by Dee, L J
I refused to be fucked and abandoned again, I had too much respect for myself to allow that to happen. He sighed deeply, returning to the room after a short absence. “She needs me and I have to go”. “I need you. Have you slept with her Jason?” “Jesus Christ Charlotte, not this again” and he had shut down. I didn’t know what their relationship was, but I was finding it harder and harder to deal with. Every time I brought it up it was the same, no discussion no excuses, nothing. “No, not this again” I muttered sarcastically. “I mean have you slept with her ever?” It was something I’d never dared ask before. “Yes” he said simply and the word hit me like a punch in the gut, leaving me reeling. “How many times?” I demanded, forgetting my position and unable to control the anger in my voice. “Several” he answered honesty, as a wave of sickness rolled through me. I knew King wouldn’t be the type to respond to ultimatums, but emotionally I was at my limit. I could only imagine how he’d feel if the boot were on the other foot. He told me we were exclusive but it certainly didn’t feel that way at this moment. He had a decision to make and I was fairly certain, I knew which way things would go, but this was my heart, and ultimately I was responsible for it.
If you go Jason, we’re done”. It was the last thing I wanted, but there was only so much I could take. He turned to look at me, shock soon turning to anger. “Don’t do this Charlotte” he said firmly. I wasn’t his girlfriend, I was just his lover and at the moment, even that was hanging by a thread. I’d said I didn’t want to date him once but we’d moved a long way past that and despite every cell in my body pleading with me to back down, I knew I deserved better. I stood my ground. “No King I mean it. You won’t tell me what’s going on with you and the supermodel, and you’re quite happy to fuck me, spank me and have me suck your cock at will, but she clicks her fingers and you leave me to run to her. I deserve better than this.” He held my gaze, seeming to mull my words over and as he walked back and planted a soft kiss on my forehead, I thought I’d won my pitch. He was looking at me so intently, it knocked the breath from my lungs. “Yes Charlotte you do” he said quietly and turned to walk away.
“Please Sir” I pleaded, desperate to have him stay, as I dropped to my knees on my living room carpet, instinctively and without thought. I had demanded he make the choice but wasn’t sure I could cope with the one he had made, and my heart was physically aching. He froze instantly, turning to gaze down at me, submissive and silently pleading, and his face was contorted in absolute pain. I used the only thing I had left. “Mercedes” I whispered. It was my safe word, designed to protect me, to make him stop whatever he was doing and it was all the control I had. He stared at me intently for a few moments, looking as lost as I did, before turning around, leaving my house and closing the front door behind him.
I should have been angry, wished I had Sasha’s boots to trample all over his fucking shoulder blades, digging the heels in like she did to her barrister, trash his house, smash his car, anything, but there was no anger, no tears, nothing. It was like the whole world had stopped spinning and I was simply numb, as if my brain was refusing to comprehend what had just happened, or resigned itself all too quickly to the facts. It was what I’d expected, but a huge part of me had hoped he would cave. That he would show me a fraction of the submission I had shown him. I had given everything willingly and loved it, but he could give nothing. Even when he had made his decision I still wanted him, I craved him, but something inside me told me to hold back, a small part of my inner logic that was left in the midst of the devastation, telling me that I couldn’t completely give my heart to someone who didn’t put me first. It was self preservation, I supposed, a human survival instinct. I had reached my emotional limits and that was that, however hard it would be. No more King.
I ran a bath and soaked for a long time until the water cooled and my skin wrinkled, wishing above all else I didn’t have the memory of him here. I lay awake for hours, wondering if this was how grief felt before reality dawned. It was like a strange calm before an emotional storm. I knew how hard I’d fallen for him, but right now, I was simply consumed by an emptiness I had never experienced before. Fuck him and his supermodel I thought again and again before a restless night’s sleep and waking to an alarm call that came far too soon. I can’t remember even getting to work, it was as if an internal auto pilot had taken over and as I stared at my computer, the emotional void persisted. There was only one thing for it, as I pulled up the two outlook diaries on screen and typed my request.
Emergency sub-committee meeting. Cafe. Now.
“The fucking prick did what?” Katie screamed over her coffee as I recalled the events of the night, giving her a warning glare to quieten down. The place was full of patrons, all of whom turned to stare at us. I nodded, resigned. I hadn’t cried, I hadn’t done anything, I was just numb. It hurt like hell but I knew I deserved better. He’d even agreed. I’d put myself sexually at his mercy but I was damned if I’d do so emotionally. Yes he was gorgeous, yes he was awesome in bed and had shown me what I’d been missing. He made me laugh and I respected him enormously. It didn’t change the facts. I was not about to lose my head over a man who didn’t respect me, although with every overwhelming wave of emptiness that consumed me, I knew I had already lost my heart.
Sasha was thankfully much quieter and an influence for calm around the little table. “What will you do?” she said kindly as I sighed deeply. “I don’t know Sash, I really don’t. Keep a low profile, front it out on Saturday and then probably soak myself in gin until I forget about him” I tried to smile as she hugged me. “Yeah and I can imagine that’s going to be easier said than done Lotty” she sighed, squeezing me tightly. I laughed gently. “Oh Sweetheart you have no idea”. Katie gasped as she saw him walk past the window. I looked up, turning away quickly as she ran outside to confront him and there was no stopping her. I wondered silently why he couldn’t have just done that the first time, carrying on walking. If he had, I certainly wouldn’t be in this mess now, I sighed to myself as Sasha took my hand. “You’re a fucking arsehole King” I heard the scream filter in from the street, deciding to abandon our little post at the cafe and leave before we were permanently barred. Thankfully Katie and Jason were nowhere to be seen, as Sash and I walked out into the crisp morning air and returned quietly to our respective offices. It was a long time before Katie returned.
“What did he say?” I asked quietly as she sighed deeply, shrugging her shoulders. “He said nothing was going on with Tamsin but he couldn’t change the situation. I told him she wasn’t a patch on you and she’s an out and out bitch. It’s true, everyone hates her, Robbie’s told me.” “And what did he say to that?” I quizzed, looking up at her hopefully, still unable to believe there was nothing going on, he had already admitted to fucking her ‘several’ times so there was clearly an attraction there. “He said I was right” she smiled simply, which only added to my growing confusion. “Why were you so long Katie?” “He took me to his office saying a scene on the street was not his style. He practically fucking dragged me there”. I noticed the small smile playing around her mouth. “And how did you take that?” I smiled as she flushed. “Sorry Lotty, the whole thing actually made me pretty horny” she laughed and I couldn’t help but grin back. I knew the feeling well. “He was asking how you were mostly” she smiled, the words bringing small comfort as I slumped back in my chair. “What did you tell him?” “The truth. I told him you were absolutely heartbroken”. I sighed at the revelation. Even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself, she was right and it was etched in every feature of my face.
Chapter 16
I knew instinctively where he was in the room, avoiding him and determined not to look in his direction. I still hadn’t cried and there was no way I wanted to tonight, not in front of all my peers from the industry. It had taken me three strong brandies to get through my front door and if it hadn’t have been for the wonderful Katie helping me to get ready, I would probably just have come in my pyj
amas. Thursday and Friday I had been like a zombie, not eating, barely sleeping and in such a state of numbed shock I couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything at all. She had borrowed a fabulous floor length black Armani dress from the treasure trove for me and a killer high pair of Jimmy Choo’s. She’d styled my hair and perfected my make-up and she’d done a good job as I sat there and silently let her. I only had a few more minutes in the champagne reception before we’d be called through for the awards and dinner. Once we were seated, it would be easier to avoid him, and as soon as the announcement came, I was the first person to the table, keeping my head down, deliberately avoiding eye contact with any of the other execs and creative’s filing into the room, just in case. I was trying to focus on whether me and my team of merry helpers had succeeded in our goal, but despite my efforts of the last few weeks, even that was failing to lift my spirits. Katie slid up next to me. “He hasn’t got a clue has he?” she grinned, looking at Anderson who was lording it around smugly as usual and it was the first time I had raised a smile in days, secretly hoping we had done enough.
The room looked incredible, decked in blacks and gold’s, floating candles providing twinkling centrepieces on each table while a giant screen dominated the stage, a small podium resting in the centre, where the host would deliver our fate. Following a three course meal of soup, steak and cheesecake, none of which I touched, much to the bemusement of Alison, it was time for the awards. They came and went in a flurry of activity as I fought desperately with myself not to look for Jason. I was on my feet twice when our creative team won the best international magazine campaign and multi-media award. I wasn’t on my feet for best breakthrough campaign and neither was Ian Anderson, seething and glowering at the King Marketing table as they had beat his new airline commercials with their chocolate cereal ads. Eventually, it was time for the ‘campaign of the year’ announcement. Jason’s team had won numerous times already, and as the nominations were called and I heard my name, I couldn’t resist looking over at their table, piled high with victorious gold plaques. My stomach flipped when I saw that their beautiful and powerful CEO was looking directly back at me. His face looked pained as we stared each other out and I couldn’t pull my eyes away, drowning in the sight of the sad sapphire eyes that touched me, piercing my soul so deeply, and brutally reminding me of everything we’d shared in our short time together.
My heart was pounding, my stomach churning as they read out the winner, “Jason King for Audi”. He didn’t move. I could feel the heavy stares of my colleagues at the table. It was as if he hadn’t heard and he just continued to gaze at me, and me at him. I knew instinctively that everyone at both tables were watching us now, puzzled and confused, until the host spoke again and he finally stood, making his way to the stage looking utterly glorious and breathtakingly beautiful, and my fragile heart shattered completely.
“Are you OK?” Alison was assessing me closely, her puzzled frown knitting her brow together. I nodded exhaling loudly, assuming her and everyone else would think it was for losing the award, but she was much more perceptive than I’d given her credit for and she wasn’t leaving it there. “Are you sleeping with the enemy Charlotte?” she said as I looked at her in wide eyed shock, and the expression on her face was harsh, and quite frankly scared the shit out of me. “Not any more Alison” I sighed as she eyed me silently, her features softening sympathetically and I stared at the floor as he walked back from the stage. In an effort to avoid uncomfortable questions from my colleagues, I deliberately didn’t look at him. It was almost over and then I could leave, crawl back into my bed and nurse my emotional wounds. It was time for the biggest and final award of the night and for me and Katie, a time of reckoning, as we glanced at each other, holding our breaths.
I was pretty sure I couldn’t catch King, but I would take catching Ian Anderson who was staring at me smugly. I’d never made it to the point where I might be in the running before, and even if I didn’t win, just seeing my name appear on the giant screen would be one hell of an achievement. “Executive of the Year” came the announcement, the hush that settled across the room, firing up my anticipation and every eye in the room was on that stage, almost. My stomach was churning and I took the opportunity to glance across at Jason, who’d obviously had the same thought. “Good luck” I mouthed despite myself, his blazing smile making my heart flip and my stomach explode in a flurry of butterflies. My brain knew we were bad news, but God my body missed him, and I forced myself to look away, eyes on the screen. Nothing had been announced yet but Diana Prince was already patting Ian Anderson on the back as I looked at him, catching Alison’s eye, a small almost imperceptible smile playing at the corner of her mouth. She was the only one at the table who knew the names about to be revealed.
“Jason King, King Marketing” was the first name, the low chatter in the room indicating that no-one was surprised at that, as his employees clapped and cheered. “Adam Ashworth, Winterburn Media” was the second name announced, the gasps audible even over the response of his table and several surrounding ones that erupted in a spontaneous show of support. “Charlotte Smith, Grayson International Media” and I couldn’t stop the huge grin that spread across my face as everyone around me whooped and hollered. Everyone that was except for Ian Anderson, who looked utterly stunned, before hitting me with an aggressive scowl highlighting that he would not be taking his defeat graciously. I enjoyed my moment in the spotlight, as Katie and I hugged one another, still unable to quite believe that our devious scheme had worked, turning finally to glance at Jason who was grinning broadly, as if he had just worked out what I’d been up to these past few weeks. A simple wink and my heart melted. I took a deep breath forcing my gaze back to the stage. It had been hard enough not seeing him, tonight was damn near killing me. “Damian Forrester, The Look” was the final name announced before a deathly silence fell across the room.
“Do it for the girls Charlotte” someone heckled from the back of the room as I turned and smiled. The tension in the air was palpable, my heart in my mouth as I watched the gold envelope open, a few seconds spanning into what felt like an eternity before the announcement came. “Charlotte Smith, Grayson International Media” and it felt like a dream. Everyone was standing, cheering and clapping and I was lost in a fuzzy haze, trapped in a strange bubble and I couldn’t move. I was frozen to the spot, as Alison held my arm, lifting me from my seat and ushering me towards the stage as strangers hands came out of the crowd to shake mine, pats raining on my back. It was a strange, surreal moment in time and I couldn’t see the only person I wanted to, the eyes I needed to see, the arms I wanted to feel around me. This moment was precious and there was one person who I wanted to share it with more than anyone else, and I wanted it desperately. As I took the steps to the stage slowly, one by one, I turned, my eyes searching for him in the sea of a thousand faces and I was hit full on by his twinkling glare, the broad white smile betraying his pride and I burst into tears, holding my hand out for the award and making my way from the stage as fast as I could. Everyone would assume I was overwhelmed at winning, that the tears spilling from my eyes were those of joy. They weren’t. They were the tears that hadn’t yet fallen for Jason and my God they were falling now, fast and hard, unbridled, as I made my way back swiftly to the table, ignoring the hands and the pats and the congratulations. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t see straight.
Almost everyone from Grayson was on their feet clapping and cheering. I needed to leave, but I couldn’t avoid them, walking straight out of the door was exactly what I wanted, but that would be inexcusable. This award wasn’t just mine, it was for Katie and every one of the junior creative’s who had gone above and beyond in the last few weeks to make this happen. They would be every bit as thrilled as I was. It was also for Jason, the man who had pushed me to my professional limits and I was absolutely devastated he had pushed me past my personal ones, utterly responsible for the agonising hurt that was gripping my body as I tried to wipe the te
ars away. Pleasure and pain, one never truly existing without the other, and Jason had delivered both in abundance, physically and emotionally. It reminded me of Sasha’s words. Love and hate, two sides of the same coin, and in that moment I knew that whatever else my brain was telling me about the man, I was irrevocably, deeply and unavoidably, in love with Jason King.
I couldn’t look at him, it was too raw, too painful to see the affection etched into his face, his smile, a simple wink and I couldn’t cope with any more. Being so near him when I couldn’t have him was more than I could take, as Katie ran to hug me, holding me tightly. She would know these were not tears of joy. I just wasn’t the type for workplace related displays of emotion. A bad mood and five sugars following a lost pitch was about as bad as it got. “Are you OK?” she whispered against my ear as I clung onto her, sobbing uncontrollably now as the chatter rose and the band started up. I was glad every eye in the room was no longer focused on me, I didn’t need the attention of advertising executives from across the UK thinking I was an unstable freak. I shook my head. “Seeing him is too much” I sobbed and felt her look up. “I’ll take it from here Katie” came the familiar voice, smooth as caramel and calling to me. “Fuck off King” I heard her say in a firm display of loyalty and female solidarity. “I won’t tell you again Katie” he replied, in a tone that brokered no argument and made my breath hitch, images of the amazing erotically intimate moments we’d shared blasting across my brain, and I pulled away from her. “It’s OK” I whispered as she wiped the wetness from my face with the pads of her thumbs, holding my gaze “Are you sure?” and I nodded through the emotional haze.
As soon as she moved, he stood before me, our faces only centimetres apart and it was as though the rest of the room melted away. I was lost in his eyes as he pulled me tightly into his chest, stroking my hair gently. “Sshhh” he whispered soothingly in my ear over and over again, and I knew right then, that if there was any doubt before, everyone in the room would now realise the intensity of the relationship between myself and King. It was a long time before I stopped crying, turning my tear stained face up to his as he kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry” I whispered “but I need to go. It was hard seeing you again Jason”. He was nodding, pain etched in his face at my words. I was desperate to kiss him, to hold him, to love him, but I couldn’t risk it. “I’m sorry Sweetheart, I wish I could change the way things are” he said gently, kissing my forehead again. His wonderful touch and kind words almost slicing through my resolve. He wished things were different and God so did I, but I couldn’t move forward playing second best to Tamsin Lloyd, being crushed every time he left me. My feelings just ran too deep for that to be an option. It took every ounce of force and will I had to pull away, as he stood silently watching me. “This is for you and the junior creative’s, I couldn’t have done it without you all” I smiled at Katie, handing her the huge gold award I’d won. “I’m leaving now” I tried to smile, noting the snarling face of Ian Anderson as I walked away, glancing briefly at Jason just as the tears began again. He moved towards me as I shook my head. If he held me again there would be no way back.
