"Yeah."
"Then why have you got a safe, if it's empty?"
Candiotti's eyes narrowed. "I used to keep my receipts in it, all right? Before all these burglaries started. Then I figured I'd be smarter to take the money to the bank every night."
"Sure, that explains it," I said. "Still, a kid like that, looking for a big score to feed his habit, he wasn't just after what was in the till and our wallets. No, it was as if he'd gotten wind of a heavy stash—a few grand or more."
Nothing from Candiotti.
I watched him for a time. Then I said, "Big risk you took, using that thirty-two of yours. How come you didn't make your play the first time you went to the register? How come you waited until the kid mentioned your office safe?"
"I didn't like the way he was acting, like he might start shooting any second. I figured it was our only chance. Listen, what're you getting at, huh?"
"Another funny thing," I said, "is the way he called you 'Mr. Cyclone Man.' Now why would a hopped-up kid use a term like that to a bar owner he didn't know?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Cyclone," I said. "What's a cyclone but a big destructive wind? Only one other thing I can think of."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"A fence. A cyclone fence."
Candiotti made a fidgety movement. Some of the wet gray pallor was beginning to spread across his cheeks again, like a fungus.
I said, "And a fence is somebody who receives and distributes stolen goods. A Mr. Fence Man. But then you know that, don't you, Candiotti? We were talking about that kind offence before the kid came in . . . how Pitman, down in San Jose, bought some hot stereo equipment off of one. That fence could just as easily be operating here in San Francisco, though. Right here in this neighborhood, in fact. Hell, suppose the stuff taken in all those burglaries never left the neighborhood. Suppose it was brought to a place nearby and stored until it could be trucked out to other cities—a tavern storeroom, for instance. Might even be some of it is still in that storeroom. And the money he got for the rest he'd keep locked up in his safe, right? Who'd figure it? Except maybe a poor junkie who picked up a whisper on the Street somewhere—"
Candiotti made a sudden grab for the .32, caught it and backed up a step with it leveled at my chest. "You smart son of a bitch," he said. "I ought to kill you too."
"In front of witnesses? With the police due any minute?" He glanced over at the two customers. The woman was still sobbing, lost in a bleak outpouring of self-pity; but Anchor Steam was staring our way, and from the expression on his face he'd heard every word of my exchange with Candiotti.
"There's still enough time for me to get clear," Candiotti said grimly. He was talking to himself, not to me. Sweat had plastered his lank hair to his forehead; the revolver was not quite steady in his hand. "Lock you up in my office, you and those two back there . . ."
"I don't think so," I said.
"Goddamn you, you think I won't use this gun again?"
"I know you won't use it. I emptied out the last two cartridges while you were on the phone."
I took the two shells from my left-hand jacket pocket and held them up where he could see them. At the same time I got the kid's Saturday night special out of the other pocket, held it loosely pointed in his direction. "You want to put your piece down now, Candiotti? You're not going anywhere, not for a long time."
He put it down—dropped it clattering onto the bar top. And as he did, his sad hound's face screwed up again, only this time he didn't even try to keep the wetness from leaking out of his eyes. He was leaning against the bar, crying like the woman, submerged in his own outpouring of self-pity, when the cops showed up a few minutes later.
THE TERRARIUM PRINCIPLE
Andrea Parker was on the back porch, working on her latest project—the planting of seeds in a bottle terrarium—when she heard Jerry's car in the driveway. She took off her gloves, brushed flecks of potting soil off her gardening shirt, and went into the kitchen to meet him as he opened the garage door. There was a preoccupied scowl on Jerry's face. He looked rumpled, the way Columbo used to look on television. Which was unusual; her husband may have been a police lieutenant attached to the Homicide Division, but he definitely was not the Peter Falk type.
He brushed his lips over hers—not much of a kiss, Andrea thought—and said, "I could use a drink." He went straight to the refrigerator and began tugging out one of the ice trays.
"Rough day?" she asked him.
"You can say that again. Except that the operative word is frustrating. One of the most frustrating days I've ever spent."
"Why?"
"Because a man named Harding committed murder in a locked room this morning and I can't prove it. That's why."
"Want to talk about it?"
He made a face. But he said, "I might as well. It's going to be on my mind all evening anyway. You can help me brood."
Andrea took the ice tray away from him, shooed him into the living room, and made drinks for both of them. When she brought them in, Jerry was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed, elbow resting on one knee and chin cupped in his palm. He really did look like Columbo tonight. All he needed, she thought, was a trench coat and a cigar.
She handed him his drink and sat down beside him. "So why can't you prove this man Harding committed murder? You did say it happened in a locked room, didn't you?"
"Well, more or less locked. And I can't prove it because we can't find the gun. Without it we just don't have a case."
"What exactly happened?"
"It's a pretty simple story, except for the missing gun. The classic kind of simple, I mean. Harding's uncle, Philip Granger, has—or had—a house out in Roehampton Estates; wealthy guy, made a lot of money in oil stocks over the years. Harding, on the other hand, is your typical black-sheep nephew—drinks too much, can't hold down a job, has a penchant for fast women and slow horses.
"This morning Harding went out to his uncle's house to see him. The housekeeper let him in. According to her, Harding seemed upset about something, angry. Granger's lawyer, Martin Sampson, happened to be there at the time, preparing some papers for Granger to sign, and he confirms the housekeeper's impression that Harding was upset.
"So Harding went into his uncle's study and either he or Granger locked the door. Fifteen minutes later both Sampson and the housekeeper heard a gunshot. They were sure it came from the study; they both ran straight for that door. But the door was locked, as I said. They pounded and shouted, and inside Harding yelled back that somebody had shot his uncle. Only he didn't open the door right away. It took him eight and one-half minutes by Sampson's watch to get around to it."
"Eight and a half minutes?" Andrea said. "What did he say he was doing all that time?"
"Looking out the window, first of all, for some sign of a phantom killer. Harding's claim is that window was open and Granger was shot through the window from outside; he says Sampson and the housekeeper must have been mistaken about where the shot came from. The rest of the time he was supposedly ministering to his uncle and didn't stop to open the door until the old man had died."
"But you think he spent that time hiding the gun somewhere in the room?"
"I know that's what he was doing," Jerry said. "His story is implausible and he'd had arguments with his uncle before, always over money and sometimes to the point of violence. He's guilty as sin—I'm sure of it!"
"Couldn't he have just thrown the gun out the window?"
"No. We searched the grounds; we'd have found the gun if it had been out there."
"Well, maybe he climbed out the window, took it away somewhere, and hid it."
"No chance," Jerry said. "Remember the rain we had last night? There's a flower bed outside the study window and the ground there was muddy from the rain; nobody could have walked through it without leaving footprints. And it's too wide to jump over from the windowsill. No, the gun is in that room. He managed to hide it somewhere during those eight and one-h
alf minutes. His uncle's stereo unit was playing, fairly loud, and if he made any noise the music covered it—Sampson and the housekeeper didn't hear anything unusual."
"Didn't one of them go outdoors to look in through the study window?"
"Sampson did, yes. But Harding had drawn the drapes. In case the phantom killer came back, he said."
"What's the study like?" Andrea asked.
"Big room with masculine decor: hunting prints, a stag's head, a wall full of books, overstuffed leather furniture, a large fireplace—"
"I guess you looked up the fireplace chimney," Andrea said.
He gave her a wry smile. "First thing. Nothing but soot."
"What else was in the room?"
"A desk that we went over from top to bottom. And model airplanes, a clipper ship in a bottle, a miniature train layout—all kinds of model stuff scattered around."
"Oh?"
"Evidently Granger built models in his spare time, as a hobby. There was also a small workbench along one wall."
"I see."
"The only other thing in there was the stereo unit—radio, record player, tape deck. I thought Harding might have hidden the gun inside one of the speakers, but no soap."
Andrea was sitting very still, pondering. So still that Jerry frowned at her and then said, "What's the matter?"
"I just had an idea. Tell me, was there any strong glue on the workbench?"
"Glue?"
"Yes. The kind where you only need a few drops to make a bond and it dries instantly."
"I guess there was, sure. Why?"
"How about a glass cutter?"
"I suppose so. Andrea, what are you getting at?"
"I think I know what Harding was doing for those eight and a half minutes," she said. "And I think I know just where he hid the gun."
Jerry sat up straight. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I'm serious. Come on, I want to show you something." She led him out through the kitchen, onto the rear porch. "See that terrarium?"
"What about it?"
"Well, it's a big glass jar with a small opening at one end, right? Like a bottle. There's nothing in it now except soil seeds, but pretty soon there'll be flowers and plants growing inside and people who don't know anything about terrariums will look at it and say, Now how in the world did you get those plants through that little opening?' It doesn't occur to them that you didn't put plants in there; you put seeds and they grew into plants."
"I don't see what that has to do with Harding—"
"But there's also a way to build a bottle terrarium using full-grown plants," she went on, "that almost never occurs to anybody. All you have to do is slice off the bottom of the container with a glass cutter; then, when you've finished making your garden arrangement inside, you just glue the bottom back on. That's what some professional florists do. You can also heat the glass afterward, to smooth out the line so nobody can tell it's been cut, but that isn't really necessary. Hardly anyone looks that close."
A light was beginning to dawn in Jerry's eyes. "Like we didn't look close enough at a certain item in Granger's study."
"The ship in a bottle," Andrea said, nodding. "I'll bet you that's where Harding put the gun—inside the ship that's inside the bottle."
"No bet," Jerry said. "If you're right, I'll buy you the fanciest steak dinner in town."
He hurried inside, no longer looking like Columbo, and telephoned police headquarters. When he was through talking he told Andrea that they would have word within an hour. And they did—exactly fifty-six minutes had passed when the telephone rang. Jerry took it, listened, then grinned.
"You were right," he said when he'd hung up. "The bottom of the bottle had been cut and glued back, the ship inside had been hollowed out, and the missing gun was inside the ship. We overlooked it because we automatically assumed nobody could put a gun through a bottle neck that small. It never occurred to us that Harding didn't have to put it through the neck to get it inside."
Andrea smiled. "The terrarium principle," she said.
"I guess that's a pretty good name for it. Come on, get your coat; we'll go have that steak dinner right now."
"With champagne, maybe?"
"Sweetheart," he said, "with a whole magnum."
ON GUARD!
(With Michael Kurland)
At ten-thirty Saturday morning I parked my van in front of 2419 Melrose Place, on the fashionable north side of St. Albans. The house was a two-story Colonial set behind high, neatly trimmed hedges and a rolling sweep of lawn. All very posh.
Mr. James Gregg was obviously well off, and could no doubt afford to buy just about any type of sophisticated theft-proofing apparatus. But then, some people are stingy and others are cautious. In any event, I would soon find out why Gregg had answered my ad in the St. Albans Press.
I got out of the van and went around to the rear. When I opened the rear doors, Sam Boy barked softly and leaned his head out to nuzzle my hand. He was a ninety-pound German shepherd and a product of the specialized training course I devised a number of years ago—one of the finest, most intelligent animals I've ever worked with.
After he had jumped down, I closed the doors again and then walked up to the front door of the Colonial. Sam Boy followed obediently at my side, and sat when I stopped on the porch.
I rang the bell, waited half a minute. Finally the door was opened by a middle-aged, red-haired guy wearing an alpaca golf sweater. He was no servant, which meant that Gregg probably didn't employ servants; the house wasn't really that large, anyway.
"Yes?" he said. Then he noticed Sam Boy sitting behind me. "Oh, you must be the man from On Guard!"
"Paul Ferguson," I answered, nodding. "Mr. Gregg?"
"Yes. Come in, please. That's quite a . . . an imposing animal you have there."
"He is that," I said. Different people have different reactions to ninety pounds of German shepherd, but Gregg struck me as the kind of man who wouldn't be intimidated by man or beast.
My ad in the Press said, "Expertly trained guard dogs are the best home security—satisfaction guaranteed. Write On Guard!, Box 238, this paper." But I've found that most people have no idea of what an expertly trained guard dog is, or what to expect from one. Some think it's merely a large dog that barks a lot if someone passes too close to the house, while others expect the animal to patrol the house and grounds constantly, identify burglarious intent in the mind of the trespasser, and hold him in one place until the return of the owners. Still other people expect a friendly companion who can babysit the kids; and yet another group looks for a ravening monster who must be kept chained and can be handled safely by none but his master.
Gregg led Sam Boy and me down a richly carpeted hall into the living room. He invited me to sit on the couch, and then brought in cups and a silver pot of coffee. His wife was out shopping, he explained, but whatever he decided would be fine with her.
Then he asked, "Just what are this animal's capabilities?"
"Were you thinking of using him inside or outside?"
"Inside. I want to safeguard my collection, among other things." He patted the side of a glass-fronted cabinet.
"China?" I asked.
"It's called majolica," he said. "Actually, it's a type of earthenware."
"Very pretty."
"And very expensive. Every time I go out I'm afraid that when I come home I'll find that I've been cleaned out."
"Surely with this valuable collection and your other property, you've installed a burglar alarm."
"Yes, but I don't trust it," Gregg said. "Burglars are clever, as I'm sure you know. Besides, my neighbors are some distance away on both sides. If the alarm went off, they might not even hear it."
"Well, the ringing alone would probably scare off any housebreaker."
"So I've been told. But I prefer not to take any chances. I might reasonably expect a dog to keep burglars out of the house, mightn't I?"
"Absolutely," I said. "No one but yourself or member
s of your family would be allowed admittance unless accompanied by one of you."
"What will he do if a burglar shows up?"
"Stop him," I said. "By brute force, if necessary. Before one could get past Sam Boy, he'd have to kill him; and killing an animal like Sam Boy in a darkened house, while the dog is making one heck of a racket and trying to tear his arm off, is a job no sane burglar will undertake."
Gregg thought this over.
"You'd have to take proper care of him, of course," I said. "Both to keep him in top shape and to win his lasting affection. But a dog that loves you is an animal that would do anything for you. You need only to communicate to him what you want done; German shepherds are surprisingly intelligent. I'm not exaggerating, sir. You can't beat a good, well-trained guard dog."
"I don't know," Gregg said, but I could tell that he was already about half-sold.
"I'll tell you what, Mr. Gregg," I said. "The animal is expensive, and I want to be sure you're satisfied and Sam Boy is happy with you before final placement; I'll give you a two-week trial period at no charge. At the end of that time, you either write me a check for five hundred dollars or I take him back."
"Five hundred is a lot of money."
"The dog, untrained, is worth over two hundred, Mr. Gregg. But you'll have two weeks to decide. Why don't I just let Sam Boy sell himself?"
I called Sam Boy over and formally introduced him to Gregg. Customers always like that sort of thing, and Gregg was no exception. Just watching the way he ruffled the dog's fur and responded to the way Sam Boy nuzzled his hand told me we had him sold on the trial-period idea. And he confirmed it a moment later.
For the next half-hour Gregg and I went over the details of feeding, watering, grooming, and otherwise caring for the dog, and I taught him the half-dozen basic commands he would need to work Sam Boy. "I think that's everything," I told him finally. "You won't have any problems, I'm sure, but I'll check back with you periodically just in case."
"Very good, Ferguson."
Small Felonies - Fifty Mystery Short Stories Page 14
