And don’t get me started on Chris. We had yet to see a major return on any of his investments. Just thinking about it made my neck tense and I could feel a big knot rise up in my neck. I massaged it with my hand and closed my eyes. Panic tore into my thoughts again. Who was gonna cover for me at work when I got sick or when I was home with the baby? If I couldn’t count on Capri to have my back now, what was I gonna do then? Dang, Chris and I didn’t budget for a baby until after next year. I took several deep breaths.
So, Lexi, now what? I had to tell somebody. My dad? But I couldn’t tell him before Chris. I couldn’t tell any of my girls, especially Jewel because she would just run her mouth. Maybe Angel, she was good about keeping things in confidence and she had some sense.
“Okay, Lexi, you’re speaking to yourself in third person, and that is never good,” I said as I raised my finger. I finally put my hand under my blouse and allowed my fingers to dance across my stomach. Instantly, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace, and a huge smile came across my face. It’s going to be alright, God. I just hope Capri comes to her senses before she is out one godchild!
“Angel?”
“Hey girl, what’s up?” Angel said as she picked up the phone.
“What are you doing—did I catch you at a bad time?”
“I was just doing some yoga; I can take a break. What’s going on? You sound a little funny.”
“Nothing . . . well, yeah, there’s something. Umm . . . not sure where to start . . . Okay Angel, I need a little marriage advice.”
“Sure you want it from me? Remember, I can tell you what not to do,” she said as she sat on her mat, crossed her legs, and began to lean her head to the side to stretch her neck.
“Well, I still think you give good sound advice when I need it.”
“Enough said.”
“Well, I just have a couple of issues and I need to know if I really have a reason to trip the way I am.” I took a deep breath. “Okay, you know I love Chris to death and he is a really good man.”
“Lexi . . . do you always have to beat around the bush? That’s one of your worst habits. Just get to the point.”
“What do you mean one of my worst habits? Never mind, okay here it is. Chris lied to me. Well, not really. What I mean is he made a major decision a few months ago without consulting me. And, well, due to some recent developments, it . . . well, it was just wrong.”
“Okay, I need more details, Lexi.”
“He spent part of our savings. Okay, a huge part of our savings for some investments. And now . . . and now . . .” I started to cry. I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose.
“Lexi, it’s rude to call someone stupid. So let’s just say . . . sometimes men do some ‘not so smart’ things. It won’t be the first or the last time. Did you talk to him about it?” Angel said as she stopped the yoga DVD but continued to stretch.
“Yes, but he acted like it wasn’t a big deal. So I said I would just trust him,” I said as I picked up the tray of banana pudding and started shoving the spoon in my mouth again. Uhh, I’m getting nauseous.
“Did he at least acknowledge the fact that he was wrong?”
“Yeah he did,” I said through what I hoped would be my last spoonful.
“Okay. I’m not saying take it lightly, but don’t magnify this one thing and forget about all the good things that he’s done,” Angel said as she stretched out her legs.
“It’s not just that. I’ve been working extra hard to build a law practice. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. When he made that decision, I felt like he took for granted all the hard work that went into earning that money. Angel, I don’t know how much longer I can work like this. And now, and now . . .” I put the tray to the side and grabbed another tissue.
“Lexi, tell me what’s really going on.”
“I don’t know. It seems like nobody understands. Capri can’t relate to my situation. She works because she wants to, not because she has too. She practices the kind of law she wants because she doesn’t really need the money. I don’t always get that choice. Don’t get me wrong, I like to help people, but I don’t want all the criminal cases. I mean, it’s not like I’m jealous, but she’s always had it easy. Besides, she’s not my best friend anymore . . . Chris and his brother Nate . . . the stock market’s down and . . . just how are we going to put the baby through college . . . ?” I tried to get the rest of the words out in between sobbing.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . back it up. Lexi, I can’t even understand you. Did you say ‘baby’?” Angel stopped mid-stretch.
“Uh-huh,” I said, nodding my head as if she could see me.
“Sweetie, are you pregnant?”
“Yes.” My tears flowed down my face like the Dunn River Falls in Jamaica. “Lexi, Lexi, honey, calm down. This is wonderful! I’m so happy for you. I’m so happy for you!” Angel said.
“Yeah, it is pretty great, isn’t it?” I managed to say in between tears and heavy breaths. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve because I was too spent to find a tissue.
“Yes, it’s a major blessing and I’m so glad you shared it with me. This changes everything. Okay, you need to relax. It’s obvious the hormones have kicked in, dear. Second, Capri hasn’t always had it easy. Remember, she did lose both her parents as a child. You do need to be up front with her about your feelings, because ‘business is business.’ Girl, God will work all this out, leave it up to Him. Lexi, you always insist on putting extra pressure on yourself. Let Chris be a man and take up the slack. He’s more than capable or God wouldn’t have sent him to you.”
“Woo, I feel better already. Angel, I can’t believe it. I had to talk to somebody. I haven’t even told Chris yet about the baby. He hasn’t made it home because he’s working late. Besides, I want to wait for the right time. So please don’t tell anybody.”
“I won’t. Now, I want you to get some rest. And by the way, my sister, am I detecting a little spiritual drought? Have you been putting regular time in with the Lord lately, or are you running on empty? I’m not talking about a prayer here or there either, I’m mean real true time with God.”
“Guilty as charged. I don’t know what it is, Angel. I used to study the Word every morning, but over the past few months, it’s been a challenge. And don’t even mention midweek Bible study. I feel so undisciplined. When I was single, all I did was spend time with God.”
“I’m gonna pray for you, Lexi, but you’ve got to do your part. Sometimes we can move away from God little by little and before you know it we are totally depleted. That’s the worst feeling. Then we want to ask, ‘God where are you? I haven’t heard from You; You seem so far away . . .’ ”
“Okay, Angel, I got it. I’ll take my spiritual butt kicking like a woman.” I managed to leak a smile. My, how the tables have turned. Angel ministering to me? But she is right.
“So, tomorrow morning instead of rushing in to work, why don’t you spend the morning in praise and worship? You need to take a ‘Spirit break.’ The beauty of working for yourself is you’re able to make your own hours. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for, so we can’t have you all depressed. Lexi, you’re going to have a baby, snap out of it, sister!”
“Okay, okay, you’re right; I do have a lot to be grateful for. Angel, thank you. I know the Lord had me call you for a reason.”
“No problem, you’ve done it for me . . . a million times. I do have one request, though,” she said after a pause.
“Sure, what is it?”
“In your prayer time, please lift up Octavio. His father is in the hospital and he needs to make peace with him. I don’t want to get into the details, but Octavio is obviously hurting and needs some closure. I’m afraid if he doesn’t go see him soon, his father won’t be here much longer. If Octavio’s dad passes before he sees him, I don’t think he will be able to live with himself.”
“My pleasure, I got it covered.”
“Thanks, Lexi. Men are special. The most logical thing would be for Octavio to go s
ee his dad, but he won’t even talk about it. I know God is going to move his heart soon.”
“Okay, I’ll definitely be lifting him up. This has been one crazy, emotional day. I was tripping big-time.”
“Like I said, Lexi, your hormones are probably doing a few somersaults, so give yourself a break.” She paused. “Oh no, I just thought about something.”
“Yeah?”
“Baby shower—Jewel. For God’s sake, we’re going to have to keep this from her for as long as possible. It’s inevitable. We’re in for another Fabulous Jewel . . .”
“Please, don’t say it. That will be enough to send me over the edge,” I said.
“Get some rest . . . love you, girl.”
“Love you, too!”
As soon as I hung up the phone with Angel, I realized I had not made anything for dinner. I just don’t see how my mother used to do it. She “brought home the bacon, fried it up in a pan” and whatever else it took to keep my dad around and faithful.
It was too late to thaw out any meat so I was really in trouble. “Uh-huh, I got it! I’ll order Chris’s favorite . . . Chinese.” I picked up the menu and ordered sweet and sour chicken, egg foo yong, and fried rice. A few minutes later he walked through the door.
“Hey honey, what’s for dinner?” he said as he walked in and kissed me on the cheek.
“I had a long day, so I ordered Chinese. It should be here soon.”
He picked up the mail from the counter and started thumbing through it. As he was doing this, I stared at the father of my child. Wow, God, you don’t waste any time. How did we get here? I mean, I know how, but you know what I mean. I started smiling.
Chris looked at me. “What’s up with you? Why do you have that weird look on your face?”
“Oh, nothing,” I said.
“Something’s up, but I’m too tired to even try to figure it out. Anyway, Lexi, you know this is the third time this week we’ve had takeout. I’ve been working extra jobs these past few weeks and it would be nice to have a home-cooked meal more than once a week.” After looking at a few envelopes he dropped the stack on the counter.
My smile turned upside down. Boy did he spoil the moment. “Chris, you were fine with takeout when we were dating. Nothing’s changed.”
“Well, sometimes it’s good to challenge ourselves. Besides, if you love somebody, then you try to do things that make them happy,” he said as he looked in the refrigerator and pulled out some juice.
“If you love somebody, you don’t go into the joint savings and spend money without their permission.”
He slammed the fruit juice carton down on the counter and looked at me. “Lexi, it was a bad decision. Why are you rehashing old stuff? Have you ever made a mistake? No, of course not, because you’re perfect. Anyway, you know I’m doing an extra security job here and there to make up for what I did and build our savings back up. You know what I’m doing, so stop nagging me!”
I held up my hand. “Um, did you just raise your voice? My father doesn’t even talk to me like that. You attacked me first.”
“You know what, Lexi? I’m gonna call it a night if you don’t mind,” he said as he unbuttoned his shirt and walked toward the stairs.
“Well, I don’t know where you’re gonna sleep because all your dirty uniforms are in a trail to and over the bed. You want homemade food? Then you might try cleaning up after yourself.” Darn, why do I always have to have the last word? Sorry, God, but I’m working on it.
The doorbell rang as I was about to follow him upstairs, so I went to the door and got the food. I took out one plate and piled the food high. I sat at the table and stuffed my face, for the second time that day. I knew I’d pay for it in a few hours.
As I lay wide awake with my back toward Chris, I noticed the moonbeams slicing through the blinds. Chris slept away from me on the other side of the bed. Normally we’d be all wrapped up together, like a cub snuggled tightly under the mama bear. Boy was I missing and needing that right now.
I started thinking of special ways I could tell Chris about our baby. How could I make it memorable . . . the wording, the timing, all of that? Tears formed in my eyes again, before I knew it. I lay there whimpering.
After a few minutes Chris rolled over. “Lexi, baby . . . what’s going on?” he said, still half asleep.
“I just have a few things on my mind,” I said in between sniffles.
“Okay, then, get some sleep,” he grumbled with his eyes still closed. He scratched his head then smacked his mouth together.
“Chris . . . can we talk?” I rolled over and pushed him until he opened his eyes.
“Lexi, I’m tired. C’mere.” He pulled me closer and wrapped me up in his warmth. “Be quiet, we both have to get up in the morning.”
“But Chris . . . I—”
Zzzzz.
“Great.”
I shook him, then punched him softly. “Chris! Chris, I’m pregnant!”
“Uh-huh,” he mumbled. A second or so later he jumped up. “Did you say you were pregnant?”
“Y-e-a-h.”
He reached over and turned on the lamp near the bed. “Are you sure?” He looked me in the eye, then scratched his head. “Lexi, when did you find out? Why are you just telling me now? I mean, did you know all day? I can’t believe you’re just telling me now.”
I sat up. “I found out earlier today. I was trying to come up with a creative way to tell you. You know . . . something you would remember. Then you ticked me off.”
“Lexi . . .” He was finally coherent. “Wow!” He rubbed his eyes. “This is a blessing, aren’t you happy? I mean, how do you feel?” He grabbed my shoulders, then kissed the top of my head. “You don’t even seem excited.”
“Of course I’m happy . . . and scared. I know this is what I’ve been wanting, I mean a family. But Chris, I feel like everything is happening so soon. This is so soon, Chris. I certainly wasn’t expecting this. But I guess God has other plans.”
“C’mere, sweetie.” He pulled me toward him, gave me a big kiss, and brushed my hair from my face. He noticed my cheeks were still damp with tears. “Big baby,” he said. “I love you. I don’t want you to ever doubt that, okay?” He brushed my face with the back of his hand.
“I know you love me,” I said as he pulled me so close I could feel his heart beating.
We spent the rest of the night too excited to sleep. We lay in the dark calling out just about every baby name we could think of until finally we dozed off at around four a.m.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Study and Show Yourself Approved
I made myself a cup of raspberry tea and pulled back the curtain to look out the kitchen window. I wasn’t focused on the tangerine sun creeping up from the distance, instead, my eyes were fixed on my yard. I actually have a lawn. Everything had happened so quickly since we eloped. Moving into the house, organizing the firm, it had all been so overwhelming. I took a deep breath and really tried to be in the moment. I blocked out thoughts of the office and any other nagging feelings that had been getting the best of me.
While looking out the window, I thought about the lawn in front of the house where I grew up. It was a small, quiet neighborhood where you could leave your door open. I called it “the United Nations,” as it was filled with Black, white, and Asian people. We played outside until the streetlights came on and even sometimes after. I remembered catching lightning bugs and picking clover. I remembered my first skateboard, bicycle, and roller skates and the cuts and scrapes that came with them. I remembered rolling down the hill of my backyard and sliding down the huge hill in my neighbor’s backyard on a sleigh when it snowed. There were lots of smiles, warm hugs, and laughter. I remember my dad’s car driving up every day around the same time. I helped him carry his briefcase in the house, even though I know he carried most of the weight.
I wanted that type of home and more for my baby. God, I’m so scared to bring a child into this world. Things weren’t the same as when I w
as growing up. There was so much out there in the world: a lot of anger, filth, pain, and danger. How will I ever protect my child?
I decided I’d sit in the screened-in porch to study the Word. I loved nature; it was God’s sanctuary, pure and peaceful, especially early in the morning. Boy, it’s been a while since I got up to read the Bible. I grabbed my pashmina shawl from the living room chair and my Bible from the bookshelf and headed for the porch.
I sat and started searching random verses. It wasn’t coming easy. I moved from chapter to chapter, but nothing really spoke to me. So I paused for direction.
Okay, Jesus, I apologize. I haven’t really been studying, but I’m here now. Help me to focus on You and what I’m supposed to accomplish during this time with You. Direct my eyes; give me an open heart and mind to receive whatever Word You have for me. In Jesus’s name. Amen.
Once again, I opened the Bible. Nothing. I waited and waited. Finally a Word.
“Worship.”
“Lord, I’m not really in the mood for singing,” I whispered.
“You don’t have to sing. Meditate. Look at all I’ve done. Take in all I’ve created. Think about the manifestation of your many prayers.”
I put the Bible down and looked out on to the backyard. The sky was so clear. I rubbed the softness of the shawl wrapped around my shoulders. I walked outside and released the air from my lungs. I moved toward the middle of the lawn and raised my arms. I heard music. A red bird danced from one tree to another. I noticed the pinecones on a nearby tree and the acorns that crunched beneath my shoes. I heard the neighbor’s dog scratching the fence and looked down to find clovers, in my own backyard.
After a few minutes, I went back inside. I opened the Bible and turned to Psalm 113:3. “From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” I started humming quietly. Then a song was stirring in my Spirit and soon the words were fighting to come out . . . softly. “I lift up my hands, standing unashamed.” My hands started to rise. “I worship You, Father, exalting Your name . . . I lift up my hands . . .” By the third verse, I was singing at the top of my lungs, my heart filling with each verse until it felt it would leap from my chest with joy.
The Sunday Brunch Diaries Page 13
