by Dave Barry
EXERCISE NUMBER TWO:
THIGH GRASP
Lie on your stomach with your face resting on a New York Times “Fall Fashion Supplement” opened to a photograph of a model who consumes fewer calories in an entire year than you do at a single wedding reception. Slowly reach your hands down and grasp yourself by the left thigh, then the right, and then close your eyes and moan quietly in despair for a count of about eight seconds.
EXERCISE NUMBER THREE:
SINCERE ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTENTION
TO CHANGE DIETARY HABITS
You and a partner stand facing each other about three feet apart, legs comfortably spread, knees slightly bent, eating from individual one-pound bags of Wise brand potato chips. You say, “First thing tomorrow I swear to God I am definitely going to go on a diet, I really mean it.” Your partner responds, “Yes, me too. I definitely will go on a diet also. I believe there is a vat of Lipton brand California-style onion dip in the refrigerator.” Then you exchange places and repeat the exercise.
EXERCISE NUMBER FOUR:
BREAST DEVELOPMENT
Originally, I was going to use this space to describe an amazing new Scientific Discovery exercise that enables any woman to develop, within minutes, two large, firm breasts such as are regularly featured on television star Loni Anderson. But then I said to myself, “Hey, isn’t it time that we, as a liberated society, got over this juvenile and demeaning fixation with breasts?” So I have decided to omit this particular amazing, risk-free, 100
percent effective exercise, although of course if you wish to obtain a copy for the purpose of scientific research, I’d be happy to send it to you just for the asking, plus $29.95 for postage and handling. If you act right now, I’ll also send several grainy before-and-after photographs of women who used to look like Olive Oyl but now, thanks to this Amazing Breast Exercise Discovery, cannot walk erect unless preceded by native bearers.
Cooling Down
As we discussed in Chapter 1, when you exercise, your muscle cells take in molecules of oxygen and give off molecules of sweat, which work their way to your armpits. For your cooling-down phase, lie on your back with your arms laced behind your head and your elbows on the floor, thus exposing a maximum of armpit area and allowing the sweat molecules to escape into the atmosphere as harmless BO vapors. This would be an excellent time to start worrying about nuclear war again.
Chapter 4. Running
An Important Safety Note about Running
In this chapter, I can give you only a cursory overview of running, which is without question the most difficult and complex form of exercise, as is evidenced by the fact that it is the subject of numerous lengthy books costing upward of $14.95. Unfortunately, many members of the general public still labor under the dangerous misconception that running is simply a matter of getting out and running. So before you attempt to do any actual running, I strongly urge you to read a minimum of several books on the subject and to take lessons from a trained running instructor. I also cannot overemphasize the importance of spending large sums of money.
What Kind of Person Should Take Up Running, and What Will Happen to This Person’s Knees
Running is the ideal form of exercise for people who sincerely wish to become middle-class urban professionals. Whereas the lower classes don’t run except when their kerosene heaters explode, today’s upwardly mobile urban professionals feel that running keeps them in the peak form they must be in if they are to handle the responsibilities of their chosen urban professions, which include reading things, signing things, talking on the telephone, and in cases of extreme upward mobility, going to lunch.
That’s why at the end of the working day, when the lower classes have passed out facedown in the Cheez Whiz, you can drive down the streets of any middle-class neighborhood in America and see dozens of professionals out running with determined facial grimaces, burning off calories, improving the efficiency of their cardiovascular systems, increasing their muscle flexibility, and ultimately staggering off into the bushes to die. Even as you read these words, thousands of designer-sportswear-clad bodies are rotting in the bushes of suburban America, and the only reason you don’t hear more about it is that the next of kin generally don’t report the disappearances, because they are quite frankly pleased that they no longer have to listen to the runner blather on and on about his or her cardiovascular development.
Of course, not all runners die in the bushes. Many fail to make it that far, because of knee injuries. To understand why, let’s look at the interior of the human knee.
What we can learn from this is that, although from the outside your knee feels like a croquet ball inserted in the middle of your leg, it is in fact a complex organ consisting of bone, muscle, thong, and mucilage, bounded on the west by Spain. The knee provides adequate support for everyday activities, such as renewing magazine subscriptions or gesturing at cretins in traffic, but it is not designed to withstand the strain placed on it by running, where each time the runner’s foot hits the pavement, the knee is subjected to 650,000 kilocycles of torque, and even more if the runner has been dropped from a helicopter. This is why it is so very important to choose the right running shoe.
Choosing the Right Running Shoe
Time was, of course, when there were no running shoes, only “sneakers,” which were bulky objects that cost $12 and said “U.S. Keds” on the side and had essentially the same size, weight, and styling characteristics as snow tires. But today’s topflight running shoe is a triumph of sophisticated, computer-designed, laser-augmented, fully integrated, infrared, user-friendly technology and space-age materials, packed with dozens of medically proven health and safety features, and all combined into a small and lightweight unit that, surprisingly, costs no more than a black-market infant.
Choosing the Left Running Shoe
Most running experts and bankers recommend that you wait until you’ve completely paid for the right running shoe, including insurance, before you plunge in and buy the left. When you do, I urge you to shop around for a shoe that is as similar as possible to the other one, except in so far as which foot it goes on. This is assuming that you intend to wear both shoes simultaneously.
What to Wear on the Rest of Your Body
You should, of course, wear a specially designed $200 Running Garment made from a synthetic material that has a name like the leader of a hostile reptilian alien invasion force in a space movie, such as “Gore-Tex.” The beauty of these materials is that they actually “breathe.” Really. At night, if you listen very carefully to your closet, you’ll hear your garment in there, breathing and occasionally chuckling softly at some synthetic joke it heard from your dress slacks.
Where to Run
One good place to run is in the Olympic marathon, because (a) you have to do it only once every four years, and (b) you have an armed motorcycle escort, so if people try to thrust liquids and fruits at you, which is a common problem in marathons, you can order your escort to fire a few warning rounds into their chests. The big drawback with running in the marathon, however, is that you have to consort with a bunch of sunken-eyed running wimps, some of whom are not even United States citizens.
This is why many people prefer to run, unescorted, on the streets of their own neighborhoods. The big problem here is dogs, which will view you as an intruder and may attack you, especially if they can smell fear on your body. This is why the wise runner carries a small spray can of a chemical originally designed for use by mail carriers. If a dog attacks, you simply spray this chemical into your nose, and within seconds you don’t feel any fear of any damn dog. Be careful that you don’t stare directly into the sun.
Chapter 5. Popular Sports
Mankind’s need to compete in sports goes back to that fateful prehistoric day, hundreds of thousands of years ago, when a primitive man first picked up a club and a primitive ball fashioned from animal hide, tossed the ball aloft, then whomped the club into the sloping forehead of a primitive umpire. Since then, th
ere has never been a civilization that did not engage in sports. Archeologists digging in what was once ancient Sumeria recently found the remains of a primitive stone jockstrap. This goes a long way toward explaining why you see so few Sumerians around.
In ancient Greece, the Olympic games were considered so important that when it was time to hold them, the Greeks would lay down their arms and invite their enemies to do the same. Then the Greeks would snatch up their arms again, whack their enemies into pieces the size of candy corn, and celebrate by having the Olympic games.
Back then, of course, the only events were running naked, jumping naked, throwing things naked, and ice dancing. Today, we have hundreds of sports to choose from. In this chapter we’re going to look at some of the more popular modern sports, so you can choose the ones you wish to incorporate into your overall fitness program. As I have stressed repeatedly throughout this book, before you embark upon any new form of physical activity, you should notify your doctor’s answering service.
Ski Jumping
Ski jumping as a form of exercise has grown immensely in popularity in recent years, especially among people who, because of knee problems, cannot jog. This exciting sport got its start as a symptom of mental illness in northern climes such as Norway and Sweden, where it is cold and dark and there is very little to do except pay taxes. Life is depressing in these countries. Watch any movie by the famous Swedish director Ingmar Bergman, and you’ll notice that all that ever happens in the entire two hours is depressed people sit around talking Swedish, which sounds like Fats Domino records being played backward, only a little too slow. This is what life in Sweden is actually like, except that it often lasts longer than two hours. After a while, the strain gets to people, and they suddenly leap up, barge out, don skis, and launch themselves off giant chutes.
Americans did very little ski jumping until the television program “Wide World of Sports” began showing a promotional film snippet in which a ski jumper hurtles off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of his body (for a discussion of the various important organs and their functions, see Chapter 1). Fitness buffs saw this and realized that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be very good for you, so the sport began to catch on. Today, most major hotels offer ski jumping facilities for the convenience of business travelers. Also, thanks to a new, innovative portable device, you can even engage in “simulated” ski jumping indoors! So there’s really no excuse not to get into this popular sport, except a will to live.
Peewee Football
Although most people think of Peewee Football as a “kid’s game,” more and more fitness-oriented urban professionals with a love of physical contact and a sincere desire to lie about their ages have discovered that there’s no better way to get rid of frustrations than to lean down, take a handoff (by force, if necessary) from a 48-pound quarterback, and plow through an entire team of 8-year-old boys on the way to a 97-yard touchdown run. Not only is it fun, but nutritionists (never mind which ones) tell us that the average 40-year-old male burns off ten extra calories for each child clinging to his ankles!
One word of caution here: If any other urban professionals have discovered your particular Peewee Football league, you want to make sure they play on your team. This is also a good practice to follow with any unusually large eight-year-old boys.
Racquetball
This is a popular sport wherein you and another person go into a white room, close the door, and attempt to injure each other in the eye. Originally, this was done by whacking a ball against a wall in such a way that it would bounce back and strike the other person, but your highly competitive modern player tends to ignore the ball and lunge straight for his opponent. This is why you first should determine the playing style of your potential opponent and then decide whether you need a “traditional” or a “competitive” racquet.
Professional Ice Hockey
Professional ice hockey is an ideal way for the entire family to keep fit. There’s something for everyone: the kids will love participating in a loose, freewheeling sport where everybody makes the play-offs and the only activity that is specifically prohibited is selling narcotics to your opponents on the ice; Dad will appreciate the fact that he’s improving his cardiovascular efficiency while at the same time fleeing large vicious toothless stick-wielding men whose frontal lobes have been battered into prune-sized masses of scar tissue; and Mom will be pleased to learn that many of the players come from Canada, so she’ll have a chance to “brush up” on such French phrases as Arretez vous! Je suis une femme! Cest ma balle d’oeil! (“Stop! I am a woman! That is my eyeball!”)
Golf
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. The basic idea is to stand on top of a hummock, squinting into the distance, wager, then saunter over to another hummock, and so on until it’s time to drink. That may not sound like much exercise to you, but in fact every one of these activities except drinking consumes calories, as shown by this scientific chart.
GOLF ACTIVITY CALORIES CONSUMED
Ascending hummock 2.04959
Squinting 0.00035
Wagering 0.00102
Descending hummock 1.84958
Sauntering to next hummock 4.02013
Saying things like “You certainly did bogey that par-six eagle nine-iron wedge, Ted! Ha ha!” 0.00076
Tipping wiry youth who carries equipment 0.00007
Thus we see that in the course of a typical “round” of golf, lasting just four hours, you could burn off enough calories that you could then go out and eat the better part of a slice of Wonder bread with only a minor weight gain.
Swimming
Swimming is one of the best forms of exercise, provided you remember to follow these simple safety rules:
1. NEVER SWIM IN A LAKE OR RIVER. These contain snapping turtles, which have no natural enemies and therefore grow to the size of motel units, plus they tend to be irritable because they mate for life. Lakes also contain giant lake-dwelling carp, which will watch you from the loomy depths with their buggy eyes, wondering with their tiny carp brains whether you would fit into their mouths.
2. NEVER SWIM IN THE OCEAN. The ocean contains creatures that make the giant lake-dwelling carp look like Bambi.
3. NEVER SWIM IN A SWIMMING POOL. People pee in swimming pools. Oh, I know you don’t pee in swimming pools, and I certainly don’t, but somebody does, which promotes the growth of bacteria, which is why swimming pool owners are always dumping in toxic chemicals, to the point where there is virtually no actual water in the pool, just toxic chemicals and dead bacteria and old pee. This is why, as you may have noticed, the actual owner never gets into the pool. He’s always off pretending he has to do something important involving the filter.
Pig Lifting
This is probably the quintessential fitness activity for today’s upscale young urban professional, who more often than not will forsake the old-fashioned “three-martini lunch” in favor of going to his posh downtown club, sometimes with an important client, for a hard 45 minutes of pig lifting, followed by a soothing hose-down. More than one major business deal has been forged this way, and the cry “Anyone want to hoist some pork?” is likely to echo down the corridors of power for many years to come.
Fitness for the Business Traveler
Anyone who travels a lot on business will tell you that it isn’t easy: eating at a different restaurant every night, having the maid leave little chocolate mints on your pillow, ordering a late-night hors d’oeuvre platter from Room Service while you watch in-room movies such as Nubile Olympic Gymnasts Visit the Petting Zoo, and all the other little hassles and inconveniences that go with life “on the road.” But for the businessperson who’s into physical fitness, there’s yet another problem: finding a way to work out. Here are some suggestions.
Without question, the best way to work out in your hot
el room is to turn on the television at the crack of dawn and watch one of the morning workout shows featuring the Obscenely Cheerful Leotard Women. Believe me, there’s no more invigorating way to start the day than to lie in a darkened hotel room and listen to these women leap around and shout encouragement at you until you work up the energy to hurl your hors d’oeuvre tray at the TV screen and order Room Service to send up several orders of pancakes immediately.
Center-City Jogging
Although a few forward-looking hotels now offer a service whereby a staff person from a third-world nation will do your running for you while you are in meetings, in most cases you must still attend to this tiresome chore yourself. This isn’t so bad if your hotel is located in, say, Nebraska, where the only danger you face on the street is that you might trip over a pig. But it can be a real problem if you’re in a large urban area such as New York City, where the vast majority of the people on the street are drug addicts, pickpockets, muggers, rapists, murderers, or partners in advertising agencies.
This doesn’t mean you can’t run: it means you must take steps to protect yourself. A gun will do you no good. It would just be stolen. No, what you need is a safety device I designed especially to solve this problem—the Urban Runner’s Simulated Gaping Chest Wound, which operates on the proven scientific principle that no urban resident will go anywhere near a person who is clearly in desperate need of help.
