Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

  "I know you've said a number of times how much you've changed," Brian said. "I understand that. I'm not trying to go back; I'm trying to go forward -- with you. That's why I got you a new ring, one to go with the new us." He paused, his eyes anxious. "Did I get it wrong?"

  "It's beautiful," she said, for it was a spectacular ring. Any woman in her right mind would like this ring. And if she'd been madly in love with him, she probably would have liked it, too.

  "Can I put it on your finger?"

  She snapped the lid shut.

  "I guess not," he said with disappointment.

  "We need to talk. Please sit down."

  He sat at one end of the couch; she sat at the other end.

  "I want you to know that I really appreciate the effort you've put into trying to get our relationship back on track, but I haven't been entirely honest with you," she said.

  "There is someone else," he interrupted. "That's it, isn't it? Your neighbor, Matt."

  "No, that's not what I'm talking about." She hesitated, wondering if she had the courage to do this. It had been different telling Matt; she'd known the secret would stay with him. But once she told Brian it would be out in the open. Her parents would have to know. Jolie would have to know. And Caitlyn would have to live the rest of her life with everyone knowing that she couldn't have children. They'd look at her with pity. They'd guard their words or watch their actions when a baby came by.

  "Whatever it is," Brian said. "You can tell me. It won't change the way I feel about you."

  "I think it might." She forced herself to look into his eyes. "After the accident, I got some bad news. I didn't tell anyone, because it hurt so much, and I couldn't talk about it, so I tried not to think about it."

  "You're not sick?" he asked tentatively.

  "Not exactly. I can't have children, Brian. When my pelvis was crushed, everything inside was damaged, irrevocably damaged. I won't be able to get pregnant or carry a child."

  He stared at her blankly as if the words hadn't registered. "There must be something they can do," he said slowly. "I can't believe that there's not something they can do. Have you talked to your mother? Have you seen specialists?"

  She cut him off before he could get even more wound up. "I had a second opinion, Brian. And there isn't anything my mother can do that I didn't do already."

  "But Caitlyn, there are so many new scientific advances. There may be something you have overlooked. We need to research the possibilities, talk to specialists, go on the Internet."

  "Brian, please. I have looked into the possibilities."

  "But you're not a scientist. No offense, Caitlyn, but this is my area. Let me talk to some people for you. Let me get a copy of your medical file." He paused, looking confused. "Why didn't you tell me before? Or even after? You could have written or called me or even come to Boston, for that matter."

  "Because I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to listen to all of the suggestions you just threw out. It was easier after I gave you back your ring and you left to take that fellowship. I knew it was over between us."

  "It wasn't over. I never thought it was over."

  "But you do now. I can't give you a baby. Don't you understand?"

  Her words hung between them for a long moment.

  "I understand what you're saying, but--”

  "You think I'm wrong. You think you can fix this. You can't. I'm finally starting to accept the truth. I can't have a child of my own, and I know that you want children. That's why I can't accept this ring." She pressed the box into his hand. "I can't marry you, Brian."

  He shook his head in confusion, looking much the way she'd felt eighteen months earlier, as if he'd just had the rug pulled out from under him. "What if... what if I said it didn't matter?"

  "But it does matter. Why would you say otherwise?"

  "I've never thought of marrying anyone but you. Our families are perfect together. I can't imagine starting over with anyone else. We're good together, Caitlyn. We fit into each other's lives. There must be a way out of this."

  "I know that it's hard to grasp; it's taken me a long time. But you have to understand one thing before you go. Our relationship is over."

  "Are you saying you don't love me anymore? Or are you giving me an easy way out?"

  She thought about his question. "When we first met, I was a young girl, barely out of my teens. I loved the fact that you spoke my parents' language. Bringing you home made me feel smart and accepted and right in the middle of things, the way I'd never felt before. You took charge. You made decisions for us. Frankly, you took up right where my parents left off. I was happy to go straight from living with my parents to living with you.

  "Then the accident happened, and everything changed. I realized that bad things could happen to me and no one could fix them. Living through the pain, the rehabilitation, and the uncertainty about being able to walk again made me look at my life in a different way. Finally, knowing that I couldn't have children changed me forever."

  She took a breath as the words poured out of her. "I grew up, Brian. I grew up in a way I never imagined. I didn't have a choice. I had to learn how to take care of myself and stand on my own two feet, and I had to think about what I wanted from life and how I could get it. I believe that most men in this world want children of their own. And I know that you're one of those men. Family has always been important to you and your parents. I can't take that away. And I won't let you sacrifice for me."

  "It's my decision. You should have told me before. You should have told everyone."

  "I was hiding. Matt made me realize that it wasn't fair--”

  "Matt?" he asked in shock. "You told Matt? You told this neighbor that you met last week a secret you couldn't tell me?"

  She cleared her throat, realizing her error. "It just slipped out."

  "Sure it did." Brian stood up. "This is all a bunch of bull, Caitlyn. You're not thinking of me. You're thinking of yourself. You want the guy who lives across the hall." An angry gleam appeared in his eyes. "Or is it his baby you want? That's it, isn't it? He's got a ready-made family, just waiting for you to step in and play mom."

  "The baby belongs to his sister," she said tightly, knowing what he was saying wasn't true. She was attracted to Matt. She cared about Matt. It didn't have anything to do with Emily. Well, maybe a little, but not the way he made it sound, like she was using Matt, like she was expecting them to be a family.

  "What do you want me to do, Caitlyn? Do you want me to go? Or do you want me to stay and see if we can work this out? I would like children. I'll admit to that. Maybe I won't be able to come to terms with the fact that you can't have any. But maybe I will. We'll never know if you don't give us a chance.

  "One thing I won't do is share you with another man. You have to decide who you want. I love you. You used to love me. Do you want to throw all that away on a casual affair? On a man and a baby who don't belong to you?"

  He let the words sink in. "Or do you want to try again with me? I can promise you that I won't leave you again. I won't put my job before you. You weren't the only one who changed in the last year. I realized when I got to Boston that I'd left something important behind -- you. It was the biggest mistake I'd ever made. So what's it going to be?"

  Chapter Nineteen

  Matt lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. It was five-seventeen in the morning, Thursday morning. It had been more than twenty-four hours since Caitlyn had left his bed to call Brian, and he hadn't heard a word from her since. He'd never anticipated she'd stay away so long.

  He felt better being outside, doing something instead of waiting, so he'd spent most of Wednesday cruising his old neighborhood with Emily in tow, hoping to see someone, maybe Sarah, he didn't know.

  But waiting was what he'd done all evening, hoping to hear Caitlyn's knock at his door. He'd listened for her footstep in the hallway, but either she'd stepped lightly or she'd never come home, because he hadn't heard
a thing. Maybe she'd gone to Brian. Maybe Matt had blown the best thing that had ever happened to him.

  Emily began to cry, and he glanced over at the portable crib, which he'd moved into his bedroom. She'd been crying off and on all night. He'd already given her two bottles and changed her diaper, even taken a quick foray up to the roof, but nothing had helped. It was a different cry tonight, not so much a mad cry as one of discomfort. Hell, maybe she missed Caitlyn, too.

  Matt got up and padded over to the crib, picking Emily up as she began to cry in earnest. That's when it struck him how red she was. Her head was hot and sweaty -- too hot, he thought. It wasn't that warm a night, and she was only wearing a small t-shirt with her diaper. He wondered if she had a fever.

  Carrying Emily into the living room, he dug through the pile of stuff Caitlyn had convinced him to buy. Sure enough, there was a baby thermometer. He read the directions, relieved when one of the options was to place the thermometer under the baby's arm. Emily didn't like it much, but he managed to get a reading, one hundred and four. His heart began to race. Emily wasn't just fussy; she was sick. Damn! How long had she been sick?

  He was out the door and across the hall before he had time to consider whether or not Caitlyn was home. Emily continued to sob, and when Caitlyn didn't answer his knock, Matt felt a rush of anxiety. What should he do? Who should he call?

  He was just about to panic when Caitlyn opened the door wearing a short bathrobe and a scowl. "What do you want?"

  "She's sick," he said.

  Caitlyn's expression immediately changed to one of concern as she took Emily in her arms. "Oh, my God, she's so hot."

  "A hundred and four. What should we do?"

  "I -- I don't know."

  "You have to know."

  "Okay. All right. She doesn't have a pediatrician that we know of. And it's -- what time is it?"

  "Just after five."

  "I guess we should take her to the Emergency Room."

  "You'll come with me?"

  "Of course I will. Just let me throw on some clothes, and you better, too."

  It was only then he realized he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. He returned quickly to his apartment, putting Emily down for just a second while he threw on some clothes. He grabbed a bottle on his way out the door just in case she was hungry. But she didn't seem interested in sucking on the bottle, which only worried him more.

  Caitlyn met him in the hallway wearing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. "You drive, and I'll watch over Emily."

  The trip across town to the nearest hospital was tense. Emily continued to cry intermittently. Neither the car ride nor the fresh air calmed her down. Finally, they reached the Emergency Room. Matt parked the car, then put a hand on Caitlyn's shoulder as she started to get out.

  "She has to be our baby," he said.

  "What?" she asked in confusion.

  "Emily is our daughter. We're Mr. and Mrs. Winters, and this is our daughter, Emily," he said slowly and deliberately. "If we don't have the authority to get her treated, we're going to run into all kinds of red tape."

  "What about insurance?"

  "I'll give my insurance information. By the time they figure out she's not covered, it will be later in the day, and then I'll give them a check."

  Caitlyn nodded. "I understand. Let's just get her inside."

  Their rush to get Emily help was slowed down by a busy Emergency Room. They spent nearly forty-five minutes in the waiting room, then another thirty in an examining room. The waiting was driving Matt crazy. He wanted to track down a doctor and drag him into the room, so they could stop Emily's suffering, because she did seem to be suffering, her little eyes looking at him for help. And he didn't know what to do.

  "She'll be all right." Caitlyn patiently stroked Emily's back. "I'm sure it's nothing."

  He wanted to believe her. If anything happened to Emily while he was taking care of her, he'd never forgive himself. He checked his watch. "It's after seven. What good is calling this an Emergency Room if they don't treat you like an emergency?"

  "The nurse said Emily's temperature was a hundred and two, which isn't that bad for a baby."

  Matt was unconvinced. "She probably says that so you don't complain."

  "Matt, sit down." Caitlyn leaned back against the wall with a sigh.

  "Are you all right? Do you want me to take Emily?"

  "She's dozing now. Let's not disturb her."

  "I couldn't have done this without you."

  "Sure you could have."

  "Well, I'm glad I didn't have to." He sat down next to her on the bench. "You're one hell of a woman, Caitlyn. In case I haven't mentioned it."

  "What a difference a day makes," she said dryly.

  "I'm sorry about the other night. I don't know what came over me."

  "Don't you?"

  "All right. You jumped out of my bed and went to Brian," he said grumpily. "That's what came over me."

  "I didn't jump out of your bed. Emily was crying and then that singing telegram arrived, and I knew I couldn't just let things drift along."

  "So, did you talk to Brian?"

  "Yes."

  "And?"

  She hesitated. "Let's not get into that right now."

  For a moment he thought about forcing the issue, but he changed his mind. What could he offer Caitlyn in the way of a relationship? He didn't know what would happen with Emily, if Sarah was coming back, or if he'd have a child to raise. If Sarah didn't come back, he would raise Emily as his own. Because he loved her, he realized, staring down at her small head. He loved Emily. And as he raised his gaze to Caitlyn's eyes, he had a feeling he loved her, too.

  "You all right?" she asked.

  "Not really."

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  "Not right now."

  "Okay." She scooted over on the bench and rested her head on his shoulder. "Then we'll just be together, you and me and Emily."

  "Yeah, you and me and Emily," he muttered. What a great family they could be. There were still too many variables -- Sarah, for one; Brian for another. But for now he was just going to hold Caitlyn and think about everything else tomorrow.

  * * *

  Jonathan pulled into the hospital parking lot just after seven-thirty. "Ready?" he asked Sarah. He smiled at her stiff posture. She was sitting in the passenger seat with her fingers pressed tightly together, her hair combed neatly into a ponytail. At least the bruises were fading and the horrified look in her eyes had disappeared.

  They'd been busy the past two days, talking to as many possible churchgoers as they could find. In between, they'd spent some time at a transitional home where Sarah had met another young mother who was trying to get back on her feet. She'd begun to realize she wasn't the only woman who'd been completely overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood.

  "I'm still not sure about seeing a psychiatrist," she said finally. "What if the doctor thinks I'm crazy, too?"

  "Then you'll deal with it."

  "I won't be able to get Emily back if someone puts me away."

  "You don't have Emily now," he gently reminded her. He knew that Sarah was missing her baby, that she was torn between doing what was best for Emily and what was best for Sarah. That she had put Emily's welfare before her own, told him how much she loved her child. Protecting a child was a mother's most important job, and in his book Sarah had done what she needed to do. Now he needed to help her get on track, so she could get Emily back in her life. It still disturbed him that she hadn't made contact with her brother, but one step at a time, he reminded himself.

  Sarah sighed but still made no move to open her car door. "Do you really think I could be a good mother?"

  For the first time he saw a hopeful look in her eyes, and it pleased him. "I do."

  Her mouth slowly blossomed into a smile, and it stirred his heart in a way he'd never imagined. Maybe if she smiled more, he'd be used to it. Maybe then it wouldn't make his heart skip or his stomach turn ove
r. He kept telling himself this was business, his business of helping people, but it was getting more personal with each passing day.

  "I've never known anyone who believed in me," she told him. "I don't know why you do."

  "You're young and smart and you have a good heart. This is the beginning of your life, Sarah, not the middle or even the end. There is so much ahead of you."

  "You make it sound like it will all be good."

  "Maybe not all, but hopefully, with some support, some friends, the bad times will be easier to handle. You're not alone anymore."

  She drew in a breath for courage. "All right. I'm ready."

  "Let's go." Jonathan stepped out of the car and walked with her through the front doors of the hospital. He felt confident that his friend would be able to give Sarah peace of mind. And then maybe he could do the rest, get her a place to live and reunite her with her baby. He wondered if Emily had her mother's beautiful eyes, her mother's incredible smile.

  * * *

  Emily threw up all over the doctor's sleeve. Matt looked away as the doctor bit back a curse and moved over to the sink to wash away the damage. As he dried off, he picked up his chart and jotted down some notes. "It's an ear infection," he said.

  "Is that serious?" Matt glanced at Caitlyn, who was holding Emily in her arms now that the examination was over.

  "It's very common in babies," the doctor replied. "Is she allergic to any antibiotics?"

  "Uh..." How did he know what she was allergic to? What if he said the wrong thing?

  "She hasn't been on any antibiotics," Caitlyn said quickly. "Is there something very mild you could start with?'

  "Sure. Amoxicillin should take care of this. Give her the medication for its entire course. And then take her to your pediatrician in about two weeks and make sure everything is back to normal. Any problems before then, see the pediatrician."