by Lesley Crewe
“So I’m the last resort. I’m the loser who doesn’t have anything better to do than hear all about it.”
Lexie could see the hurt.
She looked down at her lap. “You’re the only one I could think of.”
Tears fell down Lexie’s face. “Mom, do you know how hard this is? I love Daddy. I can’t believe he’d do something like this. I can’t believe it and I can’t bear it.” She stopped to grab a tissue out of her pocket and wipe her nose. “A man I cared about walked out on me without a word not long ago. But I always knew there was one man who wouldn’t let me down, and that was Dad. And now you tell me he’s having an affair? What am I supposed to do about it? How am I supposed to feel?”
Her mother didn’t say anything.
Lexie’s anger built and she had nowhere to go with it. She grasped at straws. “How do you know this anyway? Maybe some idiot got the wrong idea. You could have it backwards.”
“I saw him come out of her house.”
“So what? That means nothing. He always wanders in and out of people’s houses. He still make a few house calls.”
“At four in the morning?”
She couldn’t believe this. “You snuck around someone’s house at four o’clock in the morning?”
“I’m not proud of it but I had my suspicions and I wanted to know.”
“Have you asked him about it?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say?”
“He denied it.”
“So maybe you’re wrong.”
The wind out of her sails, she slumped forward, her energy gone. “Oh God, maybe I am.”
They were quiet.
Lexie finally asked. “Who is it anyway?”
“Lillian Holmes.”
That’s when Lexie knew her mother was right.
A few years before, Lexie’s friend Martha invited her to Halifax for a comedy festival. She was looking forward to it and went over to ask her parents if they’d feed Sophie. They stood around the island in the kitchen and picked at cold cuts and sliced cheese.
Lexie picked up a piece of smoked meat. “This stuff will clog your arteries.”
Dad said, “What a way to go.”
Her mother laughed. “You better not say that at the conference.”
Lexie swallowed. “What conference?”
“A medical conference in Halifax this weekend,” Dad informed her.
“You’re kidding. I have to go too. Can we drive down together?”
She waited for her dad to say, “Sure Princess…let’s ride off into the sunset.” But he hesitated. “Actually, I have to take a few colleagues with me. I’m afraid we’d be too crowded.”
Mom said, “I didn’t know some of the staff were going.”
He was vague. “Yeah, it’s part of some new orientation.”
Mom laughed as she put the leftovers on the same plate. “I’m glad it’s you. Imagine having to sit through boring presentations by all those stuffed shirts.”
Lexie and Martha spent the day in Halifax window-shopping. They caught up on all their news, and stopped for lunch at a local pub, where they sat at a table out on the terrace. They had a beer and shared a plate of chicken wings under a large umbrella.
That’s when Lexie saw her father. He was stopped at the corner across the street waiting for the light to turn green. Lillian Holmes was with him. She was one of the social workers who worked at the hospital. Dad would recommend her to his patients. Lexie liked her: she’d stop Lexie if they ran in to each other to ask how things were. She was interested in hooked rugs, and wondered if Lexie would ever sell her one.
“There’s my Dad.” Lexie started to wave, but stopped. Lillian looked like a young girl, as she chatted and gestured with her hands. Her face lit up as she threw her head back and laughed. Dad laughed too. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. The light turned green and they walked away from Lexie, arm in arm.
“Was that your mom?”
“No, a good friend.”
She convinced herself it was too much wine at lunch. After all, this was her father. She enjoyed the comedy festival that night and never thought of it again.
That was around the same time Lexie started to see a psychiatrist after bursting into tears during her yearly check-up with her family doctor.
“Lexie, you’re suffering from a little depression.”
“Of course I’m not. It’s that winter SAD or SAPPY thing I read about in the papers. Not enough sunlight.”
Her doctor ignored her. “I’ll set up an appointment with Dr. Chow. I’d like his input.”
“Dr. Chow? Oh lord, wait till Mom hears this.”
“She doesn’t have to know.”
“You’re joking, right? Have you ever known anything to be a secret for more than five minutes in this town?”
“Lexie, you’re a grown woman. It matters not a whit whether your mother knows you’re seeing a psychiatrist. It’s none of her business. It’s yours.”
After the first awkward sessions, Lexie burst forth like a volcano, but Dr. Chow was calm, the sloth of the medical world. Nothing unnerved him. Which was a good trait to have because when he entered his office, she didn’t even let the poor man walk over to his chair before the whole sordid story of the affair came out in a rush. Lexie was furious. At first it was with her dad. By the end of the hour she was livid with her mother.
“Why did she tell me? She knows I adore my father. Why would she hurt me like this?”
“She’s hurting too.”
“Oh yes, blah, blah, blah,” she chimed like a spoiled brat. “If she wasn’t so judgmental, he wouldn’t be in another woman’s arms. She drove him to it.”
“Nobody gets driven where they don’t want to go. Think about it.”
She chewed her nails to the quick thinking about it. It was just crummy having to do it all alone. Her mother dumped this huge burden on her. Why was she was always the packhorse who carried the load?
She wanted to talk to Beth, to see if she knew anything. To sit down at her kitchen table would be deadly. Beth was no dummy. She’d be instantly alert that something was up, and would drag it out of Lexie before her first cup of tea. Lexie didn’t know why she was being considerate to this particular sister lately. Normally she and Beth butted heads at every opportunity, but lately she seemed vulnerable. Or maybe it was the talk with Rory.
She offered to go with Beth to buy the girls shoes. This was a monster chore. There’s no such thing as one little girl getting new shoes and the others not. She knew that much from past experience.
“Oh God, would you?” Beth sighed. “Rory’s hopeless at the mall. He wigs out in the first five minutes. Not that I blame him. I carry the baby. He chases the other three.”
“I’ll be the chaser.” Lexie knew full well her nieces wouldn’t run amok. She had candy in her pocket.
They drove the student who worked in the store insane. While she went into the back behind the curtain for the twentieth time, Lexie saw her chance.
“Have you seen Mom lately?” she asked nonchalantly, trying to buckle up three pairs of shoes at the same time.
Beth sighed. “Do you think I have time to run over to Mom’s? I can barely get myself dressed in the morning. She never comes over to our house unless it’s on the way to her precious club. Just long enough to kiss the girls, but not long enough for them to get their sticky fingers all over her suit.”
Beth seemed so fed up Lexie decided it was not the time to ask about Dad. But then Beth roused herself long enough to look at her. “Why do you ask?”
But before she could answer Beth turned her head. “Michaela, get over here now.” Michaela slowly dragged herself back from the store entrance. She hated shopping.
Lexie had a brainstorm. “I wondered if she heard from Gabby.”
Beth believed her and sat back. “No, I don’t think so. She’d obviously tell us. Or tell me anyway. She doesn’t want to discuss Adrian with you.”
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“Why? Because she blames me for bringing him home in the first place? Am I responsible for what happened?”
“Probably.”
Lexie couldn’t believe she said that.
“I’m only kidding Lex. Of course she doesn’t blame you. She worries that you liked him and you’ll hate Gabby forever because of what happened.”
“Why would I hate her? He meant nothing to me.”
Beth looked at her. “I know better.”
Lexie dismissed her sister. Beth knew nothing about what Lexie thought because she didn’t know herself. Not really. It was too painful to remember that her heart yearned for him. Their time together seemed very far away.
She spent such a big portion of her life avoiding her own thoughts. She wondered if that’s why she kept her hands busy. She poured her emotions into her rugs, knitting, costumes and paintings. Even the poor walls of her house were coloured with her moods.
She went home that night and opened the trunk at the end of her bed. In it, on top of everything else, was Adrian’s sweater. A large cable-knit sweater, the kind fishermen wear to keep from freezing as they haul lobster traps before dawn.
Every vibrant colour she loved was in it. She’d dyed the wool herself, late at night, after he’d gone to bed. The sweater wasn’t finished the day he left. She put it in the trunk the night of Mom’s phone call and never looked at it again.
Suddenly she knew it didn’t matter if she never saw Adrian again. She couldn’t leave his sweater hidden away, incomplete and wanting. She needed to finish it, for him. She wanted it near. But she wanted it done.
Gabby lay on the bed in the small furnished flat she and Adrian rented in Toronto. She turned over and reached for the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was eleven in the morning. Adrian had been gone for three hours now. She turned the clock around and flipped over on her stomach. She chewed her bottom lip as she hugged her pillow.
It was great in the beginning. They didn’t go anywhere because they couldn’t stay upright. They spent weeks just being together with no thought of the future. Adrian seemed content with that, so she kept herself busy organizing the finances and making arrangements about her job. She bought Adrian new clothes, since his were almost threadbare.
Whenever she pushed the issue about their inability to galvanize a plan of action, Adrian would suddenly need to go for a walk. Finally, in desperation that morning, she told him the only thing they had to decide was what they’d do with the rest of their lives and where they’d do it.
That’s when he disappeared.
She got up from the bed and went to the window. There was no sign of him. She sighed and when she did, she fogged up the pane of glass, so she reached out and traced a heart.
Adrian eventually came home around four o’clock that afternoon. She didn’t say anything to him and he didn’t offer an explanation. They ordered take-out from a Chinese restaurant down the street and went to bed early. It was only in bed that they seemed to be at ease with each other and during those moments, nothing else in the world mattered. But on this night, Adrian woke up screaming.
Gabby jumped out of deep sleep. Adrian was sitting up in bed, staring at nothing. Sweat poured down his face.
“Darling, are you all right?”
“Lexie. Where’s Lexie?”
She tried to comfort him. “She’s okay, Adrian. She’s fine. Nothing’s happened to her.”
He was only half awake. “No. I want her. I want her to hold my hand. Please. I need her.”
Gabby shuddered.
Lexie barged through her mother’s back door. “Anyone home?”
She heard the vacuum cleaner as it rhythmically droned above her head. She put her pan of squares on the kitchen table and continued on. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs.
“Mom!” Nothing. “Oh, Mother dear!”
She grabbed the newel post and swung herself back and forth, like she had as a kid. It made her feel better, and it passed the time.
The vacuum cleaner stopped.
“Is that you Lexie?” her mother shouted from what she guessed was the master bedroom.
“Yep. I brought you something.”
“Okay, I’ll be right down.”
Lexie walked back to the kitchen and made a pot of tea. Then she took the low-fat brownies she made that morning and put them on a plate. She set the teapot and cups on the table, and sat and waited for her mother.
They hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks. Mom must have been embarrassed. She probably got home that night and regretted dropping the mask she so carefully wore. Lexie thought she might be ashamed. But she had no reason to be—she wasn’t the one who was cheating. Lexie wanted to tell her that.
Mom walked in the room. Lexie was taken aback. She’d lost weight. She looked older.
“Hi Sweetheart.”
“Hi Mom.”
“What brings you here today?”
“I was thinking about you. I don’t have to be at the library until two. I made brownies this morning. Would you like one?” Lexie poured the hot tea into the china cups.
Her mother looked at the brownies as she sat across from Lexie. “Oh, my. Don’t they look decadent? I’m not sure I should. How many calories for one, do you think?”
Lexie’s heart sank. With everything else going on in her life, why did she dwell on calories? She wore a size six.
Lexie tried to be patient. “Mom, I think you could probably afford to put on a few pounds. You look a little drawn. Have you lost weight?”
“Oh, who knows. Maybe.”
“Mom, you have to look after yourself. You can’t fall apart.”
Her mother suddenly straightened up in her chair. “What do you mean, fall apart? I don’t plan on it. Now or ever.”
Lexie reached to cover her mother’s hand with her own, but her mother picked up her teacup instead.
“Mom, I know this has been a big shock, so let’s figure it out together. We need a plan of action. I’m in your corner, okay?”
“Lexie, what on earth are you talking about?”
She started to lose her patience. “This miserable dilemma you’re in. What will you do about it?”
“Do about it? I’m not going to do anything. There’s nothing to do.”
Lexie thought she’d gone mad. “Did you or did you not tell me about Daddy’s affair?”
“Yes. So what.”
“So what?” She threw her arms in the air and slapped them back down on the table. Her tea spilled over the cup and into the saucer. She was incredulous.
“Yes, Lexie. So what?”
Her mother got up from the table and went to stand by the kitchen sink to look out the large window facing the back of their property, the scene of so many parties and good times. She was still.
Lexie waited.
“Some day you’ll know that life is a complicated and difficult journey.”
She snorted. “Someday? I know already.”
“Yes, of course you do.” Mom started again. “I forget you girls are grown. What I mean to say is sometimes we do things that don’t make sense to someone else. That’s all we can do. We have no choice.”
“Mother, you do have a choice. Everyone has a choice. No one gets driven where they don’t want to go.”
She looked at Lexie and frowned. “What?”
Lexie flicked her wrist in the air. “Oh, nothing. Forget I said that. What exactly are you telling me?”
“I want you to forget what I said the other day.”
She groaned, “You’ve got to be joking.”
Her mother didn’t answer.
Lexie was suddenly furious. “Now you want me not to know what I know. If you didn’t want me to know it, why didn’t you go to your minister and spill the beans after choir practice?”
Mom shouted, “I wish to God I had. I’m sorry Lexie. That’s why I haven’t pestered you on your stupid answering machine for the last two weeks. I feel badly I burdened you with this. I
didn’t mean it. I had nowhere else to go.” She paused. “And I’m not proud of this. I’m not proud at all, but maybe I just wanted you to know your precious father…” She stopped.
“My precious father what?”
She looked at Lexie with tear filled eyes, but she was angry. “He’s a man, an ordinary man. He’s not a saint; he’s not always the good guy and I’m always the bad guy. He’s your father and I know you adore him. That will never change. He adores you too. He didn’t do this to hurt you, he didn’t even do it to hurt me. It happened.”
She took a deep breath. “But the fact is, I am hurt. I’m ashamed and humiliated. And no doubt everyone in this damn town knows about it. But you know what? I won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I am. I’m the injured party. I’ll hold my head up and let them think I know nothing about it. I refuse to have a screaming match with your father, throw his things on the lawn or run over to Lillian’s house and pull her hair.”
She stared out the window again. “I’ll not leave my wonderful house, my beautiful garden, and the life I’ve made for myself. If I can’t be everything to your father, that’s my hurt. But it’s a private hurt. It’s between a husband and wife.”
She gave Lexie a sad smile. “It’s not for our children to agonize over. It’s not something you should try and fix. It’s between two people who loved each other and still do, but not in quite the same way. It’s something I have to sort out for myself. It’s not meant as fodder for the gossips at the tea and sale.”
She suddenly covered her face with her hands.
“Oh Mom.” Lexie ran to her and wrapped her arms around her. Her mother pressed her face into her neck. She whispered, “I’m so sorry, Lexie. Please don’t tell your sisters.”
“I won’t.”
“What would I do without you? You’re my strong one. You’re the one I lean on.”
“It’s okay Mom. I’m right here.”
Adrian walked in the rain. He walked so long he had to sit down. While people hurried by with umbrellas and dashed across the street with newspapers held over them, he sat on a wet bench and put his head back. The small droplets seared his flesh. He could hear the hiss as they fell on his skin.
