“It’s not your fault,” she says. “Not. Your. Fault.”
She bursts into fresh tears, and this time, I can’t help it. I sweep her into my arms, sitting us both on the bed so I can hold her. It’s probably not the best place to be having this conversation - already my body is responding to her closeness, the memories of her naked beneath me in this very spot surging to the front of my mind - but in the limited scope of a hotel room, there aren’t really a lot of other options.
“How can you even bear to touch me?” she says.
What?
I turn so I’m facing her, drawing her face upwards with my hand until our eyes meet.
“Charlie, what are you’re talking about?” I say.
“You told me, you told me you were trying to push me away. And the only thing I got out of that was that you found me irresistible. You told me you’d lose your job, and I was all like ‘we can keep it a secret’ because I’m so selfish, and could only think about how much I fancied you.”
“Fancied?” I say, the meaning of her words not quite coming across in translation.
“Found you attractive,” she clarifies. “Wanted you to take all my clothes off.”
I kiss her. Hard and demanding, loving the way she melts into my arms as I do, the needy little noises she makes.
“I’m selfish,” I say, “because I wanted you the first moment I laid eyes on you. You were vulnerable and alone and reliant on me and I wanted you so much I hated myself for it.”
She strokes her fingers from the edge of my brow down to my jaw.
“So we’re both shitty people and we deserve each other?” she says.
I laugh, but with a groan, I push myself away from her, lying down next to her rather than half on top of her.
“Charlie, I don’t want you to think that I think caring about you, wanting you, was a mistake…” I say.
“But it was a mistake,” she says.
Silence blankets the room. I dwell in it a little while, trying to find the right words.
“We’ve both given in to an attraction that proved too irresistible,” I say. “And we’ve both failed to consider the consequences.”
I turn to her, softening my words with a touch of my hand to her face. Her eyes are bright, sad, as she looks at me.
“You’re royalty, Charlie. Even if nothing else were a factor, I don’t think a nobody UP-LE Captain would be considered a suitable match for you. And me… Well, I told you I like the work, but my job is more than just that. The UP gave me the job because they want to change attitudes. It’s my chance to make a difference for people like me. If I lose it, I’ve wasted that chance.”
I don’t mention that touching her is a crime punishable with a prison sentence. I don’t want to add that to any burden of guilt she might carry.
“There’s no way we can ever see each other again after you take me home, is there?” she says.
“No,” I say, and a single syllable has never been harder to say.
For a long moment, we just lie there. I hate myself for letting things get this far. I hate myself more for not being capable of regretting it.
“Do you know why I watch so many documentaries?” she says.
I’m confused by the change in conversation.
“It’s because my life is so small. I have this routine and it’s the same things all the time. Get my nails done, go shopping, maybe have lunch with Nat, my sister. Post pictures on social media for validation from people I hardly know any more. Have a drink in the evening. Then bed. Rinse. Repeat. Watching programs about other people and other places… It let me experience things I never thought I’d get the chance to do in real life. No. Things I thought I was too scared to take the chance to do if I ever got it.” She sighs, brushing her hair out of her face. “You make me feel brave, Dhak. You make me feel like I don’t have to be limited to watching these things - that I could go out and experience them for myself. You make me feel like I don’t have to be small anymore. So this could never be a mistake for me. I’ll never think of you that way, no matter what happens.”
I turn over and kiss her, deep. Fierce. When I break it off, I press my forehead to hers.
“Charlie, I’m so sorry this got out of hand,” I say. “I never wanted to hurt you. Never. Being with you has been the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. If there was a way to pause time and stay in this moment with you now, I would do it without hesitation. The Universe is an ugly place, particularly to people like me, and you’ve been a bright light in the darkness. A piece of joy I never thought I’d have the good fortune to find.”
She shuffles closer to me, presses salty kisses to my lips.
“You deserve so much better than how the Universe treats you. I wish there was something I could do.”
“Maybe you can,” I say. “Maybe when your people join the Protectorate, you can fight for me. A friend in a high place is a very useful one.”
I’m trying to lighten the mood but she doesn’t smile.
“Dhak, what if… what if I don’t have the kind of power you might think I have?”
I think of everything I know about her. The man who preyed on her, the boyfriend who made her feel awful. There’s an imbalance of power somewhere, and Charlie might be a princess, but she’s on the wrong side of it.
“Then you’ve still given me the greatest gift anyone could give me. All the beautiful memories I have of you.”
“What? Yelling at you for being a crap pilot?” she says. “Acting like a brat on Denestra and accusing you of wanting to leave me behind?”
“Yes, all those,” I say, laughing. “And the memory of how your body feels under mine. The memory of your kiss. The memory of your taste.”
“Then let’s make some more of those memories,” she says.
Chapter 26
Charlie
We don’t leave our room again - ordering room service instead of going out for a meal. I cite a headache as the reason why I won’t be joining the manager in the restaurant. She’s clearly annoyed, but I don’t give a damn. I just want to talk to Dhak, spend time with him, spend time kissing him. So that’s what we do.
When the morning rolls around, my heart is heavy. Chasira is only a few hours from Zeno gate, which is only a few hours from the rendezvous point with the diplomats who are supposed to be working with me to introduce Earth to the wider Universe.
I wish there was a way I could let Dhak know about my plan. I wish I could reassure him that, whatever happens, it doesn’t mean anything. That he shouldn’t let it change how he thinks of me. How I feel about him.
But I can’t. Telling him anything would jeopardise the plan. He has to look surprised. People have to see him looking surprised. They have to know that he had nothing to do with the lies being told.
I don’t know whether it will be enough to save him. But it’s the best chance I can give him.
We fly out towards Zeno Gate. Dhak has the ship to keep himself busy with, so I try to watch a documentary to occupy my mind, stop me dwelling on everything I’m about to lose. It doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t work.
Traveling through Zeno Gate turns my head inside out again, but it’s not as bad as the trip through Nova. I guess you really do get used to it. Still, I can blame my quietness, my maudlin mood on what Dhak calls gate sickness. He’s trying to be upbeat and I know I have to try harder.
Then, suddenly, I can see a familiar sight in the distance. A little marble of blue and green. Earth. Home.
Funny how the closer I get, the further away it actually feels from being ‘home’.
“There’s the diplomat ship,” Dhak says, indicating a speck on the radar. “The Equity. The Protectorate has dreadful naming conventions for their ships. They’re all called things like ‘The Justice’ and ‘The Temperance’.”
I detect a hint of nerves beneath his blather. For the last time, I reach out and take his hand.
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I say.
<
br /> He squeezes my hand, then lets me go.
I head down to my room while Dhak brings us in to dock with the Equity. I pack what few things I have in to the bag that the Vetruen women gave me. I know it’s all going to be confiscated, but I have to look like I expect to keep it. When I come to the crystal necklace, though, I hesitate. I don’t want it to be one of the things just taken off me and thrown away. It means too much to me for that. So I sneak down to Dhak’s room and find his jacket, slipping it in to one of the inside pockets, where I hope no one but him will find it. I want him to have this little piece of me.
I only wish I could keep something of him.
Dhak calls me over the ship speakers to let me know we’re about to dock. There’s a slight bump, wobbling me on my feet, and then a hiss. Dhak appears in the doorway of my room and for a moment, we just stand there staring at each other. I can feel tears burning in my eyes and give myself a mental slap. I have refused to let so many people see me cry in my life. I can do it now.
“We should get moving,” Dhak says.
“I know,” I say. I pick up my bag, but put it down again. “Dhak?”
“Yes?”
“I love you,” I tell him. “I want you to know that. Whatever happens. I love you.”
His arms are round me, and he’s kissing me. I’m breathless when he finally stops, pressing his forehead to mine.
“You know I love you,” he says, then rips himself away from me.
I bite my tongue so hard I’m scared I’ll bite through it, but it centres me. Stops the tears from falling.
And then we’re walking through the Starlight, into what Dhak calls the airlock. He checks a few settings, then unlocks a heavy looking door. On the other side, a corridor of pristine white. He gestures for me to walk ahead of him, and I do, trying to keep my head high.
Time for the performance of my life, I think.
I know the diplomats know the moment I see them - all of them stony faced. There’s not a jot of warmth in any of their demeanours and I steel myself, squaring my shoulders as I smile at them, like I’ve not got anything to be worried about.
“Hello,” I say, brightly, “a pleasure to meet you all, I’m Princ…”
“Spare us,” the nearest one - a severe looking bloke with white hair and red skin. Vetruen, I think, by his sharp features. “We know who you are Charlotte Warren.”
Oh good, we’re not going to waste any time then.
“The true princess is just a child,” another says. “Only ten Earth years old. And not missing. You didn’t really think this ruse would last?”
I press my hand to my mouth and giggle, like being found out to be a liar is hilarious.
“Oops,” I say, deliberately not looking at Dhak, resisting every urge I feel to turn round and tell him how sorry I am. “Guess you were always going to find out sooner or later.”
I get one chance to steal a look at Dhak - catching a brief glimpse of his stunned expression - before I’m whisked away into a room and grilled for what feels like hours about why I lied about who I am. I roll out my ‘be kind, I’m not very bright’ voice and tell them a load of crap about thinking I could order people round and get them to buy me nice things. I say that it was so fun telling Dhakhar what to do, and that he had no idea I wasn’t a princess. I show them my chipped and grown out acrylics and blather about how I love designer clothes but can’t afford them, and if you had the opportunity, well, wouldn’t you take it? Not my fault no one ever asked me to prove it.
It’s the first time I’ve used this persona not to save my own ass. My one super power. Making people underestimate me.
And then, the groundwork laid, I do the thing I really don’t want to do - the thing that makes me feel sick to my core. I talk about Dhak in terms of hybrid stereotypes. I question his mental faculties, say he’s only good for taking orders. I try to remember all the derogatory ways the Chasira shop girls talked about him and use them one by one. And the final cherry on the cake, I lavish praise on H’Varak, make him out to be really intelligent.
I think they get fed up with my prattling, because they eventually sigh and leave me alone. It’s another hour, maybe, before they return.
“Okay, Charlie,” the female diplomat says. “Please follow me to the medical bay.”
“Do I need some shots before I’m sent home?” I say.
“Just follow me.”
I wonder if she’s going to explain that I’m about to have my memory wiped, or if she plans to save herself the hassle. To be honest, I’m hoping she doesn’t tell me. Saves me the bother of having to fight against it.
After five minutes of walking, the diplomat stops in front of a closed door.
“The doctor is just going to take you through a few questions, then prepare you for return to your home planet,” she says.
Not going to tell me then, I think. Good.
Because now I’m close to it, my heart is pounding in my chest, terror racing through every inch of me. I don’t want to have my memory erased. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve done, every way I’ve grown, everything I’ve become. I don’t want to go back to being that small person who thought Jason was the best thing to ever happen to her.
I don’t want to lose Dhak.
More than anything, I don’t want to lose Dhak.
If the diplomat had said anything, I might not have been able to prevent all that truth spilling out.
She knocks on the door, then hands me over to the doctor. A Vetruen woman with bright pink skin and purple hair. She gives me a bored look, then goes through a series of rote questions about my general health. I answer all of them blandly, my mind elsewhere.
“Have you got any family history of strokes or clots?”
“No.”
Dhak’s hands on my face as he tried to calm me in the mines. The first time he’d touched me of his own accord.
“Any history of cluster headaches or migraines?”
“No.”
Dhak’s lips on mine as he tried to figure out kissing.
“Have you taken any mind altering substances in the last month?”
“No.”
Our bodies entwined with each other.
“Have you been diagnosed with any neurological disorders?
“No.”
I swipe away the single tear that escapes before the doctor can see.
“Just one final procedure,” the doctor says. “We need to scan you for any contaminants that could affect the eco-system of your planet.”
So that’s the lie they’re going with. And they looked down their noses at me for pretending to be a princess.
I’m taken through to a chamber that looks a little like an MRI scanner. The room and the machine look exactly like the sterile white hospital rooms of slick television programs.
“Just lie down here,” the doctor says. “The procedure doesn’t take long. It will be over before you know it.”
I lie down on the table. As I do so, restraints hook around my arms and legs, tightening until I can’t move. My heart pounds as the table shoots backwards into the small tube of the machine. My hands would be shaking if they could. The enclosed space makes me panic, my breathing going shallow, fast, my heart lurching almost out of my chest.
A light comes on in front of me.
“Don’t be small,” I whisper. “Don’t be small.”
And then…
Chapter 27
Dhakhar
I’m thrown into a waiting room while they deal with Charlie, told someone will be along to speak with me shortly.
Their idea of ‘shortly’ is not the same as mine. It’s hours before anyone comes. Time for me to get worked up and calm myself back down several times over. Time enough for me to replay that moment in my mind over and over again.
We know who you are, Charlotte Warren.
And she just giggled like it was all a game.
Like she hadn’t lied to me.
Even last night as we lay in bed t
ogether and I’d told her she was royalty. She didn’t correct me, even then.
Why?
And why the stupid, giggling act. That’s not the Charlie I know.
Or do I just not know her at all? All those stolen moments in her arms… Did I just think I knew who I was kissing? Was any of it real?
I remember what she said to me in her bedroom. The bedroom we’d been sharing for the better half of the journey.
I love you. I want you to know that. Whatever happens. I love you.
She wouldn’t have said that if she didn’t mean it. Had no reason to. Had nothing to gain from it then.
I go back and forth between these two sides. It wasn’t real. It had to be. But she lied. But did she lie about that. Round and round, until I’m ready to scream or hit something.
When the diplomats return, they come with a Dravosic guard, and I know then I’m screwed.
“We’ve spoken to your Commander,” one of them says. “He says responsibility for checking on Ms Warren’s identity was entirely down to you.”
“Of course he vecking did,” I say.
Not wise, but… what have I got to lose at this point?
I’m escorted to a proper holding cell, read my rights and told that dinner will be served at five ship time. Until then I have nothing to do but sit, wait.
Wonder how things went so vecking wrong.
It’s a full day before they’ll allow me to comm anyone. We have to get out of Earth’s protected space first, back through Zeno Gate, but not to the system with Chasira. We take a different route that drops us right in the centre of the core systems, not far from Vetrue itself. I’m transferred from the Equity’s holding cells to a proper cell on planet Frejnith - homeworld of the Protectorate’s Law Enforcement division.
There’s nothing soldiers and law enforcers hate more than one of their own gone rogue, so I get no allowances from any of them. But they do give me a chance to make a comm, locking me alone in a room with a comm console and telling me I’ve got thirty minutes max. For at least five of those thirty, I debate who best to call, eventually settling on the last person I’d have thought I’d call in a situation like this.
Dhakhar Page 23
