This Is Our Love Song

by Ryan Loveless

  Declan broke into a smile. “Kicks?” he asked.

  Angie held out her elbow. “Come with me, my child. I will show you the world.”

  Regret seeped into my brain. Paeder looked mildly alarmed as he watched his son slip his arm into Angie’s.

  “Wait!” I said.

  They looked at me.

  “I made you tea. Declan, do you take sugar?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, come in the kitchen and get it prepped how you like. It’s already in travel cups for you both.”

  “You’re the best!” Angie bounced into the kitchen, towing Declan with her.

  I turned to Paeder, ready with a defense of my plan to send Declan out with Angie, but he smiled. “She’s something,” he said. “Where’d you find her?”

  “She found me. She’s on work-study at NYU, and I’m the work part of that.”

  He laughed. “She reminds me a little bit of the assistant who used to work at RCA. You remember her? Sally?”

  “Susy,” I said. I smiled too, thinking about her welcoming, quirky nature greeting us on each visit to the record label. “Yeah, I never thought about that, but you’re right. My God, I haven’t thought about her in years.”

  We grinned at each other. The shared moment gave me hope that we might not hate each other on the other side of the conversation we were about to have. Angie and Declan crashed back into the hall, beverages in hand. They yelled goodbyes and disappeared through the front door. When Paeder looked at me again, the humor in his eyes was gone as well. “So. Is this the part where you tell me how to raise my son?”

  “Is this the part where you tell me to go fuck myself?”

  Paeder shrugged.

  “Let’s at least do this over tea like we’re civilized,” I said.

  “After you.”

  In the kitchen, Paeder sat at the table like he owned it. He huffed in sour amusement when I reorganized the condiments that Declan and Angie had scattered. Then he picked up the honey and sent an avalanche into his mug. I stifled my shock. While he was quiet, it was easy to imagine our last day together. It had started like this. Him stirring in honey and then casually saying that he’d proposed to his girlfriend, who I didn’t know he’d been dating. He’d been stunned when I hadn’t reacted in a positive way. When he gave me the ultimatum about seeing Declan again, I saw his surprise when I didn’t take the bait. As much as it had killed me to walk away, it destroyed him that he couldn’t call his own bluff. But Paeder was over that now. He’d probably recovered before I had my suitcase zipped. Because everything Paeder did was right. It was how he got through his issues without any flexibility or second-guessing himself.

  And knowing that had given me the strength to leave.

  He blew on his tea, even though it was lukewarm by now. All the time, he watched me. He wanted me to talk first so he knew how to attack. There was no use my waiting him out. I’d never won that tactic. I decided to rip the bandage off.

  “Declan asked me if I was banned from his life because I’m gay.”

  Paeder’s lips clenched at the corners of his mouth, like they were reacting to a punch. “You know you’re not,” he answered calmly, like he was unaware of his microexpression.

  “Then he told me that he’d come up with this theory because he tried to come out to you and you told him he’d get over it.”

  “He thinks he’s got a crush on a classmate,” Paeder scoffed. “He goes to an all-boys school. What else is he going to get a crush on? It’ll pass. When he gets to university, he’ll meet girls.”

  “In four years?” I asked. “You want to stick with this line of thinking for that long? What if it’s not a phase? What are you doing to him if all he can look back on is you refusing to support him?”

  “It’s better this way,” Paeder snapped. “Maybe if someone had told me to stop when I was his age, I wouldn’t be—” He faltered, but the anger and determination in his expression remained clear.

  “Yeah.” My turn to scoff. “Because ‘stop’ is a surefire way to get a gay kid to stop being gay.”

  “He is not gay.” Paeder half rose from the table. He hovered, leaning forward. I set my jaw and locked eyes with him. “It’s a phase.”

  “What difference does it make if he is?” My voice cracked. I was so angry and sad and almost broken hearing Paeder say this about the boy he loved so much. He’d done things to keep him safe that Declan would never, ever know. “You know his generation is okay with it. He’ll be fine. He’s a good, smart boy. He’ll be safe. He’ll be loved. You know this. You have to. Paeder, my God—he’s not you. He won’t live your life.”

  Paeder made a pained sound that I guessed was supposed to be laughter. “Leave my life out of it. My life is good, thanks.”

  “Right. The part where you’re married to a woman and seeing a guy on the side?” His sharp gaze flashed back to me. “You’re a playground merry-go-round, Paeder. The people might change, but the ride never does. I don’t know how you can live like this. You could have come out when I did. We could have handled it together.”

  “Would have been worse for me.” His calm, even speech juxtaposed my rapid, desperate delivery.

  “I doubt—”

  “Everyone thought you were gay anyway, Keelin. Cute little guy with a shy smile, that demure look you used to every advantage—you practically had it tattooed on your forehead.”

  “It?” I echoed, wanting and not wanting to hear his answer, because deep and low in my gut I was ready to seethe, ready to pick up my mug and throw it at his head if he said the word I had seared in hate over my brain.

  “It would have been harder for me,” he repeated, quieter and not rising to my rage. “I was the lead singer. There were different expectations on me. Plus you had your family’s support. If I’d come out, I’d have been lucky if mine turned their backs, because they probably would have killed me.”

  My anger ebbed away. I knew his family well enough to accept he wasn’t exaggerating by much. He might have even been right.

  “Do you think they’d hurt Declan?”

  “I’m not going to find out.”

  “Paeder, you think you’re protecting him, but you’re not. Look at how angry you are. This is because of how you live. You spend your entire life in denial—”

  “I don’t think I’ve denied myself anything.”

  “A happy, committed relationship with someone you’re actually in love with?” I asked.

  His expression turned into a grimace. “What, like you?”

  “Twenty years ago, sure. Hell, ten years ago even. Not now. If you even were in love with me.”

  He smiled without mirth. “I thought I’d die without you, but I didn’t. So maybe it wasn’t love.”

  “Maybe it wasn’t.” I didn’t want to feed into him by admitting I’d felt the same. Those feelings didn’t help us, and I hadn’t spent the last many years getting over him—sometimes while we were still dating—only to crumble for no purpose now.

  I sighed. “Who’s the new guy? I hope you’re not letting him get attached.”

  “Our arrangement is clear. Strictly no strings. Not like with you.”

  I couldn’t even applaud him for being up-front for once. Refocusing on why we were there, I said, “I want to be in Declan’s life. He could reach out to me anyway without your knowing, but I’d rather have your permission. Whether he’s gay or not, I want him to have someone to talk to.”

  “He can talk to me.”

  “You think he’s going to do that if you keep telling him not to trust his own feelings?”

  He paused, as if he hadn’t considered that he might lose Declan over this.

  “Just let me tell him he can reach out to me. I won’t say anything about us. He’ll never know that we—”

  Paeder’s expression, which had started opening, closed. I’d lost him. What was it like to be so deeply closeted that you would harm your child to keep it secret?

  “Paeder, please,”
I begged, hearing the break in my voice. “You know what’s right.”

  “I have to keep him safe.”

  “Then let me in.”

  Finally, finally, he nodded.

  “Thank you.”

  “I don’t want him to be gay,” he said quietly. “I recognize that at the end of the day I don’t get a choice, but I’m praying he’s not.”

  “Your opinion is yours, but from here on out, you keep it to yourself. You tell him you love him no matter what—”

  “I do,” he said firmly.

  “And that he can talk to his Uncle Keelin about all the stuff that makes you itchy.”

  He nodded. “Do you think that will work? Since he tried to come out to me, he’s been pulling away, and I—I don’t know how to get him back. Will this work?” He looked at me in desperation.

  “I think it’s better than what you’re currently doing.”

  “Okay. I, uh, I guess let’s get him back here so we can tell him.”

  I nodded. The conversation had winded me. Paeder looked like he’d gone a few rounds too. Our stamina for verbal sparring wasn’t what it used to be. Maybe the fact we were fighting on behalf of someone, not just ourselves, helped too. We both wanted what was best for Declan, and even though Paeder tried to make that be something else, deep down he knew the right path.

  After sending a text, Paeder took his cold tea out of the room. I stayed put, taking my own recovery in private.

  When the doorbell rang, I almost yelled for Angie to get it before remembering she was supposedly on her way back. I only remembered I had a lesson with Malik and Jordana when I opened the door and saw them. Well, not today.

  Or so I thought. Turned out Jordana could be as convincing in ensuring she kept to her lesson schedule as I could be in insisting to others that she had every right to give singing her wedding song a chance. Once Paeder came into the foyer to see what the interruption was about, the choice was gone. However, seeing Jordana’s delighted and stunned reaction to Paeder’s appearance almost made up for the fact we’d have to put off talking to Declan until later.

  Paeder still looked like he was processing our conversation, as was I, but it was his idea that we split the lesson and thus get back on track faster.

  “We saw Travis this morning. I knew you guys would hit it off,” Jordana said. Paeder gave me a curious look, so I slipped my arm through Jordana’s and ushered her into my studio.

  “Like a house on fire,” I said after I’d closed the door. “But I had some stuff come up I wasn’t expecting today. That’s why this lesson will be a little quick, but don’t worry. You’ll get all your time.”

  “It’s technically your time, since this lesson is your gift. Is there anything we can help you with?” she asked. “No offense, Keelin, but you look frazzled.”

  “Long morning. That’s all. After me, please.” I launched into a palate-strengthening exercise before she could ask any more questions. Once the lesson started, she was all focus on that. I tried not to rush, even after I heard Declan and Angie come back.

  We ended at the same time as Paeder and Malik. When I’d closed the door on him and Jordana, Paeder asked, “Is there anything else you should cancel for the day?”

  “I was invited out to visit a teen center in a Brooklyn library this afternoon. If you’re busy, maybe I could take Declan?”

  “Let’s see how the conversation goes, but I’d say it’s likely.”

  “Good.” I stared at him, certain he was going to ask about Travis. He looked at me without interest. I wanted him to ask, though. “So, you’re probably wondering what Jordana meant earlier—”

  “Nope. Declan!” He started for the kitchen. It had evidently become the place for hashing out family issues. Declan came down the stairs. I gave him an encouraging smile. He returned an uncertain one.

  In the kitchen, Paeder grabbed and hugged him. “I love you, Dec. So here’s how it’s gonna be. I’m going to support you no matter what, but there are some things I can’t help you with. Keelin has offered to help with those things. Anytime you want to talk to him, you reach out. But no more running away, got it? Because I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you.”

  “Dad, I can’t breathe.”

  Paeder eased up on the embrace. “Sorry. But you understand? You can talk to Keelin now. And I love you?”

  “Does this mean you won’t make me transfer schools?”

  “You can stay at your school.”

  Declan grinned. “I love you too, Dad.”

  He smiled at both of us, happy and clueless that the “solution” we’d developed for him was a compromise that didn’t scratch the surface of the issues behind Paeder’s actions. It might serve as a bandage to keep Declan together, but beneath that there was a twenty-year wound that needed more than stitches to keep us all from falling apart if he ever scratched down deep enough in his father’s history to find it.

  I forced myself to stop. This plan was okay. It would work. For now. For now, for now, for now.

  I thought about Travis’s text asking if everything was okay. I knew how to answer it now, but “for now” was not a text I wanted to send, because by its very definition, it could change in a heartbeat. I thought about Travis’s arms and his warm, safe body and leaving him last night, not knowing what I was coming home to.

  I wanted to go back there now, curl up with him and his gorgeous smile. I caught Declan looking at me and smiled for him.

  “Hey, where’s my hug?” I asked.

  He trotted over, skinny arms out. “Thank you,” he whispered.

  “Any time you need me,” I said.

  Chapter Seven

  DECLAN AND I stood in front of an elevator inside Travis’s library. Lettering above it announced TEENS in all caps. To the right, a sign declared:

  TEENS ONLY

  NO LIBRARY CARD—

  NO ENTRY.

  “That doesn’t sound ominous at all,” Declan muttered. He fidgeted behind me. When Paeder and I had presented him with the idea of joining me on this excursion, he’d seemed more eager to spend another day alone at the hotel. His reluctance motivated Paeder to decide for him that he would come. On the drive over, I’d confided that I was dating the person who had invited us. His interest perked up somewhat at this but had ebbed the closer we got to our destination.

  “Don’t be nervous,” I said. “I’m not abandoning you.”

  He sniffed. “Bet you’ve said that before.”

  I turned away from the elevator to give him my full attention. “Declan, if you want to go somewhere else and talk, we can. We don’t have to stay here.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Of course.”

  He straightened his shoulders. “It’s all right. We can stay.”

  I pushed the elevator button. Nothing happened. I pushed it again. It still didn’t light up. Then I noticed there was a black swipe pad next to it. “Hold on.” I walked over to the circulation desk, where there was already an employee watching me. “Hi, I’m a friend of Travis’s. He invited me to visit him at the teen center today.”

  “He has to take you down. Hold on.” She picked up the phone and paged him over the intercom. “You can wait by the elevator.”

  “Thank you.” I walked back to Declan.

  As we waited, the elevator opened and a gaggle of teens piled out. They plowed right into us and kept walking until Travis’s voice said, “Is that how we get off elevators?” Even with his height, I hadn’t seen him at the back of the group.

  “Sorry,” the boys mumbled, mostly at him as they continued to ignore Declan and me in their rush. I thought they must be eager to get somewhere, but they only walked to the library’s entrance and congregated there until the woman at the circulation desk told them to quit loitering.

  “So,” Travis said with a big grin, “welcome to the teen center!”

  I didn’t know if hugging would be appropriate, so I shook his hand. He slid out of my grip, and I awkwa
rdly followed as he led me through a more complex handshake involving fist bumping and finger wiggling. He offered a fist to Declan, and Declan smoothly went through the handshake I’d fumbled. “This is Declan. He’s my… nephew. I hope it’s all right I brought him? I know you said to, but….”

  Travis raised an eyebrow. “Keelin, it’s a teen center. Of course it’s okay that you brought a teen.” He swiped his ID card over the pad next to the elevator and the doors opened again. “I can’t wait for you guys to see it. Let’s go!”

  Declan cast me an uncertain but happy smile, which I absorbed with relief. He liked Travis. So far, so good. “Hey, man,” Travis said after we’d stepped onto the elevator, “there’s no eating or drinking in the library, so why don’t you let your uncle hold on to your cup so the other teens don’t give you a rough time?”

  After looking down at his fast-food cup, Declan eyed me. “Don’t drink it.”

  “Or you could finish it in the next twenty seconds,” Travis said. Declan accepted the challenge. When we got off the elevator, he dropped the empty cup into the trash. The doors had opened onto a spartan white room. At its opposite end, there was another room with gray carpeting, track lighting, and a sign that announced Meredith and Patrick Berry Center for Teens. After we crossed the entrance, we saw rows of computers, several tables, and a pair of sectional couches arranged in conversational nooks. Every seat had a teen in it. Hip-hop music blasted from another large room, where a pull-down screen showed a YouTube video playing. We walked past a row of windows looking into the room. A group of teen girls danced in front of the screen.

  “Just a sec,” Travis said. He backtracked and stuck his head through the doorway. “Nia! What did I tell you about twerking? And Sheppard, change the song. I don’t want to hear that language down here.”

  “What language? What’s he saying?” The girl Travis had scolded sauntered up to him.

  Travis cocked his head in a perfect copy of her posture. “Nia. The language I’m referring to are the words he’s using that describe our GLBT friends.”