by Jessica Wood
I drew in a sharp intake of breath at my mother’s words. Up until now, I’d never thought she’d been unhappy. She had spent most days shopping, having long lunches with friends at the country club, or going to the spa.
Apparently my father was equally surprised by this revelation. “You didn’t seem so bored when you’re spending my hard-earned money on $50,000 shopping sprees and a brand-new car for our pool boy who you screw on the side!”
I took a step back and braced my body against the wall for support. I had grown up that thinking my parents were happy and loved each other. I had grown up thinking that their marriage was the kind I wanted for myself when I grew up. This has to be a mistake!
But from my mother’s surprised expression, I knew there was no mistake.
“How did you know about the car?”
My father sneered. “That boy can’t afford a BMW 5 Series on his pool boy’s ten-dollar-an-hour salary. Besides, I’ve seen the way you watch him when you’re laying out by the pool. I run a multibillion-dollar company. I didn’t get there in life by being an idiot.”
My mother pursed her lips and shrugged.
“So did you love him?”
I turned quickly to look at my mom to see what she’d say.
“Him?”
“Yes, Damian’s real father! The one you fucked twenty years ago while we were married!”
“No, I didn’t.” Her answer was short and she didn’t elaborate. She turned her back away from us and looked out the kitchen window into early evening darkness.
I looked at the man standing before me. Behind the anger in his voice, I could tell that he was devastated and beaten down. “You’re not my father?” I asked in a low voice.
He didn’t look at me in the eye. Instead, he handed me a folded-up piece of paper. “The proof,” he said solemnly.
My mother turned toward me. Her head perked up as her eyes stared at the paper in my hand.
I cautiously unfolded the paper. At the top of the paper was St. Joseph Hospital’s letterhead. This was a letter that appeared to summarize some lab results. I looked from the paper to my father and then to at my mother, who immediately looked away from me.
“What is this?” I asked my father.
“They’re test results I had done.” He sighed as he rubbed his temple with his hands. “Remember a few months ago when we found out my father had a genetic blood clotting disorder?”
“I remember. Genetic thrombophilia?”
“And remember how they took genetic samples from us to test us for this same disorder?”
“Yes.”
“Well, the blood results came back, and according to the results”—he looked at me with pain-filled eyes—“we’re not related. You’re not my son.”
I felt the wind knock out of me as I took in his words. “You’re not my son.” His words rang in my ears
“There must be a mistake.” I shook my head, refusing to accept this as the truth.
“I’m sorry, son. That’s what I thought too and called the hospital. The results are accurate.”
I looked at my mother, hoping she could say something that’d prove that the results were wrong. She remained silent as she looked down at her feet and folded her arms.
“Mom? Who’s my biological father?”
“I don’t remember,” she finally admitted under her breath.
“What do you mean?”
“There was more than one guy at the time,” she mumbled.
“How many more?!” my father demanded, his nostrils flared as his chest rose and fell in angry breaths.
“I never kept count!” she shot back.
My mouth gaped open at my mother’s admission that she’d slept with more men than she knew.
“Have you been screwing men during the entire time we’ve been married?” the man I’d thought was my father roared at her.
My mother didn’t answer and looked away.
“I’ve had enough! I can’t take this! I want a divorce!” I watched my father explode in rage in front of me as he grabbed his wallet and keys from the kitchen counter and headed toward the front door. When he got to the door, he spun around and glared at my mother. “I’ve loved you, provided for you, was faithful to you throughout our twenty-three years of marriage. And now I find out—from a fucking blood test no less—that you’ve been screwing countless other men for over twenty years and the son I’ve loved for the last nineteen years isn’t even mine!”
“Don’t blame this on me! You were never home! A woman has her needs too! There’s only so much shopping and spending time at the country club a person can take before they’re bored out of their mind!”
“You disgust me that you can turn your infidelity and lies around and make it my fault.” My father shook his head as he grimaced and opened the front door. “I don’t ever want to see you again. You’ll hear from my lawyer!”
With that, I watched my father of nineteen years storm out.
I slumped back onto the couch in the living room, unable to take in everything that had just happened. I felt the room whirl around me as I realized that everything I’d thought I’d known about my parents and my life had been an illusion built on a lie that had just shattered everything in my life. This moment reminded me of something that had happened when I was just five. I had been playing cops and robbers with Annie, my nanny. I had been the robber and had been running from room to room while Annie chased after me. I remembered laughing in sheer delight as I ran as fast as my tiny feet would take me. While I was running past the living room, I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and accidentally knocked over a metal ornament from a side table. The sharp end of the item hit against the floor-to-ceiling window that ran along one side of the room, leaving a small crack. I rubbed my tiny fingers against the glass to feel the crack, and suddenly, the tiny, barely noticeable spider-vein-sized crack began to expand under the pressure of my fingers. Annie rushed to my side and pulled me away just in time as the entire wall of glass came crashing down and shattered onto the hardwood floor.
And as I sat here on the couch in the same living room that the wall of glass had shattered into a million pieces fourteen years ago, I realized that my mom’s infidelity was like that spider-vein-sized crack. No one had known it’d existed but her, and for the last twenty years, we had lived like a happy family. But then tonight, without any notice, that spider vein grew and spread, and before I’d known what was happening, everything I’d thought I’d known about my life had shattered into pieces.
Only with this spider vein crack, Annie wouldn’t be able to rush to my side and protect me from getting hurt by the shattered pieces. The truth had come crashing down on me. It had destroyed my life. It had destroyed me.
***
Present Day
I stepped on the gas when I merged onto Interstate 80 and felt the power of the engine roar into life.
“Damn, they don’t make engines like this anymore!” I said to myself. I leaned my seat back as I enjoyed the vibration of the engine against me. Buying a vintage car was the last thing I’d thought I’d ever do, but when I saw a ‘For Sale’ flyer for this 1967 Ford Mustang in the bar yesterday, I’d felt like I had to have it. It was a spontaneous thing to do, and I’d needed something to help me blow off some steam. I’d been frustrated and on edge for the past two weeks and I’d needed a distraction.
I rolled down my window and brushed my hair back as a gust of cold morning wind hit against my face. I focused on keeping my mind clear. I’d been trying to think about anything but her. I shifted in the driver’s seat and switched the radio to a classic rock station, blasting the music up so loud I couldn’t hear myself think.
But it was hopeless. It didn’t help. There was one and only one thing on my mind: Alexis. I groaned in frustration when my mind drifted back to her.
She had plagued my mind ever since that text two weeks ago. Since Italy, I’d had some time to think. I was torn between who I’d thought she was w
ith the possibility that she was exactly like my mother. My mind screamed that all the signs pointed to the same thing: Alexis was pregnant with Chris’s child. The secret texts and calls between Alexis and Chris, the call Alexis had had with the doctor’s office about an upcoming appointment to find out some test results, the fact that Chris was the name of Alexis’s most recent ex-boyfriend, the fact that I hadn’t seen Alexis drink a drop of alcohol in the last two weeks, and—my hands punched the steering wheel in anger at the last thought—the fact that Alexis hadn’t let me fuck her for several days now.
Even though I knew all this, I couldn’t shake this feeling that I had it all wrong. I couldn’t seem to accept that Alexis was with Chris and had played me for a fool. No matter how my head laid out all the facts, my heart rejected the thought that the first and only woman I’d ever had any sort of feelings for would hurt me like this.
But your mother was able to fool the man you thought was your father that she was faithful for over twenty years! a voice screamed inside. Don’t be as stupid as that man!
I shook my head, trying to get rid of that voice. I stepped farther down onto the gas and beelined through the Saturday morning traffic. I’d been waiting for her to tell me the truth about Chris and what she’d been hiding from me. I wanted to be patient with her because a part of me didn’t want to believe that she was anything like my mother. But I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to hold on to my patience.
My blood began to boil as my mind raced with images of Alexis and Chris together. It wasn’t until I parked in front of my bar that I realized my knuckles were bone white from gripping the steering wheel too tightly. I knew I needed to see Alexis. Thinking about her with another man was bad enough, but not having sex for the last three days was pushing me into a state of frenzy.
I jumped out of the car and ran up the steps to the second floor. I knocked on Unit 205.
A minute later, Alexis opened the door, and I saw the deer-in-headlights expression on her face.
“Hi!” she exclaimed in a high-pitched voice.
“Hey, baby!” I pulled her toward me and kissed her on the forehead.
“Did we have plans to hang out this morning? I wasn’t expecting you.” She smiled at me, but it wasn’t that warm smile that caused my stomach to flip—the smile I’d loved so much that caused a cute, tiny dimple to appear right above the left corner of her soft, pink lips. This smile was empty.
“No, we didn’t have plans, but I wanted to see you. Why? Are you busy with something?” I casually looked over her shoulder, half expecting Chris to appear behind her shoulders. Stop being so fucking paranoid! I tried to reason with myself. Since Italy, Alexis and I had spent most of our free time together. I’d also asked Beth, one of the bartenders at Damian’s, to keep an out on when she came and went from her apartment building. I told her that Alexis had an ex-boyfriend who had taken advantage of her in the past and I was concerned for her. So far, Beth hadn’t seen anything suspicious.
“No, I’m not busy at all. I just woke up.” She yawned as she rubbed her eyes.
I looked at my watch. “It’s eleven a.m.”
“Yeah. I guess I was really tired last night.” I watched her shift slightly as she looked at her feet.
“How are you feeling?”
“What do you mean?” She looked up at me in concern. “I’m fine.” Her eyes seemed swollen and she looked like she hadn’t slept at all last night.
I brushed my hand across her neck and tilted her face up toward me. My thumb caressed her cheek and I gently kissed her forehead. Something’s wrong. Why does she look so sad? As I watched her downcast demeanor, I felt every shred of anger I had for her melt away. I realized how much I wanted to see her happy.
“Well I know you got off work early yesterday because you felt under the weather. And then you never came down to the bar last night to see me. You just sent me a text saying you didn’t feel well and was heading to bed.”
“Yeah. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday.” She looked up at me, but when I met her gaze, her quickly looked away.
“I stopped by after I received your last text with some homemade chicken noodle soup, but you didn’t answer your door.”
“What? You cooked?” There was a genuine look of surprise on her face.
I chuckled, glad to see something besides sadness on her face. “Okay, you got me. I didn’t cook. It is homemade though!”
I saw the confusion on her face and laughed. “Some nice lady at a restaurant made it. She said it was a family recipe.” I pulled her closer to me and gave her a wink. “But I did walk five miles in the blistering cold, uphill both ways, and even fought off a homeless person to get the soup.”
She giggled and rolled her eyes. “What does that really mean?” she challenged.
“Okay. Fine, fine. It wasn’t cold at all and there were no hills. But there was a bum, but he was fast asleep on a corner of the street.” I shrugged and gave her a sheepish smile. “And I just walked down the block and back.”
“You’re such a liar.” She slapped me playfully against the chest and smiled up at me. Yes, the smile is back. As the warmth of her smile radiated through me, I realized how much I’d missed that smile—how much I’d lived for that smile.
“Sorry about last night. I was really tired and didn’t want to get out of bed. I must have been asleep when you stopped by with the soup. I’m sorry you went to the trouble for nothing.” She frowned apologetically.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you got a chance to rest. And don’t worry about the soup. I gave it to the homeless guy. Seemed like he was in need of a good meal.”
“That’s so sweet of you.” She pulled me down and kissed me gently. “Thank you for being so thoughtful,” she whispered between our lips.
“Anything to see a smile on those lips.” I smiled at her and wished I could push the doubts from my head. “So how are you feeling today?”
“I’m okay now.” She gave me a reassuring smile.
“You sure?”
She nodded. She pulled me closer and buried her face into my chest. “It’s good to see you,” she whispered.
I let out a deep sigh and held her tight around me, wishing things could be this simple, with her in my arms. The warmth of her body within my arms seemed to wash away all the anxiety and frustration I’d been feeling. You have no idea how much I need you. You are my oxygen, and I need you to feel alive. I wanted to say these things to her, but something made me hold back those words. I couldn’t bare my soul to her when I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me.
“So you want to grab breakfast or something?” she asked, finally breaking the perfect silence between us.
“Actually, I had another idea.” I smiled down at her and felt a need grow at the pit of my stomach. My cock twitched, reminding me what had been missing for the last few days.
“Does it involve food? I’m starving.”
“Sure. We’ll pick up some food on the way.” I grabbed her hand. “Come on. Grab your keys. I want to show you something.”
I saw the confusion in her eyes. “What?”
“Come on! I bought something and I want you to see it!” I led her down the stairs.
“What’s gotten into you? What did you get?” She looked at me nervously as I pushed open the front door leading out to the street.
“Isn’t it fucking sick?” I motioned to the sleek black Mustang.
“What? You bought a car?” Her mouth gaped open as she stared at the car in disbelief.
“Come on! Jump in!” I opened the passenger door and motioned for her to get in. She got in as she stared at me with wide eyes.
“Wait, when did you get a car?” she asked as she put on the seatbelt.
“This morning.” I gave her wicked smile and wink. “I was in the mood for something spontaneous.”
“Oh.”
As we drove off, I looked over at her, wondering what she was thinking.
For a few agonizing minutes
in silence, I pulled over in front of a deli. “Everything okay?” I glanced over at her and she met my eyes.
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat and turned to smile at me.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly as I tried to keep calm. There was something about the emptiness of her smile that caused me to panic. “Is something on your mind? You seem like you’re deep in thought.”
“No. Well, I guess this car is a bit of surprise.”
“Well, you know me. I’m full of surprises.” From the reaction on her face, I knew she’d detected the hint of sarcasm in my voice.
“So where are we going?” She looked at me tentatively.
“I wanted to drive up to Marin Headlands.”
“Oh, where’s that?”
“It’s on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge toward Sausalito. There are some nice areas up there where you get some of the best views of the bridge and the city.”
“That sounds nice.” She looked out the window toward the bridge. “I can barely see Golden Gate Bridge though. It’s pretty foggy over there.”
“That’s fine. By the time we grab some food and get up there, the fog will have burned off.”
Twenty minutes later, after a quick stop at a deli, we were crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. I could tell that Alexis was in a better mood as she smiled with a sparkle in her eyes as we drove through it.
“I can’t believe you’ve never crossed the bridge. You’re such a country bumpkin,” I teased.
She made a face at me. “I haven’t lived here for that long, and you kinda need something that I don’t have to drive across this thing.”
“What’s that?”
“A car.”
We both laughed.
“I guess you’re right. A car would be important to drive through here.”
“It’s gorgeous.” She had her head out the window, marveling up at the bridge with wide eyes.
“Wait until you see the view.” I looked over at her, and our eyes locked. For that brief second, it felt as if nothing were wrong between us.
