by Lola StVil
“I’m sorry, Sky; I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s hard, okay?”
“No, that’s not okay. I’ve talked to you about things that were hard for me.”
“I thought we weren’t keeping score.”
“Goddamn it, Cash; stop it! You have to talk to me.”
“No, I can’t. Not about this.”
“Argh! Why, why not?! Cash you have to—”
“No.”
“You can’t just keep this—”
“GODDAMN IT; I SAID NO!”
The moment the words come out of my mouth, I know I am wrong and out of line. She doesn’t counter. That’s a bad sign. When she no longer wants her voice to be heard, it means she’s done. I tend to explode when I’m frustrated, but Sky will go inside herself and retreat. I’m guessing both methods are bad and will lead to us spending the night apart.
“I want to go home—back to my place.”
Yeah, that’s what I thought would happen—fuck.
“Okay, if that’s what you want. I can drive you,” I reply.
“I didn’t say I was going home; I said I want to go. But I’m not. I’m gonna stay right here, with you,” she says as she sits back down on the edge of the bed.
“You’re staying?”
“Yes. Because I know if I were having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat, mad at me or not, you wouldn’t leave me alone. And I want to be as good to you as you have been to me.”
Crap. I hang my head in shame.
God, I’m such an asshole!
“Babe, I’m sorry…” I begin, not knowing what else to say.
She turns to me and speaks in a soft yet firm voice. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. But you do need to talk to someone. Everyone needs help sometimes, Cash. And it’s okay to ask for it.” She gets back under the covers, and I’m thinking at the very least, she’ll turn her back towards me, but she doesn’t. She reaches out for me and makes me rest my head on her chest.
We lie in silence as she gently runs her fingers through my hair. She doesn’t ask me any questions. She doesn’t say anything; she just lets me rest against her. And with every passing moment, my stress falls away, and I begin to relax. It’s her touch. It’s fucking healing. And before I know it, what was so hard to do suddenly isn’t as hard as I first thought.
“There’s a kid; his name is Tyler. His dad was my partner. We were undercover together in Mexico. And I missed something. And that something is the reason why Tyler lost his dad.”
Cash’s body is here in bed with me, but his mind is a million miles away. His voice sounds distant and pained as he begins to tell me what happened to his partner, Hank. I wish I could take some of the pain from his voice as he speaks, but the only way that will happen is to let him talk and get it out. I didn’t think he’d give in and tell me, but I’m glad he is doing just that. I have questions, a lot of them, but I know I have to let him reveal things at his own pace.
“There’s was an up-and-coming cartel based out of Tijuana: the Sabido cartel. They were small-time at first, but over the years, they become more powerful and were starting to rival major competitors. The leader, Sabido, nicknamed ‘Mano De diso,’ which means ‘hand of god,’ became known for his cruelty and his ruthlessness. And even among the cartels, he stood out.
“He was moving major product into the US, and every time we got close to arresting him, witnesses would end up dead or missing. Soon Sabido was pulling in millions and was damn near unstoppable. We ran ops to get close to him, but in the end, we always failed. It turns out he had members of the DEA in his back pocket, including my partner, Hank.
“Hank was a veteran. He’d been DEA for over fifteen years. There was nothing to dictate that he would turn—nothing at all. Well, at least not in his profile. But the truth is, you never know which way a man will go when he’s cornered. And Hank was cornered, and I didn’t see that.
“We spent many nights undercover in various places around the world, and although the cities were different, they always had a few things in common: cheap hotel rooms, cheap booze, hookers, and card tables. I was still dealing with losing Rose. Some days I was fine, and other days, I was really fucking struggling. I kept focused on the job—the job was my saving grace.
“But it turns out I wasn’t doing it as well as I thought. See, when we were done with an assignment or a meet, I’d head back to my hotel room. I’d miss Rose and try to drown away her memory in whiskey. But while I was doing that, Hank was going to the card tables—a lot. The thing is, while he’s good undercover, he can’t play poker for shit. He lost—repeatedly.
“Soon, he had gotten an all-out gambling addiction and no way out. That’s when someone approached him from the cartel. They turned him. At first, it was a few hundred bucks for some small seemingly unimportant info, just to test him. And before he knew it, he was telling them everything and getting paid thousands of dollars.
“But what sealed Hank’s fate wasn’t the gamble he took at the card table, it was the one he took with his dick. We got a big break when Sabido’s main mistress—and yes, he had several—was fed up and wanted out. Her name was Isabella. So, we agreed to get her out, and she would give up everything she had on Sabido.
“We set up a series of ops to gather as much as we could on the whole crew. We knew the more we had, the more we could use against him. She kept getting cold feet, and we were about to lose her. So Hank and I were sent to watch her and make sure she didn’t lose her nerve. Again I was too busy fighting my way out of a haze of mourning to note that Hank and Isabella had gotten close.
“In fact, they were sleeping together, and he suddenly had a new obsession—Isabella. He plotted to steal a small fortune from Sabido and run away with her. He decided to leave his wife and his son behind so he could live off drug money and fuck his way up and down the globe with Sabido’s chick.
“But Sabido found out. And he sent Hank a picture of Tyler headed to school. Hank wanted to start a new life, but he couldn’t bear to watch his kid get killed. So he begged for forgiveness from Sabido. That vicious asshole said he’d only consider it if Hank made sure our team was taken care of and that Isabella died for her betrayal—by Hank’s hands.
“Hank set us up, and we walked into an ambush. By the time I realized what was happening, we were surrounded. Hank cut Isabella’s throat, the blood coated the walls, and he fucking cried like a baby as she died. In the chaos and the gunfire, Hank was hit in the leg. It wasn’t bad; he’d survive, but now, Sanchez would kill him for not killing our whole team, or he would go to prison for life.
“He begged me to shoot him. He knew that prison was no place for a DEA agent. It was worse than any hell he could be going to. He begged me to shoot him again and again.
He begged; I said no. He asked for a favor, and I told him to fuck off. He said it wasn’t for him, it was for Tyler.
“You see, now that it was all over, he was starting to regret his choices. He begged me not to tell Tyler or his wife what he was about to do. I said, ‘That’s bullshit, they will know as soon as we get back to the US.’ But he didn’t plan on getting back.
“He wanted to die then and there. I wanted him to pay for his crimes and face justice. He didn’t have the guts to end it himself, so he forced me to do it. He went for the weapon near one of the gunmen. He knew I was a good marksman. He knew I wouldn’t miss. He wanted me to shoot him.
“But before I squeezed the trigger, for a fraction of a second I thought to myself, Hank is not really going to shoot me. Hank wouldn’t do that. Not after all these missions together.
“But I was standing there bathed in the blood of the woman he loved, surrounded by fellow cops he’d killed. The fact was, I couldn’t take that chance. He aimed for my head, I aimed for his, and well...I never miss.”
My heart aches for him as I listen to his story. I turn to face him and find his eyes dark with regret.
/> “What happened to the cartel? Are they still after Tyler?”
“Most of them were taken into custody, and Sabido died in prison on the orders of a rival cartel leader. So Hank’s family is safe.”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. How do you hold all of that inside and not go crazy?” I ask.
He looks away. Damn it; I have no idea how to make this better. I place my hand on his shoulder and he doesn’t turn me away, so I know the anger now on his face isn’t directed at me.
“It’s my fault, Sky. If I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own shit, I could have seen what was going on with Hank. If I had gotten him help for his gambling addiction, none of this would have happened. And what’s worse, I let him down twice. I didn’t realize he had gotten so close to Isabella. It was right in front of me, and I missed it.”
“Hey, you stop that. Stop blaming yourself for what Hank did.”
“He was my partner. I was supposed to see it, and I didn’t. That’s on me!”
“The hell it is. Hank was a grown man who made his own choices. You don’t have to put that on yourself. It’s not fair to you.”
He gets up from the bed and paces up and down the room. He rakes his hands through his hair, interlocks his fingers behind his neck, and stares up at the ceiling. His bulging muscles are tense as he folds his arms before him. I’ve never seen him so crestfallen and tormented. My heart hurts for him, and I know he won’t just let it go. I get up and walk over to him.
“Cash…”
“Babe, don’t…” he says, trying to keep me at arm’s length.
“Talk to me. Tell me what happened after that night.”
“The DEA kept things under wraps for as long as they could, but now Tyler and his mother want to know what really happened. They aren’t buying the ‘friendly fire’ story. And every day that passes, Tyler is doing more and more destructive shit because I won’t tell him the truth.”
“Honey, you have to tell him—if the DEA said it’s okay to say something, you have to do that.”
“No, no. I can’t,” he says as he begins to pace again.
“Why not? Cash, this is obviously hurting Tyler. That’s why he’s acting out. I know that Hank wanted you to grant his last wish and keep the truth from his family but—”
“I don’t give a shit about Hank and what he wanted. He lost my respect when he sold out our team.”
“Then what’s the issue with telling Tyler?”
He doesn’t answer me right away. He searches for the words and I let him take as much time as he needs.
“Babe, when I was Tyler’s age, my dad was my hero. My parents are only one of a few couples that stayed married in our neighborhood. They don’t just have the ‘appearance’ of being a happy couple; they are actually happy. So imagine my surprise when one day after class I spotted my dad with another woman, going to a hotel together.
“My heart fell to the fucking floor. My dad always demanded that we be honest and respectful with women. He went on and on about what being a man really meant. He was the one we looked to when we needed guidance, moral or otherwise. And here he was taking another woman to a hotel in the middle of the day.”
A lump forms in my throat. Oh shit, is he telling me that…
“Cash, did your dad cheat on your mom?”
“No. It turns out my mom was in a hotel room waiting for my dad and the woman—her seamstress—to arrive. They were getting ready for a charity luncheon taking place at the hotel. My mom’s dress had been torn, and she sent my dad to go pick up the seamstress, to do some last-minute mending.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Babe, for those few hours when I thought my dad had betrayed my mom, betrayed his marriage vows, I was devastated. I felt like I had lost all sense of right and wrong. I love my dad. But at that moment, I hated his guts. When I thought he cheated on my mom…it ripped my fucking heart out.”
I exhale as it begins to sink in. “Tyler and his dad were really close,” I reply.
“Yes, they were. He’s fighting to know why I took his father away. The man he loves, the man he admires and looks up to. Tyler is smoking, skipping school, and doing everything he can to rage against the world that took his father away. And most of all, he’s taking all his rage out on me. Fine, I can take it.
“Tyler thinks his dad was the best cop that ever lived. A goddamn hero. What happens when he finds out his dad was dirty? What happens when he learns that his father was going to abandon him and his mom? That the man who was supposed to be there for him was actually planning on taking off to never return? Sky, I already took away Tyler’s father. But if I tell him what kind of man Hank really was, I’ll be taking away his legacy too.”
“Hank’s legacy is a lie.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s all Tyler has. And I can’t take it away.”
I gently force him to unfold his arms. I enter his personal space, and he doesn’t push me away. I place my hands on either side of his face and look into his eyes.
“Cash Hunter, you are only allowed to feel guilty about choices that you made—no one else’s. It’s not noble; it’s self-destructive. Believe me.”
“He loves Hank so much…when I tell him…babe, it’ll break him.”
“Cash, sweetheart, Tyler’s already broken. The only thing that can help him put himself back together is what Hank tried to deny him—the truth.”
He takes a deep breath and studies me. I watch as a small smile begins to form on his face. “Come here,” he says, pulling me closer.
I lean into him. He wraps me up in a big, tight embrace. He whispers in my ear, “Are you okay if I never let you go?”
“Yeah, I’m good with that,” I reply as I snuggle against him. He tilts my head up so that we are eye to eye.
“I’m serious,” he says. “I spend my days chasing criminals, making deals with scum, and hunting vile predators who would do anything for a buck. And yet the worst part of my day isn’t at work. The worst part is when I come home, and you’re not there.”
“Cash…what are you saying?”
“Sky, move in with me.”
The next morning, I’m not sure what to expect from Sky. On the one hand, I feel like I know her very well, but on the other hand, she still has the ability to surprise me. So when I enter the kitchen and find her standing there, I have no idea if she is okay with what I asked her. She could be rethinking the curtains or trying to figure out a nice way to let me down easy.
I didn’t know I was going to ask her to move in with me. I don’t regret it at all. It just feels right and what feels even more right is having her in my life forever. But for now, I’m hoping she’s good with moving in.
“Hi,” she says in a soft tone.
“Hi,” I reply as I lean in and give her a quick kiss. We follow our routine; she gets out the plates, and I pour the juice. This morning we have bacon and egg sandwiches, seasoned potatoes, and fruit. We are all set up. This is normally the time we talk and discuss the day that lies ahead, but she is unusually quiet.
Okay…
“How’s the sandwich?” I ask, not knowing what else to say.
She makes the thumbs-up sign as she takes another bite. I know she’s just trying to avoid talking about last night, but she’s so damn cute when she’s stuffing her face and avoiding me. It won’t work, but how fun to watch her try.
“Babe, about last night. I know that I sprang it on you.”
She nods and takes a long sip of her orange juice. She holds her hand up, signaling that I should wait for her.
“Okay, I’ll wait. I just want you to know that it’s okay if you need time to think about it. I know you have to talk to Kenzy and really work out if this is the best move for—”
“Yes,” she says as soon as she is done with her juice.
“I’m sorry, what?” I reply, caught off guard.
“Yes, I will move in with you.” She grins.
“Just like that?”
“Yeah.”
/>
“You don’t want to think it over?”
“No.”
“Really? And what makes you so sure about your decision?” I ask.
Cash, why the fuck are you pushing the issue? She said yes. Say “Great” and let that shit ride! Why are you making her think it over? You know how in her head she can get. Um…kind of like you’re doing right now, you dick!
“I’m glad you said yes, babe. But, I was expecting…”
“To be honest, me too,” she says as she clears the table. “But this morning when I woke up there was no inner struggle. There was just…happiness. I’m happy to be with you and to live here. Is that okay? Or do you want to withdraw your offer?”
I pull her against me. “No fucking way, you’re staying here. This is your home,” I reply as I kiss her. This was easy, and I’m always suspicious of things that are too easy. But after the crazy night we had, I’ll take easy and be grateful.
***
It’s rare that I have time to drop her off at work, but we finished eating early, so I’m able to take her. She sits across from me, and I have to remind myself not to look at her too much because that shit will turn me on and neither of us can miss work.
“So, we are really going to live together?” she asks.
“Unless you’ve changed your mind in the last fifteen minutes…”
She smiles. It’s a content smile that warms me. I still can’t believe how much her happiness matters to me.
“Have you given any thought to what you’re gonna do about the Tyler situation?” she asks gently.
I take a deep breath and grip the wheel tighter. She reaches over and places her hand on my knee. “Cash, I get that it’s hard to tell him and I get that you want to protect him, but he needs to know, or he will only get himself into more trouble.”
“Yeah, I know. And you’re right. It’s just that when he talks about his dad, he has this look of admiration. I hate like hell that I’m the one who has to take that away,” I confess.
“Yeah, me too. But it’s what he needs to move on.”
