Ant loves chicks.”
“Yeah!” Jenna said, nodding her head vigorously. “And now Ant’s my boyfriend, Ginger upped his game, pretending to top himself to get him.”
“You just said that Llewellyn wuz tryna get me,” I cut in, the cow tripping up on her lies. “So what is it, Jenna? Does Llewellyn want me or Ant?”
She raised her chin. “The greedy bastard wants the both of you, but Ant’s not stupid enough to fall for Ginger’s theatrics like you are, ’cause it looks like you’ve fallen hook, line and sinker.”
“I ain’t in love with Llewellyn.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, I’m just saying you’ve fallen for Ginger’s lies.”
“The only lies ’ere are coming from your mouth, Jenna, cos everyone knows Llewellyn hates Ant. Or do ya think he loved gettin’ balls thrown at his face?”
She sneered at me, “Well, I think he’d love to have your balls hit his chin while he sucks your cock.”
The class broke out in a cacophony of gasps, whoops, and laughter.
“You think this is a joke?” I spat back at her.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “The only joke here is you falling for Llewellyn’s shit.”
“I ain’t falling for anything, you stupid bitch, and you are a stupid bitch, otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting next to a fuckin’ rapist!”
Ant shot out of his seat. “I’m not a rapist!”
“Yes, you are! You raped Llewellyn! That’s why he tried to kill himself.”
All eyes shot to Ant, What the fuck! and other shocked statements leaving my classmates’ mouths. And it was at that precise moment that the teacher came rushing in, looking all hot and flustered, late for homeroom.
She stopped just inside the doorway. “What’s going on?” she asked, swiping her fringe back, smearing something that looked like grease across her forehead.
“I’m tellin’ everyone that Llewellyn tried to commit suicide cos Ant raped him.”
Her eyes went big, but before she could reply, Jenna screamed out, “Ant didn’t do it! Everyone knows he hates that twerp. Ginger is playin’ Ash, Ms. Farris, so don’t believe a word he says.”
“No, Ant’s playin’ you!” I jabbed a finger at Jenna. “Kelley told me what Ant did to Llewellyn, not Llewellyn!”
Everyone’s attention shifted to Ant.
“Kelley wouldn’t say that!” Ant yelled, looking like he could rip my head off and spit down my neck. “Never. You’re lying!”
“I ain’t fuckin’ lying, I have proof.”
“You have no proof! You just wanna destroy me cos you hate my guts.”
“You bet I wanna destroy you, and you wanna know why?”
“Why?!”
“Cos you’re a fuckin’ rapist!”
Ant pushed Jenna out of the way and went for me. Jenna yelled out, “No, Ant!” and jumped onto his back, trying to stop him. Both Joel and Marko jumped up too, all of them doing their best to stop Ant from coming after me. But it didn’t make a difference whether they succeeded or not, because I was already heading for the door.
I paused in front of Ms. Farris and turned to face Ant one last time, who was still struggling to get free. “I hope you become some ugly mofo’s bitch.” I saluted him with my middle finger. “Bye, fucker! Enjoy prison.”
I slipped passed Ms. Farris, and was out the door before Ant could reply. I ran for the gym, intent on carrying through on my plan before meeting up with Llewellyn. My bag bounced on my back. A spray can along with Kelley’s and my diaries were inside as well as an envelope full of my letters. Her diary outlined everything that Jenna and Ant had done to her as well as everything Ant had told her about Llewellyn. Evidence, which I hoped got Ant sent away for a long time.
I entered the gym, making a beeline for Mr. Daniels’ office. Since he wasn’t a homeroom teacher, he was always there during roll call. I knocked on his door, my gym teacher and rugby coach the only person I could trust to hand the books into the authorities as well as the letters to the right people since I didn’t want to just leave them lying on my desk at home. I wanted someone I respected to give them to the people I loved and cared about, knowing Mr. Daniels would be kind about it. I’d even written a letter for him. I’d thanked him for being my coach and for being the only teacher who got us students.
“Come in!” Mr. Daniels called out. He looked up from his desk as I entered his office, giving me a smile. “It’s good to see you back, Ash. Some people were rather worried about you yesterday, me included.”
“As you can see, I’m perfectly fine.” I pulled out the books and envelope of letters, placing everything on his desk.
He looked down at them. “What’s this?”
“Something I think you might like to read when you have some free time.”
He picked up Kelley’s book, cracking the cover open. “This says Kelley’s name.” He looked back up at me. “Is this hers?”
I nodded. “It’s her diary,” I said, not mentioning that the other diary was mine, or that the envelope held suicide letters, needing to be long gone before he realised that.
“Why are you giving me her diary?” he asked, now looking worried. “Is she all right?”
“Not really. She’s in hospital, paralysed from the waist down.”
“I know that, but why are you giving me her diary?”
“Evidence of what Jenna did to her. Also, what Ant did to both her and Llewellyn. Llewellyn tried to commit suicide yesterday.”
His eyes widened. “What?!”
The bell for gym class rang. “If you read Kelley’s diary, you’ll understand why he did it.”
I turned to leave, needing to get to the changing room before everyone else. Mr. Daniels called out my name, but I was already gone, rushing to my next destination. I was through the changing room door in a flash, relieved that no one was here yet. I quickly inserted myself in a toilet stall, closing the door right before the first person entered the changing room. More people followed, talking about what I’d said at homeroom, the students not having a clue I was listening to them behind the toilet door.
Then Ant entered...
“Shut your mouth!” he yelled at someone. A thud sounded, then Marko yelled at Ant to stop. Ant yelled back, “I didn’t do it!”
“Yeah, Marko, you disloyal prick!” Joel snapped. “You heard Ash, this info came from Kelley, not Llewellyn, and you know how things ended between her and Ant. She’s just gettin’ back at him for dumping her.”
“You’re so fuckin’ dumb, Joel,” Marko growled. “So thick that you can’t see what’s right in front of your nose.”
�
�I’m not dumb!” Joel barked. “You’re the moron.”
“I can’t deal with this, I’m outta ’ere.”
The next second the door banged, Ant hollering, “Come back ’ere, Marko!”
“Stop, Ant! Let him go!” Joel said.
A loud crash followed, sounding like Ant had punched a locker. “He believes that lying scumbag Ash!”
“Ash isn’t the one lying, Kelley is. Ash is just gullible for believing that slapper.”
“No, this is on Ash not Kelley cos she wouldn’t say that shit ’bout me.”
One of the other guys in our class muttered something. I didn’t hear what it was, other than it set Ant off. His yell came right before a smack and a cry of pain, Ant no doubt punching the guy who’d spoken out against him. That was Ant to a T. He intimidated and terrorised people who didn’t do or say what he wanted—and it was going to stop today.
“Get out, all of you!” Ant hollered. “Or you’ll be next!”
The sound of a mass evacuation followed, the door slamming shut behind the pussies.
Joel started talking again, “Ignore that prick, just cos you pulled down Llewellyn’s pants doesn’t make you a rapist, and Marko will come around when he realises his mistake, while Ash... Maybe Llewellyn’s feeding both Ash and Kelley this bullshit. I heard that Kelley’s and Llewellyn’s mums work at the same place. It makes sense they’d talk.”
“I still think Ash is behind it. He hates me.”
“Nah, he’s just gullible, plus that gaybo’s been hanging around Ash like a fly, pro’bly pretending the same thing happened to him so he can get tight with Ash.”
“What the fuck are you on about?”
“Ash’s stepdad didn’t bash him, he—”
I hollered, “No!” and burst out of the stall earlier than planned, desperate to stop Joel from telling Ant what had happened to me. I’d planned on spray-painting Ant’s locker with the word RAPIST, but there was no way I could hide with Joel about to blurt out the one thing I needed hidden the most.
Crying Out Silent Page 24
