Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

  Sarah started, lost in her own bit of staring. "It's a long story."

  "I'm going to need to hear all of it."

  "Yes, I know. But first I want to say that I'm sorry for dumping Emily on you the way I did. I was desperate, and I didn't know what else to do." Her gaze traveled to the kitchen door where Emily had disappeared. "Is she all right?"

  "She has an ear infection," he said. "Caitlyn and I spent half the night at the hospital."

  "Oh, no," Sarah said in dismay.

  "But she's all right now." Matt was relieved to see the worry in his little sister's eyes. She cared. Sarah cared about her baby. It was a start. "Maybe we should sit down."

  Sarah hesitated, taking some sort of silent encouragement from her companion. Matt didn't know what to make of her relationship with the minister, but he'd deal with him later. Right now he needed to concentrate on Sarah.

  He turned his head as Caitlyn returned to the room. He motioned for her to sit in the armchair while he got to his feet. He was too tense to sit.

  "Why don't you tell me why you left Emily in such a rush and why you ran away from that apartment in Berkeley?"

  "How do you know about that?" Sarah asked with alarm. "Did you see Gary? Did you tell him you had Emily?"

  "I didn't tell him anything. Relax," he added as Sarah looked ready to take Emily and bolt.

  She took a deep breath. "I don't want Gary to know where Emily is."

  "Why?"

  "Because he wants to put her up for adoption."

  "He's the father?" Matt's stomach turned over at the thought of that punk's being Emily's father.

  Sarah nodded. "Yes, but Gary didn't really want to have a baby. It was an accident. He couldn't stand her crying, and his friend told him about this lawyer who put babies up for adoption. Gary said he'd give us a lot of money if we gave him Emily. I told him no, but he wouldn't listen to me, so I took Emily and ran away." She paused for a moment, then said, "I didn't know where to go. And then like a miracle I saw your name in the newspaper. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it was you. But I went to your workplace and saw you come out of the building and I knew it was you, and I knew it was a sign that I should take Emily to you."

  "Why didn't you knock on the door? Why leave without talking to me?" he demanded.

  "I was going to, but I was afraid you'd say no, and I had nowhere else to take Emily. You were my last hope. Otherwise, we would have spent the night on the street."

  "Sarah was beaten up," Jonathan interjected. "When I found her she was in pretty bad shape."

  "That bastard hit you?" Matt asked again, realizing she'd never answered him the first time.

  "Yes," she whispered. "But I'm okay now."

  For a moment Matt was so filled with fury that her words barely registered, but finally they sank in, and he knew he'd have to deal with Gary later. Right now it was about Sarah and Emily. 'Tell me the rest. Where did you go after you left Emily? The church?"

  "Yes."

  "And you've been doing what?"

  "I -- I've been trying to figure out what to do."

  "How about taking care of your daughter?"

  Sarah looked taken aback by his harsh words, but he wouldn't take them back. They needed to face the truth.

  "I wanted to, Mattie. I did. But I didn't have any money or a place to stay and no friends. I was a mess, and I was ashamed for you to see me... to see me acting like..." She drew in a deep breath of courage. "Acting like Mama. I didn't want you to think I'd turned out like her, but I was terrified that I had."

  Matt felt his anger deflate as her words took him back to a time when they'd both been ashamed, both been a mess, both been afraid. And he supposed on some level he'd always been afraid of ending up back where he started. It was one reason why he'd become career-driven and stayed on the move, afraid to settle down, afraid to find himself alone in an apartment with nowhere to go and no one to care about him.

  "I was trying to be a good mother," Sarah said, interrupting his thoughts. "Before Emily came, I kept the apartment clean and took my vitamins and drank my milk. But after she was born, it was so hard. She cried all the time, and I was so tired I couldn't think straight. Gary wouldn't help at all. Then he wanted to give her away, and I couldn't do anything but run. When I saw you, I knew you'd take care of her for me."

  "How could you know that?" he muttered.

  "Because you always took care of me," she said simply, a trust shining out of her eyes that he'd never thought he'd see again, not after the way he'd let her down.

  "That was a long time ago."

  "I still remember. And I still love my baby. I know it might not look like that to you, but I did what I did to protect Emily, to keep her safe, until I could figure out a way to take care of her myself."

  "Which is why you're here now?"

  "Yes." She glanced at Jonathan again. "I've learned a lot about myself in the last week. And I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to be a good mother to Emily." She paused, her gaze traveling to where Caitlyn was trying to pat a burp out of Emily. "Do you think I could hold her?"

  Matt hesitated, not sure what he should say. Caitlyn didn't look like she wanted to let go of the baby, but Sarah was Emily's mother. How could he not let her hold her baby?

  "Sure," he said finally. "Caitlyn?"

  She hesitated for a long second, then she stood up and walked over to Sarah, who immediately got to her feet and took Emily into her arms.

  Emily went to her mother with a big smile, looking like she'd just arrived at the Promised Land, and Sarah wore the same joyous expression. Mother and daughter were back together.

  When Matt turned to Caitlyn, he saw a shimmer in her eyes and knew she'd seen the same thing he had.

  "I should go," Caitlyn said abruptly.

  "Right now?"

  "Yes."

  "I'll be right back," Matt said to Sarah as he followed Caitlyn into the hallway. "Are you all right?"

  "No." She held up a hand as she looked at him with an expression that was a mix of anger and sadness and resignation. "This isn't about me. It's about Emily and Sarah and you. I don't belong in the middle of this."

  "I put you in the middle."

  "Well, I didn't try that hard to get out. But it's time, past time."

  "I will keep my promise. Sarah won't take Emily until I'm sure she'll be all right with her."

  Caitlyn nodded. "I know you'll do the right thing, Matt. Do you realize you finally have your family back? You've found Sarah. And you have Emily, too, now. I'm so happy for you."

  She didn't sound happy. "You should get some sleep," he said.

  "I will."

  "You'll come by later, right?" He tried to make the question sound casual, but he suddenly needed the reassurance that she would be back, because she no longer had a real reason to return.

  "Sure, later. After all, I live just across the hall. We're neighbors, remember?" The reality of her words cut through him like a knife. With Emily gone, would they be anything else except neighbors?

  Shaking his head, he returned to his apartment to find Sarah crying over Emily. "Is she okay?" he asked worriedly.

  "I got her to sleep," Sarah said.

  Matt sensed this was a victory for Sarah, and he could hardly blame her for feeling jubilant. "You should be smiling then, because getting your daughter to sleep is an amazing accomplishment. Believe me, I know."

  "She cried with you, too?"

  "All the time. Frankly, I think she likes the sound of her own voice."

  "I thought it was just me. And I felt so alone."

  "Didn't you have any friends you could talk to?"

  "No. We moved around a lot."

  "What were you doing with a creep like that anyway?" He held up a hand. "Never mind about that. We have a lot of catching up to do."

  "Are you sure you want to? I realize I didn't give you a choice when I left Emily with you. And I wondered afterwards if you were sorry I'd tracked you down, if you wishe
d I'd stayed gone."

  "Are you kidding? I've spent the last thirteen years wondering what happened to you, worrying if you were happy or safe or in trouble. I tried to find you a dozen times, hired private investigators, but I couldn't get a clue. Where did you go? Where have you been living all these years? Were you adopted? Did they take good care of you?" The questions shot out like bullets from a gun. "Sorry," Matt said hastily. "I didn't mean to sound like an interrogator. I just can't quite believe you're standing in front of me."

  "I didn't know you were looking for me. I thought you were angry with me for starting the fire, for burning us out of the only home we had."

  "I shouldn't have said that. You were a little girl. You didn't know what you were doing."

  Jonathan cleared his throat, and the minister and Sarah exchanged a look that set Matt's curiosity on edge.

  "Am I missing something?" Matt asked.

  "I'm going to leave you and your brother to talk," Jonathan said, getting to his feet. "All right, Sarah?"

  "You're leaving?" she asked in dismay, the same dismay Matt had felt with Caitlyn's departure.

  "You have a lot to discuss. Why don't you call me when you're done or if you want to come home."

  "Home? Where is home?" Matt caught a slightly guilty look in Jonathan's eyes. "She's been staying with you and your wife?"

  "I'm not married, and she's been staying in the guest bedroom at my house. Although we have made arrangements for Sarah and Emily to stay at a transitional home beginning on Monday." Jonathan met Matt's gaze head-on, as if he had nothing to hide. Matt still wondered if there was more going on between the minister and his sister than met the eye. But it was just another question he had in a very long list, and he had to take them one at a time.

  Jonathan walked over to Sarah and squeezed her hand. "You have more courage and strength than you know. That's what brought you here. Listen to your heart. It won't steer you wrong."

  Matt saw a nervous gleam in Sarah's eyes after Jonathan left the room. "Well, it's just the two of us again. Amazing. Oh, wait a second..." He walked into his bedroom and returned with the gold chain he'd found at her apartment. "I think this is yours."

  Sarah's mouth trembled as she took the heart necklace out of his hand. "I couldn't find it when I left. I wanted to look for it, but I was afraid to take the time."

  "I'm glad you kept it all these years. Now, tell me, are you really all right?" He searched her eyes for the truth. Sarah wasn't as easy to read as Caitlyn. There were dark shadows in her eyes, shadows of pain, betrayal, and the sadness he remembered. But her eyes were also clear and alert, no trace of drugs or confusion. She looked like a woman who knew what she wanted.

  "I'm fine now that I'm holding Emily again."

  "You can put her down. Or at least sit down; she gets heavy after a while."

  Sarah took his advice and sat down on the couch, settling Emily more comfortably in her arms. "She's the best thing I ever did," she murmured, looking from the baby to Matt. "And I want her to have a good life, better than the one I had."

  "What happened to you, Sarah? Where did they take you after the fire?"

  "They took me to a foster home, the Rodgers. They were okay. They had a bunch of foster kids. I stayed there for about four months."

  "Then what?" She looked away, and he didn't like her expression. His stomach muscles tightened to the point that he thought he might get sick.

  "Mama came to the school one day and told me we were going to be together again."

  Matt felt his heart stop. "Mama came back for you?"

  "She told me we would get you, too, but we never did."

  "Do you think she tried?" Matt tried to stop the question from sliding out of his mouth, but he couldn't.

  Sarah's eyes turned more sorrowful. "I don't think so, Mattie. She said you always reminded her of Daddy and that made her sad. She also said you'd criticize her, and you were almost a man anyway. You didn't need a mother."

  Matt had to turn away as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. It shouldn't matter that his mother had gone back for Sarah and not for him. He'd always known she disliked him for criticizing her. Not that there hadn't been plenty to criticize. But still, he was her son. And he could have helped. He could have taken care of Sarah.

  "Maybe I shouldn't have told you."

  He took in a breath and let it out, wondering how many more shocks were headed his way. It had been a hell of a morning. "You caught me by surprise. I thought our mother had disappeared forever."

  "No. We went to Sacramento after that. Mama found a new boyfriend. His name was Tommy. He just ignored me, but that was okay, because the next guy…" She licked her lips. "Well, there were others, lots of others. We moved around all the time, L.A., Las Vegas, Reno, then back to Sacramento. When I was sixteen she left and never came back." She paused. "I used to think you were old, Mattie, but I realized later on that you were just a kid like me."

  "I'm not sure either one of us was a kid. What happened to you after she left?"

  "I stayed with friends, some girlfriends, some boyfriends," she added, looking into his eyes with shame. "I saw how Mama had survived, and I copied her."

  He shook his head, feeling so much anger, so much regret, he couldn't even speak.

  "That's when I first realized how much like her I was," Sarah continued. "And when I had Emily, I got scared. I was afraid I would lose control like Mama did. I can still hear her that night, the yelling, the screaming, the scraping of those matches against the box, the sparks crackling, the smoke blowing through the air."

  "What are you talking about?" he demanded, suddenly afraid he knew where this was going.

  "The fire," she said, meeting his gaze head-on. "Mama started the fire."

  "No!" He shook his head. "No. She wouldn't have tried to hurt you."

  "I was bad, Mattie. I played with her matches."

  "Oh, my God!" He put a hand to his mouth, feeling sick to his stomach and sick at heart. All these years he'd thought Sarah had started the fire, but instead she'd watched their mother try to burn down their life.

  "She was sorry, though. She told me later she was sorry and that she wouldn't do it again. But..."

  "But what?"

  "She started other fires, here and there, mostly small ones, I think, but I never knew when I heard the fire engines nearby if Mama was involved. Once I asked her, and she got all guilty looking and said she always felt better when the flames were dancing."

  He stared into his sister's eyes and realized that she'd suffered far more than he had. "Do you know where she is now?" he asked, suddenly remembering the woman he'd seen earlier that morning in the hospital.

  Sarah visibly stiffened. "I don't know. I thought for a long time she was probably dead. But last week and this morning I saw someone who reminded me of her. It was so odd."

  "Me, too," he said in a rush. "In the hospital."

  "Yes, in the hospital," Sarah agreed. "And by the church."

  "And in our old neighborhood. She looked like a homeless person. She was carrying a watering can and--”

  "Wearing a straw hat like the one she used to wear when the sun was too bright for her pale skin. She hated to burn."

  Their eyes connected, their expressions mirroring each other's.

  "Do you think that was really her?" Sarah asked.

  "I couldn't see her face. I tried to catch up to her, but she disappeared."

  "I lost her, too."

  Matt blinked, another oddity suddenly registering in his brain. "You were at the hospital this morning? Why?"

  "Jonathan took me to talk to a psychiatrist friend of his. She helped me to see that I might be suffering from postpartum depression and that I might not be like Mama."

  "You're not," Matt said forcefully. "You're nothing like her. You aren't high, for one. You don't do drugs, do you?"

  "No, never, honestly. I used to drink, though, but I stopped when I got pregnant. Gary thought I was a big drag. I know I
should have left him, but it was easier to stay than go. He wasn't bad all the time. And I didn't really think I deserved better."

  "You do, a lot better."

  "Mama made me feel like we were trash. She only came and got me because it was easier for her to get welfare with a kid. She used me, Mattie. I don't want to do the same thing to Emily. I'd rather give her up than raise her the way we were raised."

  Matt let out a breath, his mind reeling with her story. He still couldn't believe she'd been with their mother for such a long time. He'd thought they'd all been split up, but he had been the only one on his own. Maybe he'd actually drawn the long straw and never known it.

  "I don't know if you can believe me," Sarah said. "But I'm going to get my act together."

  "I believe you," he said. "And I can help you." He could protect her now the way he hadn't been able to protect her before. "You and Emily can stay with me," he said decisively, feeling better now that he was taking charge.

  Sarah hesitated. "Maybe for a few days, Mattie, but come Monday I'm moving into the transitional home Jonathan found for me."

  "But why? I can take care of you."

  "I know, but I need to take care of myself and my baby. I can't keep drifting from one man to the next, always looking for someone to solve something for me. If I'm going to be a good mother, I need to solve my own problems. It's not that I'm not grateful. I know you could be really mad at me for dumping Emily on you. I'll try to pay you back."

  "That's not necessary. Emily brought you back to me. That's all I ever wanted."

  Her mouth turned down as she struggled for composure, reminding him of how Emily looked before she burst into tears.

  "Whoa," he said quickly, not sure he could take any more water works today. "Don't get all mushy on me."

  She gave him a watery smile. "I don't deserve you."

  "Hell, you deserve more than me. I let you down before by not believing in you. That won't happen again."

  "I feel so much better. No more running away, Mattie. I know that now. I won't repeat Mama's mistakes. She told me once right before she left that last time that she'd never known what to do with us after Daddy died. And that sometimes she'd look up in the sky and wonder if he was watching her and if he was sad because she was screwing up so bad. It was one of the few times she seemed really clear and really sorry. And she said, Someday you'll be happy, Sarah. Someday you and Mattie will be together, and you'll be happy. She left the next day and I never saw her again. After that I drifted into living her life, but that's over. I'm going to live the rest of my life differently. And I'm starting now."