“Ash!” I screamed, struggling to get him to let go, to give him a chance like he was giving me. All thoughts of dying completely went out the window, my need to save him taking over, the reality of what was happening hitting home harder than the waves coming at us. Our pact meant nothing in this moment, what was happening now finally making me choose what I wanted.
To live.
And for him to live too.
I continued to fight to get away from him, not willing to let him keep holding me up while he drowned. His grip grew weak, his hands dropping from my waist. I screamed his name and dived under, seeing him sinking, his eyes closed. I grabbed onto his arms, desperate to save him, but he was too heavy to pull to the surface. Aware I was fighting a losing battle, I let go of his arms and wrapped my own ones around him, choking out a sob. A rush of water filled my mouth and nose, choking me, but I didn’t let go of him, or battle to get back to the surface, knowing this was it, that it was too late.
I was going to die.
We were going to die.
I closed my eyes, no longer fighting the painful feeling in my chest, Ash giving up making the decision for me.
We sank to the seabed together, my mind blanking out...
I came to with a start, something tugging on me. Next thing my head was pushed out of the water, the sudden influx of air making me gasp. Both relief and agony hit me all at once, my lungs and stomach burning like someone had poured red hot lava down my throat. An arm wrapped around my neck as I coughed and spluttered, dragging me along with them. Then that arm was gone, sending me plummeting into the water. I splashed about, trying to get back up. My rescuer grabbed under my arms and dragged me out of the water, grunting as they did it. I slipped free from their grasp and turned onto my side, throwing up, the burning feeling making it excruciating. Once I’d stopped vomiting, I panted like a dog, willing the pain to subside. My rescuer was talking to me, but I couldn’t process what they were saying, the burn just too strong.
Movement finally captured my attention, drawing it back to the sea. A man was swimming towards me, dragging someone along with them. I blinked the water out of my eyes, realising it was my gym teacher and... he was holding onto Ash.
I screamed out Ash’s name and went to get up, but my rescuer grabbed hold of me again, dragging me further away from the water. I struggled to get free, desperate to get to Ash, but my rescuer wouldn’t let go. I yelled out in anger and struck out at them, receiving a yelp in return. They dropped me onto my back, their face right above mine. To my surprise it was Joel. He glared down at me, his soaking wet dreadlocks dripping large droplets of water onto my face. Then he was gone, bolting for the water in only a shirt and boxers, his pants and shoes gone. He jumped over the waves to get to Mr. Daniels and Ash, grabbing onto Ash’s legs as he yelled at Mr. Daniels to hurry. They carried Ash out of the water, laying him down on the sand next to me. His eyes were closed, his normal olive skin so pale, his lips a touch blue. Simply put, he looked dead.
Mr. Daniels dropped down next to him, feeling his pulse, then he was tipping Ash’s head back, giving him mouth-to-mouth. Joel started crying, yelling at him to save Ash. I stared at what was happening as though it wasn’t real—Ash’s unresponsive form, Joel crying, Mr. Daniels frantically pressing on Ash’s chest.
I didn’t want it to be real either, because if Ash died...
That terrifying thought left my head in an instant, one splutter the difference between life and death, water spraying from Ash’s mouth, sending my heart back down into my chest. Mr. Daniels quickly turned Ash onto his side as Ash choked on the water, coughing and spluttering more. I didn’t know how long it lasted for since I was in tears, so relieved he was still alive, that I wasn’t left here without him, because if he had died, there would be no reason for me to have survived.
Ash flopped onto his back, his chest moving up and down rapidly, sucking in air where water had been before. I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around him, sobbing into his chest, pressing my face against him so hard that I could feel his heartbeat in my ears. Or maybe it was mine, my heart beating for him, what had happened making no one more important than Ash.
Gentle hands touched my arms. “Llewellyn,” Mr. Daniels said softly. “Let go.”
I shook my head and gripped onto Ash tighter, unable to stop crying, so relieved that he wasn’t dead. I didn’t know how I could ever have agreed to dying with him. I knew he was suffering, but I couldn’t, just couldn’t bear the thought of him being gone forever, what came before not real, what came after too real.
Then Ash slipped his arms around me, rasping, “Leave her be.”
23
ASH
I tightened my grip on Llewellyn, coughing some more, the seawater stinging my throat. I felt utterly exhausted, my body weak, my chest in pain. I didn’t know how I came to be lying on the beach. The last thing I remembered was desperately trying to hold Llewellyn above the water as my lungs burned, the sea having swallowed me whole. I’d changed my mind out there, not wanting to die, not wanting Llewellyn to die either. It had happened when I’d been holding her, the fear in her eyes reflecting my own fear. She’d clung onto me so desperately, and I onto her, making me realise that life wasn’t as easy to throw away as I’d originally thought, the will to live winning over my will to die.
I looked down at her bright orange hair... Yes, her, because as I’d wrapped my arms around Llewellyn out in the water, I hadn’t felt like I was holding a boy. I’d been holding a girl, like I was doing now, one that was at the moment crying her beautiful heart out. I ran a hand over her wet hair and looked up at Mr. Daniels, who stared back at me with big eyes.
“The ambulance is here,” he said.
I tipped my head back, seeing a man and a woman getting out of an ambulance.
“Llewellyn’s a girl?” someone said, drawing my attention away from the ambo officers.
My focus shifted to Joel, finding him gaping at Llewellyn with one hell of a shocked expression. “Yes,” I replied.
“But...” He tugged on his dreadlocks, squeezing water out of them, looking beyond confused. “Why would he... I mean, why would she pretend to be a boy? What the fuck is goin’ on, Ash? None of this makes sense.”
“She’s both a boy and a girl.”
“What?” he said, looking like he didn’t understand.
“She’s intersex, but she’s a girl to me.”
His gaze returned to Llewellyn. “I can see, she has tits. How the fuck did she hide those?”
“She strapped ’em down.”
“Why would you even pretend to be a boy, Llewellyn?”
I answered for her, “I already told you she’s half boy.”
“She sure as fuck doesn’t look like one,” he said, now sounding angry. “And I’ve seen what’s below. That dick looks more like a clit, and her—”
“Joel,” I growled, warning him to stop.
“What the fuck are you growling at me for? I fuckin’ saved her lying arse.”
I went to snap back that Llewellyn hadn’t lied, but the ambo officers appeared next to us, the male one asking me to let go of L. I shook my head, tightening my grip on her, not wanting to let her go like I had in the water. Soft words were spoken, then a sob sounded, but it didn’t come from Llewellyn, it came from me.
“I can’t,” I said, a sudden burst of emotion coming out of nowhere, the thought of letting her go for some reason terrifying me. We were safe now, but I still couldn’t do it.
Mr. Daniels waved the ambo officers back. “How about we help you two get up together.”
I shook my head, not sure if I could move. “I tried to die, I did, why did you stop me?” I asked, guessing it would’ve been him who’d dragged me out if Joel had saved Llewellyn. I was grateful yet so exhausted and upset I couldn’t function.
Mr. Daniels started breathing heavily, looking like he was trying not to cry himself. “Ash, no one wants you to die.”
“But I do, yet I d
on’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut, letting out another sob, this one combining with Llewellyn’s. “Llewellyn wanted to die too. Ant raped her.”
“I know,” Mr. Daniels said, placing a hand on my arm. “And he will be punished. Although he’s been taken to the hospital, the police have been called. You and Llewellyn can give your statements once you’re well enough to go to the station.”
“It’s all in the diaries, in Kelley’s and mine. Ant hurt Llewellyn so bad.”
“Ash, you’ve already told me all of this. It’s over. He’s caught. Now, come on, you’re shivering, Llewellyn is too. You’ll both get sick if we don’t take you in. The medics also need to check you out thoroughly. You took in a lot of water, plus you were knocked out earlier.”
I opened my eyes, realising there was a stretcher next to me. But I didn’t want to use it, I didn’t want to let Llewellyn go, the overwhelming need to keep hold of her so intense. Mr. Daniels and the male ambo officer helped us up. I tightened my grip at the same time as Llewellyn did, the both of us shivering in our wet clothes. I looked over her head at the sea, knowing the one thing I loved with all my heart almost killed me.
24
LLEWELLYN
I bit my lip to stop from smiling as Ash threaded his fingers through mine. We were sitting on the same hospital bed, dressed in hospital gowns and covered with a blanket. Ash had demanded that we be put in the same room. The nurse had tried to explain that boys and girls weren’t allowed to share rooms. I’d corrected her, saying that I was a boy on my birth certificate, so needed to be in a room for males. She’d looked at me as though I was lying, so I’d told her to check my records if she didn’t believe me. As soon as she’d left to do just that, Ash was in my bed faster than I could blink. I glanced at him, wondering what this meant, but he wasn’t looking at me, he was glaring at Joel.
“Stop staring at Llewellyn,” Ash snapped.
Joel’s upper lip twitched with what looked like annoyance. “What the fuck are you playin’ at, Ash?” he asked, pulling his blanket further around himself. He was also wearing a hospital gown, and like Ash, had refused to leave my room, but not due to me, due to Ash. It was just lucky I’d gotten an empty room, the other bed unoccupied, because there was definitely a storm brewing between the two best friends.
“What do ya mean?” Ash replied.
“Are you two bumping uglies?” Joel answered, referring to a sexual relationship.
“No! Llewellyn’s my mate.”
“I’m your mate too but I’m not in bed with you, holding your bloody hand. What ’bout Tiana? She’s preggers with your baby. Have ya forgotten ’bout her just cos Llewellyn’s grown some tits?”
“Shut your mouth!” Ash snapped.
“No!” Joel pushed out his chair, sending it crashing to the floor. “I won’t fuckin’ shut my mouth after you two tried to commit suicide. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Plenty.”
“So, what? You decide to opt outta the world, leaving me and everyone else who loves you just like that?”
“It wuzn’t just like that,” Ash replied. “And you have no right to say shit. You don’t have a clue what me and Llewellyn have been through.” He gave my hand a squeeze. “Only we get to say whether we live or die.”
Joel’s hard stare moved to me. “So, you’d rather I’d left ya to drown?”
I dropped my gaze and shook my head.
“Looks like your li’l girlfriend doesn’t wanna die after all,” Joel growled at Ash. “What ’bout you? Do ya wish that Mr. Daniels had left ya out there?”
Ash didn’t reply.
“Answer me!”
“Why the fuck should I?” Ash snapped. “You seem to think you own what’s in my brain. Well, you fuckin’ don’t have any right to know shit ’bout what I went through.”
“Stop punishing me for what Chaz did!” Joel yelled back. “And what Ant did too. I defended you, tried my fuckin’ hardest to stop him. Even got knocked out for you. Yet you’re punishing me? You’re hurting me more than Ant hurt you, you fuckin’ arsehole!”
Ash instantly dropped his gaze, his chest rising and falling rapidly, clearly feeling guilty.
“Joel,” Mr. Daniels said, jingling some coins in his hand, holding them out for him to take. “Go grab a drink. Come back after you’ve cooled down.”
Joel waved him off, his eyes returning to me. “Promise me you won’t let Ash try to top himself again, cos he only seems to give a shit ’bout what you think.”
I went to open my mouth but Ash cut me off. “I’m sorry,” he said, raising his gaze to Joel. “I didn’t meana hurt ya.”
“You already said sorry back at school yet you did the exact same thing again, pushing me away, treating me like I’m someone you used to know, not your best friend.”
Ash pressed his lips together, looking like he was trying to get himself under control. “I don’t mean to,” he finally said. “I just can’t deal with things head-on like you want me to. I can only deal with it my way.”
“Tryna kill yourself isn’t dealing with it, it’s running from it.”
“I know, and I shouldn’t have done it. I also shouldn’t have pulled Llewellyn along with me.”
“You didn’t pull me along,” I said. “I suggested the pact, so it was my fault.”
He shook his head. “I wuz the one who suggested drowning.”
“I agreed to it.”
“For fuck’s sake!” Joel cut in. “It’s both your fault!”
I looked over at him, but he wasn’t red in the face anymore, he was crying.
He swiped a hand across his eyes. “Promise me,” he said, sucking in air. “That you won’t do this shit ever again.”
Ash didn’t reply, making me worry that he was still going to try to kill himself.
“Promise me!” Joel yelled. “Otherwise your sorries mean shit!”
“I promise,” Ash said, dropping his head.
Joel’s eyes moved to me. “You too. You needa promise as well.”
I blinked at him. “Why do you care if I live or die?”
“I pulled you outta the water, didn’t I?” He continued before I could answer, “And you’re clearly important to Ash, so you hafta promise too.”
“I...” I looked down at the new bandage around my wrist, then up at Ash. He was staring at me, waiting for my answer too. “Yes, as long as Ash keeps his promise.”
“And as long as you keep your promise,” he said back.
“Are you two in love or sumpthin’?” Joel asked, looking between us, his expression not impressed.
“As I said, Llewellyn’s my mate,” Ash replied, his face going bright red.
“And as I said, I’m your mate too, but you wouldn’t be holding my hand, lookin’ at me all lovey-dovey like you’re doin’ to Llewellyn. Bet you do wanna bump uglies with her, though good luck with that since she doesn’t have a twat.”
“Don’t be cunt!” Ash snapped.
“Right back at cha, bro, cos you’ve been a right cunt of late.”
“I apologised.”
“Yeah, but you’re also avoiding my question. Do ya love Llewellyn? And are you leaving Tiana for him, I mean, for her?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then let go of Llewellyn’s hand and get back into your own bed, cos you’re disrespecting Tiana.”
“I’m not disrespecting her. I’m not goin’ out with Llewellyn.”
“Let go of her hand then or admit you wanna be with her.”
I looked at Ash, expecting him to let go of my hand, to tell Joel it wasn’t like that, but he didn’t reply, instead dropping his gaze to our combined hands.
“So, you do wanna be with Llewellyn,” Joel said.
“It’s not like that,” Ash murmured, still holding my hand, making my heart bang against my chest.
Did he really want to be with me?
Joel continued, “It sure as fuck looks like it. And I didn’t expect you to cheat.”
&
nbsp; Ash’s head whipped up. “I didn’t cheat!”
“Then let go of Llewellyn’s hand.”
Ash’s jaw clenched, then his fingers untangled with mine, the loss of his hand making my heart drop, my hope dropping too.
“So, is it Tiana or Llewellyn?” Joel said, persisting.
“Bloody can it, man,” Ash said. “You seem far too hung up on whether me and Llewellyn are together or not. I just fuckin’ tried to kill myself. Ant tried to rape me—”
“What?!” I said, jolting next to him. “You never told me that!”
Ash grimaced. “I confronted him, he went nuts, blamed me for stopping him from bein’ with you.”
“I don’t wanna be with him! I hate him!”
Ash held out a hand. “I know that, he’s psychotic. But he’s goin’ down this time. Mr. Daniels and Joel saw everything. Mr. Daniels also has Kelley’s diary, which has Ant admitting to your first rape.”
“Fuck,” Joel said. “I still can’t believe he did that shit to you. Wuz it cos he knew you were a chick?”
“You forget he tried to do me too,” Ash said.
“Maybe he’s bi, then.”
“He’s not bi, gay, straight, he’s a psychotic rapist.”
Joel breathed out loudly. “He’s certainly that, what he tried to do... That’s some fucked up shit, he’s one sick puppy.”
I took hold of Ash’s hand again, needing it in mine, needing the comfort, the support, needing him.
Joel’s gaze instantly dropped to what I’d done, but instead of telling me off, he exhaled. “I’m sorry, Llewellyn,” he said. “I had no clue what Ant wuz doin’ to you. That time in the toilets, on your first day, what happened?”
I swallowed, the memory not something I wanted to relive. “He tried to rape me.”
Joel swore. “Why didn’t cha tell anyone? The cops could’ve stopped it right then and there.”
“I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”
“But I saw you leave Ant’s house once. Why would’ja go there if he already tried to rape ya?”
“Stop grilling, Llewellyn,” Ash said. “This ain’t her fault.”
Crying Out Silent Page 26
