by Alyssa Cole
“All of these fuckers and their assbackward ideas,” Bina said with a curl of her mouth. I thought she was talking about Devon, but she was responding to Altaf. “I’m tired of idiots who try to drag people down because they’d rather everyone remain in the gutter. The frightening thing about this is that so many people, men especially, are attracted to the kind of power a reign of stupidity brings.” She glared at everyone at the table, excluding me from her perusal.
Altaf sighed. “I wish I could say you were wrong. But if I had to bet on who tried to take down the telecommunication servers in the area last night...”
“We should probably get to work checking that out. It’s a long ride back to Burnell.” John downed the last of his coffee and grimaced. “I’ll send you some better coffee in my next care package.”
“You’re leaving?” I felt a sudden sharp tingling in my sinuses. Getting caught in the familiar ebb and flow of conversation had been comforting, like the waves of the lake lapping at the shore. I was suddenly a kid again, dreading the end of John’s and Gabriel’s visits from college and med school. After lavishing me with attention, they’d go back to their busy lives, where there wasn’t time for humoring little sisters. My bottom lip poked out in a pout, and I dragged it back in with a press of my teeth.
John came around the table and pulled me into a hug. “I was hoping we’d get to stay too, but this is kind of serious stuff.”
“Now I really don’t want you to go,” I said, squeezing him more tightly.
He gave a dry chuckle. “I’ll be fine. If I survived your teenage reign of terror, I can laugh in the face of anti-government militias. But seriously, we have guards and hopefully this is all just a bluff.”
“Do you think I should be prepared for something to happen here?” I asked.
He disengaged and made room for Mykhail to step in for his hug. “The school itself isn’t a target, but they’ll be beefing up security anyway. I’d tell you to be vigilant, but you’re a Seong so that’s standard operating procedure.”
That got a laugh out of me.
I said my goodbyes to Bina, Altaf and Joanna, who was sweet even though she puked when I waved at her. I had that effect on people sometimes.
As everyone turned to shuffle out, Edwin and I fell into step together. Our hands brushed awkwardly, once, twice, until finally I grabbed his just to stop the way the surprise of his touch made my stomach flip. I didn’t know whether it was the right thing to do, despite the fact that being in undefined relationships with guys seemed to be my forte. I was kind of disappointed in myself—here I’d thought I was going to school to become an independent woman. But when I glanced at Edwin from the corner of my eye, I didn’t regret anything.
“Do you maybe want to go finish that card game?” I asked. I wondered if he could feel my pulse begin to race through my palm as I thought of his lips and tongue and the way they’d left me senseless.
“I do,” he said, but not in an enthusiastic-to-jump-my-bones kind of way. More in the wise-sage-who-knows-more-than-you tone that I didn’t particularly want to hear at that moment. “If you need some time to think things through, that’s cool too.” His gaze skipped across the dining hall in Devon’s general direction.
“Like what?” I asked, not following. The naughty fantasy that had begun to play out in my head skidded to an abrupt stop.
“Like whether you want to be with me for real or you’re just mad with dude about what happened last night. We’re friends, so if we do this we should give it some thought. I’m fine with whatever you want, but I think it would be good for everyone, especially you, if you were sure—”
“Are you kidding me?” I dropped his hand. My voice came out in a harsh whisper, trying to avoid a situation that pulled John into the mix. “After everything I told you last night, you think I was acting on a whim?”
“Maggie. I don’t want you to feel like just because something happened last night—”
“I thought we were past this whole ‘wise older man’ portion of our relationship. I’m not a stupid kid anymore. I made a decision, and you’re second-guessing me, and that’s shitty.”
“What decision? Since when is hooking up with someone a decision?” His brow furrowed in confusion. “Need I remind you that you’ve made out with Devon before too? Should he assume that everything is good to go between you guys because of that?”
My self-righteousness was whacked right out of me with that. It was a low blow, but no less true for that. I’d been mad at Devon for assuming anything about our relationship, and now I was mad at Edwin for just the opposite. The longer he looked at me, the stupider I felt, and I gave in to habit—I got mad and I ran.
“You’re right. Maybe I should think things over. Wouldn’t want to rely too much on my own feelings, now, would I?” Just because I was wrong didn’t mean I could admit to it.
“Do what you have to do, Mags, but I’m getting kind of tired of being cast as the bad guy every time I don’t jump to get in your pants. Maybe you should think about what it is you really want because, honestly? I’m not sure it’s me.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and jogged up to walk next to Mykhail. I followed behind, the literal ass of the group, my position matching my behavior.
As I shuffled past the plate-glass window of the dining hall, a motion caught my eye. Devon, standing with his friends to leave. The look he gave me could best be described as unkind, and more accurately as a glower. He pulled on his book bag and turned his back on me. Although my brief run as Oswego U’s resident player had been fun, I was now down two friends and my world was spiraling out of control again.
I crunched through a pile of fallen leaves. Why do these things happen to me? What’s next? Funny thing. When you ask those kinds of questions, the universe has a way of answering, and not in the way you want.
Chapter Twenty-Two
When I showed up for my shift at the maintenance building later that morning, I was almost sick with nervousness and tongue-tied from rehearsing my apology. I overreacted. I was being shortsighted. Please tell me this isn’t over yet, because I can’t stop thinking about your mouth and hands on my body.
But when I showed up, Joe assigned me to the equipment room where I’d spent my first weeks. “Sorry, Maggie. But things are tense right now.”
“Where is everyone?” The anxiety that had been a lead ball in my stomach grew instead of abating.
“I sent some people over to the plant.” He meant the building on campus where water, electricity and other maintenance-related stuff was housed. “Among other things, they’re prepping for the incoming storm—first snow of the season, and it’s supposed to be a screamer right off the lake. They’re also making sure no one has futzed around with anything in there. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, but we found one of the fuse boxes pried open and some of the wires pulled out. Not the right ones, but you never know what else they got into.”
“Some people tried to break into the telecommunications building too,” I said, realizing he had to be aware of that already, given his position. He nodded, and then patted a passing co-worker on the arm and signaled for him to hold up before giving me an apologetic glance. “I have to check some things out around here. Why don’t you head on downstairs?”
And then he was off down the hallway.
My shift was only a few hours long, but it felt like approximately a Jurassic Age. Every time someone walked by the closed door, I expected it to swing open and Edwin to walk in and perch on my desk. But each time the footsteps passed me by. I knew what it was to miss someone so much it hurt, and I never wanted to feel that way again. That didn’t stop the need for Edwin’s presence, or the lack of it, from crawling over my skin like poison oak. I fidgeted around the room, rearranging shelves, dusting off cabinets and finally sitting down with a pen and pulling out a notebook to jot down the song that h
ad started forming as I’d separated screws and rewound extension cords.
I huddled over that piece of paper for the rest of my shift, and when it was over I had more scribbles and scratches than viable words. This was something new to me, being unable to write. Usually I could take all my unruly feelings, extract the necessary parts for my music and then move on. But there was a disconnect between my words and what was churning in my belly. My control of simile and metaphor alike had abandoned me. Each word landed like a lump of coal instead of soaring and pulling me up out of my morass with it.
I ripped out the paper, taking what small satisfaction I could, crumpled it like the garbage it was and shoved it into the pocket of my sweater. I decided to make my way to the library, where I had to pick up a book for my Disaster Lit class. I had to check on Danielle too. If I got over my ego, I could admit I wasn’t eager to go back to the dorm, where my chances of running into Devon were pretty much 100 percent. He’d decided to save me the trouble of avoiding him, though.
He was standing in front of my job, impervious to the blustery wind that cut through my tights. I thought it was the cold that made my eyes tear up, but I couldn’t be sure. The past few weeks of hanging out hadn’t made me love him the way I used to, with a tenderness I could feel in my bones, but I still cared. If we’d actually dated, it would be easier. There was a protocol for breaking up with a guy who was a lying jerk. But what were you supposed to do when the person who had betrayed your trust was a friend?
“Hey,” I said. Just because the sight of him made me want to run far away didn’t mean I had to show it. “Did you enjoy the rest of the party?”
He grimaced. “Not so much. It was no fun without my best friend.”
I tilted my head. “Oh, who’s that? I don’t think you’ve introduced us.”
He stamped his foot a couple of times, not out of anger but because the thin material of his shoes wasn’t made for the dropping temps, and he stared at me impatiently. I didn’t cave.
“I know you’re not talking about me, Devon. If you lie to, force yourself on and abandon your best friend, I pity everyone else you come in contact with.” His outburst the night before had been shocking in the moment, but had gotten lost in the memory of the show and everything that had come after. Devon had a temper, and I should probably be more afraid that he’d shown up at my job. Instead, the pain in my chest outweighed everything else. I sighed and made the decision I thought was best for me. “We probably shouldn’t talk anymore. Maybe...maybe if I feel like I can trust you again. But honestly? I don’t know if that’s even possible. I think you could be a great guy, but it would be more useful if you were a great friend. That’s what I deserve.”
A shadow of anger crossed his face where he should have registered regret. “Is this because of Danielle getting herself into trouble last night?”
I held up my hand. “Danielle didn’t ‘get herself into trouble.’ Greg gave her something that made her pass out, and the blame is totally on him. That has nothing to do with this, but the fact that you’re framing the situation in such a gross way proves my point.”
I hated the way he was looking at me, like I was a bad smell and he was trying to figure out the source. “Why don’t you just say it? This is because of that guy who’s always sniffing around you. Did he tell you to stay away from me?”
I scrunched my brow in confusion. “Edwin? He doesn’t have any say in who I’m friends with.”
“Now who’s the liar? I saw you holding his hand this morning. I get it now. To think, all this time I thought you were into me, but you were just using me to make another guy jealous. So typical.” He shook his head in disgust.
“Even if I was dating Edwin, he would have no say in who I’m friends with. He’s the one who told me to give you a chance to explain yourself.” He didn’t like that bit of info, but he needed to know that not every guy was like him. “And typical? Typical of what?”
“When I first told the guys about you, they said you seemed like the kind of girl who got off on attention from guys. Those tight pants you wear, the red lipstick, the crazy hair and fuck-me heels. I told them they were wrong. Shows what I know.”
It was a sweet superpower, being able to twist reality so you always turned out to be the victim even as you left a trail of carnage behind you.
“Un-fucking-believable.” My teeth pressed against each other hard from the angry clench of my jaw. Indignation spurred me past him and onto the path toward the library. I’d done nothing but try to be a friend—yes, there had been the hope that there could be something to salvage from our teenage romance, but that had always been a long shot. He’d run several plays out of the douchebag playbook, but I was the bad guy. I could have explained everything wrong with his logic, but in his mind I would always be the one who’d mistreated him. “Good luck getting laid with that attitude.”
“I had no problem with that last night,” he called after me. Okay, that stung a little, but only because it reminded me of what had happened with Edwin the night before and his anger when I’d blown up at him earlier.
I rewarded Devon’s revelation with a loud laugh. I didn’t think he’d try anything, but I let my hand rest on the hammer that hung from my tool belt as I walked away, just in case. I channeled the rock star swagger that had run through my veins on the stage and bopped confidently away from him, just to show I didn’t care. At least not in the way he wanted me to.
“Fuck you,” he yelled after me, his angry voice echoing as if it bounced back from the dull gray sky overhead. I’d once thought he had the most beautiful voice in the world. I’d felt privileged to match my own voice to it. But sometimes even discordant notes can briefly produce a beautiful sound.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The cold whipped at me as I walked toward the library, the battering breeze a refreshing distraction from my anger. Despite my reluctance earlier that morning, I wished I had driven off with the Burnell crew. I remembered that they had their own program opening next year if everything went on track. If I could just tough it out for a semester and a half, maybe I could transfer. Or maybe when I went back home for Christmas break, I’d call it quits then. It was the cowardly thing to do, but I’d never claimed to be brave. There were enough other Seongs filling that role.
When I walked into Penfield Library, which looked more like a fortress from the outside than an institution of learning, I headed over to the information desk. “I’m looking for Nuclear Courage, the book about the Falling Leaf Five? I need it for my Disaster Lit class.”
The girl behind the desk didn’t look up from the book she was reading. “We’re out of copies. If you have credits, you can buy it at the bookstore.”
I sighed. I should have finished it before Arden took it to California with her. “But everything at the bookstore is way overpriced. My teacher said it would be in the library.”
She held up the book she was reading and wiggled it in my face just enough that I could see the title in simple font. “This is the last one, and I’m not done yet. Maybe next time don’t wait until two days before the assignment is due?”
My anger nearly boiled over right then. Edwin, Devon, Greg, neo-Luddites, and now this—the irrational part of my brain was sure the world was conspiring against me.
Then the girl looked over my shoulder and pointed. “Or you can ask her. Her uncle wrote it, so she might have a copy. The weird chick with the hat.”
I turned and saw Danielle pushing a cart laden with books. She gave me a bright smile and a wave. I left the girl at the desk to her reading and strolled over to her. My mood lightened just a bit as I took in her T-shirt, which featured a smiling kitten shooting a glitter cannon. The words Fuck Off exploded in a sparkly streak across her bosom.
“How are you?” I asked. “I got your message that said you were feeling better. Sorry about not waking you for brea
kfast, but I thought you’d want to sleep in.”
“I’m fine. Are you okay, though? And what was up with your brother coming? Was it related to the sirens last night?”
I filled her in on what John and Mykhail had relayed, and she scowled and gave the cart an annoyed kick. It was strange seeing real anger on her face. “I hate these neo-Luddites. They don’t care what people have given up for us to get to this point.”
“Yeah, they suck,” I said. “That reminds me. Your co-worker told me you might have a copy of that Nuclear Courage book. I didn’t know your uncle wrote it. That’s cool.”
Her eyes went wide, and then her gaze slid away from me. “Sorry, I don’t have any copies. I have to go put these away now.” She pushed the cart away without a goodbye.
I almost sniffed my armpits; something about me was repellent. Or maybe I should have asked Mykhail whether Mercury was retrograde. He didn’t like being teased about astrology, but the world seemed off-kilter.
As I was leaving, Sassy Rudebritches at the information desk waved me over. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face splotchy. “Sorry I was a jerk earlier. I was at a rough part of the book when you interrupted me, and I took my feelings out on you.”
“Yeah, I think we’ve all suffered from book-induced psychosis before. No worries.”
She sniffled and smiled at me. “Someone just returned a copy if you still want to check it out.” After scanning it, she handed it over. “It’s so good. There’s even a love story!”
I trudged back to my room under a sky that was one solid gray cloud. I wondered if they had been able to prep at the facilities building and if Edwin was okay. I wished I’d been able to help; it sucked to think of my team doing hard work while I’d sat around in the equipment room. Then a thought struck me, one that contributed to the general shittiness of the day—maybe Edwin had specifically asked Joe not to send me to the plant. Maybe he’d said he didn’t want to work with me again. No more Larry and his cheerful smile. No more Rosie and her colorful moods. Felix’s protective curiosity would be a thing of the past. I couldn’t bear to think of work without Edwin. Or work with Devon. Oh fuck, I hadn’t thought of that.
