by Jewel Allen
All the while, I was aware of only one firefighter in the room. Of his occasional lingering gaze.
The guys were all so nice and funny, which reminded me of why Stratton wanted to give his all to this crew. I probably should resent them, but I only felt gratitude that if Stratton had been slaving away at the station it was with this good set of humans.
They managed to get the kids cleaned up and the last few things I needed packed up, and then they whisked us off fairly efficiently into my car. I drove the kids by myself and they met us at the Andersons. My landlords came out to greet us. Selina lavished attention on the kids while George peppered Ransom with equipment questions.
I had no idea where anything should go so I asked the guys to put the stuff where there was room. The crew did as I asked and exited, leaving Stratton the only one standing in the cabin.
“Hi, Daddy,” the kids said, waving from the loft beds.
He grinned. “Hiya, kiddos. I’m gonna go now. Be good for Mommy, okay?”
“Okay!” Ben promised.
Then Stratton turned to me.
This was it. This was goodbye.
“Thank you,” I said, unsuccessfully trying to keep my voice from wobbling.
He attempted a wobbly smile. “You’re very welcome. Let me know if you need anything.”
Would I really turn to him for help? Maybe, maybe not. Not right away, anyway. “That’s nice of you to offer.”
I followed him out and shouted my thanks to his men before coming in and shutting the door. I leaned against it for one long moment, letting the sounds of my children playing above fill me with a much needed calm.
We’re gonna make it through, I repeated the mantra until I almost believed it.
Chapter Fifteen
Stratton
Luckily, the first tones didn’t ring until after we got back to the station.
It was a fire call in the older part of town, in a small historic home. By the time we arrived, the attic was gutted. An elderly couple held each other as they watched from the front yard. We got to work immediately, using the ladder to direct the hose to what used to be a tower. I had seen this house several times as I went around town and felt bad for the owners.
Once the fire had been snuffed out, we set about studying what might have caused it.
“Faulty wiring,” Ransom reported to me as I stood there talking with the couple.
“We should have listened to our son when he suggested we fix it,” the lady said, her mouth trembling. “And now it’s too late.”
Her husband pulled her close and kissed her forehead. “It’ll be okay Ruth. I’m sure we can have it fixed.”
“The damage is mostly on the outside,” I pointed out. “It wouldn’t be too much of a repair. Especially since most of it was from the smoke.”
The couple nodded and leaned into each other’s arms for comfort.
I stared at them, my throat tightening with envy. That could have been Kennedy and me someday—growing old together. But now, nothing was a guarantee.
I turned away and took care of the interface with the police unit that showed up. When we were all done and ready to return to the station, I got in the fire engine. As Ransom drove away from the curb, Gage spoke up from the back.
“Hey Cap, Maya and I were wondering if you and your wife would like to double date with us sometime.”
The ironic timing of Gage’s invitation wasn’t lost on me. But Kennedy did say she would be open to dating.
“Sure,” I said, glancing out the window and back. “It’s all up to her of course.”
Gage nodded. “Of course.”
Weston winced. “Did you have to ask Cap that the day she moved out?”
“Oh. Sorry, Cap.” Gage grimaced. “Wow. You probably hate my guts for even asking. I was just trying to be helpful.” He swallowed and hung his head. “I’ll shut up now.”
“Not your fault. And we’re not divorcing or anything.” I didn’t say it but the word yet could have followed close behind. “She did say we could date still.”
“Great.” Gage nodded.
Everyone scattered once we were back at the station. I wanted to work out to release some pent-up frustration. I had to take my mind off the fact that Kennedy was not going to be home after this shift.
Gage was already working the bench press and grunted a greeting at my arrival. I put on my workout gloves and started doing some chin-ups. I wanted to see how many I could do without crying uncle. By the time I’d gotten fifty and my arms felt like rubber, I let go and rested. The punishing workout felt good. I needed the distraction.
“Hey Cap.” Gage’s voice was quiet. “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but what went wrong between you and Kennedy?”
I grabbed a clean towel out of my cubby and wiped the sweat off my face. “Honestly, I’m not sure.”
“Really? She didn’t tell you?”
“Well, okay.” I put the towel around my neck. “Maybe she did. She said something about me not being there for her. I guess my prep work for battalion chief was the last straw.” I sat on a bench and rested my tired arms on my thighs. “To be honest, it’s not uncommon for marriages to…fail among firefighters. I could be part of that sad statistic.”
“Too bad, isn’t it?” Gage mused. “We’re busy helping others so much, we aren’t able to help ourselves. Are you going to keep testing for B.C.?”
I didn’t answer for a long moment. “I’ve been thinking about it again. When I made the decision, I went all out. I hate being on the fence on something. Especially something this big.” I paused. “But with my marriage on the line, I don’t know…”
“They’re both good things.”
“My marriage is. For sure. The B.C., I used to think so. I just have to decide if it’s worth the price, now that I’ve had a taste of the process.”
“Five more months, right?”
A long five months. “Yes.”
Gage gave me a hesitant glance. “I’ll be honest. I hope I don’t have to make too many hard choices between Maya and this job.”
“It’s not a question of will you, but how you’ll cope with it.”
Gage swallowed and bit his lip.
I whipped off my towel onto my lap. “Maybe I’m not the one to give you advice, Gage, but once you commit to a relationship, you go all in. Go on dates even if it’s going out for a cheap burger so that you’re not home sniping at each other all day. That way your love can stay sweet. Make sure your wife doesn’t feel invisible.” I thought fleetingly of Shanna. “Also, there’s no such thing as innocent flirting.”
“Thanks, Cap. I’ll remember that.” Gage stood. “For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you guys.”
I smiled. “Thanks.” After he left, I mulled our conversation. It was easy to think of the what-ifs, but the true test of my resolve was still to come. I thought of all the hard things I’d been through as a firefighter.
The survival of my marriage was the ultimate fire call. I would have to fight for it with all that I had. I knew that if I dug deep, I would find what I needed.
Chapter Sixteen
Kennedy
That first week on the job fell into a nice routine. I dropped Ben off at school and Evie at my mom’s before reporting to work. I didn’t want to burn my mom out so once in a while, I arranged to have the kids watched by a sitter. Stratton had offered, but while he was on the overtime list, I couldn’t count on his availability. Hiring a sitter was a lot more money, but I was determined to not burden others while I was working on getting myself up on my own two feet.
It was good to work and stay busy. It kept my mind off Stratton and our marriage troubles. I remembered how he’d kissed me the day he left for his shift, my heart squeezing at his tenderness.
Sooner or later, I knew I needed to start opening myself up once again to him, but I needed to get stronger on my own before taking those steps. Frankly, I was scared of falling into the same patterns and getting hurt. But I needed t
o have faith that we were both capable of change. As tempting as it was to lay all the fault at his door, I knew I needed to heal and purge the bitterness that was poisoning our marriage.
Evie hadn’t really understood completely about us leaving Stratton for the cabin. Ben, wise in his six years, patted her on the arm and said, “Mommy’s taking us away for a long sleepover.”
The kids loved the cabin, as I suspected they would. Evie started to play kitchen in our toy-sized space. Ben liked to climb up and down the ladder.
“Like Daddy,” he said.
“Yes,” I replied in a wistful voice. “Like Daddy.”
My throat tightened at the thought of Ben possibly growing up to be a firefighter like Stratton. Would I be able to let go of my son and let him run into danger to save people?
If that was his choice, it would be difficult, but I would do it.
Just like I had with Stratton.
The world desperately needed more valiant men and women willing to lay their lives on the line to help others.
Even though it always pained me to think of Stratton possibly getting injured or worse every time he said goodbye, I had long reconciled myself to the uncertainty of the firefighting profession. In the first ten years of our marriage, I tried to put the risks in the back of my mind. That was the only way I could survive it. Until it no longer was enough.
Had I given up too soon?
Not if I kept fighting for our marriage. But Stratton needed to remind me of the reasons why I should.
One of the selling points of battalion chief was that Stratton wouldn’t be as much in the frontlines. It would have meant less personal danger. We had taken months to think and pray about this career move. I didn’t realize the toll it would take on our marriage so soon into the process. A firefighter job already came with many other stressors.
Standing there behind my new hotel desk job waiting for guests to arrive, I had a moment of quiet. Thinking of Stratton. Missing him.
I let my mind wander back to our dating days. My chest tightened at the memory of Stratton picking me up for our dates and stopping the truck once we were out of my parents’ driveway and pulling me into his arms for a hungry kiss.
But it wasn’t just the physical moments that I remembered. I thought back to the times when he and I hung out together in the yard, watching the sunset. We talked easily with each other like best friends.
I missed my best friend.
Blinking back tears at the sound of the hotel phone buzzing, I took a deep breath and answered it.
“Lake Powell Marina Motel,” I said.
“Hi, Kennedy.”
It freaked me out that just as I was thinking of Stratton, there he was calling on the phone. “Hi,” trying to sound calm.
“I’m sorry to call you at work, but I tried your cell and had hoped for an answer sooner.”
“Go ahead. I’m not busy for the moment.”
“I was wondering if you’d like to go on a double-date with Gage and Maya this weekend.”
A double-date.
My heart thudded fast as I digested his words.
“Hello? Kennedy?”
“Yes, I’m here.”
I shouldn’t have to think about this. This is my husband.
Whom I just left to put some space between us.
“Doing what?” I stalled.
“A movie at the drive-in.”
I pictured Stratton and me sitting in the back seat watching the movie, sharing a tub of popcorn. We’d gone to the drive-in regularly before the kids arrived. Sometimes…the movie was forgotten when he set aside the popcorn and pulled me in his arms.
“Okay,” I finally said.
“Okay?” His voice rose in pitch.
“Yes.”
We both sounded like awkward teenagers. Except I was a grown-up at my first day on the job and I was on a personal call that was probably a no-no. Being asked on a date by my estranged husband.
“Great. I’m so glad.” He sounded glad. “I’ll text you the details, but I thought I could pick you up Saturday night at six for a tailgate dinner.”
“With them?”
“No, just us.” He paused. “Is that all right?”
Why did I feel like hyper-ventilating at the thought of me sitting on my husband’s tailgate while eating burgers? “Sure.”
“And don’t worry about a sitter. I already asked Emma if the cousins can come over. If you’re okay with that.”
I was glad he couldn’t see me as I picked my jaw up from the floor. I could count with fingers of one hand the few times he’d taken the initiative to arrange for a sitter after the kids came along. “Fantastic.”
In the corner of my eye, I caught the reflection of light on the chrome of a car parking along the motel’s double doors.
“I have to go…”
“Of course. Have a great first day at the job.”
I hung up, feeling dizzy. It felt funny being asked out by my husband, even though spending time together was the right thing for us to work toward.
I cut short my daydream when a couple entered the hotel. For the next several minutes, I helped them, and then I allowed myself to think back to this new normal.
The past couple of years, Stratton and I had gotten into a rut, like ships passing in the night. We sometimes went on dates, but he rarely asked me out. Our dates usually happened because the kids were invited over to Grandma’s for a sleepover or to hang-out, and so we took advantage of it.
This felt…different. I felt different. Off-kilter. Out of my comfort zone. I was excited to see Stratton, for a change, even as butterflies formed in my stomach at the thought of being with him.
Chapter Seventeen
Stratton
The fire call at the station came at eight p.m. the next day. It was a house fire involving juveniles and a babysitter.
When we got to the scene, the fire was already blazing through two floors of a multi-level house. Weston deployed the hose with Gage’s help while I ran to get information from the witness. The sitter was a teenage girl who sat helplessly outside while moaning, over and over, “They’re inside! It’s my fault, it’s my fault!”
“This looks bad,” Coleman, our reserve who joined us every other week, said under his breath.
“We’re going to do a left-handed search, Coleman,” I told him. “Keep your head.”
“Yes, sir.”
The heat of the fire seeped through the thin covering over my neck and ears as soon as we stepped inside. The sitter had said the matches had been in the living room. I rushed in, sweeping the area for bodies with the thermal imaging camera. They lay, two of them, a boy and a girl, holding on to each other. Not moving.
Coleman swooped in on them. He carried the girl and I lifted the boy, my breath noisy with my oxygen regulator on. We turned to rush out when something exploded nearby, sparking off a fire directly in our only exit out.
Coleman turned to me, his eyes panicked behind his mask. Without fire gear and masks, these kids didn’t have long, if they were even alive still.
I handed him the boy and ran over to the obstruction, a shelf that had tipped over. I hefted it up and shoved it back toward the wall. I turned to Coleman who was already moving out of the danger zone and out into fresh air. And safety.
At nine, it was still light. But the scene had turned smoggy with all the smoke. Other fire and police units had arrived. The sitter was being questioned by our investigator and the police. The poor parents hadn’t arrived yet.
From what I’d gathered fairly quickly, the sitter had stepped out of the house to smoke a cigarette. The kids found her matches and lit the house on fire. The parents were on their way but they had a two-hour drive.
Hunter and Weston worked on the siblings. I unlatched my regulator and watched their efforts at CPR.
After what seemed like a long, long while, they stopped.
Hunter lifted his eyes to me and shook his head ever so slightly. I closed my eyes and brea
thed a lungful of fresh air, but it could have been smoke for all the pain I felt inside. I left them to their work as I tied up the loose ends at the scene. The children had been pronounced dead, but just the same, I drove up with Hunter and the crew to the hospital.
An hour later, we’d wrapped up our reports and the children’s parents were allowed time for privacy. I wandered off into the hallway, still in my gear, unstrapping my helmet and tucking it under my arm.
“Captain.”
I turned and saw Shanna standing there.
“I’m sorry.” Her expression was pained. “I heard.”
“Thanks.” The emotions wouldn’t come until later, if they did at all. For now, I felt numb.
“Would you like a hot chocolate?”
“Sure. That sounds good.” I looked around. “My crew is here somewhere. They would probably appreciate that too.”
“I’ll make sure they get a drink too.”
I followed her to a break room where we had access 24/7 and the door shut after us. At the sight of an array of candy bars and chips on the counter, my stomach grumbled. I remembered that I hadn’t eaten dinner yet.
“Help yourself,” she said over her shoulder.
“I know. Thanks.”
“I just wanted to tell you something nice.” Shanna turned to face me as she heated a mug of hot water in the microwave. She was lovely to look at. A different kind of beauty from Kennedy’s. Dark-haired with angular features. A strong nose bridge. She had told me once that she was part Navajo from her mother’s side.
She seemed so real and raw right now. Accessible to me.
I thought of Kennedy, and our pact not to date other people.
I broke eye contact with Shanna and wandered off to the sofa. I sat and closed my eyes, running my fingertips over them.
The microwave dinged. I listened to Shanna moving around, ripping the hot chocolate drink wrap, stirring it with a spoon.
“Here you go.”
