by Pamela Ann
Chapter 9
Lindsey
Trying to squash my disappointment from not hearing anything from Dimitris, I eventually put my phone on silent mode. I had to stop taking it out of my purse¸ double and triple checking it every other minute or so, hoping he had thawed out and considered last night’s events to be just one of the things we would slowly discuss together without trying to hurt or insult my past actions.
I knew he was thinking level-headedly, and I couldn’t put the blame on him for being sensible. Regardless, if we were to work this complicated relationship out, he and I had to find a common ground, one that would work for both of us in regards to the future and not something that would suit his needs and compromise mine.
On our drive from the hospital to a local coffee shop, he was uplifting, easing the mood by making silly jokes while rehashing the past with enthusiasm. Most of them were of me making a fool of myself, though at that time, he had no idea those “funny incidents” were to get his undivided attention. They were desperate juvenile attempts, but looking back at them, I could laugh it off without feeling offended. I could fully see them for what they were—childish and comical.
Once we got to the cozy coffee shop, Brody ordered for us while I went to go find us a spot all the way in the back where they tucked away comfortable couches with a lot of board games, books people left here and there, magazines, crosswords, word puzzles, and whatever fun stuff most college students adored. It had its own charming, comforting style, which was probably the very reason we all hung out there in between classes. It was where we indulged in gossip, poured our hearts out when frustrated after boyfriend fights, or when our hearts were cracking in two—this was where it all happened. Therefore, it felt like it was a good place to put an end—a closure—to my past with Brody. It was also a good place to begin a bright road for renewed friendship.
Brody came to find me about five minutes later, carrying a small tray of two hot cappuccinos sprinkled with chocolate dust atop the frothy cream and a plate that consisted of cheese danish, mini blueberry muffins, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and apple strudels.
“Will this do?” he enthusiastically asked as he set the tray on the distressed-looking coffee table before taking the chair across from me.
Pretty much. I grinned at him. “This will do mighty fine. I skipped lunch—well, forgot about it more like—so I’m crazy starved.”
“So did I,” he murmured as he took the coffee off the tray and handed it to me.
We sipped our hot beverages in comfortable silence while I focused on not getting scalded by its hotness. Brody, on the other hand,, busied himself sipping his drink with his eyes fully glued on me. It would have been fine under normal circumstances, but things had changed.
“You need to stop doing that, you know. We’re not together anymore,” I cautioned him before meeting his eyes. Longing was etched in them, as was regret.
“It’s the first thing that enters my mind every time I wake up in bed without you in it, Linds. I know. There’s no need to rub it in.”
“Crap. I didn’t want to be insensitive about it. This—everything’s been rather hard.” Hurting him wasn’t part of my agenda; however, for me to be able to have my own happiness, I had to.
Brody sounded truly wounded, and I couldn’t help feeling its sting. Since when did I become so fucking sensitive? Today of all days, me mellowing down for Amber, then this. Sigh. Was I losing my bitchy touch these days? Damn. The idea of shedding my signature personality was downright depressing.
No wonder people hated falling in love. It made the stronger population pansies who cried during sickeningly sweet love songs. Yes, a tear or two had rolled down my face when I had been driving from my house to the hospital earlier that morning from hearing Bruno Mars’s heart-wrenching ballads. I was pathetic, and I was hesitant in owning it. Emma might fit into the mold since she had a flare for those singsong you-and-I-will-forever-be-together kind of crap. Not that it was bad, but this, the mopey side of me? It sure as hell irritated me deeply because I wasn’t like this. It was like I couldn’t help becoming pathetic, and I had no idea how to stop it.
I was used to tough love. Fighting my way through life, even fighting through loving Brody, hoping one day he would see me as a woman who was crazy for him rather than Carter’s baby sister. I withstood it all. What I hadn’t anticipated, though, was proposing for my own marriage. Every time I was reminded about what I had done last night, I cringed from the horror of it.
While Brody was lost in his own thoughts, my mind raced for ideas, hoping Dimitris and I come to the same place. The one where I sat there looking at him, miserable and utterly desolate that he and I hadn’t worked out.
“Wanna play some checkers?” I blurted out, hoping he would take the bait. I mean, I wasn’t against “discussing” his feelings or having that type of conversation with him, but I needed something else to do other than raking over the past.
Feelings and Lindsey Mason weren’t the best of friends, and since it appeared we were going down this memory lane route, my energy needed something else to focus on or else my emotions would become magnified, and then what? I would most likely breakdown there … in that fucking coffee shop where we were surrounded by people that went to our school. I would be a blubbering mess in front of Brody, spouting complaints that my accidental marriage proposal had been rejected by the love of my life and that he hadn’t since contacted me.
Not speaking to anyone about my humiliation was eating me raw inside, yet I wasn’t ready to openly say the words, not until I had spoken to Dimitris. Until then, I would most likely simmer in its mocking pathetic-ness.
Brody made a noncommittal sound of clearing his throat, causing me to seek out his eyes. “You sure you want to play checkers? I don’t mind it if it helps you, you know … deal with this.”
I nodded, not wanting to clarify how on-point he was about me, as I cautiously placed the coffee on the table. Once the mug was set, I went to the nearest bookshelf to scout for the game we all had enjoyed playing growing up. Taking out said game, I then went back to our spot, sporting a lighter mood.
“So, how have you been since...?” I asked as I took the board out of its well-worn cardboard box.
“Since you left?” he emphasized. “Well, what do you think?” He gave me a knowing look that didn’t need responding. “Let’s look back, shall we?” He cleared his throat before casually sitting back, his heated intense eyes never leaving my face. “When I was about three or four, I remember my best friend bragging about this beautiful baby sister he just had. So, when I came with my parents to the hospital to visit his mom and brand new sibling, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. But, when it was my mom’s turn to hold the pink, tiny, bundled baby, I didn’t expect to be captured by this new form of life. I remember thinking that I’d protect you, too, just like Carter told me he would do for the rest of his life.
“Growing up with this little girl was fascinating—watching her grow gradually from a pretty cute kid to a very stunning, strong-willed woman, a very beautiful, sexy woman. I’m not sure when it all changed, when I started noticing things about her that would keep me awake at night just thinking about her smile and how she made me feel funny inside. But I knew Carter wouldn’t be happy with it, and at the same time, I didn’t want to break my promise that I’d protect her, too. She would do things, things that left me aggravated, angry even, flaunting herself so readily in front of my friends. She was a spitfire of a woman that most of my friends wanted, and it didn’t take long until one of them found the guts to ignore Carter’s threats about staying away from his baby sister.
“When I found out what Cooper did and how far he went with her, I drove around for hours, feeling lost because I wasn’t sure how I’d deal with my anger and hurt. Most of all, I felt betrayed because this girl that used to follow me around, making my life a little brighter, wasn’t a little girl anymore. I hated myself for getting angry, so I resorted to drinking until I could no long
er see the image of her while my friend Cooper kissed her, touched her in ways I could only dream of doing. That night, when I was on my way home, it was as if I was done. I wanted to confront her, tell her she was making a mistake choosing Cooper. That Cooper wasn’t worthy of her. That he didn’t know her as well as I did.
“But when I confronted her, she was ready to chew my head off. I wasn’t sure why she was so angry with me. So we fought because I, too, couldn’t contain my emotions. What I didn’t expect was how it would turn out. So, when I accidentally kissed her, I fucking lost it. I didn’t care that she was with my friend, because I was selfish, and I wanted her far longer than Cooper ever did. After that night, even after the mind-blowing sex, she was still seeing Cooper and even daring to date other men.
“There I was, confused because I wanted this girl for myself, but she was unattainable. So I let her set the pace, not wanting to pressure her into exclusivity. I loathed knowing she wasn’t mine. However, I felt she needed more time to come to terms with things between us. I gave her space, which turned out to be the biggest mistake I’ve ever done.
“Letting her go to Greece was going to change everything, but I was too fucking absorbed and too fucking stupid to see it was fucking possible for her to really fall in love with another man—the guy who had been waiting for her all her life. And what came after that small summer trip, I can’t even talk about it.”
Our eyes met. Mine filled with unshed tears; his appeared dead. “So how have I been? Well, I’ve been feeling like shit because I was too stupid to speak up and demand things that were supposed to be my right. I let my feelings for her get in the way, hoping she’d come around when ready. But you were never coming around, huh, Linds? Because, after you came back from Greece, even though you came to me, you weren’t really all there. I was just that guy from your past to pass the time while you waited for him to come after you, and when he showed up at that party, you knew it was a game changer.”
Mother Hell. Why did it have to be so difficult rehashing the past? Of course I remembered the day Dimitris Kosta had come back into my life, all set and ready with divorce papers. I still remembered the anger I had for him then, but what I didn’t recognize was that I was already jealous—so fucking jealous that he was thinking about his future with another woman. I was confused by my emotions pulling me in all directions I was so focused on my anger and hurt I felt blindsided when it dawned on me that I was in love with him already. He calmed the raging emotions and made me feel loved.
“Brody, I’m sorry for hurting you. I really didn’t know how much I felt for him until it was too late. All my life, I was convinced it was you I wanted to be with. I fucking adored you, loved you for as long as I could remember. But I’m his now. You need to learn to let go because I’m never coming back.”
I swallowed the ball of pain that was lodged in my throat. “Living in the past won’t do you or any of us any good. I really am sorry for putting you through this. I never wanted to hurt you, but I must follow my heart, and it led me to him.”
He flinched before looking away, blowing out a breath. “It still pains me to hear you say it. This shit still hurts.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, wanting to comfort him, although what he wanted was truly impossible to accomplish.
“I know you are, Linds. That’s why it’s harder to stomach. I keep thinking that, if I just confronted Carter when we were still freshmen, telling him I was crazy about you, too, instead of pushing you away whenever I had the chance, none of this would’ve happened. But I missed that opportunity, and I’m paying the price for being a coward. I mean, how do I stop loving you when that’s all I’ve known all my life?”
Making a sad smile, I reached out to him. “You try until one day you no longer have to. I saw the way Amber looks at you, and if Trista is right, that girl is crazy about you, too. I never knew she had feelings for you. That’s why it all came as a shock when I found out.”
“What happened with her that one time, Linds … I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, you and I weren’t together then, but I wasn’t even thinking of her. Maybe I was too frustrated that I couldn’t have you, and that’s why, when she offered herself to me, I didn’t push her off. Maybe, in the back of my mind, she was the closest thing I’ll ever get to experience having you.
“It’s a fucked up thing to even consider, but my suppressed feelings for you through the years have made me do a lot of stupid shit. You saw me happily hopping from bed to bed, partying until I was out of my mind. In the sickest way, I was distracting myself because I didn’t want to think about you or what you might be doing on a Friday night. I thought my kind of defense worked fine, until I saw Cooper kiss you. I just became a hot mess from then on.”
“Promise me you’ll try to live again,” I persisted. “Promise me that, even if it hurts, you’re going to put yourself out there. Maybe not with Amber, but with someone else. I hate, hate seeing you like this. I care about you too much to see you like this, Brody. So, please, do this for me. Do this for yourself.”
He shrugged, trying to contain the pain in his eyes. “For you, I’ll try. But know this, when I fuck someone else, I’ll be thinking of you, Lindsey.
“From what I read online, it looks like that French woman is busy being a part of his daily life while you’re here, living your own life that doesn’t include him. So, when this shit falls apart with the Greek guy who has his French lover hanging off him, waiting until you’re out of the picture, you know where to find me. I won’t give up, not until you’re married, not until I know I can’t have you back. From where I’m standing, the game is far from over. He lives in Greece and you’re here. How long do you think that’ll last?”
It was as if he had dug into my heart and mirrored every fear that had plagued me since Trista had brought that article to my attention. It was rather frightening when one’s fears were brought out in the open. It made it even more real. As Brody had stated, Claudine was a part of his daily life while I was living my own that didn’t include Dimitris.
Chapter 10
Lindsey
After finishing our coffee without bothering to play checkers, since the mood between us was rather somber, he and I left the coffee shop so he could drop me off at the hospital’s parking lot where I had left my car.
The drive back left me in my own world of doubts and fears, while Brody was in a much subdued mood, as if confessing all of those feelings he had hidden inside had somehow freed him from the demons that kept him awake at night. I supposed, when one lived with a lot of regrets, it was rather hard not to feel the burden of it all.
The moment we got back to the hospital lot, he parked a few spots away from my car.
Releasing a breath, I unbuckled my seatbelt before I turned to him. “Thank you for persisting we have this talk,” I started before reaching out to hold his hand. It felt warm and familiar. “I love you, too. I’ve loved you all my life, but you must set me free. I don’t want you to wait for me and wish my relationship with Dimitris won’t ever work out, because even if it didn’t, I’m not giving up on him. Not even Claudine and her stubborn persistence will push me away. So, please, do us both a favor and try. It’s the only option that’s on the table. I’m always going to be here for you—always—but I belong to him, Brody. I belong with him.”
He pressed his lips together, as though to refrain himself from responding to my little speech. Without letting go of my hand, he used his other one to tug me close, giving me a warm, comforting hug. Cheek to cheek, his lips grazed my ear.
“I will always love you, Pookie. But I will set you free because you asked me to. I love you enough to try to be brave, even if it breaks me. I want you to be happy.” He kissed my cheek before I felt a little moisture from his eyes. “I’ll see you in my dreams. At least there you’re always going to be mine.”
“Brody,” I choked out on a sob, feeling horrible for doing this to him.
“Shhh … Don’t cry. It tears me
up inside if you keep doing that, and I might get tempted to kiss you just so you’d stop crying,” he murmured softly. “Let me just enjoy holding you for another minute because I might never get the chance to again.”
Holding my tears at bay, I merely nodded as I silently bid him farewell. During that one minute farewell of silence, he and I shut the door on the good times we had shared—from the great laughs that had tickled us until we were blue to the sweet moments shared that we cherished the most. It was sad saying goodbye to a past lover with whom I had shared so many amazing memories. It was as if I was placing him and the rest of what reminded me of him in a section in the back of my brain, securely locking it without wanting to look back. While Brody represented my past, it was Dimitris who represented my future.
Slowly disentangling him from me, I held his face with both of my hands before giving him a tiny kiss. “Goodbye,” I whispered without looking him in the eyes before pushing myself to move and get out of his car. Once I did, I stood behind it, waiting for him to leave. He merely gave me a sad look then drove off slowly, watching me from his rearview mirror until he no longer could.
I stood there, paralyzed as I memorized the back of his car as he drove away. I wasn’t one that liked saying goodbyes to the people I cared about, but I felt that Brody had to hear it from me—that I had no intentions of ever going back to him. Maybe he had based his hopes on my past actions, because I did come back to him even after I married Dimitris as well as after I divorced him. However, things were truly different this time. This time, I had no barriers to keep my feelings at bay. This time, I was ready to be with a man as intense as Dimitris. This time, I was ready to face all of my doubts and fears, never wanting to hold back from the profound love I felt for this one man. I would endure all of it, as long as he and I were together.
He was my future. That was all that counted.
“That was rather touching,” a deep, familiar voice boomed from behind me, making me instantly tense.
