by Sarah Hepola
“It’s just that I look at you, and it’s clear you know who you are,” she says. I am wearing sweatpants pulled from the floor, because I was running late, and no makeup. Not my most Hollywood look. But it’s also true that I am not befogged with need and wanting anymore.
I don’t know how it happened, or exactly how long it took. But I looked up one day and discovered, to my own shock as much as anyone else’s, that I was something approaching the woman I might like to be.
“I was in the exact same place as you are,” I say, tears filling up my eyes. “I was lost for a very long time.” And even if she doesn’t understand, I can see that she believes me.
As for whether she’ll stop drinking or not, I can’t tell you. I have no idea. Every sobriety tale is a cliffhanger. None of us knows how our story ends.
But these conversations are good for me. They deliver me from my own sorrow. They remind me of my usefulness. They keep me from forgetting. How I got here, how I climbed out. I forgot too many things for far too long. Not just what we did last night, but who I was, where I wanted to go. I don’t do that anymore. Now I remember.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SARAH HEPOLA’S writing has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, The New Republic, Glamour, The Guardian, The Morning News, and Salon, where she is an editor. She has worked as a music critic, travel writer, film reviewer, sex blogger, beauty columnist, and a high school English teacher. Her website is sarahhepola.com. She lives in Dallas.
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Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
WELCOME
DEDICATION
PRELUDE
INTRODUCTION
PART ONE ONE: THE BEER THIEF
TWO: STARVED
THREE: DRESSING IN MEN’S CLOTHES
FOUR: DRINK MORE AT WORK
FIVE: THE STRANGER
SIX: THE LIFE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED
INTERLUDE: BEGINNING
PART TWO SEVEN: ISN’T THERE ANOTHER WAY?
EIGHT: EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR THE GROUP
NINE: BINGE
TEN: SEX
ELEVEN: POWER BALLAD
TWELVE: THIS IS THE PLACE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
NEWSLETTERS
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
This memoir reflects the author’s life faithfully rendered to the best of her ability. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of others.
Copyright © 2015 by Sarah Hepola
Cover design by Henry Sene Yee
Jacket photo by Herman Estevez
Cover copyright © 2015 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First ebook edition: June 2015
Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
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The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
The author is grateful to Salon, Nerve, and The Morning News, where some of the material in Blackout first appeared in a different form.
This is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life by David Foster Wallace. Copyright © 2009 by the David Foster Wallace Literary Trust. Used by permission of Little, Brown and Company.
ISBN 978-1-455-55457-7
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