by M. D. Archer
“Cool trick,” Ruby says.
Nikolai and Ruby each take one of the remaining empty rooms and settle in while Dana, Vincent, and I marinate the meat, chop potatoes, and prepare salads. When Dana starts, literally, wrestling Vincent for grilling rights, I leave. Ruby has gone for a run, but Nikolai is outside soaking up the view. As I stare at his back, I’m reminded of the night we found that body. A surge of sadness is followed by anger.
Nikolai turns to me like I’ve called his name.
“What’s wrong?” He covers the distance between us in a few quick steps and takes my shoulders in both hands. My stomach flips; I can’t help it.
“I just…” I take a step back and shake my head. “That girl we found? I can’t stop thinking about it,” I admit.
He nods. “It’s bothering me too.”
“Have you heard anything?” Tucked away here with an awful internet connection, I haven’t had access to the news.
“No, there wasn’t anything this morning.”
I get the impression he reads the actual paper, like my parents do, sitting at a table with a mug of coffee. I’m pretty sure Nikolai is only a few years older than me, but he seems so much more grown up in some ways.
“Tamzin… how are you doing after that Rogue attack?”
“Um, fine. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real. But, yeah, I’m okay.”
“Good. Dana is more than capable of looking after herself, but with you dealing with your first full moon at the same time...” He shakes his head. “It could have gone a lot worse.” The muscle in his jaw works as he grits his teeth.
“Yeah, but it was fine.”
“Do you have any questions you want to ask me, about the Consillium? You haven’t made a decision about the ceremony yet, have you?”
“Um… I guess not, not definitely.”
Do I have any questions? Is there anything that Nikolai could tell me that would make it less overwhelming?
“Being Consillium Principali will be your job, right?” I say. Nikolai nods. “So what do other Lucans do? Just hold down normal jobs? Act like normal people?”
Nikolai chuckles. “Why wouldn’t they?”
“I don’t know. It seems weird, and what about the lack of aging thing? If you looked super young for ages, wouldn’t they be like, suspicious of that?”
“If necessary, we can create new documents for you, to fudge your age.”
“But don’t people notice?”
“People change jobs a lot. It’s not normal to stay in the same job for years and years anyway.”
“You’ve always had your future locked in, right? You’ve always been sure about what you want to do?”
“I’m lucky, I know, but you are studying, aren’t you? Anatomy?”
“It’s not going so well. I don’t think college is for me.”
“So do something else. Be a cop. Be an athlete. Be a movie star.”
He makes it sound so easy. Just do something else. This solution doesn’t take into account Mom and Dad’s opinions on the subject, but for now, it’s reassuring.
“Tamzin.” Nikolai gives me a half smile. “You’ll work it out. There’s time. Just deal with being Lucan first. Let all this… settle down, and then you can worry about your career. And if you choose to join the Consillium, which I hope you do, there will be a network of Lucans in all sorts of professions to help you.”
“Thanks,” I say, resisting the urge to hug him.
Yeah, I just need a bit of time. I’ll work it out.
Later, we sit around the campfire letting our dinner digest so there is room for dessert. The flames flicker, crackle and hiss, hypnotizing me with their warm orange glow. A feeling of serenity washes over me. I feel so at one with the world right now. A couple of weeks ago, I was just an ordinary person. Now, I have Become. I am Lucan. Even though this means I don’t quite belong to the human race anymore, I don’t feel alienated. I’m part of an elite club. I’m strong, I have telepathic skills, and I’m hard to kill. So I’m not totally human. So what? It doesn’t sound so bad at all.
I look over at Nikolai, the light from the fire caressing the strong features of his face, and my stomach clenches. Sensing my attention, he returns my gaze.
“How’s it going?”
“Pretty awesome.”
He nods in agreement. “Have you made a decision?”
I look at the faces around the camp fire, my new friends, my new family. Cemented in only one evening, in an instant. Yeah, the rules are kind of intense, but so what? This is so cool. I have never felt more connected to a group of people before. And the Consillium will have my back in any situation. All I have to do is not harm others and not risk exposure. Piece of cake. I smile.
“Let’s do it, you guys,” I say, standing up. “Let’s do the ceremony. I want to be part of the Consillium community.”
Chapter 13
My stomach is a block of cement.
We only just got back, but I need to get this over with. Chris is home. I can hear him rustling through papers in his living room, but it takes a few minutes before I can muster the courage to knock on the door.
“Do I know you? You look kind of familiar.” Chris turns away from the open door and goes back to his desk, and even though he’s giving me back-off vibes and I came here to break up with him, I follow him and press up against his back, intoxicated by his scent and how good it feels to have his body against mine.
“Tam, quit it.” He pulls away. “You can’t blow me off and then show up here out of the blue and expect…” He stops talking and frowns. “I mean, you can do that… you can totally do that.” He meets my eyes. “But what about all the other stuff?”
“Other stuff?”
“Hanging out… talking… you know? Being my girlfriend? I never see you anymore.” He looks down. He is self-conscious and uncertain, and it’s breaking my heart.
“I know, and I’m sorry, but I can’t…. Chris, I just can’t give you more than that right now.” I try to meet his eyes, but he won’t look at me. “Isn’t that what guys want, anyway, really? No hassles?”
He looks up abruptly. “Come on, Tam, that isn’t fair. I’m not that guy and you know it. I don’t deserve that.”
He’s right. He doesn’t deserve that, and he doesn’t deserve to be an afterthought.
“I know. I just don’t think I can give you what you want anymore.”
“But I don’t get it. What has changed? What has changed in such a short time?” He sits down on the edge of the couch, already looking defeated.
“But it hasn’t, and you know it,” I say softly, sitting next to him. “We’ve been drifting apart for the last year. We only worked in high school, Chris, and you know it.”
He shakes his head.
“Come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We’re like, on different paths now.”
“But we don’t have to be. You just need to sort your shit out and focus.”
A wave of irritation swells but then subsides. If I could tell him what was going on, would that make this any easier? And how much does being Lucan have to do with this anyway? In my silence, he looks up, intensity flaring in his eyes.
“It’s not someone else?”
“No!” I say quickly, but even as I do, an image of Nikolai flashes into my head. I push it away. That is not what is happening here.
He blows out an exasperated sigh.
“Chris, I’m sorry. I… it’s just not right anymore.”
“What is going on with you? Are you sick or something?”
“Sick?”
Chris stands up, takes my hand, and pulls me into a hug. I relax into him, meld my body to his.
“I can feel how much weight you’ve lost,” he says, and I pull away, tugging at my baggy shirt. “That shirt isn’t fooling anyone.” He looks so worried, another little piece of my heart breaks off.
“Yes, I’ve lost weight, but I’m fine, Chris. My health is all good. G
reat, even.”
“Then what?”
It would be so good to tell him. To share this with him like I’ve shared almost everything in my life for the past five years, but I can’t. So I don’t say anything. I just shake my head.
“What happened? It feels like something happened, and then everything changed.”
What do I say?
“I just… college isn’t right for me. And you can’t pretend we aren’t heading in different directions.”
“So what? You just need to pick something you find even a little bit interesting and just go with it. Keep at it.”
“Do you know how much you sound like my parents right now?”
“Maybe we’re all saying the same thing because it’s the right thing to do.”
“You just don’t get it.”
“What! What don’t I get?”
“College life. A professional career. It’s not for me.”
“Okay, but what is?”
I wish I knew. But even if I did, it wouldn’t change what is happening right now.
“Chris, you just… don’t get it. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“What, so that’s it? The end?” He lets go of my hand. “We aren’t going to see each other anymore?”
There goes another piece of my heart.
“Five years, and we are done?”
I don’t need to respond. He isn’t actually asking.
“I’m sorry,” I say, reaching out to him, but he pushes me away and stalks to his room.
“Fine. See you around, I guess,” he says, slamming the door.
With a numb detachment, I pull the key to his apartment off my keyring and leave it on the kitchen counter. As I pull the door shut behind me, a combination of sadness and relief washes over me. I can’t stand the thought that he’s hurting because of me. But even so, there is no internal conflict, no uncertainty, no emotions boiling over, and no sense of regret or remorse.
“Take care of yourself, Chris,” I say to his closed door.
ON THE WAY home, I stop at the convenience store to get a tub of ice cream, a supersized packet of chips, and a loaf of bread—the ingredients I need for a breakup.
“Is that all?” the shopkeeper rings up my items with a knowing smile.
“Uh.” I cast my eyes over the shelves of junk food, basic groceries, and miscellany surrounding the counter until my eyes land on the front page of today’s paper and I freeze.
They identified Carly King.
Twenty years old, studying toward a conjoint business and law degree, and murdered in cold blood. Snatched, killed, and dumped on Lakeshore Drive.
It was her. The body we found was her.
The police are asking again for people to come forward with information about the night she disappeared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any information, not really. The memory was so hazy to start with, but I can’t pretend I wasn’t at Spider and that we didn’t find her body.
What are the odds?
Chapter 14
“Hey, I’ll get us some drinks,” Ruby says.
I lean in—out of habit, I can hear her perfectly over the music—and nod. We’re at a club downtown and it’s early, but the vibe is already primal. I lean against the wall, feeling restless, the pull from all these bodies tugging at me. Even with the breakup and the shock of Carly King, it feels good to be out right now. I need this, but I still feel raw.
“And Nikolai is here somewhere,” Ruby says without turning back, already on her way to the bar. This will be the first time I’ve seen Nikolai since I joined the Consillium community. I’m weirdly nervous and I need to pee. After I check Ruby’s progress, I push my way through the teeming throng toward the washrooms. There, at the foot of the stairs to the next level, I see Nikolai and Kirsten huddled together in intense conversation. I duck behind a group of tall-enough guys so that I can remain unseen while I work out what they’re talking about.
“Hey, what’s up?” One of the guys mistakes my hovering as interest.
I shake my head and crane my neck so I can see Nikolai better.
“It’s for work,” Nikolai says.
“You always say that, but…” Kirsten’s voice has taken on a whiny quality that makes me smile. “You’re never around anymore, Nikolai. What’s going on?” This conversation is eerily reminiscent of the one I recently had with Chris. A pang of sadness prods me, reminding me that I miss him.
“Nothing, I….” Nikolai is tense, conflicted. Is this just a normal fight or something more? As I stare at the side of Nikolai’s head, he straightens and inclines his head in my direction. I quickly take a step back, trying to put more distance and more obstacles between us. He keeps looking—he must be able to feel my attention—so I don’t risk going past them to the washroom, instead moving back to where I had been standing. A minute later, Nikolai joins me.
“Hey.” There’s a hint of a question in his eyes, but I’m not going to admit that I was eavesdropping.
“Did you hear, they identified the body?” I say.
Nikolai nods, his eyes dark. “You haven’t said anything, have you?”
“No, but—”
“It wouldn’t help, Tamzin. We don’t know what happened or why.”
He’s right, but it still feels like I should be doing something. And he doesn’t know I was there at Spider that night. It all seems like too much of a coincidence, but how could it be anything else?
“Hey, Nikolai, how’s it going?” Ruby returns. “I got you a shot.”
“Thanks.” Nikolai takes the shot and downs it straight away. “Can we go somewhere else?” he says, depositing his empty glass on the table as he glances across the crowded room.
“Sure, but let me just go to the washroom,” I say. “Here.” I hand my shot to Nikolai. “You look like you need it more than me.”
“Thanks.” Nikolai holds my gaze for a second, then downs the second shot. Ruby catches my eye briefly and shrugs. I return the gesture.
“Okay, back in a sec.” If Ruby finds out what’s going on with Nikolai and Kirsten while I’m gone, that’s cool. And then if she wants to tell me, I won’t stop her.
I make my way through the crowd again, noting that Kirsten is still in the same spot, now with her “Babes with Brains” clique, surveying the room with the superiority complexes they must have been born with. I can’t help but be a little pleased that she and Nikolai are fighting. I don’t want him to hurt, but she isn’t right for him. How can he be with someone who takes such pleasure in looking down on everyone else?
I check myself out in the mirror as I wait for a free stall, wiping away the smudges of mascara under my eyes and pulling my hair up into a sleeker, higher ponytail. Just as a cubicle becomes free, the door to the bathroom opens. Kirsten’s voice rings loud and clear over the thump of the base.
“Did you see what she was wearing?”
“I know, right?”
“She has the most expensive clothes, and she still looks like a mess,” Kirsten cackles.
They aren’t talking about me because tonight I’m not wearing Dana’s clothes.
“Ugh, the humidity in here is making my hair a freak show,” Kirsten adds. I stand behind the toilet stall door with a pounding heart, wondering what I should do. If I front up to Kirsten, will I have trouble controlling myself? I shrug to myself. I’m sure it will be fine. I exit the stall, locking eyes with her in the mirror, making sure I have a nonchalant smile on my face as I walk past her to the sink. She rolls her eyes at her friend, but I register the look of surprise as she gives me the once-over. I stare at her in the mirror as she busies herself, pretending to fix her hair. I flick my eyes back to my own reflection, but I direct my mental energy toward her thoughts. The full moon ended a few days ago, and my human-mind reading abilities should have stopped too, but I feel like maybe if I focus….
“Ugh she bugs me.”
“What has she done to herself? She looks so confident.”
“I can’t believe she’s pulling off those shorts.”
All three continue to dab at their makeup with considered disinterest, and I know I won’t need to control my emotions. There is no anger, no rage.
That was awesome.
But ten minutes later, all smugness has evaporated. Nikolai and Ruby decided we would stay for another drink, and now Kirsten is draped all over Nikolai on the dance floor. He isn’t exactly pushing her away. They’re clearly still together, and it makes me ache in a way that I wasn’t expecting.
“Hey, it’s you again. Are you stalking me?”
It’s the guy from before. He’s tall and nice enough looking but has a bit of an attitude. A quick scan of his thoughts tells me this is just bravado. He’s nervous and intimidated, and I soften a little.
“I think you’re the one following me, aren’t you?” I give him a small smile, not entirely sure where I’m going with this yet.
“Do you want to get a drink or dance?” He leans in to me to whisper, his lips almost grazing my ear, making me shiver. He smells good. With one final glance over at Nikolai, still entwined with Kirsten, I look up at him and nod.
Chapter 15
Vincent stands at the head of the table with hands held up as he waits for the chatting to quiet down.
“Welcome to Spring Feast.”
Hoots and cheers rise. There are eight of us seated around a large oak table in the beautiful dining room of the beachfront house that belongs to the Consillium. I get the sense that the Consillium own a decent amount of property. We’re all allowed to use the house for weekend getaways—you just have to book it using the google calendar—but its main use is for Consillium functions like this. The table is piled with roast pork, lamb, and chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, and an assortment of fancy looking salads, all laid out in a mouthwatering array.
“Today is particularly special because we are welcoming a new member to the Consillium community.” He turns to smile at me. “She doesn’t need an introduction—not if you know Dana and have eyes—her niece, Miss Tamzin Walker.”
“Whoop!” Ruby shouts amongst the clapping and cheering. I bask in it. The last time I’d gone to a party, I felt like an imposition, like people were tolerating my attempts at conversation until someone better came along. Here, I feel like a central piece, as if I could sit down anywhere without getting a look like why did you come over here? Did you have something in particular you came over to say?
