by Lesley Crewe
He didn’t say a word. He didn’t move a muscle. He waited for her to say something.
Lexie pushed her hair back out of her face and took a deep breath.
“We love each other Adrian. I don’t doubt that for a minute. From the first moment we met, we needed each other. You wanted a home. I wanted someone to take care of.”
She gave a big sigh. “But—as much as we mean to each other, as much as you say you love me—you’re not in love with me. “
His face was a mask.
She kept on, before she lost her courage. “We lived together for two months. In all that time, in spite of our caring deeply for one another, you kissed me once. I want to ask you something. If Gabby were here, instead of me, do you think that would’ve happened?”
He bent his head and looked down at his lap.
“I was there the night you and Gabby met.” She kept her eyes on him. “I saw it. I saw it right away.”
Adrian held his forehead in his hand, as if he didn’t want to look at her.
“And then Adrian,” she leaned towards him, “I saw the two of you together in front of the fire.”
He gave a big sob. He couldn’t keep it in.
She rushed around the table and knelt beside him. She tried to look at his face, but he wouldn’t let her see his tears. She cried too. “Adrian. I’ve only ever seen a man look at a woman like that once before. When Joshua’s father looks at me.”
Adrian finally laid his head in his arms and wept openly. Lexie held on to his knees and leaned her cheek on his thigh. After awhile he put his hand on her head, as if to tell her he loved her down there on the floor.
He pulled her off her knees and sat her in his lap. She snuggled against him. When he was calm enough, he spoke:
“The night you took me home, I laid on my bed and wept with happiness. I’d been so alone, so heartbroken. I’d wandered for so long.”
He hugged her tighter. “You were beautiful. You fed me and washed my clothes and made me laugh and made me feel as if I was wanted, as if I was worth wanting, and worthy of being loved. I didn’t deserve to be loved.”
He stayed quiet for awhile. She was content to stay in his arms. “I loved you. You were my best friend. I could hide from the world when I was with you.”
He tucked her in even closer. She was against his neck, so she couldn’t see his face.
“The night I met your sister, I fell in love with her the minute she walked through the door. It wasn’t something I could control. We had to be together. We lived in the moment and didn’t think about who we’d hurt in the end. That is until you found us. That’s when reality hit us in the face. We were upset and confused and ashamed. It seemed easier all around just to leave.”
“What happened when you did leave?”
“It was wonderful for awhile. Except for the terrible guilt I felt about you, and of course the guilt I carried everywhere, about Binti and her mother. I needed redemption.”
He sighed, “And how did I do it? I hurt your sister. I left her too. I felt if I didn’t start to make up for the mistakes in my life, I’d drown, and I didn’t want Gabby with me when I did. I tried to explain it to her, but I wasn’t very forthcoming. I was so mixed up then. I didn’t think. I handled it all the wrong way. I made her believe she was a mistake.” He stopped for a moment, as if to gather his thoughts.
“I have to tell you the truth, Lexie. I owe you that much.”
“Okay.” She waited.
“Gabby called me.”
“My God. When?”
He cleared his throat. “Not that long ago. When I heard her voice my heart nearly stopped. I was so happy. I tried to apologize. She was very cold and distant. She said she wanted to right a wrong and she called to tell me you were unattached. She thought the reason I stayed away from you was that I saw Josh in Montreal. She said she’d moved on, that she was in love with another man. Then she hung up.” Adrian faltered. “I thought she hated me.”
“Never.”
“That’s how it felt. And the idea of you here, not married as it turned out, excited me. It brought all the wonderful memories back. You and I together, safe in our little house, the house I loved so much. You and Cape Breton Island and the house all became one in my mind. I loved it. I loved you. I needed you to comfort me again. I was lonely, Lexie. I needed a woman to love. I thought Gabby was lost to me.”
“She loves you, Adrian,” Lexie whispered against his skin. “She adores you. She’ll love you until the day she dies. She told me that.”
“Oh God.” He sounded tortured. “What have I done to you both? Why am I so cruel to every woman I love?”
Lexie sat up and held his face so he would look at her.
“Don’t you ever say that again. Every woman you’ve ever loved loves you. Binti’s mother loved you. You saved her baby when you ran for help. Binti loves you. You saved her. I love you because you saved me from loneliness and Gabby’s so in love with you she hasn’t been with a man since you left.”
He closed his eyes. Lexie kissed him softly. “We are all the luckiest women in the world, to have been loved by you.”
They spent the rest of that day holding each other in front of the fire. And they spent the night together in each other’s arms, even though they knew it was over. It was something they would always share and never forget. A memory worth keeping.
Lexie finally knew the truth. A woman can love more than one man. But only one is the love of her life. Adrian was a moment in time. Joss was forever.
Chapter Twenty-three
In the morning, Lexie helped Adrian pack. His plane left around noon, so they had time for a leisurely breakfast, except neither one of them wanted to eat. But they did share a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. They held hands while they waited for the taxi by the front door. Lexie reached into her pocket and gave him a folded piece of paper.
“Gabby’s number in England.”
Adrian hugged her. They stayed that way until the taxi arrived. They didn’t say goodbye—he only held her face in his hands and kissed her forehead.
And then he was gone.
She called her mother. “Could you take Josh for a couple of days? I’m sorry. I need to be by myself for a bit.”
“Whatever you want, honey. Lexie, are you sure you want to be alone?”
“Yes.”
“You call me if you need me and I’ll be right there.”
“I know Mom. I love you.”
She hung up and called work. She told Judy she still felt rotten and she would be off work for a few more days. Judy told her to drink lots of liquids and go to bed.
She did go to bed. She lay there and let the silence comfort her. She couldn’t cry anymore.
She slept for a very long time.
The phone rang the next day. She sat in her armchair with Sophie in her lap. She let the machine get it. It was Beth. “Lex, Mom’s told me and we think we know what happened, but it doesn’t matter. I’m here if you need me. I just wanted you to know, I love you.” She hung up.
The phone rang again. This time it was Susie. She picked it up.
“Susie.”
“Are you okay? I stopped by the library today and they told me you were sick.”
“Sick at heart.”
“What did you do?”
“I told him to go.”
“What did he do?”
“He went.”
“Oh God. Does he hate you?”
“No. He loves me. I love him,” she whispered. “But I told him he belongs to Gabby. And he didn’t disagree.”
There was a long silence.
“What will you do now, Lex?”
“When I can put one foot in front of the other, I’ll try and find Joss.”
Gabby lay in bed and listened to her roommate Poppy talking on the phone with her fiancé. She put her head under the pillow and stayed like that until Poppy hollered that she was off the phone.
Gabby finally got out of bed and ran
herself a bath. She lay there for over an hour. Poppy knocked on the door.
“You okay in there?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to that swanky club tonight? Pam’s going.”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Why don’t you go, Gabby? It’ll do you good.”
“Maybe. We’ll see.”
“Listen, my flight’s at six. I’ll need to get in there soon.”
“Sorry, I forgot. I’ll be right out.” Gabby pulled the plug and got out of the bath, wrapping herself in a towel. She wiped the steam off in the mirror and peered into it. She looked closer and put her fingertips up to the corner of her right eye. There were fine wrinkles she’d never seen before.
Gabby sighed.
That’s when the phone rang.
Lexie went to bed that night and slept again, almost twelve hours straight. She got up and had her usual tonic, a hot shower, and then a bubble bath too, so she could float and not think. She went downstairs and fed Sophie while the kettle boiled for her tea, then sat at the table and ate a bowl of Cheerios. She went into the living room with her mug and bundled herself up in her fleece throw, took two lovely mouthfuls of tea and called Gabby’s number.
It rang three times. Finally a voice answered. Whoever it was sounded rushed.
“Hello?”
“Hi. May I speak to Gabby, please?”
“Sorry duck, she’s not here. You just missed her.”
It occurred to Lexie that she loved a British accent. It reminded her of Adrian.
“Oh. This is her sister Lexie and I wondered where I might reach her.”
“Hi Lexie,” said the voice. “This is her roommate, Pam. Golly, you guys sound alike on the phone.”
“I know. Everyone says that.”
“Just a minute, Lexie, I just got in the door. I’ll ask Poppy if she knows.”
“Thank you.”
She must have held the phone to her chest, because Lexie could hear voices, but they were muffled. Finally, she came back on.
“Sorry. Poppy says Gabby got a call from some guy and she threw her things in her bag and ran out the door.”
Lexie’s stomach fluttered.
“Do you know where she went?”
“Poppy says she’s off to Dorval.”
“Dorval?” Lexie couldn’t think for a minute.
“Dorval Airport in Montreal.”
“Thanks a lot, Pam.”
“I’ll tell Gabby you called.”
“Thanks. Bye.”
“Cheerio.”
“Cheerios.” Lexie laughed. She hung up and put her head on her arm. And smiled. The world was unfolding as it should. She needed to go and bring her baby boy home. He’d miss his Mommy by now.
Gabby didn’t sit still the entire flight. She managed to get on the first plane out of Heathrow, after begging a friend to let her take the next jump seat, instead of the one on the next flight. As soon as the plane landed, she was out of her seat in a flash. The pilots gave her a hard time. “Hey, he must be pretty special. You never run like that for us.”
Gabby tore up the gangway, ahead of all the passengers. Her co-workers were surprised. Gabby was always so put together, always as cool as a cucumber. Her hair fell out of its bobby pins as she ran.
She went through the last sliding doors and there he was. He looked as fabulous as she remembered. He held a huge bouquet of white lilies. But he had to drop them. She ran up to him and jumped in his arms and held him so close.
“I love you, Adrian. I adore you. Don’t ever leave me again.”
“I’ll never leave you, my love. Never.”
She pulled away and touched his face, to see if he was really there. He grabbed her hands and kissed her fingers.
“Take me home, Adrian.”
When Lexie got in the door with Josh that night, her answering machine was flashing. She pushed the playback button.
Gabby was crying. “Lexie. I want you to know that this little sister loves her big sister very much.”
Lexie needed time to pull herself together. She spent her days after work playing with Joshua and her nieces. She’d have dinner with Mom or Beth on occasion. No one brought up the subject of her future, for which she was very grateful. She’d go over to Susie’s, but even they avoided the topic. It was too raw.
And then one Saturday morning, about two weeks after Adrian left, she woke up and knew she was ready. She lay in bed and thought about what she’d say to Joss, but almost instantly the words jumbled together into a big ball. Maybe she wasn’t ready. She sat up and chewed her nails. That didn’t help, so she reached for a favourite book on the bedside table, Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.
Words, words. She needed words for courage. She flipped through the pages.
I can’t go on/I really can’t go on/I swear I can’t go on/so/I guess I’ll get up and go on.
Lexie nodded. “Dory Previn, whoever you are…you’re pretty darn close.”
The bedroom door suddenly swung open and Josh stood there in his pyjamas with feet. He grinned at her. She had all the words she needed.
Once Lexie delivered Joshua to his grandmother, she stopped at Susie’s to get Joss’s address. Susie was in the yard with her bathrobe wrapped around her. It was a chilly spring morning, but the winter’s back had been broken. She leaned her arms on the window edge. “I wish I was going with you, Lex.”
Lexie patted her arm. “God. I wish you were too. What if he doesn’t want me, Susie?”
“Get lost. Of course he’ll want you. Just bat those big brown eyes and he’ll beg for mercy.”
“I’m so scared.”
“As a famous shoe once said, just do it.”
Lexie kissed her. “I love you.”
“Right back at ya.”
As Lexie drove, she tried not to think. She counted potholes instead. Frost coming out of the ground made for a bumpy ride. She was glad it wasn’t tourist season. As dirty patches of snow disappeared, they revealed a winter’s worth of litter along the highways. The ground was mucky and the grass, yellow and matted. It didn’t lift her spirits.
But once she drove onto the Englishtown ferry, she perked up. She got out of the car and for the few minutes it took to cross the water to a narrow spit of land on the other side, she revelled in the sea air. The wind whipped up the spray from the ferry and hit her face with tiny needles of salt water as she leaned over the rail. She watched, mesmerised by the strength of the tide as it buffeted the small vessel. If she fell in, she’d be gone in a flash.
Time to get back in the car.
She headed for Smokey Mountain, ahead of a line of cars from the ferry. The cars spread out eventually, most of them passing her. She was happy to let them go. The realization of what she was doing started to weigh on her and she fought the urge to turn around and go home.
Now it was nothing but trees and the coastline. Imagine getting lost in the woods out here. You could walk for days and even then never be found. She felt beads of sweat above her upper lip. What if she had a flat tire? This place was too empty.
Finally a sign for Neil’s Harbour. What a relief. A few vinyl-sided houses scattered here and there heralded the edge of town, then suddenly it came into view. After miles of dark green forest and the occasional glimpse of blue ocean through the trees, Neil’s Harbour was a welcome sight.
As with most of the more rustic villages in Cape Breton, this one was built around its natural harbour. A red and white lighthouse off the point, a welcome beacon for small boats in stormy weather, faced the ocean. Shingled houses painted white with the occasional blue or red house thrown in seemed to grow from the large outcropping of rocks that made up the landscape. Boulders covered with lichen and moss were scattered among the houses, sheds and run-down garages, and every second building faced in a different direction.
The wharf along the edge of the harbour and the outbuildings needed for the business of fish and lobster made up the rest of the scenery. Colou
rful lobster boats both in and out of the water looked as if they were placed there for photographers only. This was the stuff of postcards.
Lexie drove through the village slowly, craning her neck to read the numbers on the houses she passed. She pulled over to let a couple of cars go by. They were obviously locals who needed to get where they were going. She almost despaired of ever finding it, when suddenly, there it was.
The house was a tall box, its shingles painted bright red, like the shed “out back” and the garage where fishing gear and nets were being sorted. Lobster traps were piled on top of one another along the side of the coal house, old ones and obviously new ones, each with its own colourful buoy painted orange and green.
Lexie drove into the fairly steep dirt driveway and stopped the car. Her mouth was dry and her hands shook. When she got out, a stiff breeze blew her hair around and the car door almost slammed shut on her fingers. As she rounded the front bumper, Lexie heard the snap of sheets and towels on a clothesline, colourful flags heralding her arrival.
A dog barked, but it wasn’t angry, more of a who’s there kind of bark. Then an old and very fat yellow lab came out to greet her and didn’t let her by until she patted his head thoroughly.
By the time Lexie got past him, a large woman stood on her back porch, wiping her hands on a tea towel, an apron around her flowery dress. Her greying hair was swept into a twisted bun and her face was full of wrinkles, but she still had the look of a handsome woman.
“Hello, my dear,” she greeted Lexie. “Now what can I be doin’ you for today. You’re not collecting for the cancer, are you? I’ll just go get my purse.”
Lexie smiled at her. “No. I’m looking for Joss actually. Is he around?”
She laughed. “That boy’s always around. He eats everything I bake before I get it on the table.”
Lexie laughed. Joss’s mother made her feel better.
“Why don’t you come in for a cuppa? He should be back soon.”
“That would be lovely.”
The kitchen was a blast furnace. There was a big coal stove in the far corner, just like her grandmother used to have. Mrs. MacGregor’s baking was lined up on both counters.
