by Joelle Duff
“So that’s how you think of me? As a player? A cheater? Has anything I said meant anything to you at all?”
I paused again, trying to find the words. “I don’t think you ever meant to hurt me,” I said. But as I did, I could feel my usually composed demeanor begin to crumble as I realized how hurt I actually was. Regardless of whether or not he meant to hurt me, he did.
He tried looking into my face, but I turned away. I had nowhere to go, though, when he scooted closer to me on the sofa and clutched my chin in his firm grasp. He turned my face, so I had no choice but to look him in the eye.
“What has the world done to you?” he asked, but I didn’t think he was asking me.
“How could you want to be with me?” I attempted to answer the rhetorical question. I knew that it didn’t actually require an answer; the answer was obvious.
“The real question is why I wouldn’t want to be with you,” he said softly.
“I’m broken. I’m used up. And I’m so scared. I don’t know how to be loved.” As soon as I said it, I knew there was no going back. I was the first to mention love in reference to our relationship, but I knew it were true. Love explained everything, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise.
“I don’t know if you would believe me even if I tried to convince you otherwise,” Jackson said, “but I need you to know something. I need you to believe me when I say that nothing has ever happened with Sophia, and nothing ever will.”
“You can’t say that Jackson,” I interrupted before he could continue. “You can’t promise me that.”
“I can say it, and I can promise you that it’s true.” I tried desperately to avert my eyes again, but Jackson refused to let me. “I know it’s true, and it’s because I’m in love with you.” With that, he dropped his hand and I immediately dropped my gaze. A small sob escaped my lips before I could hold it back, and I knew it gave him the affirmation he needed to know that what he’d just confessed did mean something to me. It meant everything to me.
He continued before I could come up with a response. “I know we’ve only known each other for a few months, but I can already tell that you’re wrong about yourself. You’ve tried so hard to be indifferent about everything, including yourself. But you’re worth everything I can give you, and more. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you see that.
“More than that, you’re wrong about me. I’m not the cheating liar that I may have been once, not with you. But I’m far from perfect too. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.”
Neither one of us said anything for a few moments, as he gave me time to come to terms with what he said. He didn’t touch me, just sat next to me, watching as I tried to say something.
Words were still absent from my mouth as I tried to focus on the warning voice in my head. But that too was becoming increasingly drowned out by the shouting in my heart that told me I loved him too. The walls around my heart that I’d so carefully built up in the previous months were beginning to crumble at an alarming rate, and I had no idea if I could put them back up now.
Jackson moved from the couch to the floor at my feet, where he knelt down in order to see my face better. “Mellie, my Mellie Rose. I love you. And I have no idea how anyone could have ever given you up. I promise that I will never do that.”
“I…” I had finally found my voice, but I still had no idea what I was supposed to say. The two voices in my head were now shouting at each other, and I knew that I had a much more difficult decision to make than just telling him I loved him or not. That wasn’t even a decision, really. It was an inevitability. I already knew the answer. I’d known the answer since that night at his apartment, almost two weeks ago, when he had let me fall asleep in his arms. It was the safest I’d felt in such a long time, if not ever.
The real question was whether or not I could actually tell him that, if I could actually live out the consequences of telling him. I could make another practical decision, like every other decision in my life had been, and deny the love I knew that I felt for him as well. Or I could push my sensible nature out the window and embrace the very thing that had nearly destroyed me before.
Before I could make an actual decision based on any type of logical argument, my heart won out.
“I love you too. I just don’t know how you could love me back.”
It was all Jackson needed to hear. In less than a second, he was back on the couch and had me in his arms. He kissed my forehead, and held me close.
“You don’t need to understand how Mellie,” he said, whispering into my hair. “You just need to trust that I do. You just need to have a little faith in me. There’s nothing more that I want in life than to just be with you. And you deserve a love like that.”
I believed him. I really did. So I let the tears that had been waiting to fall for ten years break through, and he just let me cry. He didn’t try to brush them away, or to reassure me that there was no need to be sad. Because he knew; he knew that it was exactly what I needed.
They weren’t tears for Daniel and his betrayal. They weren’t tears for my mother or for Selden. They weren’t even tears for Jackson, and the overwhelming love I felt for him at that moment. They were tears only for myself.
Chapter 15
He didn’t let me go that night. Eventually, after I cried myself out on the couch, he just picked me up and carried me to my bed, where he let me cry some more. I did have ten years of tears to get out, and Jackson wasn’t in any hurry to make me stop. He just held me close, whispering words of love into my ears and kissing my hair. Eventually I felt myself drifting off, and I didn’t wake up until it was light outside.
He still wouldn’t let me go; apparently Josephine had already told him to not let me work that day. I’d been baking nonstop for the previous week and a half, so the café did have an overabundance of pastries to last through the next month, really.
I woke up before he did, though his arms were wrapped around me so tightly that there was no way I would get out of them without waking him too. I took advantage of the moment, turning my head to the side so I could study his face. It was familiar to me now, comforting. It was attractive, of course, nobody would deny that. To some, it may have been severe, but I knew better. It had hardened in the years that he’d been in the public eye, changing as he closed himself off the world. But when he slept in my bed, told me he loved me, his face had changed. He was peaceful.
He’d traveled straight from France to my doorstep, so he had a little scruff on his face. It fit him, I thought, made him look a little more like himself, almost. It was like his clean-shaven look was his own mask, trying to convince those around him that he was unattainable, but I knew better. It was a coping mechanism, really, a small way for him to take control of his life. In most of the movies I’d seen, he had the scruff, or some type of intentional facial hair. I was almost as if he wanted to distance himself from those parts. He wanted to show the world that he made his own decisions, and he knew who he was.
I ran my finger along his high cheekbones, and over his lips. Those lips that kissed me senseless, that told me he loved me. My heart started to flutter, just remembering the way he said those words. Daniel used to tell me all the time that he loved me, but he never made me feel the way Jackson did when he said it. It was more like it was an after thought, an unfortunate necessity in the relationship. Jackson somehow made those three words sound like the most important words in the entire world; like I was the most important thing in the entire world.
I craned my neck, and touched my lips lightly to his, hoping I wouldn’t wake him. He rarely got to sleep uninterrupted, and I wanted to give him this small gift. And regardless of how happy I was at that moment, how it felt like our relationship had finally gotten started, I knew it wasn’t the end of the hard. It really was us against the world. I knew that Jackson had it in him to conquer it. I just didn’t know if I did.
I’d only meant to press a light kiss to Jackson’s lips, but
he felt me move in his arms and squeezed me tighter, before opening his mouth to let me in. I didn’t even care that I had morning breath, I just let him kiss me senseless, again.
“Morning,” he said softly, nipping at my lip with his teeth. It made me giggle.
“Morning Jackson,” I said. I moved my head back down to his chest, laying my cheek on his bare skin. We stayed quiet for a long time, and I just listened to his heartbeat.
“This,” I heard him murmur into my hair. I said nothing, just hummed in response. “This is exactly how I want to wake up for the rest of my life.” His voice made my skin buzz, and I knew I would be perfectly okay staying there forever too. But eventually my stomach rumbled, and Jackson frowned down at me. “Can I get you some breakfast?”
I shook my head, but wiggled my way out of his grip. His frown just deepened, but eventually he loosened his grip.
“I don’t have much food in here, since we were supposed to go out for dinner and I didn’t know if you would stay tonight,” I said, glancing at the clock. “But it looks like the morning rush might be over downstairs, if you want to go get a cup of coffee with me?”
He reluctantly agreed, and we both threw clothes on quickly before heading down into the café. Thankfully, I had been right about the morning crowd; there were only a few people left inside. Darcy worked behind the counter, and made a face at me as we made our way into the café and settled at one of the tables near the back.
We were both surprised when we recognized Seth, Jackson’s younger brother, occupying a spot on the long bench down the center of the room.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Jackson said, though his tone wasn’t really mean. I noticed an empty plate in front of him, full of crumbs, and just raised my eyebrow at him.
“Dude,” he said, his mouth full of what I could only assume was one of my blueberry scones. “Did you know that your girlfriend’s muffins are the shit? I’m about to go get my fourth one for the morning.” I had to smile at that. I’d only met Jackson’s brother once, but apparently I’d already won him over with my baking.
“You live forty five minutes from here Seth. You seriously drove all the way here just so you could eat Mellie’s muffins?”
“Well, when you say it like that,” Seth said, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but I couldn’t help but laugh. “But seriously, these are like, the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. And that chick behind the counter is pretty fucking hot. Do you think she’ll give me her number?”
Jackson just smacked his younger brother upside the head. “That’s Mel’s friend you asshat, show some respect.” Seth rubbed the back of his head dramatically, but smiled in Darcy’s direction. I just rolled my eyes, and leaned over so I was at Seth’s eye level.
“Enjoy whatever you want Seth, and I’m sure Darcy will give you her number. Just be nice to her, for me?” Seth’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second, but a grin immediately appeared on his face, and he nodded enthusiastically.
Jackson pulled on my hand, forcing me from Seth’s table, but he wasn’t paying attention to us anymore anyway. His eyes were already glued on Darcy’s backside, as she turned to make Jackson and I our lattes. I glanced around the café and saw only a handful of others, most of whom were too old to recognize who Jackson was. There was a younger regular sitting in the front corner, but he had his head buried in his phone. My eyes wandered to the far corner, however, and noticed Collin sitting next to the window, pointedly ignoring us. It was odd; he should have been at work. I usually let myself wander out into the café after the morning rush, since I knew I was less likely to run into him, but he didn’t seem to really care or notice that we were there.
We found a small table in the corner, but instead of letting me sit in the seat across from him, Jackson pulled me into his lap. I slapped him on the chest playfully, but couldn’t help but do another sweep of the café with my eyes. I really wasn’t one to exhibit too much PDA, even if we were still on a love high from the night before. Thankfully, nobody had noticed us, though I was probably too happy to care much at the moment anyway.
“I would say get a room, but seriously Mellie? You live upstairs. Do you two really have to come down and torture the rest of us with how fucking cute you are?” Darcy complained as she came up to our table and set down our lattes in front of us.
I knew my smile was absolutely ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. “Well, I would have called for room service, but I highly doubt that you would have been up for that,” I said, laughing.
Darcy scowled for a second, but it quickly left her face. “I don’t know that I would have minded, not if he came to the door,” she said, eyeing Jackson up and down. I moved to smack her playfully, but Jackson just held me back and chuckled softly into my ear.
“Why don’t you just go get your own?” I grumbled, clutching onto Jackson for dear life. I didn’t doubt that Darcy would keep her distance from him, but I knew there were plenty like her in the world that didn’t care much about my feelings.
“Oh believe me, I would if I could,” she said dramatically, and sat herself down in the chair opposite us. I immediately regretted my words, knowing that she wasn’t about to leave us any time soon. Thankfully, I watched as another elderly couple came into the café, taking her attention away from us. She glanced back at the door when the little bell chimed, and huffed again before getting up.
“I love you Darcy,” I called out to her as she made her way back to the front. She whipped her head around, her frown quickly turning into a smile, and I felt myself blush again. I had never been all that liberal with the “L” word before Jackson, but he was making me feel all sorts of brave, just like he always did. That, or he just made me face everything I was truly feeling, without letting me hide.
I watched my friend for a moment, as she helped the couple that came in, before turning her attention back to cleaning the espresso machine. Seth’s gaze hadn’t moved from her, though I wasn’t sure if she’d noticed or not. I almost wanted to shove him in her direction, to speed things up.
As if he could actually tell what I was thinking, Jackson interrupted my thoughts by nuzzling his nose into my neck. “He’ll get there,” he whispered, planting a few kisses behind my ear. I sighed contently.
We drank our lattes slowly, taking the time to actually enjoy being together. Eventually Darcy brought us over some scones, but had to return back to work quickly once the lunch crowd started coming in. We took that as our cue to leave, and made our way back up to the loft.
As soon as I closed the door behind us, Jackson surprised me by backing me up to the door and immediately attacking my neck with his lips. I buzzed in pleasure, wrapping my arms around his neck and lifting my lips to his. He kissed me roughly, his tongue forcing its way against mine. I couldn’t get enough, and just let my own tongue explore the inside of his mouth. He groaned in response, and I felt his hands on my butt, lifting me up. He had me against the door, and pressed his chest and groin against mine. It made me dizzy, feeling the bulge in his jeans between my legs.
Normally, before, I would have been so self conscious. I would been timid with my kisses, letting his take the lead and only touch where I felt comfortable touching. But something about this man made me throw all of my inhibitions out the window. He made me feel like the sexy, confident young woman that I never knew I wanted to be. He made me feel real.
I stayed propped up by the door, but eventually I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck again. I pulled my head to his neck, and grazed my teeth over the sensitive spot behind his ear. He took it as the sign that it was, and carried me to my bed. I’d been too busy blubbering the night before to do any of the things that I’d actually been thinking about for the past week and a half. Apparently Jackson felt the same, because he wasted no time once we were on the bed.
He stripped both of our shirts off quickly, and left me to pull my own pants down while he did the same. It took l
ess than a few seconds for him to climb back on top of me, and I could already feel him at my entrance, waiting for my permission. I knew we weren’t taking things slow and easy today; we’d been waiting far too long to be with each other. It was passionate, intense, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out when he pushed inside of me, filling me the way only he could.
“Mellie baby, I love you so much,” Jackson whispered into my ear as he thrust inside me. Hard. His soft, sweet voice, not the voice he used for everyone else, just the voice he used when saying my name, was such a contrast to the intensity of our love making; I loved it. I loved him. I loved the way he made my body feel strong, but like it was still his to protect. I loved the way he touched me, worshipped me, whispered my name only to himself.
He said nothing more as we just kept building, together. The air between us was thick with emotion; we didn’t need to say anything else. There’s was only love, and he made sure I knew it. I did too. I let my hands and my moans tell him without saying anything at all; I clutched at him, pulling him as close to me as possible.
Though he wasn’t my first, technically, I’d never felt so close to another human being in my life. There were dozens of people downstairs, going through the same thing they did every day, working and ordering their lunch and sipping on their coffee. But here, in my little loft, it felt like we were the only people on the planet. We rocked together, our sweat and tears mixing together so that we were one. I could even hear his heart, as it pounded against the rhythm in my own chest.
I couldn’t close my eyes, not when he was above me, watching me too. I could feel his gaze burn through my skin, heating my blood. I was so exposed; he knew what I felt like, inside, but there was more to it than that. He’d been inside of me every way possible, and I knew there was no turning back now. He was a part of me, and I was a part of him.
We climaxed together, staying silent but still watching each other. It was the most erotic, intense moment of my life, watching as he emptied himself into me. I clutched at him, gripping his biceps while my legs shook in pleasure.
