by Alyssa Cole
“You always held something back around me after that day in Darlene’s place,” he said. “And I was okay with that because you were just my friend’s sister. The day I caught you singing I got to see the real you, who you were when I wasn’t there making you feel awkward.”
“Why didn’t you—Fuck.” I paused as his fingers hit a spot that made my whole body go tight. I leaned my forehead against his and rode out the trembling pleasure that momentarily stole my ability to speak. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I was learning it was hard to have a conversation when a guy was trying to get you off at the same time.
“Things were already weird, given our history, and then when you got here, Internet Dude was on the scene.” He looked regretful, even though he was the one making me hot with the friction of both his hand and syncopated thrusts from his still-hard cock.
I let my head fall back as sensation raced up my spine.
“I don’t want to hold anything back from you tonight,” I said. “I don’t want to be with you because of some stupid goal. I want you because you make me laugh, and you make me crazy and you’re always on my mind.”
“Are you—” he began, and I hopped out of his arms and off the bed, quickly pulling off my jeans, tee and undergarments and placing my hands on my hips.
“Am I sure? Yes. Let’s do this already.”
His gaze ran appreciatively over my body, followed by his hands. His palms dragged down over my collarbone, then the slope of my breasts, brushing roughly over my nipples again and again. Each pass of his hand over the sensitive skin drew a little gasp from me, higher in pitch after each go-around, like a windup toy reaching the end of its spring.
He flashed me a devilish smile. “I was going to ask if you were thirsty, but this is good too.” He laid me back on the bed and his mouth followed the trail of sensation his hands had already made on my skin. He breathed over my clavicle, sucked at my nipples, dragged his teeth over the undersides of my breasts. I dug my fingers into his sheets and tried to process the variety of sensations. His tongue forged a path to undiscovered lands as he licked his way down. The slick slide of it across my belly was magnetic, pulling feathery brushes of tingling heat in its wake.
“Edwin?” I wasn’t afraid of him, but I still pressed my knees together instinctively. He parted them gently, settling my legs over his shoulders. His muscles flexed beneath my thighs as he adjusted his position, and then the only muscle I was aware of was his tongue. He licked into me roughly, sliding across every nerve along my clit and propelling waves of pleasure through my body. I couldn’t stop trembling and I wondered if the way my body was reacting without my control was normal. Was my abdomen supposed to keep tightening like this? Were my legs supposed to shake with strain, even though he was supporting my weight?
Something nudged at my opening and slowly slid in, and all my anxious thoughts faded into so much white noise. His tongue licked and pressed and his fingers, first one and then, just when I had gotten acclimated, another, stretched me. My hips rocked up to bring my clit to his mouth and down to meet the thrust of his fingers, each motion building to bring me closer and closer to falling apart—or to coming together.
He licked a little slower and curved his fingers on the withdrawal; I scooched down the bed after them as if they beckoned me. I didn’t know where the condom came from; I was distracted by the way he pumped himself with the hand he’d just used to pleasure me, the way my wetness was slick on his cock before he rolled the condom over himself. Then he kneeled between my legs again, shoving a pillow under my butt to give me some comfort before the inevitable pain.
He lowered himself over me and our lips met as he slid just his head in and stopped. He pulled his mouth away from mine and dropped his forehead to my shoulder.
“What?” I asked, pushing my hips forward.
He clamped a hand on my waist to prevent me from moving. The muscles of his back rippled under my hand. His eyes were serious and his voice strained when he spoke. “I don’t mean to sound like a sleazy cliché, but you’re so fucking tight. I don’t want this to hurt too much.”
“That’s so sweet,” I said, and it was. I felt every ounce of his care for me in those words, and I knew for sure that I hadn’t been wrong to place my trust in him. That didn’t stop me from knocking his hand away from my waist and thrusting up. One of us had to be brave, and the longer we waited the more it would hurt.
I cried out—I’d underestimated how painful that sharp pinch would be. I’d started to believe it had to be a myth. Why should something so popular cause such pain? I’d been wrong.
Edwin cried out too, but in pleasure, and thank goodness, then he took over. I lay in shock for a moment as he moved in me, wondering why I’d wanted this, why I’d ever thought it could be good. Then Edwin twisted his hips up and to the left, and his cock rubbed against a spot that sent a burst of undiluted “fuck, yes” through me instead of the shredding disappointment of only moments before.
His gaze caught mine and held it as he repeated the motion, and another ribbon of pain was replaced with something hot and pulsing and fantastic. I nodded, and he kept up the motion. Sweat beaded on his brow and his hands were busy touching and teasing me, as if trying to compensate for the discomfort he’d caused me. His thrusts and the strokes of his fingers between my legs felt amazing, but I knew he was holding back from the way his teeth were gritted and the muscles bunched at his neck. I could feel how close he was from the way he grew even harder and hotter inside of me. He was holding his orgasm off until I’d had mine. Sweet, but unrealistic. It was my first time and, unfortunately, I didn’t think life worked like that.
I wrapped my legs around his waist, joining my feet behind his back for leverage while I increased the pace of our joining. His cock pushed even deeper, and I cried out, grabbing him by the back of the neck with one hand and the bed with the other. “Come for me,” I managed on a pant. It was creepy, but something I’d seen guys tell their women in books I read, and it was supposed to work like a charm.
Edwin was immune to the command, apparently. “Maggie.” My name was dragged out of him, a desperate plea. I couldn’t give him what he wanted, though—or I thought I couldn’t. Then his thumb pressed into my clit, hard, and the orgasm pulled me under without warning. The sheets bunched between my grasping fingers and my entire body lifted from the bed as I screamed my release.
Edwin followed, grunting and groaning and making strange un-Edwin-like sounds as he thrust hard into me one last time.
He rolled us over onto our sides, running his fingers through my hair, kissing me and telling me how special I was.
I smiled against his forearm, turned my head and dropped a kiss there. “Are you always this wonderful, or is this the post-devirginization special? A girl could get used to this.” I winced as he pulled out, even though he was trying to be careful.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, kissing my eyelids. “Do you need anything?”
“An ice pack,” I murmured, and he laughed.
“You’re going to give me a big head,” he said, and I shook my head.
“We wouldn’t want that. If that thing gets any bigger, there’s no way we can do that again.”
He ran his knuckles along my jawline. “So you’re already planning round two then?” he asked, lying down beside me.
“And more,” I said as I drifted to sleep. “And more.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
I’d never thought about what would happen after I was no longer a virgin. I’d looked at it as a one-off thing I’d cross off of my to-do list, secure in the fact that something important to me was no longer up for grabs.
But I hadn’t known that one night wouldn’t be enough. I’d hoped our night together wouldn’t be the last time, but I hungered for Edwin in ways I hadn’t thought possible. Without discussion, we began spending near
ly all of our free time together, and during that quality time I learned that there was a lot more to sex than the one-and-done mindset I’d had for years. After just two weeks, spending the night away from him left me tossing and turning. I would zone out in class, distracted by the taste of him and how he’d groaned the first time I’d taken him into my mouth, like I was a sex goddess instead of a newbie. Mostly, I thought of how he made me feel in those quiet moments when we weren’t all over each other, when we laughed and talked.
Edwin was taking business management track classes, with the exception of the World Mythology course he shared with Danielle. Of course, that was what he loved the most. I hadn’t read many of the myths since junior high, so he shared his favorites with me, analyzing the text and how they fit into our modern world.
“Which characters from Greek mythology do you think we’d be?” I asked as we drove back from work in his truck. It was snowing in earnest. The only difference between late autumn and winter in this area was whether we got a ton of snow or a shit ton of snow.
Edwin shook his head. “You really did grow up in the age of the internet quiz, didn’t you?” I rolled my eyes, and he tugged my earlobe. “I don’t want to be any of those characters. They don’t exactly get happy endings.”
“And you think we will?” I asked without thinking.
He pulled up to a stop sign and took the opportunity to lean over and kiss me. “Of course we will. Remember, there’s a whole Hernandez squad watching out for us. You get covered under my guardian angel plan, like insurance.”
It was a small thing, but I felt a sudden tightness in my chest that he would include me in something as intimate as his family’s imaginary protection plan. Was that his way of saying that he thought they would have approved of me? I pretended the answer to that question was yes.
He dropped me off in front of my dorm, pulling me in for a kiss that made me deeply regret that I couldn’t invite him in. “Are you sure that paper is due tomorrow morning? Can’t you ask for an extension?” he asked. His fingers tugged at the button of my woolen jacket.
“You wouldn’t be encouraging me to fall behind in my studies, would you?” I asked. “You’re supposed to guide me on the path to glory, O wise elder.”
I knew he was joking, since he was much more serious about getting his work done than I was, but I was tempted to help him along with the buttons.
“I’ll show you glory, all right.” He coiled, as if he was going to pounce on me, but I opened the door, letting in the brisk breeze in.
“I’ll see you tomorrow night. Remember we’re gonna have a snowmageddon movie night? I’m not sitting through four feet of snow by myself.” I gave him a last peck on the mouth before sliding out of the car and jogging through the cold to the lobby of the dorm. Once he saw me safely inside, he pulled away. It hurt seeing him drive off. The logical part of me knew that having time to myself was essential, but my desire to be with Edwin bordered on obsessive.
It’s normal, Arden had emailed when I’d gone to her with my concerns. Once you learn all his annoying habits you’ll get over it. I’d stared at the message doubtfully. I already knew lots of his annoying habits and I was still way too into him for my own good. Arden sent a follow-up message before I could respond. I still get excited like a puppy whenever Gabe comes home from a shift, so take that advice with several grains of salt.
The truth was, I was disquieted by how wrapped I was in him. Edwin had always had a kind of power over me; now it was just acknowledged by both of us. And now he had the ability to take it away. But I wouldn’t give up the way he smiled at me because of a few fears. I told myself it was okay as long as I maintained a balance. No fucking up my schoolwork and no ignoring my friends.
I knocked on Danielle’s door before heading to my room. When she opened it, I looked shiftily about and pulled open one flap of my coat. “Can I interest you in some fine, high-quality product? Fell off the back of a truck.” I shimmied so the two packets of hot cocoa I’d stuffed in my inner pocket earlier showed.
She smiled, but I didn’t get the giggly laughter I was used to her from her. Maybe she was mad at me because I hadn’t been able to do breakfast as much over the last couple of weeks. I’d worked hard not to make her feel like I was choosing a guy over our friendship, but sometimes a morning booty call meant that waffles had to wait.
“Oh, sorry, it’s just... I have someone over. We got assigned to work on a project together. That’s it.” It was the way her brow creased anxiously and the words ran together as she talked that tipped me off to who was behind the door. She pulled it open a bit to reveal Devon reclining on her bed. Relaxed. Natural. As if it wasn’t the first time.
He gave me a brief lift of his chin.
It was all so ridiculous. The sixteen-year-old still latent in my brain screamed at the betrayal, and if Devon had been the man I thought he was, the twenty-year-old me would have too. But I knew Danielle had been scared of him before, and that she had reason to fear men who lost their temper; any possible jealousy was overridden by worry for my friend. I motioned for her to step outside.
She turned to Devon. “Can you excuse me a moment?” And then she stepped out with me into the hall.
“Danielle, is everything okay? I know you never got along with him, so I’m a little confused right now.” I was trying not to sound like a jealous ex, but this was all too surreal for me. I knew a lot could happen in a couple of weeks, but she’d never even seemed too keen on being in the same room with him, never mind alone with him stretched out on her bed.
She put a hand to her forehead, and that was when I realized the bear hat was gone. She wore a stylish slouchy beret instead, the kind with silver sparkles laced through the knit work. “Nothing has happened, but I think maybe I was wrong about him. We got assigned to do a project for chemistry, and I’m terrible at it, so he’s been meeting me for breakfast to explain stuff to me, which is nice of him.” She paused and said almost miserably, “He thinks I’m smart. And he said my art is genius and he can help me get a gallery show in the Student Center this spring.”
Anger and unease twisted in my stomach like a nest of snakes. I knew the charming, seductive side of Devon all too well. It was what had pulled me to my laptop screen every night years earlier, and what allowed me to overlook his huge lie and try to forge a relationship with him all these years later. The ragey side of me wondered just how coincidental it was that he’d suddenly taken an interest in my closest friend. My bullshit detector beeped loudly at the possibility of a gallery show ever happening. Danielle wasn’t stupid, but she was young, impressionable and lonely. I knew I wasn’t responsible for her choices, but I couldn’t help but feel like I’d brought someone into her life who could do her harm.
I felt trapped in a cage made of my own missteps. I hadn’t shared with Danielle the more fucked-up things Devon had done to me, partially because I was ashamed I’d been strung along so easily and because she disliked him already, so it hadn’t seemed necessary. But now, if I busted out with everything, I would seem like a jealous ex trying to protect her territory. You couldn’t tell someone a sheep was really a wolf; they had to find that out when it was time to do the shearing. Still... I couldn’t let her walk blindly into even just a friendship with him. I tried to figure out the right way to politely phrase “He might be a psychopath.”
“Are you mad at me?” Danielle squeaked, fingers inching up under her hat.
Well, yeah. Kind of. But not enough to hope she suffered. I thought about what her last week must have been like, feeling like she was betraying me while I was off having great sex and cuddle time.
“No. No, of course not. I don’t have any lingering feelings for him.” Beyond anger and, now, disgust, that was. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to say the next thing without being condescending. “I want you to be careful, okay? Devon comes in a pretty package,
but he’s not all he pretends to be. I won’t tell you what to do, but gut instincts are often right, and yours was to tell me to stay away from him.”
She looked down, her mouth crumpling from the tentative smile that had appeared when I’d said I wasn’t mad at her. “We’re just friends.”
Even though I was doing what was right, I hated upsetting her. Everything Danielle had told me about her life after the Flare and before Oswego was sad, if not downright horrifying. She’d had less experience with love and more experience with pain than me. I wanted to protect her, but it ultimately wasn’t up to me. I thought again of the romance novels we’d all swapped back at the cabin—even the most reviled villain could be redeemed by a little love and understanding. Maybe Devon needed someone like her to help him get his act together. Maybe she could do for him—or they could do for each other—what I couldn’t. Even if I thought he could use a quick trip down a long flight of stairs, at this point all I could do was try to watch out for her.
“I get it. Just keep in mind that he can be manipulative. I’ll be your friend no matter what, but if anything feels weird to you, you shouldn’t brush it aside.” I reached into my pocket and handed her the two packets of cocoa. “Here. I need caffeine more than sweets anyway to get this paper done. A sugar crash at two in the morning won’t do me any favors.”
She gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before slipping back into her room. I caught Devon looking our way as the door opened.
Before it closed, I shot him a glare, pointing to my two eyes and then jabbing my fingers in his direction. I’m watching you. I didn’t stop glaring until the door closed, and then I stepped into my messy lair and paced back and forth, trying to tamp down the suspicion that this was the beginning of something bad. It was out of my control, whatever the ultimate outcome was. I’d warned her, and if necessary I would confront Devon. For now, I would do my work and mind my own business. Part of being a good friend was being there to catch someone when they fell—I just hoped Danielle wouldn’t need that particular feature anytime soon.
