‘They’re right, aren’t they?’ I knew the answer, but needed to hear it from him.
‘I think so. They’re really worried about you. The Amelia we know would never hurt her friends on purpose like that.’
He was right. I’d never been a mean person, but trying to defend Joe had turned me into someone I wasn’t. I kept convincing myself that I was helping Joe, and that our connection was important in making him feel better. But our conversations consisted only of ways to destroy the MMC, and to be honest, the anger and hatred he harboured scared me. He wouldn’t let me leave his side. Saving him from the fire had secured my position as his human shield, to make sure no harm would come to him and to guard him from feeling any emotions except for anger.
I had my friend back, but he was different. The wise, calm look behind his eyes had glazed over and turned to hatred for those who had taken so much from him. He needed a friend, and he’d chosen for that friend to be me. Not only did he need me to keep his emotions in check, but secretly, I needed him to keep myself from crumbling under the immense pressure I felt. All the people I cared about had been dragged into this situation because of my selfishness, and now, it was on me to get them out of this mess. I thought that the others didn’t understand, but the more I thought about it, I knew they were right, our relationship was unhealthy.
Nestled in Cameron’s arms listening to the rhythmic beat in his chest calmed me. I wished more than anything I could stay wrapped in his arms and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. Realising how comforted I felt in Cameron’s arms, I stood up away from his caring embrace.
I changed the subject abruptly. ‘Thanks, Cameron, for everything.’
Cameron stayed sitting on the dirt awkwardly, and I walked briskly towards the caravan. I was annoyed at myself for letting him back in and battling between anger and guilt for hurting my closest friends.
‘Sorry.’ Joe had been crying.
I walked to the side of the bed. He wiped the tears roughly from his cheeks as though they were there merely to aggravate him. Usually, I would have tried to say something to make him feel better, but he had drained me of any energy I had left, so I sank into the bed next to him. Cameron had looked dejected when he heard about our living arrangements. Sarah was quick to explain that there was nothing happening, and she had been right. Whatever attraction had existed between Joe and me had evaporated, and we were strung together merely because he had nearly died and that I had saved him. The thought had entered my mind as I mucked out the chicken coop the day before if I regretted saving him the night of the fire. ‘Of course I didn’t,’ I told myself, but I would never have imagined my life saving duties would continue for such a long time.
The nightmares of the fire and Dawn being dragged away wrapped in flaming arms woke me nightly, and Joe wasn’t sleeping well either.
‘We can’t keep doing this.’ Had I meant to say that aloud?
‘I know.’ His answer shocked me, and I took hold of his hand.
‘I want to get the MMC back just as much as you do. I don’t think it can happen while you’re depending on me to make sure you don’t have to deal with your grief.’ My heart beat faster, anticipating his reaction.
Joe was defeated. His once robust physique was now thin and drained. His eyes looked older and duller, and his hair was no longer an attractive mess, but a depressing mop sitting on his head.
‘I just don’t know what to do, Amelia. What am I supposed to do without ... ?’
‘Dawn, say it, Jonah. Your aunty Dawn. Who you loved like a mother would and who cared for you like a son.’
‘I miss her so much. I miss Aunty Dawn and my mum so much.’ He buried his face in his pillow, shielding its sides with his hands. Rubbing his back like my mother would have, I watched his body heave and shudder as he sobbed uncontrollably into it.
That night, when I had awoken once again in a sweaty mess from my nightmare of the fire, it was the first time Joe hadn’t already been awake staring at the ceiling. Instead he lay with his legs curled up slightly. His ribcage rose and fell lightly. His calm demeanour gave me the impression that Joe, the Joe I’d met one night at the Tavern, might be on his way back to us. The pleasant feeling that fell over me allowed me to sleep more restfully, but I knew I needed to take my own advice so I too wouldn’t implode. It was time for Amelia Bailey to apologise to her friends and deal with what had happened.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
Waking early from another nightmare, I slid silently from the bed, leaving Joe to catch up on the sleep he’d been missing. Outside, I filled a kettle up from one of the containers that sat between our caravans. Placing it on the small camp stove, I turned on the gas and clicked the starter, lighting it on fire. It wasn’t going to be easy to get Sarah and Rose to forgive me for the horrible things I’d said. I was hoping a freshly brewed mug of coffee would be a good start.
The kettle whistled and bubbled, and I proceeded to pour the steaming hot water over the coffee granules I’d spooned into each mug. Placing them on the table, I turned to head towards the girls’ caravan only to come face to face with Sarah.
‘Is that for me?’ She wiped sleep lazily from her eyes and yawned.
‘Yes, it is. I am so sorry for yelling at you yesterday. You were right, I didn’t know who I was anymore, but I’m back. I promise, your best friend is back.’
Tears streamed down my face, and Sarah pulled me into a tight squeeze.
‘It’s okay. I’ve done far worse to you. It was Rose who you hurt the most. The poor girl cried herself to sleep last night. Maybe you should go and apologise to her.’
Wiping my tears away with the bottom of my shirt, I left Sarah to her coffee and carried Rose’s towards the caravan. Knocking, I took a deep breath, my face still flushed and sticky from tears.
‘Yes?’ She sounded deflated, and it was my fault.
Pushing the door open, I uncomfortably poked my head around the corner and held up the coffee for her to see, the aroma filling the small room. She nodded, and I walked in placing it on the bedside table and sat beside her on the mattress.
‘I am so sorry, Rose.’ No apology could make up for the hurtful things I’d said.
‘It’s okay. You’re just under a lot of stress.’ It frustrated me that she was being so nice when I’d been so nasty.
‘It’s not okay. I should never have said those things. Sarah does like you. She was jealous at the start, but now, she cares for you as much as I do. And I know that you aren’t jealous of Joe and me. I just felt trapped and lashed out.’ Tears reformed and ran over my already reddened cheeks.
‘I was jealous.’ She’d sat up and was looking at her hands resting in her lap. ‘But I soon realised the burden he’d put on you, and part of me wished I could help share it with you. I could see how heavy it was for you.’
Leaning forward, I cuddled her. She was such a good friend to me despite the times I had let her down. If nothing, I would make sure Rose got what she deserved, a happy life with the one person who meant the most to her, Ethan.
After Joe woke, we jumped into his Kingswood and made our way up to my parents’ Queenslander for breakfast, a welcome break from our long days at the bush camp. Cameron thought we needed to get away for a while and remember how important we were to each other. It was a wonderful sight. The timber house perched on the flattened hill in the middle of the property, surrounded by trees and bushes Mum had managed to keep alive over the years. The large Poinciana tree bursting with red flowers reminded me of the days sitting underneath Dawn’s in the shade while she tended to her gardens. The wooden deck stretched the whole way around to give 180-degree views of the picturesque landscape. Two large timber doors with stained-glass windows formed the entry where you were once again greeted by timber in the polished floors and exposed beams of the ceiling. It was open but warm; and best of all, it was home and it instantly made me feel happier.
Cameron had stayed the night and looked fresher than he had the la
st time I’d seen him. The anger Joe had been radiating had lessened with his tears. The problems between him and the girls had been left behind at the camp. Mum and Dad both smiled with delight as we arrived the table neatly set on the back deck. As the hopelessness I’d been carrying slipped away, I felt as though I’d re-entered the real world once again. It made me realise how depressing and isolating our small makeshift camp could be.
Mum had begged me to stay at the house with her, despite Cameron’s warnings that the MMC would be sure to visit. To my surprise, Dad, who understood Joe needed me, convinced her it would be for the best if I stayed with my friends. Mum had cried as we drove down to our little camp as Cameron had convinced her it would be safer if she didn’t know where it was, just in case.
I hated them being left in limbo, more loved ones being pulled into my chaotic world. Cameron was only looking out for them, though. He’d become quite fond of my family, and they appeared to enjoy his company as well. Dad had never had a son and was delighted to speak ‘man talk’ with him. They came from such different worlds, but they had a lot in common. Their love for sport, and Cameron wasn’t afraid to get dirty out on the farm, and they both cared about me. They also had a common goal, to keep me safe. All they wanted was for me to be happy and free.
Dad and Cameron were discussing cricket at one end of the hardwood table. Sarah and Mum talked so much as we ate, it was hard to get a word in. Rose interjected a few times, but for the time being, I was happy to just listen to their conversations. It all felt so normal, if only for a little while. They were discussing gardening, as Mum had always had trouble keeping things alive on the farm; even some of the hardiest of plants had perished. Rain was scarce during some parts of the year, and a lot of plants didn’t appear to like the bore water Mum used to quench their thirst.
‘Mum and Aunty Dawn’s favourite flowers were orchids.’ Everyone’s voice faded and silence fell over the table.
Mum, noticing how awkward the sudden collapse of conversation was, made it less noticeable. ‘How did they grow them though? Out on her farm?’
‘Dawn always said they needed love and attention. That’s why she liked them so much. My mum loved them too, and they built a little greenhouse for a few. It was one of their favourite things to do together.’
‘A greenhouse ... I’d never thought about building a greenhouse. We could build one right next to the veranda here. That way I could use the rain water to water them.’ Mum was lost in her imagination as she excitedly pictured it in her mind.
‘I could help you build it if you like?’ Joe’s offer was sincere, and Mum was quick to take him up on it.
‘Is today too soon? You and I could head into town and buy the materials now.’
‘Sure, if that’s what you want to do.’
‘Girls, can you help me clear the table, and then I’ll just get changed.’ When Mum got an idea in her head, there was no stopping her, and she walked inside with a grin spread across her face.
Mum and Joe took off down the driveway, and my heart was lighter. Weight fell away, piece by piece, the further away they drove. The burden of being Joe’s saviour had taken its toll, and I felt awkward around the people to whom I had been once so close. The three of them had grown a strong bond that sent a twinge of jealousy through me. I missed them deeply, all three of them, for different reasons. Sarah was my best friend, and I had pushed her so far away I wasn’t sure we could bridge the giant gorge that had formed between us. Rose was a gentle, caring person who I’d been so nasty to and jealous of for no reason except to make myself feel better. Cameron had risked so much to simply get close to me, but I continually pushed him aside. Joe had held me down with his grief for so long, and I’d clung to him so desperately to push away the guilt I harboured. I wasn’t sure how to get back to them, or if I ever could.
Dad found me sitting on the bench seat on the front veranda. He joined me, staring out at the dry, brown landscape that stretched out in front of me, the bright blue sky reflecting off the shiny shed.
‘Your friends miss you, possum.’ He hadn’t called me that for years, and instantly, I felt like a child again. I had always loved being an only child. No competition for my parents’ attention. Whenever I needed or wanted it, sometimes when I didn’t want it, I’d always had it. From watching my sports days at school, cheering me on even though they knew I wouldn’t win, to ringing Richie Sharp’s parents when he had called me ugly at school. I had never doubted how much they loved me. Even when Sarah stayed with us after her mum passed away, Mum had never tried to take on a motherly role; instead, she became Sarah’s friend although she loved her like a daughter.
‘I miss them too.’ I was lost in my history.
‘Then why are you out here by yourself?’ His concern dampened my eyes.
‘I don’t know. Even though I have everyone around me, I feel so alone. I want to be there for Joe, but I don’t know how to make everything better. I feel like it’s up to me to fix this, but I don’t know how.’ The tears came freely, and he held me tight to his navy singlet-bound chest.
‘You expect too much from yourself, Amelia. Nobody expects you to fix everything. All we want is for you to be happy and climb out of this dark hole you’ve dug for yourself.’ His description was perfect.
I was in a dark hole, and the only person who had visited me there was Joe. Maybe he’d dug it, and I had decided the easiest option was to climb in with him.
‘My nightmares keep me awake. I keep seeing her being dragged away by the fire. I tried so hard to rescue her, but I couldn’t, no matter what I did.’ It was the first time I’d admitted to myself that I couldn’t have saved her and it was both freeing and sad, producing another wave of tears.
‘I know you did, sweetie, and so does everyone else. You need to stop feeling like you owe Joe something. All you need to do is be his friend. You don’t owe him anything.’ His words lifted the last piece of weight that had been holding me down.
I breathed deeply as a freedom swept over me which I hadn’t felt since the night of the fire.
Dad wiped at my tear-stained face. ‘Now the Amelia I know wouldn’t be sitting out here feeling sorry for herself. She’d be inside, joking happily with her friends. They need you just as much as you need them.’
Standing, I leant over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Thanks, Dad. I love you.’ I joined my friends.
***
Mum, Dad, and Joe set to work on the greenhouse. They’d bought a kit from a local gardening store, and they took turns reading the instructions and pushing pieces together, only to pull them apart again. By dinner, it was complete, and Joe’s familiar grin was back on his face.
Back at our camp, talk returned to the MMC and what we could do to expose them to the world.
‘Maybe we could use the Internet in some way by using social media. I don’t know something like that.’ My mind was racing with a new excitement now as so much weight that I’d carried had been lifted.
‘You might be on to something, Amelia.’ Cameron nodded slowly. ‘If we could somehow prove through a video message or web site what the MMC is doing, then it could really work. Only problem is, how do we get proof and stop them from discrediting our story?’
The discussion went in circles for hours. How could we expose them in a way that they couldn’t deny the allegations made against them? Allegations of manipulation, monopolisation, and mind control. They would use all the power they possessed to disperse the rumour quickly. But if we could light a spark in enough people’s minds, then maybe we could turn it into an inferno and win. The thought of bringing them down and knowing the resources they had at their disposal was both exciting and scary. It became clear that to gain proof, we would still need to infiltrate their building. Cameron suggested speaking to his university friend once more as he was heading back to the city the next day.
We hadn’t had a chance to have a private conversation since the night I’d fought with Rose and Sarah.
‘Coming to bed?’ asked Joe once Sarah and Rose had said their goodnights and disappeared, still talking excitedly. The close bond they’d formed made me smile.
‘Do you mind if I talk to Cameron first?’
‘Of course not.’ He relaxed back into his chair.
‘I mean alone.’
‘Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll see you when you come to bed.’ Uncomfortable, Joe made his way to our caravan.
For a moment, we stared at each other, the sudden absence of others making it feel too quiet. He held out his hand, and instantly, I let out a breath of air. I took his hand, and he led me a few metres from the camp where we sat on the dry grassy ground.
‘Is everything okay? I mean, are you feeling okay?’ As always, the concern in his eyes had me melting inside.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just we haven’t had time to talk, and I thought we should.’
Doubt crawled in; why was I doing this?
Was I giving him the wrong idea talking to him alone? Did I still want him to like me as more than a friend? Maybe he was angry at how I’d been treating him after all he’d done.
He sat patiently and silently, waiting for me to continue. ‘I want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. If it wasn’t for you, who knows how or where I would be, and I’m so grateful for everything.’
‘You didn’t have to say it. I know that you are grateful. You’ve carried Joe’s grief on your own, and I can’t believe how strong you’ve been through this. I’m not sure if I could have endured as much as you and still be sane.’
Strong? Defeated, discouraged, and depressed is how I felt, but again Cameron saw strength in me I wasn’t able to see myself.
He reached out his large soft hand and gently held mine, forcing me to look up into his dreamy pools of blue. ‘I’m not that strong, you know.’
He moved beside me putting his arms around me. ‘You don’t have to be anymore. Joe seems as though he is beginning to deal with his anger, and it’s about time you had someone to lean on.’
Dawn of the Dreamer (Dreamer Trilogy Book 1) Page 19
