Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

  It wasn't a big room. It wasn't even a scary room. It was just beaten up, the way he'd felt all those years ago. He let out the breath he'd been holding as he realized there was nothing here for him, absolutely nothing. It was a relief in a way. One he couldn't even explain.

  Matt glanced at Caitlyn, who had placed Emily's car seat on the floor but was standing protectively nearby. Caitlyn's brown eyes were filled with concern, caring, compassion, all the things he'd come to expect from her. She wasn't judgmental; he liked that. He felt like he could be himself, maybe for the first time in his life. For here was Caitlyn standing right smack in the middle of his past, the only woman he'd ever let into his life in such a way.

  Caitlyn opened her arms to him, and he moved into her embrace, burying his face in her sweet-smelling hair, loving the feel of her body molding into his. She fit him -- fit him perfectly. And here in this cold, dark room, Caitlyn surrounded him with warmth and light, promising a future he'd never allowed himself to believe in. But here with her, he could almost picture it.

  I love you. The words jumped into his brain. He almost thought he'd said them out loud, but then Caitlyn was talking, slipping out of his arms, and he knew that the words still remained safely locked in his heart.

  "I was thinking that maybe there is some clue in this apartment," Caitlyn said, walking toward the window. "Something brought us here today, but what is it?"

  He shook his head, trying to clear the haze of love out of his brain. He couldn't believe he'd almost told her he loved her. They'd known each other a week. A week, for God's sake. How could he love someone that fast? How could he even trust someone that fast?

  "Matt, are you listening to me?"

  "Sorry. What did you say?"

  "Where did you sleep?"

  "Couch usually. Sarah and my mom had the bedroom."

  "What was it you told me about her?" Caitlyn snapped her fingers. "I remember. She used to kneel by her bedroom window and look out at the stars at night." Caitlyn walked into the bedroom. "Come here," she called.

  Matt grabbed Emily's car seat and took her with him into the bedroom. He couldn't leave Sarah's baby alone, not in this place.

  "What did you find?" As far as he could see, the room was completely empty.

  Caitlyn stood by the window. "Look out and tell me what you see."

  Matt gave her a skeptical look, but joined her at the window. "I see the building across the street, and the sign for the liquor store, some clouds."

  "Look harder. Look past the building. Look past what you remember. Matt, and think about what Sarah might remember."

  He wondered what she was trying to tell him. Focusing on the view out the window, he tried to note every detail, and that's when he saw it, the sun glinting off the shiny white peak. It was the steeple of a nearby church, and as he stared at it, he could have sworn that a beam of light went from that steeple straight into the heavens.

  "Sarah believed in angels," Caitlyn said.

  "Oh, my God." A sudden shiver ran down his spine. "I know where we need to go." Matt took one last look out the window and saw what had drawn Sarah to the window every night of her life. It was hope.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  It took only a few minutes for Matt to find the church they'd seen from Sarah's window, but in those few minutes Caitlyn felt a dozen different emotions. They seemed so close to finding Sarah now. Just standing in the apartment where Sarah had lived, looking out the window where she had knelt night after night, had made Caitlyn feel like Sarah was only a breath away. And Caitlyn wasn't sure she wanted to find Sarah. It would change everything.

  She turned around in her seat to check on Emily, who was waking up with a yawn. "She's awake," she told Matt as he looked for a place to park near the church. "You know what that means."

  "Do we have any bottles left?"

  "No. Maybe we should go home. Emily isn't feeling well, and I don't want her to be hungry on top of everything else."

  Matt frowned, obviously torn between finding Sarah and taking care of Emily.

  "What's another hour?" Caitlyn asked. "Besides, there's nowhere to park. We can come back later."

  He braked at the stop sign at the corner. "We're right here. It will just take a minute to ask if anyone has seen Sarah." He whipped a U-turn and pulled into a spot that blocked the driveway leading up to the house that sat next to the church. "I'll be right back."

  "Matt," she said in protest.

  He stopped halfway out the door and looked back at her. His eyes were understanding but determined. "I have to do this, Caitlyn. It will just take a minute."

  "Not if you find Sarah. That will take more than a minute."

  "We'll deal with that if it happens."

  "Are you sure you want to find her?" The impulsive words left her mouth before she could stop them.

  "She's my sister. She's all I have left of my family."

  "You have Emily. You love Emily. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. Have you thought about what will happen if you have to give Emily back to Sarah?"

  He stared at her for a long moment, the pulse in his neck beating rapidly. "I can love Emily as her uncle."

  "What if Sarah takes Emily and runs again? What if you never see either one of them again?"

  "That's a chance I have to take."

  "Well, I don't want to take it."

  "I know this is unfair to you, Caitlyn." He sighed, glancing from her to the church. "But this is the right thing to do. Emily needs her mother."

  Caitlyn blinked back the moisture that filled her eyes. He was right. Emily needed her mother. All children needed their mother. They certainly didn't need a substitute.

  "Shit!" Matt swore. "I don't want to hurt you, Caitlyn."

  "Just go," she said tonelessly. "I'll be fine."

  He looked like he wanted to argue, but Emily began to whimper, and they both knew they were short on time. "I'll be right back."

  Caitlyn turned around and saw Emily trying to wake up, her little eyes squinting at the bright sunlight. Well, no wonder she was crying. The poor thing was probably confused as to where she was, who she was with. Her life so far had been pure chaos. She deserved better than that. Emily deserved a good home, parents who would be there for her, parents like her and Matt.

  Caitlyn couldn't stop the thought from running through her mind, even though she knew it was selfish. She didn't want the home for Emily; she wanted it for herself, and not just the house but the husband, the baby, maybe even a dog.

  She reached over the seat and played with Emily's tiny toes. Such a perfect little creature she was, so untouched, so innocent, so lovely. Her life was a blank page upon which she could draw whatever she wanted. The possibilities were endless.

  Caitlyn wanted those possibilities back for herself. She didn't want the lines that told her she couldn't go here or couldn't go there. She wanted the wide-open spaces, the free, unlimited choices. She wanted what so many other women took for granted -- children. It was heartbreaking that she couldn't have them.

  Anger swamped her soul like a tidal wave taking down the beach and everything on it. She hadn't let herself feel the anger, the bitterness, the sorrow -- and she didn't want to feel it now, but she couldn't stop it. She wanted a baby of her own. She wanted it more than anything else in life.

  The tears slid down her cheeks in a relentless stream until she couldn't see, which was why she didn't notice Matt had returned until he slammed the door and pulled her into his arms.

  "It's okay. It's all right," he muttered. "She wasn't there. No one answered the door."

  "I'm sorry. Sorry," she repeated hopelessly as she tried to pull herself together.

  "You don't have anything to apologize for. I kept you up half the night. I've dragged you all over town to look for someone you don't even know. I'm the one who's sorry."

  She sat back in her seat and wiped her eyes and cheeks with the back of her hand. "It's not you. It's me. I want what I can't have, and I think I j
ust realized how much I want it."

  He nodded, his eyes filled with compassion.

  "It's not fair, Matt. It's not fair that I can't have kids, and yet here is this beautiful baby that your sister doesn't seem to want. Why could she have kids, but I can't? I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but it's the way I feel."

  "You have a right. What happened to you is tragic. I wish I could make it go away, but I can't."

  "Yeah, I know."

  "Let's go home. We can get Emily a bottle and get ourselves some sleep."

  Caitlyn nodded as Matt started the engine. She wanted to go home, to a home with Matt and Emily. Maybe Sarah could just stay lost.

  * * *

  Matt knew they were close to finding Sarah. His instincts had always been good, and right now those instincts were telling him that Sarah was nearby. Seeing that steeple out of Sarah's window had reminded him of how many times she'd talked about the angels nearby. It made sense that if she were seeking a refuge, she'd go to the church. It was unfortunate that no one had answered the door. But they'd have to come back sometime and so would he.

  Glancing over at Caitlyn, he saw the tenseness in her face, the worry in her eyes, the tightness in her shoulders. She was thinking about losing Emily. For Caitlyn there was nothing to gain by finding Sarah.

  For him it would be different. He would have his sister back, his family back. It was what he had always wanted, what he'd thought he'd probably lost forever, but now it was almost within reach.

  But while he would gain a family, Caitlyn would lose the baby she'd grown to love. That didn't seem right, either. He wondered why there couldn't ever be two good things in a row, why it was always one up and one down.

  There was no question that Caitlyn had gotten a raw deal. And why her? She was such a sweetheart, a natural-born mother. Her kids would have had it great. They would have been lucky to have her for a mother. But there weren't going to be any kids. Not unless she married someone who already had a child, a ready-made family.

  They would have made a great family, Caitlyn, Emily and himself. Maybe...

  No, he couldn't think that way. Sarah was Emily's mother. He had to find her. He couldn't stop trying to reunite them, no matter what the cost to Caitlyn or himself. But one thing was for sure, he would make certain that Sarah could take care of Emily before he let her go. There was no way in hell Emily would grow up with the same awful uncertainty he and Sarah had lived through with their own unstable mother. He wouldn't allow that to happen. Because Emily was the most important, and it was her welfare he had to consider over everyone else.

  Fifteen minutes later, he pulled the car up in front of the apartment building that had begun to feel more like home since he'd discovered Emily and Caitlyn. He'd always moved around a lot, careful not to settle down. But he was starting to want roots, starting to desire things like stability and consistency, like waking up with the same woman every morning and saying good-night to that same woman every night. And maybe seeing a baby smile when she saw him, or hear a small child call him Daddy.

  He shook his head, trying to dislodge the disturbing thoughts. For he'd learned a long time ago that loving or wanting something or someone was pretty much a guarantee that that something or someone would disappear.

  Caitlyn let out a sigh that turned into a yawn.

  "You must be exhausted," he said.

  "I am," she agreed.

  "Are you going in to work?"

  "Maybe later. What about you? Will you go back to the church?"

  "I know you want me to say no, but--”

  "But you can't leave any stone unturned. I understand." She offered him a tentative smile. "I know I was upset back there for a second. And since you're so big on honesty, I'd have to say it's probably going to happen again, as soon as you find Sarah, and as soon as I have to say good-bye to Emily. But I'll try to keep it together. This isn't your problem. It's mine, and somehow I'll find a way to deal with it."

  "I wish you didn't have to deal with it."

  "Me, too. Things would have been a lot easier if you hadn't knocked on my door last week."

  "Easier, yes, but better?" he queried, wondering if she regretted getting involved with him as well as with Emily.

  Her eyes darkened. "Not better, just easier. You know that."

  "The good things are always hard."

  "Maybe not just the good things."

  Emily, having grown weary of their conversation, let out a cry. They quickly exited the car and dashed up the steps to the apartment building.

  "Someone should fix this," Caitlyn said as Matt held open the front door. "This is supposed to be a security building."

  Matt felt the same prickle of uneasiness he'd felt a few nights earlier when he'd first noticed the jammed lock. Had Sarah done it?

  He'd become so suspicious where Sarah was concerned. Maybe he was looking for a reason to keep Emily, too. That little truth jumped into his head, and once there, refused to budge. Like Caitlyn, he had become attached to Emily, maybe too attached. He needed to keep his objectivity. It was the only way any of them would get through this.

  Caitlyn pushed the button for the elevator, tapping her foot impatiently as she tried to keep Emily quiet. Matt hoped Mrs. Pederman wouldn't suddenly appear. A nosy neighbor, on top of everything else, he could definitely live without.

  "Where is the damn elevator?" Caitlyn muttered.

  Matt looked up at the lighted numbers. "It's on ten." As soon as he said it, his heart skipped a beat, and when he turned to Caitlyn, he saw the same look in her eyes. Whoever was coming down in that elevator was probably someone who had come to see one of them, as the other wing had a separate elevator.

  "Probably Bradley," he said shortly. "Or your mother. Or one of your other many visitors."

  "Right. I'm sure it's someone for me. No one ever comes to visit you."

  No one except Sarah. His throat was suddenly too tight to speak. It was ridiculous. It wasn't her. It couldn't be her. But he saw Caitlyn's arms tighten around the baby and knew she was thinking the same thing. And suddenly he was the one who wanted to run.

  But the silver doors were opening, so slowly he wanted to thrust them apart with his bare hands. He saw a man's trousers first. Brian, he thought with relief. Then the doors opened farther, and he heard Caitlyn's small gasp as the woman standing in the back of the elevator stepped forward. She was small and thin with long black hair that reached down to her waist. Her eyes were as dark as the night and as familiar as his own.

  "Sarah," he breathed. "Oh, my God!"

  No one moved. They were suddenly frozen in time, and it wasn't until the elevator doors began to close again that Matt reached in and held them back.

  "Is it really you?" he asked.

  "It's me."

  "Sarah," he breathed, feeling an incredible sense of reunion. His sister was back. He could hardly believe it.

  The elevator doors hammered his hand again, impatient to close. The man standing next to Sarah put his hand in front of the other door. Matt gave him a cursory glance, enough to know it wasn't the same man he'd met in Sarah's old apartment, thank God for that. Then he looked at Sarah. "You finally came back."

  "I've been waiting for you," she answered.

  "Have you? I'd almost given up."

  "Why don't we go upstairs?" Caitlyn suggested from behind him.

  Suddenly realizing where they were, he stepped into the elevator, followed by Caitlyn and Emily. The three of them stood on one side of the small car, Sarah and her companion on the other, the air thick with tension, with questions, with curious looks. Every muscle in his body was tight, but there was a surge of adrenaline coursing through him, making it impossible to stay still.

  "This is Caitlyn Devereaux, my neighbor," Matt said. "She's been helping me take care of Emily."

  "Is Emily all right?" Sarah asked. "She's crying."

  "She's hungry," Caitlyn said shortly. "And it's about time you came back."

  Sarah lo
oked stricken by Caitlyn's sharp words and moved closer to the man who was with her.

  "I'm Jonathan Mitchell," the man said, slipping his hand through Sarah's. "I'm the minister at the All Souls Church."

  The church they'd just visited. "We were there fifteen minutes ago."

  "You were?" Sarah asked, sounding amazed. "How did you know I was there?"

  "I went back to the old apartment and looked out your window. I saw the steeple, and I knew." He gazed into her eyes and saw that she knew, too, that they both remembered all those nights she'd stared out at the sky, looking for angels.

  Then Sarah's gaze turned back to Emily, to the baby held tightly in Caitlyn's arms, the baby who was beginning to fuss yet again. Matt suddenly didn't know what to do. Should he give Sarah the baby so she could comfort her? Should he take Emily? Should Caitlyn hold on to her?

  Fortunately, the elevator had reached their floor, taking the decision out of his hands. They walked down the hallway, a solemn quartet of adults with one crying baby. He found his keys and opened the door as quickly as he could, knowing they needed to feed Emily before they did anything else. And it was that practical thought that calmed his churning stomach. This wasn't the time or the place for emotion. He had to take care of business in a logical, practical way.

  "I'll get her a bottle," Caitlyn said as they walked into the apartment. "You can talk to your sister."

  The way she said the word sister left no doubt in his mind that Caitlyn wanted him to grill Sarah on why she'd left the baby alone in the hallway. And he would do that -- in a minute. First, he needed to just look at her.

  As his gaze slid up and down her slender frame, settling back on her face, he saw some fading bruises. He caught his breath at the sight, reminded of a time when he'd seen similar bruises on his mother's face. His own hands clenched into fists. "Did that bastard hit you?"