by Janet Dailey
Chapter Nine
THE NEXT DAY Selena stood on deck alone and watched the Delta Queen pulling away from Madison, Indiana, after their morning's stop, a town renowned for its classic examples of fine architecture. Everything and everyone on the riverboat seemed quieter, the excitement of yesterday's race over and the realization that tomorrow morning they would be in Cincinnati, journey's end.
With a sigh, she turned from the railing and walked into the forward lounge. Just as she entered, she saw Julia walking toward the passageway leading to her stateroom. There was no spring to her step and no happiness in her expression. A surge of compassion swept through Selena at the agony of uncertainty and confusion the older woman was going through.
"My, you look glum, Miss Merrick," a voice commented. "I hope your cruise with us has been more enjoyable than your expression indicates!"
Selena turned to find Doug Spender, the chief purser, standing beside her. She forced a smile, "I've enjoyed the cruise very much. I was thinking about Julia…Miss Barkley—" she glanced in the direction the older woman had taken "—and wishing there was something I could do. I feel so sorry for her."
"Yes, I know what you mean," he agreed. "All of us in the crew, especially the ones that have been with the Delta Queen for several years, are very fond of Miss Julia. It seems a shame that she keeps putting herself through this year after year."
Selena found his comment curious and looked at him with a frown. "I beg your pardon?"
"Don't you know?" An eyebrow arched in faint surprise.
"Know what?" she questioned.
"Leslie has been dead for fifteen years. He was killed in a car crash on his way to Louisville to meet Miss Julia," the chief purser explained.
"No!" Selena paled. "No, I didn't know that."
"It's true. Tragic but true," he concluded.
"Mr. Spender!" One of the other passengers approached to claim the chief purser's attention.
Shaken by the information, Selena left the room in a daze, unaware of where she was going until the briskness of fresh air touched her skin. She was on the outer deck. With a trembling hand, she groped for the support of the railing.
She couldn't take it all in. Leslie was dead. He had been for fifteen years. And Julia, dear sweet Julia, was going through the whole sequence of events again, probably just as it had happened fifteen years ago. A sob bubbled in her throat, and she swallowed it back. Poor Julia, she thought.
"Selena, are you all right?" Chance was beside her, studying her waxen complexion with concern.
She looked at him, a fine mist of tears blurring her vision. "I've just found out…about Leslie," she explained tightly. "He's dead."
"Ah, yes." His features were suddenly grim and there was a sardonic inflection in his voice. "Julia must have got the message about the accident now."
His response struck a raw nerve. "You're a cruel, heartless man. You don't have any compassion at all!" Selena flared bitterly. "The happiest day in my life is going to be the day I get off this boat and see you for the last time! You're disgusting! Totally disgusting!"
With the last spitting word, she swept away from him to reenter the lounge. Inside the door, she hesitated for only a second before making her way to Julia's stateroom. It didn't matter that Leslie had been dead for so long. Julia still needed some comforting, and it was certain that Chance wouldn't provide it. Besides, Selena wanted to understand why Julia was doing this.
She knocked twice on the door, lightly, and heard Julia's muffled voice bid her enter. As Selena walked in, she saw the older woman tucking the message card back in its small envelope, the one that had accompanied the bouquet of roses delivered the first day of the cruise, the one that read "I love you. May I always and forever be—your Leslie." Selena felt the grip of poignancy in her throat.
"Selena, my dear, come in and sit down," Julia welcomed her graciously. "I was just—" she fingered the small envelope in her hand and smiled wistfully "—rereading the note Leslie sent me with the roses."
Selena took a seat on the bed near Julia. "I don't know how to say this exactly," she began hesitantly. "But I just found out that Leslie is dead."
Julia frowned, "No, that isn't until tomorrow." Then she lifted a hand to her lips, discovery of Selena's meaning dawning in her eyes. "Oh, someone has told you that he's been dead for some time. You must think I'm crazy for pretending he's still alive."
"No." Selena shook her head and would have added more.
But Julia interrupted with a wry smile. "If not crazy, then just a little bit eccentric."
"I just don't understand why you put yourself through this."
"But don't you see? It was the happiest time of my life," she explained. "Oh, it did end tragically for me when Leslie died, but before that I felt warm and alive and wonderful, knowing I was going to marry him."
Selena still didn't understand. It was revealed in the confusion of her green eyes. Julia took her hand gently, as one would take a child's, and patted it.
"I was an old maid threatening to turn into a starchy, stiff, older old maid, when I met Leslie sixteen years ago. My father always accused me of being too choosy. The truth was that I'd only received two proposals in my life, both from men I abhorred," she said with a mock shudder. "Then when Leslie came into my life, I began feeling like a real woman instead of an aging imitation. Maybe our marriage wouldn't have worked, as my family said, but I'll always be grateful to him for the way he changed me. When I lost him, I was afraid I'd turn into a bitter, starchy old maid, that I would shrivel up inside myself again. That's when I decided I had to keep taking this cruise."
"To renew the memories of how you felt." Selena was beginning to follow Julia's reasoning.
"It's a harmless game of make-believe I play in my mind. Until this trip, I've never involved anyone else in my pretending except a few members of the crew, whom I have known a long time."
"Yet this time you included me."
"Yes, I did," Julia admitted somewhat ruefully. "Perhaps I shouldn't have, but your reactions, your concern and interest made all the sensations so very real again. I hope you don't think badly of me. I truly meant no harm."
"I don't—I couldn't," Selena assured her, affection for the older woman gleaming in her eyes. "You've merely found an uncommon way to stay young at heart. It was just a shock to learn that Leslie was dead, has been dead for some time. I was worried that—" She hesitated, uncertain of how to phrase it.
"That I was trying to bring Leslie back from the grave?" Julia inserted in the blank.
"Something like that, yes," Selena nodded.
"No, I only want to keep the gift of life that he gave me," Julia explained. "I loved him and I'm sorry I lost him. But it doesn't accomplish anything to forever mourn the loss of a loved one. You must learn to rejoice in the good things they left with you. That's all I'm trying to do."
"I understand." And she did.
"I was sure you would," Julia smiled. "After all, you know how it feels to be in love, how warm and deliciously alive it makes you feel inside."
"Me?" Selena echoed with a blank look.
"You've fallen in love with Chance, haven't you?" Julia tipped her head to the side on a questioning angle.
"I—" Selena started to deny it, then was jolted by the discovery that it was true. "I…have, yes."
"It's a grand feeling, isn't it?"
"It is," she agreed weakly, but the realization was too new for her to know exactly what her reaction to it was. An announcement came over the public-address system, but she was deaf to the sound, listening only to turnings of her own mind.
"They're serving tea in the aft lounge. Shall we go have some?" Julia suggested.
"What?" For a moment the question didn't register, then Selena shook her head, copper-colored hair moving briefly against her shoulders. "I have some packing to finish yet and I want to shower and change before the Captain's Dinner tonight." She rose from the bed and Julia stood, too.
"I
think I will have a cup," she decided, then smiled. "In a way, it's something of a relief that you know about Leslie. I knew I had to tell you the truth before the cruise was over. I do feel better now that you know and understand."
"So do I," Selena agreed, but her mind was elsewhere and she took her leave of Julia the instant she could.
The Captain's Dinner that evening was the only meal on the cruise where the passengers were required to wear formal dress. Selena dressed with elaborate care, her stomach feeling as if there was a convention of butterflies held within its walls.
Her gown was a special one, saved for this occasion, although at the time she hadn't known this last dinner of the cruise would be specially significant in another way. It was quite likely her last evening meal with Chance.
As she walked down the grand staircase, the busboy was going through the forward cabin lounge ringing the dinner chimes. Chance was near the base of the stairs with Julia. Selena hesitated for a split second when he glanced up, her heart pounding against her ribs. She felt the assessing sweep of his gaze and was reassured by the knowledge that her appearance was flawless.
Her dress was a filmy chiffon print of flowerets against a background of royal blue with bolder floral panels. It had a peasant neckline and billowy raglan sleeves with a long, shirred skirt. Its overall effect was totally feminine, a perfect foil for the gleaming copper of her hair.
Her heart leaped into her throat when he stepped forward to meet her. Tall and devastatingly handsome, he wore a rich black suit that emphasized his dark looks and that aura of something dangerous. There was an admiring glint in his eyes, but he offered no verbal compliment regarding her appearance.
"Shall we go down?" he addressed the question to both Selena and Julia.
"Yes," was all Selena managed. Her tongue was all tied up by her heartstrings.
It proved to be a difficulty that she couldn't overcome. She felt awkward and unsure of herself, unable to behave naturally in his presence. The champagne, courtesy of the captain, she barely sipped, afraid it would loosen the knots and let something slip.
Her silence went unnoticed, thanks to the numerous toasts by the captain and crew before dinner and the entertainment afterward thus making conversation at their table almost unnecessary. At the close of the entertainment before the dancing started, Julia made a discreet withdrawal to leave the two of them alone.
But Selena knew the kindly attempt was wasted. She was too uncomfortable and self-conscious to be alone with Chance and much, much, too aware of the way she truly felt toward him to behave as she had on previous evenings.
"Excuse me, I think I'll call it a night," she declared with a stiff smile, and rose from the table.
"Aren't you going to stay for the dancing?" he questioned mildly.
"I still have some packing to do," Selena lied. "Good night."
"Good night," Chance returned.
At the stairs leading to the cabin deck, Selena paused to glance over her shoulder. Chance had lit one of his cigars and was absently watching the smoke spiraling from the burning tip. He seemed not the least interested in her departure. It looked like a case of "out of sight, out of mind." Selena turned and walked slowly up the steps, trying to keep her head held high and not reveal how much his attitude wounded.
She wakened early the next morning. She had barely slept all night. The most she had managed was fitful dozes. Rising, she dressed and did the last of her packing, setting her luggage outside the cabin door.
There was already a line at the purser's office in the forward cabin lounge when she entered the room. Moving to the end of the line, she waited with the other passengers to settle what charges she had to pay. She saw Chance walk in and tried to ignore him as well as the crazy leaping of her heart.
His searching gaze found her in the line and he made straight for her. The boat's whistle blew the signal that it was coming in to dock. They had arrived at Cincinnati. Selena supposed Chance was coming to say goodbye and she wished he wouldn't.
When he stopped beside her, she offered a tense, "Good morning, Chance."
He didn't bother with a greeting. "I want to talk to you, Selena." His dark gaze flickered to the other passengers covertly observing their exchange. "Privately if you don't mind."
Her nerves started jumping. She didn't want to speak to him alone. She was afraid she would blurt out something that she would regret and make a terrible fool of herself in the process.
"I'd lose my place in line," she protested lamely. "Can it wait until I'm through?" Maybe then she could slip away and cowardly avoid the meeting.
"No, it can't," he insisted, eyeing her steadily.
She couldn't hold his gaze and glanced at her watch. "I don't have much time, Chance. I have a flight to catch back to Iowa."
"You can always catch a later flight." There was a hint of impatience in the line of his mouth.
"Maybe I can, but I'm not going to," she retorted.
Chance moved a step closer, his gaze narrowing in an intimidating fashion. "We are going to have this talk," he said, lowering his voice to a level of dangerous quiet. "I'll make a scene if I have to, Selena. Is that what you want?"
Compressing her lips tightly, Selena swept past him with a slightly angry toss of her head. His hand immediately clasped her elbow to guide her onto the outer deck, up the stairs to the texas deck and ultimately to his cabin.
"We can talk outside," Selena declared nervously as he inserted a key into his door lock.
"I said privately." He gently but firmly pushed her resisting figure into the cabin ahead of him, then closed the door.
Instantly she turned to face him, her pulse behaving erratically at the implied intimacy of his cabin. "All right, you've bullied me into agreeing to this conversation," she attempted to challenge him. "What is it that you have to say that can only be said in your room?"
"I simply chose a place where we couldn't be seen or overheard," he reasoned, that dark, enigmatic gaze of his studying her closely. "My cabin seemed the place that would provide that."
"What is it you want to say?" she demanded again, her breath not coming at all naturally.
"My aunt tells me that you've found out about Leslie and her little pretense," he stated.
"That's true," she admitted.
"And?" A dark brow lifted with a touch of arrogance.
"What do you mean—and?" Selena asked, frowning.
Chance took a minute to study the cabin key in his hand. "Don't you find her behavior a little strange?" When the question was out, he glanced at her, his eyes shuttered by a black wall.
"By strange, I suppose you mean weird or crazy." An angry hurt began building, making her voice quiver slightly. "I expect you think I'm going to condemn her behavior the way you do. Well, the truth is, Mr. Chance Barkley, that I find her little pretense unusually touching. So if you think for one minute that you've found an ally in your attempts to end these trips—and I'm presuming that is what you've been doing, rather than trying to stop an imaginary elopement—then you're very sadly mistaken. I applaud what Julia is doing and I'm going to do everything I can to encourage her to keep right on doing it. If you had an ounce of feeling for her, you'd do the same. Instead you're just a self-centered, insensitive brute who tries to bully everyone into doing what you want—"
His arms were around Selena and his mouth was crushing hers into silence before she knew what was happening. For an instant, she was rigid in his embrace, then she melted, unwilling to deny her heart what it wanted. She was breathless and shaken when he finally lifted his head.
"I only asked for an answer to my question." There was a peculiar glint in his eyes that puzzled her. "I didn't expect to receive a lecture."
His arms were still locked around her, holding her close. Finding his mouth too compellingly close for her peace of mind, Selena stared at his shirt buttons.
"Then you shouldn't treat your aunt the way you do and you wouldn't be getting any lectures," she replied defensi
vely.
"And just how do I treat my aunt?" Chance bent his head, tipping it slightly in an effort to see her face.
"You know how you treat her," she insisted weakly. "Every time she mentioned Leslie's name on the boat, you'd go all cold and hard, totally unsympathetic to her feelings. And look at how you tried to stop her from even taking this cruise—you and your high and mighty family. You did your best to persuade her not to come. Don't forget, I was there," she finished more strongly.
His mouth twitched. "That was part of the act, Red."
Warily, she met his gaze, dark and sparkling with an inner light. "Do you mean you were only pretending that you didn't want Julia to take this cruise?"
"That's right," he nodded.
"And you came on the boat with her as—"
"No," Chance quickly corrected that delusion. "I came on the boat because of you and that little matter of the money you took from me."
"Oh!" Selena breathed.
"The second reason I came aboard," he continued, "was because I'd found you with Julia and the two of you were very cozy and friendly. At the time I had every reason to suspect your motives for befriending an elderly and wealthy woman."
"I suppose so," she conceded.
"As far as my reaction to Leslie's name was concerned, I didn't like the idea that Julia was involving you in her little game of make-believe. At first I thought you knew it was only a game and were going along with it. When I realized you didn't, I knew eventually you would find it out and I kept imagining what your reaction would be. Julia is very fond of you, and I didn't want to see you hurt her with any biting comments about her sanity," he explained. "Julia accuses me of being overly protective. Perhaps she's right. All I know is that I was irritated because I couldn't protect her from your ultimate discovery."
"But I don't think she's crazy for doing it," Selena protested.
"That's what she told me this morning. She said you understood her reasons, but being the cynical skeptic you've often described me as, I had to find out for myself."
