“I know I’ve broken your trust, Ruby, because I didn’t let you be there for me, but I want to prove to you I’m worthy of it now.”
I hear what Caleb is saying, and while I’m willing to give him a free pass on what happened after the shooting, it doesn’t mean that I’m not still upset with him. It hurts, to know that he didn’t trust me, and yeah in a way, my trust is broken now too. “Caleb…” I let the word fall off because I don’t know how to explain, don’t know what I can say to change it.
“No, I get it. I hurt you when I didn’t need to. Instead of coming to you for help, I pushed you away, and then I gave you mixed signals. I fucked up, I fucked up in a big way.”
The frustration and anger seeps over. I fold my arms across my chest, fix him with a stare, and let him have it. “I told you I’d be here for you. I’m glad you’re here now and I want to help you. What I don’t want is for you to just think that when things get hard, you can be a fuck face, say you’re sorry, make me cupcakes, and all will be forgiven. That’s not how this is going to work, babe. I need to know if I put my trust in you again, I won’t regret it.”
I’ve said my peace, and he nods, accepting it.
“C’mere.” He motions for me to lay on him. “Let me prove you can trust me.”
“How?” I’m suspicious as I look down at him, wondering if he’s playing some sort of game. I’m not sure my heart can take it if he is. These last few days have been difficult, at best.
“Give me your hands.” He holds his to me, palms up.
For a split second I think about it, but then I place mine in his.
“Brace against me,” he instructs.
And that’s when I feel him lift me up, propping me with his hands and feet in the air. “Caleb you know I’m scared of heights.” The fear is making my heart pound, even though I’m literally inches away from him.
“I know, Ruby Red, but trust me to make sure you don’t fall. Let go and have fun, enjoy the feeling in your stomach and the excitement in your throat.”
“More like I’m about to puke on you,” I ground out between clenched teeth. I’m scared, shaking, not trusting him to take care of me, not trusting him not to let me fall.
“Relax,” he instructs, his dark eyes boring into mine. “Relax and trust me, Red. Please, just trust me.”
There’s hysterical fear in my body right now, most of it is unfounded. Even if he does drop me, I’m only going to fall off the bed, but the fear is real. It’s there. It’s a war within myself as I try to determine if I’m going to forgive him. If I’m going to trust him. If anyone had asked me before the incident, I would have said with zero hesitation that Caleb was mine, I was his, and we were going to be together. I thought he believed in me, believed in us, but he threw all of that into my face, and didn’t give a shit.
Another part of me argues that he’d been through a traumatic experience, and none of us ever know how we’re going to react when that happens. Maybe he was doing the best he could with what he had, emotionally, and maybe what I’m here to do is be the person who supports him no matter what. Who stands behind him and is strong when he doesn’t believe he can be. Who picks him up when he falls down or forgets what he has. Looking inside myself, I wonder if holding the grudge is worth missing out on everything we’ve shared together. I’ve given many things to this man that I’ve never given anyone else, and I’m not about to throw it all away, because times got a little rough.
Decision made, I close my eyes, relax, and trust him. I feel like I’m flying as he props me up on him, holding me with his palms against mine. “I trust you,” I whisper.
He holds me aloft for a few seconds, then rolls me over in his arms. “Thank you.” He holds me tight, wrapping his arms around me, burying his face in my hair. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Ruby. So sorry that I couldn’t get out of my own head.” His voice is hoarse as he finally…fucking finally spills his guts.
“I felt like shit, ya know? Like there was some way I could have prevented what happened, if I would have done something differently.” His voice is deep as he talks. “It was my first kill.” There’s tears in his eyes. “All the other guys on the team, they have that military experience, but all I did was ROTC in college. I didn’t go to war, I didn’t know what it was like to end a human life. It’s a lot to take in, Red, a lot to forgive yourself for. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. How could I think you or Kels, or Mom and Dad could look at me?”
“Who got to you?” I ask softly, holding him against me, running my hands up and down his back.
“Morgan. He said some things that make a lot of sense. Dad too. They found out that the guy had threatened suicide by cop before. There was no way he was being taken without a fight. I literally had no choice.”
I breathe deeply, so happy that he’s forgiven himself. Elated that he’s overcome this speed bump that’s been hindering us for the past few weeks. At the same time, it scares me even more. There will be a next time, there always is. Will he push me away? Will he let me help? “Promise me,” I whisper digging my nails into his shirt, holding him tightly against my body.
“What? What promise do you need?”
“I need you to promise that next time you won’t shut me out. Next time you show me, next time you let me see the ugly, the vulnerable. And there will be a next time, Caleb, in your line of work, we both know that. You can show me the anger too, but not to push me away, to let it out. I can take whatever you have to throw at me. I’m not letting you go, and I don’t run away that easily.”
His brown eyes cloud, when he puts a hand to my face, cupping my cheek. I turn into the caress, kissing his palm. “I forgot that some people do stick around when things get tough.”
“Most people do, and you can count on me to always be one. Love doesn’t mean you’re around when everything’s perfect. Love means you see the ugly, you comfort the hurt, and you fix the broken. Love isn’t always easy and it’s not always beautiful, but that’s what makes it worth it.”
“I don’t deserve you, Red. As much as you lost your trust in me, I flat out didn’t trust you.”
I fight back the tears that are threatening to fall. “I forgive you, and that’s all that matters.”
He moves his hands around to the nape of my neck, pushing our foreheads together. “The whole time, the only thing running through my head was I never told Ruby I love her, even after eight months together, I never told you. I wanna tell you now, I don’t want you to ever doubt it.”
My face is breaking apart in one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever had. “I love you, Ruby Red, you’re my everything.”
“You’re my everything too, don’t ever forget that.”
And as we lie there with one another, I let all the tears fall, let all the hurt go, and look forward to what the future holds for us.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Ruby
September
Back when I bought this dress so many months ago, I had assumed I would wear it for Valentine’s Day, but because of Caleb’s schedule we were never able to make a special date work. He never did take me to that dinner, but we’ve had so many other special moments that I truly can’t complain. Tonight, however, I’m thrilled to be wearing this dress to watch him get an award for bravery.
“You look absolutely gorgeous.” He comes up behind me in the mirror as I’m applying a layer of lipstick.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I turn around in his arms, helping to straighten his dress uniform.
I don’t think Caleb has ever looked as hot as he does right now. There’s something about him being so buttoned-up that I’m loving. “It’s cutting off my circulation.” He pulls at the fabric around his neck.
“You’re fine.” I slap his hands away. “Are you nervous?”
“Not really,” he says with a shake of his head. “Nerves was playing for the college football championship. This is more anxious than anything. What if someone thinks I don’t deserve this award?”
“Then they’ll have to deal with me.” She gives me a grin. “Nobody’s gonna talk shit about the man I love.”
“Don’t I know it? I think you’ve become my most vocal supporter, even more vocal than Mom and Kels.”
The blush covers her cheeks and neck. It’s the one I love. The one that says she’s embarrassed, but not really. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I lean in, kissing her. “I appreciate you looking out for me. I love that you will do whatever it takes to defend me. You’re one of a kind, Ruby Red.”
Her eyes glaze over and immediately a frown comes to my face. “What’s wrong?”
“There was a time last month when I wasn’t sure if you’d ever call me Ruby Red again, hell I wasn’t sure if you’d actually even see me again.”
“I was stupid,” I assure her. “There was so much shit rolling around in my head, that I couldn’t figure out what was real and what was noise. It took talking to family, friends, and the work appointed therapist, but I’m good now. I’m over whatever it was holding me back. You’re never going to get rid of me.”
“Good.” She grins. “There’s no way I’d ever want to.”
“Now, we’ve gotta get this show on the road, if we’re going to make it in time.”
Ruby
Proud doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling as I watch Caleb accept his award from Holden. There’s not a dry eye at our table between me, my mom, Karina, and Kelsea. I guess they were smart to sit most of the women together.
I watch as he’s interviewed by the local news station, and then the newspaper before he comes back over to join us. “You did so good up there,” I whisper, leaning in to kiss his neck. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Red.”
I’m still not used to him saying the words to me, but every time he says them they seem more real. As a few more officers line up to receive their awards, Caleb puts his arm around my shoulders and leans back, enjoying the rest of the ceremony.
“We’re hosting a little get together,” Holden says as the group stands together after the ceremony is complete. “If anyone wants to come hang out with us.”
Caleb and I look at one another, I don’t know what his plans are, but judging by the look in his eyes, he doesn’t want to hang out with his friends from work.
“Nah, we got plans,” he answers. “Thanks, though.”
Cruise
“Where are we going?” Ruby asks as she sits in the passenger seat of my Jeep.
“You’ll see,” I deflect the question, hoping that she won’t notice where we’re headed. Which direction I went in, when I got on the interstate and just how long we’ve been driving and talking.
Luckily for me, she doesn’t, until we pull up to the gate. “Caleb, isn’t this where they practice?”
“Yeah,” I answer as we look at Alabama’s summer practice field. I still have some connections from when I played here, and for some just the mention of my name can get me exactly what I want. “It’s where I practiced too.”
“What are we doing here?” She gets out when I come around to her side of the Jeep, opening her door.
“Little fantasy I’ve always had.” I shrug. “And you in that dress tonight, is giving me so many ideas.”
“Fantasy?”
“Yeah.” I let a smile play at the corners of my lips. “There was this thing all the seniors did, but I never got to do, because I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time, or really any girl I trusted to bring out here.”
“What kind of thing?” She raises an eyebrow in my direction.
I hold her had as we walk toward the locker rooms, using a key that was given to me to enter. Above the lockers, there are names, along with seats to sit on. I glance around, memories coming back to me as I think about the four years I spent here. The good times, the tough times, the times I wanted to give up. It hits me square in the chest that those four years aren’t any different than these last five on the MTF. Life will always be trying to knock you down in some way or another, it’s up to you if you want to keep standing tall or not.
When my gaze lands on what was my locker, I tilt my head toward it. “Every senior player brought their girlfriend out here to christen their locker for luck, before the season started.”
She giggles as she looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Are you serious?”
“Dead.”
“But this isn’t your locker anymore.”
“Nope, looks like we’ll be giving Walker, whoever that is, a free round of good luck for his season.”
She bites that full bottom lip. “Why is this such a thing for you?”
I pull her into me. “I think I’ve proven to you just how much I like sex that’s risky, and back then, this was as risky as it got. Had I known you back then? We would have been here the first day of spring practice.”
It looks like she’s thinking about it, wondering if I’m telling her the truth or not. “Trust me, we would have done it more than once.”
“More than once?”
“Oh yeah.” I run my hand along the slice of skin that’s visible at her mid-section. “Any chance we would have gotten. I would have shown you the stamina a running back has.”
“Well then, when you throw down a challenge like that?” She takes her top off, throwing it in my direction. “How can I say no?”
I watch as she steps out of her skirt before I grab her around the waist, pulling her up against me, carrying her over, before I tilt her chin to look at me. “Easy, Ruby Red. You can never say no to me, just like I can’t say no to you.”
When I dip my head, running my tongue along the flesh that’s exposed over the top of her bra, all I hear is her whispered, “Yes.”
“See? Never say no…”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Ruby
“Where are you taking me?” I watch as Caleb drives through the streets of downtown. This fall night is cool as rain falls from the sky. It’s not sheets like the day he shot the armed man, but a steady drumming against the roof of the Jeep.
“You’ll see.” His deep voice has a secretive lilt to it, one that I’ve come to know well in the year we’ve been together. He’s not great at keeping secrets, but when he does, they’re the best kind.
As he turns in front of The Café, I grin. No matter what’s happened inside the building or in front of it, this is still one of our favorite places to go, to be. On any given night, we can walk inside and find any number of friends or family inside. It’s darkish in there tonight, but I figure maybe the electricity is flickering because of the rain storm we’re in. Earlier in the day, the school had lost power.
He snags a parking spot near the door. “Don’t touch the door, I’ll come around for you. I don’t want you get wet.”
Since the first night I met him, he’s been a gentleman. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he can be pretty demanding too, but no one has ever taken care of me like Caleb does. He comes around to my side of the Jeep, holding his jacket over our heads as we make a dash for the front door.
As we enter, I realize there’s something off about what we’ve walked in to. Typically The Café is almost so loud you have to speak with some bass to be heard, and the tables are usually jam-packed. Taking a look around tonight, I notice the only people here are our friends and family. People who have come to mean a lot to us in the year we’ve been together. People we’ve made memories with.
My parents and brother, Caleb’s parents, and Kelsea sit in one booth. Behind them Morgan, Brooks, and Trinity look at us, small smiles on their faces. In all the other booths I see members of the Moonshine Task Force and their families, as well as a few of the teachers I’m friends with and roommates from college. I have no idea how they all came to be here tonight, or why they even are, but I do have an idea that Caleb is probably behind it.
“What’s going on?” I whisper to Caleb as everyone watches us walk to the middle of the room. We’re the center of attention, and it ma
kes me a little self-conscious, but I also want to know what’s going on.
“Nothing.” He shakes his head, as he leads me to the table.
It’s almost like everyone is holding their breath as they watch us, and it makes me nervous. But I trust Caleb, with everything I have. We’ve been through a lot together. There’s no one I trust more than him, and no one I want to do life with more than him.
“You remember this table?” he asks quietly when we get to the middle of the room. It’s the one I sat at while I listened to that awful date of mine make disparaging remarks about me.
Glancing around, I’m hit with a flashback of the first night we met. Giving him a huge smile, I nod. “I do.”
Cruise
“Morgan and I were sitting right there–” he points to where his parents and mine sit. “–when Leigh came over to us and told us the couple sitting right here–” he touches the Formica top with his finger “–weren’t having a good night. That the girl seemed scared out of her mind, and the guy was creeping even Leigh out. I kinda thought maybe Leigh was overreacting, because that’s kind of what she does, but then I listened.”
“Hey!” Leigh yells. Whatever else she says is muffled as Holden pulls her to him, covering her mouth up with the palm of his hand. I laugh, thankful as hell I did listen.
“I remember.” She puts her arms around my waist, tilting her head as she looks up at me. “He really was creepy,” she says loud enough for everyone to hear. “I was eating our appetizer like I hadn’t eaten it weeks, just trying to choke it down to get out of the situation. At one point, he looked at me, and told me at least I could swallow.”
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