by Ben Shapiro
Kerry’s penchant for marrying up in wealth created a severe public relations problem for him. The situation was rich ground for comics. “John Kerry’s wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn’t bother John Kerry, he said, ‘To me, she looks like a million bucks,’ ” cracked Jay Leno on April 29, 2004.107 “Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine,” Leno joked a day later. “John Kerry said he first noticed her when she was on the cover of another magazine, Fortune.”108
“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser,” stated Craig Kilborn. “When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, ‘I do.’”109 Kilborn wasn’t done. “Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he’s going to put it on his wife’s Gold Card.”110 Conan O’Brien got in on the act: “Shrek 2 made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.”111
This kind of attention does not help presidential candidates.The public began to wonder whether Kerry would attempt to divorce Teresa and marry Bill Gates under Massachusetts’s gay marriage regime.
Heinz’s wealth wasn’t Kerry’s only problem. Heinz had a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. In a June 2002 Washington Post feature story, Heinz made a fool of herself. “Teresa Heinz is getting up a full head of rage while her husband, Sen. John Kerry, fidgets,” wrote reporter Mark Leibovich. “Every time Heinz raises her voice, Kerry tries to play down his wife’s agitation, which only inflames her more.” In the article, Heinz made light of Kerry’s Vietnam dreams and interrupted him repeatedly. The piece discussed Heinz’s past psychiatric issues, her tendency to refer to her deceased husband as “my husband,” and an incident in which Heinz told Kerry that he was living in her house.
Leibovich concluded:
Over two long interviews, Teresa Heinz is by turns effusive and harsh, warm and slightly bitter, solemn and melodramatic. And she is always, unfailingly, smart, original and provocative. She hits on the following things: the excessive drinking of a Massachusetts politician, the miscarriage suffered by one senator’s wife, her own miscarriage, and the Boston TV reporter who is an “unhappy, lonely man.” She speaks of how her oldest son, John IV, started “hating her” two years ago, when his daughter was born. (He declined to comment.) She also talks about how shy she is.112
In other words, Heinz was a bit nutty. That nuttiness shone through during the campaign. She informed Dr. Phil’s shocked wife that she had been a “witch” with her children, and that she called her miscarriages “pinkies.”113 She stated at an Arizona fundraiser that she wouldn’t be surprised if the Bush Administration somehow produced Osama bin Laden before the 2004 election.114 She told one reporter from a Pittsburgh newspaper to “shove it.” She informed a crowd that those who wanted President Bush for four more years wanted “four more years of hell.”115 She questioned whether Laura Bush, who had been a librarian and schoolteacher, had ever held a “real job.”116
Then there was Teresa’s accent. It made her seem foreign; it was vaguely unsettling. She foolishly opened her Democratic National Convention speech by speaking in five languages, accentuating rather than diminishing the perception that she was not quite American.117
Heinz helped cripple Kerry’s bid for the White House. It was not much of a surprise when Teresa dropped the Kerry from her name again after the 2004 campaign.118
NOT EVERY FIRST LADY CANDIDATE is a disaster on the order of Teresa Heinz Kerry or a success on the order of Eleanor Roosevelt. Most fall somewhere in between. Laura Bush and Nancy Reagan are both typical first ladies—women who support their husbands to the hilt and mainly remain in the background. Such women may provide the most important aid to their husbands—support behind the scenes. They do not create fires that must be extinguished. Their ambitions are the same as their husbands’.
This is not to say that all presidential contenders’ wives ought to remain silent. Many wives can add sparkle to their husbands’ campaigns. But the danger inherent in creating a second politician—a politician whose views are often directly ascribed to their spouses—may be greater than the potential reward.
If potential first ladies are features of a presidential candidate’s image, perhaps we should dismiss the stigma associated with attacking a nominee’s spouse. We attack a politician’s hair, height, weight, humor, military service, bookishness, age—in short, everything, both relevant and irrelevant. Should first ladies be immune? After all, no matter what politicians say, we are getting a “two for one” deal.
8
The Magic Formula
SORRY, FOLKS. There is no magic formula that can unerringly predict winners and losers in presidential elections. A haircut may cause a sensation in one election ( JFK, 1960) and fall flat in another ( John Kerry, 2004). Height may be a boon to one candidate (Lincoln, 1860 and 1864) but a bust for another (Winfield Scott, 1852). Age may demonstrate seasoned experience (Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952 and 1956) or decrepitude (Bob Dole, 1996).
Acting like a cowboy may thrill voters (George W. Bush, 2000 and 2004) or it may alienate them (Barry Goldwater, 1964). Acting aloof may cripple one candidate (Al Gore, 2000) but boost another (Woodrow Wilson, 1912 and 1916). Military experience may ensure victory (Ulysses S. Grant, 1868 and 1872), or it may spell defeat (George McClellan, 1864). An outspoken wife may hurt a candidate (Gerald Ford, 1976) or aid him (Bill Clinton, 1992).
Still, we can spot trends. Americans generally like boots rather than suits; tall men rather than short men; candidates above age fifty; nominees with good but inexpensive haircuts; people we wouldn’t mind sitting next to at a bar; men with military experience, if that military experience is important enough; and men with wives who aren’t catty or loud.
And we can form educated opinions about each of these factors for each candidate. For some candidates, certain factors never become an issue: the first lady issue, for instance, played no part in any election until the mid-twentieth century, except for Andrew Jackson (1824 and 1828) and Grover Cleveland (1888 and 1892). But by measuring the impact, pro or con, of each image issue, we can quickly determine which presidential candidate has the image advantage.
Here, then, are the top ten image candidates of all time. Each applicable factor has been ranked on a scale from -5 (worst) to 5 (best). After adding together the applicable factors, we determine a percentage grade for each candidate by dividing the number of points by the number of points possible. Every election is different, so we can’t assume that just because Bill Clinton’s draft dodging didn’t hurt him in 1992, it wouldn’t have hurt him against Dwight D. Eisenhower. To that end, we have added an adjusted score—how would these candidates fare in today’s political climate? It is worth noting that every one of these politicians was a master of image. There is no doubt that each would have adapted to changing times, so our adjusted scores are not necessarily the final word.
1. WARREN G. HARDING, 1920
Warren G. Harding was the purest image politician in American history. Nominated for his good looks, Harding died in office after his administration subjected the country to a series of devastating corruption scandals. Rarely has image contrasted so sharply with ability.
Height: 5. At six feet tall, Harding was solidly built and powerful looking. He looked fit as a fiddle (and he was apparently ready for love—at least according to Nan Britton).
Age: 5. At fifty-five, Harding was the perfect age. He seemed healthful, tanned, vital. He radiated an air of solemnity and gravitas.
Hair: 5. His thick silvery hair was an aesthetically pleasing addition to his bronzed, chiseled face.
Beer Buddy: 5. Everyone liked Warren G. Harding—even those who thought him an intellectual midget. “His home people declare him as sincere as Roosevelt; affable as McKinley, and with Blaine’s capacity for inspiring frien
dships,” wrote campaign biographer Joe Mitchell Chapple.1 Harding’s penchant for making friends served him ill in office—his “friends” betrayed him repeatedly. “I have no trouble with my enemies,” Harding once declared. “I can take care of my enemies all right. It’s my friends that keep me up at night.”2
FINAL SCORE: 100%
Woodrow Wilson successfully put to rest the suits versus boots debate, and Harding was the beneficiary. He had no military experience, but he didn’t need any. His wife, while helpful, had no impact on his image.
ADJUSTED SCORE: 68%
Harding could easily be elected today. His affable image, combined with his impressive personal appearance, would remain a powerful asset. Harding was lucky to run in 1920 in one respect: the media did not investigate his sexual exploits. Harding was quite promiscuous—during the 1920 election, he paid off a former mistress to keep her mouth shut. This would certainly become a major campaign issue today (-3).
2. GEORGE WASHINGTON, 1788 AND 1792
General Washington ran unopposed—twice. Potential opponents were smart to stay out of his way.
Suits vs. Boots: 4. Washington was a boots candidate, all the way, a rich and cultured wilderness man. Experience in the French and Indian War lent him an air of adventure; marrying Martha Washington didn’t hurt his bank account.Washington loved his plantation and lavished his attention on it. Here was a true American Cincinnatus.
Height: 5. Standing somewhere between six-feet-two-inches and six-feet-three-and-a half-inches, Washington towered over his compatriots. John Adams suspected that Washington’s height lent him an amorphous leadership quality.Washington was, literally and figuratively, a giant among men.
Age: 5. The “Father of Our Country” didn’t take his title lightly. Washington often relied on his age to garner support, citing his graying hair and weakened eyes as evidence of his lifelong commitment to his country. It worked to perfection. Marvin Kitman wrote, “He did it the way Ronald Reagan would have done it.”3
Military: 5. The man was George Washington. Need we say more?
FINAL SCORE: 95%
Washington’s hair didn’t matter very much, though he wore his own and powdered it. Martha didn’t matter much either—which is fortunate for George, since George married her for her money. As for Washington’s personality, it too was ignored. The man was a demigod in his own time, and no one expected a demigod to pal around with mere mortals.
ADJUSTED SCORE: 37%
Today’s media would have savaged Washington. The Father of Our Country would have faced scrutiny over his lavish, un-bootslike spending habits (2), questionable military tactics (4), gold-digging (-3), and his cold austerity (-3), though he would have gained points for keeping his hair (3).
3. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, 1864
Lincoln benefited from political divisions and his strong wartime leadership. Also, the South couldn’t vote. Nonetheless, it pays to remember that Honest Abe wasn’t just a great man—he was a terrific politician.
Suits vs. Boots: 5. Abe Lincoln revivified log cabin imagery, spoke often of his wilderness upbringing, and became known far and wide as “the Rail Splitter.” He was folksy, witty, and wise. In short, Abe was a paramount boots candidate.
Height: 5. Lincoln stood a full six-feet-four-inches. Lincoln’s impressive height had been perhaps his most recognizable feature since 1858, when Lincoln debated “Little Giant” Stephen Douglas, who stood a mere five-feet-four-inches. Next Lincoln faced “Little Napoleon,” General George McClellan, five-feet-eight-inches. No contest.
Hair: 5. Lincoln’s beard was already iconic. When Lincoln grew out his beard to please an eleven-year-old girl, he created a political image that shaped the next fifty years of presidential facial hair. Lincoln’s beard helped round out his gaunt, rather ugly face, giving him an appearance of melancholy wisdom. McClellan’s handlebar mustache was stylish, but it contributed to his image as a dandy.
Beer Buddy: 5. Lincoln’s modern image overshadows the fact that he had an arch wit, a folksy sense of humor, and a gentle disposition. Lincoln’s storytelling prowess was legendary. Plus, he had once been a bartender.
Military: 3. Lincoln had very little military experience, but his Civil War leadership paid electoral dividends, particularly after major battle victories by Generals Sherman and Grant in the lead-up to the 1864 election. It didn’t hurt that Lincoln had already repudiated McClellan’s military leadership by firing him in 1863.
FINAL SCORE: 92%
Lincoln’s age made little difference in the 1864 election; fortunately for him, neither did his wife’s nuttiness and Confederate relatives.
ADJUSTED SCORE: 25%
Lincoln’s beard worked for three reasons: beards were popular, Lincoln was ugly, and Lincoln’s beard had already been emblazoned in the public mind. If Lincoln ran today, none of those factors would apply. His beard would seem like a shoddy cover-up for his unappealing mug. Being a practical politician, Lincoln would remain clean-shaven—and a clean-shaven Lincoln was not a pretty sight (-2). Lincoln’s height would have helped less than it did in 1864; he was gawky and awkward looking, particularly since his size contrasted sharply with his high-pitched voice (2). Mary Todd would have hurt Lincoln’s candidacy—her mental problems and three Confederate brothers would have damaged the president (-4).
4. TEDDY ROOSEVELT, 1904
War hero.Trust-buster. Big-game hunter. Politician extraordinaire. The candidate with the infectious grin and heavy mustache was one of the most popular presidents in American history. After all, who could dislike the man who inspired the teddy bear?
Suits vs. Boots: 5. “Now look!” Senator Mark Hanna of Ohio exclaimed upon hearing of TR’s election. “That damned cowboy is President of the United States.”4 Heavily image conscious, Teddy hunted regularly, rode horses—and made sure never to get caught by the press while playing golf. His early cowboy days in the Dakota territories left an indelible mark on TR, who later claimed, “I never would have been president if it had not been for my experiences in North Dakota.”
Age Score: 4. At forty-six, TR was young and vital. He was also experienced—he was the incumbent president of the United States.
Beer Buddy: 4. Though TR was reputedly arrogant, he was also “more fun than a goat,” according to Secretary of State John Hay.5 We’ll take Hay’s word for it.
Military: 4. TR wasn’t a general, but he was a self-promoting Spanish-American War hero. That was good enough for his supporters, who championed his stint in Cuba as a Rough Rider.
FINAL SCORE: 85%
Teddy’s hair wasn’t an issue, since his opponent also sported a mustache. His wife, too, remained out of the spotlight.
ADJUSTED SCORE: 60%
TR was a master of publicity. He was also a handsome fellow, if somewhat on the short side at five-feet-eight-inches (-1). His wife was cultured and, by all accounts, delightful (2). His mustache might have to go, but his thick thatch of brown hair would accentuate his youth (3). All in all, TR’s maverick image remains as vibrant today as it did in 1904.
5. ULYSSES S. GRANT, 1868 AND 1872
General Grant followed in the political footsteps of Abraham Lincoln and the military footsteps of George Washington and Andrew Jackson. Chosen to carry the Republican banner after Lincoln’s death, Grant became as successful on the political battlefield as he was on the actual battlefield. He ran roughshod over his opponents, Horatio Seymour and Horace Greeley.
Suits vs. Boots: 5. Though Grant was unsuccessful at every nonmilitary career he tried, his supporters harped on his pre-Civil War tenure as a tanner. A lifelong horseman and farmer, Grant’s boots credentials were well earned.
Hair: 3. Grant likely didn’t mean to make his beard the focus of caricaturists. Nonetheless, his close-shorn beard and hardy looks closely paralleled Lincoln’s, emphasizing the fact that Grant would fill Lincoln’s shoes.
Beer Buddy: 3. Grant was often solemn, but he also struck those around him as honest and friendly. “I found
this great man affable and just in his remarks, courteous in his demeanor, and the mode in which he shakes hands told me at once of his sincerity and honesty,” wrote a European visitor.6 His opponents called him a drunk, but the charges did not stick.
Military: 5. The victor of Shiloh and Vicksburg, the former general in chief of all the armies of the Union, the recipient of General Robert E. Lee’s surrender, Grant could safely rest on his substantial military accomplishments.
FINAL SCORE: 80%
Grant’s age, height, and wife played no role in the two campaigns.
ADJUSTED SCORE: 50%
Grant’s facial hair would not be an asset today; it was an asset at the time because beards were popular, and because Grant effectually succeeded the bearded Lincoln as the standard-bearer for the Union cause (2). Grant’s military accomplishments are awe-inspiring, but he would surely be criticized for his heavy expenditure of Union troops (4). His height, five-feet-eight-inches, would be a detriment rather than an asset (-1). His wife would provide slight benefit (2). Without hard evidence of drunkenness, Grant’s alleged alcoholism would likely meet with the same criticism and defense it did in 1868.
6. ANDREW JACKSON, 1828
Old Hickory whupped the tar out of John Quincy Adams. He was a rough, tough, mean son-of-a-gun. He was also an enormously effective image politician.
Suits vs. Boots: 5. Jackson, said paradigmatic suit John Quincy Adams, was “a barbarian who could not write a sentence of grammar and hardly could spell his own name.”7 In 1806, lawyer Charles Dickinson impugned Rachel Jackson’s honor. Jackson challenged Dickinson to a duel. Dickinson fired first; the bullet struck Jackson directly in the chest. Jackson didn’t move an inch. He stood, “his feet sloshing in blood that had drained from his chest,” and then coldly shot Dickinson through the abdomen. Dickinson died. Jackson carried Dickinson’s bullet in his chest all the way to the grave.8 It doesn’t get more boots than that.
