And why would you call your wiener a wiener, when there were sausage wieners?
I just had so many questions for the world, some I could probably find the answers to on the internet, but I kinda preferred my own answers a majority of the time. A couple of weeks ago, I’d Googled why the UK drove on the left and pretty much everyone else drove on the right after I’d read an email from Layla describing her family’s issues with the change while they were there. I’d expected some hugely exciting reason and was left disappointed. If I’d have made up my own explanation for it, it would have been so much more interesting than the reasons given on the internet.
“That’s because you want a boy and can’t accept that your kid still has a vagina,” I heard Maya snap at Ren as I focused back on the conversation going on around me. Now this sounded interesting.
“Damn fucking right, I want a boy,” the big good-looking guy holding the world’s most beautiful little girl like she was glass replied. All of the siblings looked a lot alike, the only major differences appeared to be slight variations in the shades of their hair, and Tom’s eyes. His were a dark turquoise color, yet another Tomaly or Tom anomaly. I actually had a Sharpie that was the same color, and I was still in denial that it was my go to color for writing reminders to myself now - and that I’d bought another five of them from Amazon just in case one ran out.
Confused why he would want a son and sound so disappointed when he had a healthy, beautiful daughter, I asked, “But why? She’s so gorgeous and the picture of perfection.”
Like she understood how true it was, she turned her beautiful blue eyes on me and gave me a grin, revealing two tiny little stubs of teeth in her lower gums. Kids scared me, I was an only child and hadn’t really been around any growing up, but I’d done some babysitting in high school and the kids had been little shits. To this day, I swear that it had given me some sort of child-PTSD. Added onto that, I had an overactive imagination, so I couldn’t watch horror movies because they stayed with me and I started to imagine things around me. Unfortunately, I’d watched The Shining and The Omen and one of the kids that I had babysat was named Damien. Evil little bastard that he was. That led to a lot of nervousness and wariness when it came to the smaller human species. If I ever became a mother, I was fucked because knowing my luck, it would come out with 666 on it somewhere. This little girl though, she melted my heart.
Leaning forward to get his beer, Ren took a gulp and swallowed it before taking another one like he needed it for strength for what he was about to say.
“My daughter is the most precious thing in the world to me, along with my wife. I look at Maya,” he gestured with his bottle toward her, “and the realization that my daughter is gonna look like her is a kick to the junk.” He took another huge gulp from the bottle. “I wanted a son because with a boy, you only have to worry about one di…” he stopped and looked down at Crystal who was watching him and taking in every word. “Baby maker.”
“And with a daughter, you have to worry about every ‘baby maker’,” Layla grinned as Ren glared at her. “Better start stocking up on ammo, man. She is gonna be a beauty and you are so scuh-rewwwed,” she sang making the baby in question giggle. Yup, he really was screwed.
“So, do you want kids?” Maya changed the subject, more than likely to calm her fuming husband down. I thought she was talking to Layla or anyone but me, so I turned to face her and waited.
Then I realized the question had actually been aimed at me, and that all eyes were now glued to me as they waited for a response.
Jumping up from the table, I yelled, “Bladder!” And without another word, I ran to the safety of Layla’s house. I didn’t care if Dante tried to kill me or I was accosted by a perverted wiener gobbling turkey - I would gladly take that over the conversation back there.
I thought I’d made it to safety when I saw the door to Layla’s downstairs bathroom, until an arm banded around my waist and pulled me to a stop making a cross between a huff of breath and a scream come out of me.
“I’ve tried to do this slowly,” Tom drawled into my ear. “I’ve tried, I really have, but now I’m done.”
Before I could ask what he was talking about because he reminded me of a slasher movie I’d seen when I was a teenager - and this is why we don’t watch that shit – he spun me around and gently moved me so that I had my back against the wall. All I could see was his, admittedly gorgeous, face coming toward me, and then his mouth was on mine.
He was surprisingly gentle as he moved his hands into my hair and kissed me, his tongue gently rubbing along my own and flicking periodically. I totally forgot my hourly arguments with myself that I wasn’t going to get involved with him and pressed harder against him, tilting my head slightly so that he could deepen the kiss. Who needed oxygen? Not me, no siree. I’d happily forego ever breathing again if I could do this for the rest of my life.
However, the Townsends are assholes - this declaration had come from each of them and was usually added into them introducing themselves to you. “Hi, my name is blah blah. By the way, heads up, the Townsends are assholes”. And this was proven right at that moment when a voice started to sing right beside our heads.
“Tom and Sonya, sitting in a tree, k-i-s…uhhh…s-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby…Oh holy shitting fuck,” it ended on a bellow, leaving me with a ringing in my ear. Pulling out of Tom’s reach, I saw that he was twisting the nipple of his grandfather. The only way to describe the hold he had on the thing was savage.
“Run old man, before I tell Grams what really happened to her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.”
His reaction would have been almost comical if I wasn’t wishing that I was anywhere but where I was at that moment. I was also somewhat curious now to what had happened to her book and why he was so scared to tell her though.
It didn’t win over my embarrassment and the panicked urge to run for the first time in my life, however. Using their distraction to my advantage, I decided to fuck my bladder - figuratively not literally because I’m pretty certain that it would be physically impossible to do that - and ran back outside.
Just as I sat back down in my original seat Maya, obviously not one to be deterred, started right back up on the conversation that had caused me to bolt into the house in the first place.
“So, kids?” She asked loudly, and all eyes were back on me. I could do this, I could brave the inquisition - I told myself. “Hey, are you okay? You look kinda flushed, especially around your chin. I get like that when Ren hasn’t shaved in a while and he kisses the bejesus out of me.”
Tom squeezed in beside me at the table and took a good mouthful of food, just listening into what was going on around him. It was something that had taken me by surprise because he always tended to be the one talking, but he did have a lot of periods where he wouldn’t and it was like he was analyzing what was being said.
That was until Layla’s security guy, dressed in jeans instead of a suit, sat down with us and started talking. After that, it all went to shit.
Tom
“So, you recovered yet, man?” Todd asked Cole and Ren with one of his little bitch grins on his face. I actually liked the guy, he was wicked and that was something that I appreciated. If it wasn’t pranks, it was his wit.
“Fuck off,” Cole snapped as Ren glared over at him.
“I feel like I’m missing something here,” Maya drawled as she took Crystal out of Ren’s arms like she knew something was going to happen. I guess after being part of our family for any length of time, you just developed a sort of radar for it.
“It’s nothing, baby,” Ren reassured her, but his smile seemed brittle.
“Absolutely,” Todd agreed, taking a bite of his steak and chewing it with a grin. “Hey, any of you ladies ever watch Steel Magnolias?” He asked the table, looking at the women who were looking at him like he had two heads.
“I think almost every woman in the world has watched that,” Sonya answe
red. “It’s like a rite of passage once you hit puberty.”
Nodding, Todd took a slug of beer. He wasn’t on duty today, and the guy deserved to let his hair down a bit. They worked hard providing security for us all – even I could admit that we weren’t an easy family to babysit and keep safe.
“What about you guys?”
“Fuck you, man,” Ren seethed as he leaned forward in his chair to blast Todd with the full force of his glare. “No one warned us.”
“Yeah,” Cole agreed, nodding his head and slamming his bottle down on the table making Crystal giggle. “It should have a warning on it.”
Then the ball dropped - or maybe not in their case if what I was starting to think had happened, had in fact actually happened.
“Can someone just tell me what the hell happened?” Ebru snapped, the hand that wasn’t holding Louis flying up into the air with exasperation.
“Nothing really,” Todd shrugged.
Tony had been very quiet during all of this, but he burst out laughing and shoved his fist in his mouth, biting down hard on it. Like that would stop him!
“Tony,” Maya pressed. He’d been her best friend for years before he became part of our family when he moved here to work for her. He was literally another brother to me now.
A thunk drew our attention to Cole who had his forehead on the table, his head moving slightly back and forth on the hard wood.
“Tony,” Maya growled again. This time, he removed his fist so that he could get some air in his lungs because he’d been laughing that hard around it. How the hell does anyone laugh with their fist wedged in their maw?
Todd sat back with a shit eating grin on his face and let it all out seeing as how Tony was still gasping.
“I had to drop off some shit to Cole today,” he watched as Cole started to bang his head instead of just rubbing it. Dude was gonna end up with some wicked splinters if he didn’t quit. “When I walked in, these guys were watching the movie.” He gestured to my brothers and Tony.
Unable to hold back, Tony jumped in. “They hadn’t seen it and said only a pussy would cry when Shelby died and M’Lynn had her breakdown at the funeral.” Admittedly, that scene had made me sob like a baby, but I couldn’t imagine Cole or Ren doing that. “We got as far as them switching the life support off,” he gulped as he shoulders shook harder. I wasn’t sure if he was laughing or crying at the scene. I got my answer immediately. “And all of a sudden, this wail comes out of this one,” Tony pointed at Ren, “and that one starts bawling his heart out.” This last bit was aimed at Cole.
Everyone was staring at my brothers in shock. Cole – maybe. Ren? Fuck no!
“When I came in,” Todd added, laughing his ass off, “they were begging Tony to ‘turn the bad movie off’.”
The last bit snapped us all out of our shock as we burst out laughing at the mental image. As impossible as it was to imagine, it was fucking hilarious - I really wish I’d seen it. It was made better by Tony acting it out with hysterical wails.
“Fuck. You!” Ren spat. “Have you seen that shit? Have you? The chick’s mom goes and gets this little kid who had been sitting dressed up for Halloween next to his unconscious mother.” He took a big gulp and I swear to Christ I thought he was gonna start crying again.
“It’s a bad movie,” Cole whimpered. “A really bad, bad movie. There’s no coming back from it. You’ll carry the pain for the rest of your life. That poor little kid…and then the mom…”
Todd started to lift up plates and bottles, making a show of looking under them for something. Then he picked up a packet of M&M’s that were near him, opened it and took two out in the palm of his hand.
“Ah, here you go, man,” he offered the two chocolate spheres to Cole. “I found your balls.”
“Hey, fuck you! He’s three times the man your date in Vegas turned out to be,” I snapped, immediately jumping to my brother’s defence and not realizing until the vein in his forehead started to bulge what exactly I’d said in front of everyone.
Todd had an unfortunate encounter during a recent trip to Vegas to see a friend of my brother’s. He’d picked up the ‘hottest chick I’d ever seen in my life’ he said, taken her back to his hotel room, and had planned on giving her the most epic experience of her life. All of these had been his words verbatim when he’d told me while he was drunk one night. When she’d undressed, she’d reached between her legs and had flipped the tables back on him, making it the most epic experience of his life instead.
To each their own and more power to ya, but a surprise like that could change a man, or a woman depending on how it went down – or up in this case.
Apparently, he’d managed to explain that he hadn’t known and didn’t want to offend her, but he couldn’t go ahead with what they’d been aiming for. She’d taken it well and had left with them on great terms, but he would never forget it.
I chose to think that she’d had a bigger dick than him and he’d gotten stage fright because of it. Regardless though, he hadn’t wanted that dirty little secret to ever be revealed to my family. We tended to hold onto shit like that and never let people forget it.
And I’d just let it all out – something which he was really pissed off about and was proven by the clenching of his fists and flaring of his nostrils alone. The look of murder in his eyes just proved that I was about to eat shit.
Slowly standing up like I didn’t have a care in the world, I prepared myself for what was about to happen.
See, I had a very healthy respect for my life, so I did then what any man in my shoes would do.
I threw a handful of mashed potatoes in his face and ran like a little bitch.
Sonya
I’m not sure who would have won the war between Todd and Tom had Cole and Ren not jumped in and dished out justice when Todd yelled, “At least you’d find my balls in my pants!” As soon as he had, they were up and shoving food in his face.
I’d have expected guys like that to use their fists like dick strutting men did, but apparently this war was fought by a different cock – chicken. And all of the fixings that came with it.
There were green beans being shoved up noses, fistfuls of mashed potatoes in the mouth, gravy…it was one big mess. The kids loved it though and were clapping their hands and chortling out their support to their daddies.
The bizarre ending was when Cole rubbed a mixture of baked beans and mashed potatoes into Todd’s hair and he’d yelled that Cole had gone too far as he’d snorted the green beans out of his nose. It was disgusting yet amusing and an eye opener. It was also a waste of really good chicken and food, but at least they hadn’t used the desserts. They’d been headed for that table, but all of us had crowded in front of it to protect the sweet treasures from battle.
Once they’d torn apart from each other and had left to change, I’d gone to clean up the mess, but the animals had beaten me to it – Dante included. I had to admit, watching a turkey gobble up chicken was kind of sick, but it was the only food item that the bird was interested in. How fucked up was that? Were poultry normally cannibals?
I was just beginning to relax and enjoy my beer when the question was raised again.
“So, do you want kids?” Maya asked, free of her daughter who was now riding on the back of a Dalmatian and squealing.
“Uh, I don’t know?”
All the eyes of the occupants of the table narrowed on me - including the older Townsends - so I sank down in my seat as far as I could.
“How do you not know?” this came from Hurst who was now standing with his hands on his hips.
Shrugging, I turned to Layla, begging her with my eyes to help me. She shook her head doing her best not to grin, and then said to her family, “Well, isn’t that awful. Who doesn’t know if they want kids?”
I was going to kill her. Slowly, very, very slowly. And painfully!
Just then, a bottle of Tequila was passed to me. Following the arm attached to the generous hand with my eyes, I looked up until
I realized that it was Tom passing me the bottle. He also had a big shit eating grin on his face as he used his free hand to loudly scrape the stubble on his jaw making Maya’s eyes widen as she put two and two together as to why my face had been so flushed earlier.
Snatching the bottle, I opened it and took a big gulp. Then, took another, and another…
Chapter Four
Sonya
The sweet sound of birds tweeting a morning song gently woke me out of the sleep coma that I’d been in. Growing up in the city, I was used to waking up to the sounds of traffic and screaming neighbors, so I snuggled down to enjoy it a bit more. Normally, it would annoy me to be woken up at all, but for some reason I was actually feeling in a good mood this morning, if a bit hungover.
There was something about the Townsend’s ranch that made everything different – including mornings. It was gorgeous - sprawling over acres of land and bringing to mind all of the cowboy romances I’d ever read. It would be perfect for some of the shifter ones that I’d read before I came here too - or Gone With The Wind. I just loved being here.
Until Tom, Finding Forever (Providence Book 5) Page 5
