by Joelle Duff
“Cinnamon rolls. For the morning,” I said quietly, watching his fluid, methodical movements. He made it look natural, simple, though rolling out dough wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world when you weight a hundred pounds and had barely any muscle on your body.
“Wow,” he said. “I’m impressed. Though, I’m even more impressed that you’re trusting me with them.”
I finally cracked a smile at that one. I turned around quickly, hoping he didn’t see, but I could still feel his eyes on me as I pulled myself away from the counter and toward a cupboard at the other side of the room. I rummaged through the top shelf, until my hand felt what it was looking for, and grabbed two glasses from the cabinet on the other side of the cupboard, before making my way back to the counter.
I caught him looking at me when I turned, though he didn’t even try to make his stare inconspicuous. He wasn’t looking at my face this time, and for the second time that night, I was reminded that I was wearing a tighter skirt than I normally did. But this time, strangely enough, I wasn’t upset. I was flattered. He noticed me, enough to come back here, though I had no idea why.
When I got back to the counter, I poured the bourbon from the bottle into each of the glasses.
“Am I allowed to stop?” he asked me seriously as I handed him a glass with the amber colored liquid inside.
I allowed myself to smile again at that one, before taking a sip from my own glass, and nodded. “Sorry, it isn’t the best bourbon in the world. I usually just use it for baking, when I need it.”
We stayed quiet for a few more moments, both taking in the strong flavor of the bourbon, and watching each other carefully.
Finally, I put my glass down, and leaned against the counter. “Really Jackson, what are you doing here?” I asked, not entirely sure if I actually wanted to hear the answer.
He took a long step toward me, taking a draw from his bourbon. “I just wanted to see you again.”
I tipped my head to one side, trying to understand. “But, why?” I couldn’t hold it back this time. I needed to know.
If he was nervous like I was, he didn’t show it. His look was assertive, but in no way arrogant. Like he knew what he wanted, and from the way his eyes bore into my own, I was the one that he wanted.
“I wanted to see you again from the moment you left on Saturday, and from the second we had to say goodbye on Monday. I hoped, desperately, that you would call, but you never did. You’re just so…” he said, apparently trying to find the words. “You’re just so beautiful and introspective and confident, but so sad. I saw it as soon as I saw you. But you can’t see it, or believe it. You’re so unsure of yourself, but you have a confidence that I’ve never seen before. It’s fascinating and heartbreaking, all at the same time. I just wanted to see you again. I want to see if you were the same.”
I felt a ghost of a smile make its way across my face, though I knew my eyes were sad. It was impossible to act in front of him. I avoided looking in his direction, and instead focused my gaze on the rack of aprons behind him. It wasn’t until then that I realized I never put on an apron that night. I looked down at my skirt and sighed, the dark fabric covered in blotches of white. It was a new skirt, too.
“You could have picked a better night to surprise me. I’m not really in the mood to deal with anyone else tonight,” I said finally, too tired to fight what he just confessed.
“I’m sure I could have. I noticed from the second I walked in here that something was wrong. But I couldn’t stay away Mellie.”
My heart felt so full at what he just said. Collin hadn’t really broken it earlier that night; it wasn’t his to break. But with Jackson, I felt that small muscle constrict, and expand in a way that I just didn’t think possible. I’d never given myself the opportunity to believe in chemistry or attraction or lust, or whatever this was. It was too impractical, but here I was. Jackson was standing in front of me, and I felt the pull, like nothing I’d ever felt before. I always thought that if I ever did feel anything like it, I could resist. I could ignore those feelings in my heart and my head, because they didn’t really mean anything. But this, this was different. This didn’t feel like what I thought it would, and I knew, right then, that I didn’t have the strength to ignore it.
I saw the step stool, still next to Jackson, at his feet. Before I could even comprehend what I was doing, before I could question my judgment, or even my sanity, I found myself floating to where he stood, and stepped up those three steps, so that I was almost at eye level. He just watched me with those dark, clear eyes, burning a hole straight through my heart and into my soul.
I hesitated for only a second, looking him directly in the eyes, before I pressed my lips against his. He immediately put his hands on my lower back, pulling me closer, and I found my chest pressed up to him. He tasted like the most incredible combination of bourbon and mint, his tongue sneaking its way into my mouth. I let him in, feeling lightheaded from the sensation of his tongue against mine. I let him lead, groaning into his mouth when he sucked and licked my bottom lip. We got lost in each other, and I put my hands on the back of his head, pulling him as close as possible.
He let a moan escape, and I almost lost it right then and there. I felt myself being lifted off the stool, and wrapped my legs around his waist, like it was the most natural thing in the world. He sat me on the counter, and I knew I was sitting in a pile of flour, but I couldn’t care less. I just ran my fingers through his hair, and let the taste of his mouth assault my senses. I felt him pull the string that held my hair back, grabbing my hair and wrapping his fingers in it. He kissed me back, just as passionately, and I didn’t know if I could ever stop. Though I was completely breathless, it was like I could finally breathe again.
I don’t even know how long we kissed like that, alternating between light, gentle strokes and rough, almost desperate licking and sucking. Eventually, finally, I opened my eyes, and saw him staring right at me. His gaze was smoldering, and I immediately felt liquid pool in my panties. I scooted closer to the edge, and felt him nestled right there. It was almost too much, and judging by the animalistic groan he let into my mouth, it was almost too much for him too. I nipped at his tongue, which he’d let into my mouth once again, and I felt him pull me even closer. There were layers of clothes and uncertainties between us, but I felt every part of him.
Eventually he slowed, and pulled his mouth away from my own, but kept his forehead against mine.
“Mellie,” he said.
I just hummed against him, relishing in the buzz felt through every inch of my body. I still had my hands in his hair, and it stood up straight, as if we’d just done something far more than just kissing. I wasn’t thinking of who he was to everyone else, just who he was to me, then.
“Mellie,” he said again, his voice hoarse with arousal. I didn’t know if I would ever get enough of the way he said my name; the way he formed the letters on the tongue he just assaulted me with. He was breathing deeply, loudly, as if he was breathing me in.
“Jackson,” I just said back, opening my eyes once again. His eyes were closed this time, and I could almost see the internal struggle underneath his eyelids. It confused me. “Jackson,” I said again, pulling my forehead away, but he still didn’t look at me. “Jackson, what’s wrong?” I pulled my hands from his hair, and put them against his cheeks instead. He moved his head to the left, and kissed my palm.
“Nothing,” he said, finally opening his eyes. They were still dark, but there was something else in there. Something I couldn’t comprehend. “Everything.”
I pulled my hands away, like he had literally shocked me with his words. “What do you mean?”
“Mellie, I,” he said, drifting off, just looking at me. His hands were on my shoulders, but he wrapped them around me and pulled me to his chest. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Okay,” I said, trying to squeeze my hands in between us so I could push him away, but he wouldn’t let me. “Wha
t the hell was that about then? Why would you do that if you didn’t want to?”
I heard a strangled laugh come from his throat. “Oh believe me, I wanted to. I still want to. It’s taking everything I have not to keep touching you. But I shouldn’t. It isn’t good for you.”
“Um, I have to disagree?” I said, remembering the feel of his lips on mine and the electricity that seemed to run directly from him and into me.
“Me,” he said, pulling me away so he could look into my eyes. “It’s me. That’s what’s not good for you.”
I sighed, realizing what he was trying to say. This time I was able to get my hands in between us, and pushed him away before I hopped off the counter and into my shoes.
“I get it Jackson. And I have to agree with you on that one. But this isn’t fair. You come in, all sexy like with your tight jeans and muscles and blue eyes, and you seduce me into assaulting you in my kitchen. That’s not fair. If you don’t want it, then fine. Just leave me alone.”
I was angry. I couldn’t help it. For the past five days I’d been daydreaming of him, never actually imagining that anything would happen between us. I let myself daydream because I knew there wouldn’t be anything between us. But then he came and invaded my safe space, after a shitty day at that, and now he wanted to take it all back. Because he didn’t think he was good for me.
I was about to call bullshit, when he laughed. He actually laughed at me, and I just glared back at him. He kept laughing, and started walking to where I now stood on the other side of the kitchen. I watched him through narrowed eyes, glancing at the back door, actually wondering if I could get away from his fast enough.
I knew it would never work, so I just stood there with my arms crossed, and huffed out a breath. He didn’t take his eyes off me, and brushed a piece of my hair off my face when he got to where I stood.
“What?” I said, trying to insert as much venom into my voice as I could.
“You think I’m sexy,” he said, smirking again.
I just gaped at him. “No shit you jerk. I didn’t ask for you to come find me, you know. But you did, and now here we are, and you’ve kind of fucked up the little bubble I live in and I’m not really sure what to do about it.” I heard him groan, which surprised me. “What?” I said again, still annoyed.
“I have a thing for women that swear. It’s really hot.”
Okay, now I was really annoyed. “Well, here you go. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. And don’t come back.”
He didn’t do as I say. He just pushed me up against the fridge and shoved his tongue back into my mouth. And I most definitely didn’t stop him.
After what seemed like an eternity, we slowed. Our arms were tangled up in each other, and he had his face nuzzled in my hair.
“Now,” he said, in between kisses behind my ears and on my neck, “about that date…”
Chapter 6
I had no idea what the hell I was thinking. I knew it was a terrible, terrible idea, but there I was, putting on my makeup and glaring at the dress on my bed like it was a bomb that was about to explode and destroy my perfectly boring life.
I bought a new dress for the occasion. I couldn’t help myself, knowing that I could be seen in public with Jackson. He warned me, multiple times about that, even tried to get me to say no once. But when I finally did say no, annoyed that he was playing mind games with me, he refused to let me out of his arms until I agreed.
There was a knock at my door, and I glanced at the clock. It was only a quarter after six, and Jackson wasn’t supposed to be picking me up until seven. I knotted the belt of my robe around my waist, and headed to the door.
“Who is it?” I called out, though I knew it had to have been only a handful of people. The stairs up to my door were in the back of the kitchen, and we always kept the back door to the café locked.
“It’s Josephine, let me in,” she called back through the door. I twisted the knob, and let my cousin into the loft.
“Hey lady, what’s up,” I said, making my way back to my vanity so I could finish getting ready. I knew she’d follow me.
“Oh, nothing,” she said, moving my dress so she could sit on my bed.
I glanced at her through the mirror. “Don’t waste my time Josephine. What’s going on?”
She smirked at my expression. Jackson didn’t always put me in a good mood, apparently. Oh, and I was nervous as shit.
“I heard about Thursday, and after seeing you get all primped and ready to go, I’m going to assume you’re seeing him again tonight.”
I sighed. “He wouldn’t let me say no,” I said, trying to convince her as much as I was trying to convince myself.
She just pursed her lips. “I don’t believe in excuses Mel, and I don’t blame you for saying yes either. I may not be into men, but Jackson Traver is one fine specimen of a human being. Even I would probably make an exception for him.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. There was a time when we couldn’t joke about that, her ‘lifestyle’, as my family put it. Selden wasn’t unused to scandal. My home town was so small that it was difficult to keep any private business really private, and it definitely wasn’t unaccustomed to the occasional rumor regarding the sexual exploits of its youth. When mistakes were made, they were dealt with quickly and efficiently. Shotgun weddings followed by the premature birth of an eight pound baby were so common that they rarely even caused a second thought.
When my aunt Margaret found Josephine in bed with her college roommate, however, she wished the solution were that simple. Instead, the entire town watched as Josephine was sent to the nearest Christian treatment center. For three months, my aunt Margaret prayed that her daughter would overcome her deviant sexual behavior and finally realize God’s true purpose for her life. Instead, Josephine came home with a new haircut and a new girlfriend.
I was fifteen and naïve when my favorite cousin was forced from my life. I didn’t understand why Josephine left so suddenly, and without saying goodbye. It wasn’t until years later, when I finally confronted my mother about it, that I found out she had been told to leave and never come back. She wasn’t even given a chance to pack her things.
It was too late to mend our relationship by then. Almost three years had passed, and I hadn’t done anything to reach out to my cousin. I was afraid that Josephine, outspoken and stubborn, would refuse to forgive me for abandoning her too.
But when my carefully constructed life began falling to pieces around me, I didn’t really have anyone else to turn to. So, I called the number I got from Josephine’s younger brother Paul, the only person in the family who still spoke to Josephine, and asked her for help. After asking me if I was still the best baker in the family, Josephine immediately offered me a job making pastries and desserts at Olive Sweet, and even offered me her loft. I couldn’t have been more grateful.
“I can’t disagree with you on that one,” I said at Josephine’s somewhat crude description of Jackson. “And he is one hell of a kisser.”
“I never imagined you to be the type to fall for a movie star. Fawning over celebrities isn’t exactly your style,” Josephine said.
“You’re right. It’s not. Or I thought it wasn’t.”
Josephine studied me for a moment. “Darcy’s been talking. Apparently Jenn was the one who directed Jackson to the kitchen the other night. I told them both that they better keep their mouths shut, and that they’ll have to answer to me if they say anything, but I can’t guarantee anything.”
“Thanks Josephine,” I said softly, catching her eye in the mirror.
“I know that you would only be dating him if you had a good reason to be dating him, and dating him just because he’s a celebrity isn’t a good reason. But I don’t want you to get hurt. So be careful.”
Even though they’d barely spoken in the previous twelve years, it was as if time didn’t matter. I was a lot like my cousin. We were both tenacious, severely realistic, and both knew that they had too much potential to thr
ow it all away.
“I just like him, is all. There’s an attraction there, sure, but it’s more than that. I can’t really figure out just what yet, but I will.”
“I know,” Josephine said reassuringly. “It’s obvious you like him, and maybe you should just give him a chance. He seems like a good guy.”
I smiled. “He is. I’m just still trying to figure it all out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out,” Josephine said, completely serious. “Don’t overthink this. Don’t overreact. You won’t make another mistake, I promise.”
I snorted. “Right,” I said, unconvinced.
“Have you told your parents yet?
“Are you seriously asking me that question right now?” I asked. Josephine just raised an eyebrow. “Have you talked to your parents lately?”
“Touché,” Josephine said.
“If this dating thing does work out, it’s only a matter of time. The paparazzi are like vultures, and he’s warned me what could happen.”
Josephine nodded in agreement. “You’re probably right. Maybe you should call your dad first. He might at least answer the phone when you call.”
I looked up at my cousin. “How did you do it?” I asked. I tried not to think about it too much, but sometimes the pain caused by being completely ostracized by my family threatened to overwhelm me.
“Do what?”
“How did you deal with having to give up your family, just so you could be yourself?” I asked.
Josephine smiled sadly. “I didn’t deal with it. I credit myself to sleep for the first six months of being here. I filled the void of not having a family by sleeping with every woman I met. I made the rash decision to buy a café I couldn’t afford. And a car I couldn’t afford. And a new set of boobs I couldn’t afford. But it was by doing these things that I finally realized that I could do it on my own. I needed to screw up a little so that I could concentrate on fixing things. It took my mind off of everything that had happened back home, and I threw myself into my work. Now I’m happy, successful. I can afford the things that just six years ago, I was about to give up. I love my life.”
