by Quinn, Taryn
I stepped inside the wide, cheerful foyer and marveled at how tidy everything was. She was a capable homemaker. Unless…
“Do you live here alone?”
She turned to me with the pencil now stuck behind her ear and the mixing bowl back in her arms again. The notepad was tucked in the front pocket of her apron. “Yes.”
“All alone.”
“Yes,” she repeated.
I tucked my hands in my pockets and rocked back on my feet. “Hmm. Okay.”
“If you’re trying to ask if I can afford a place like this, the answer is no, not really. Which is why my schedule is fully booked. So, if you don’t mind if we chat while I continue my food prep, that would be awesome.”
She’d taken a step away when I reached out to cup her cheek. She halted, her big blue eyes widening so much it was almost comical. Until I saw her lower lip was trembling to match.
Was she afraid of me? Why?
“Flour on your cheek,” I said lightly, rubbing it away with my thumb.
“Oh. Thanks. Caught up.” She brushed the back of her hand over her cheek and hurried up the hallway, leaving me to follow.
The kitchen was huge and modern with all the latest appliances and plenty of workspace, which was good because she’d covered every surface with pots and pans and more gadgets than I could even identify.
This wasn’t some quickie operation. When she said she had clients, she hadn’t been lying.
“What exactly is it you do?”
She gestured impatiently at the mess. “I cook and bake for those with time crunches. Isn’t it obvious?”
I had no desire to show how little I understood what was happening here, so I just left that alone. “How many clients do you have?”
“Not all of them are consistent. Some take weeks off, and some are on the mini plan. That’s only one or two meals a week.”
“How many, Hannah?”
She didn’t even need a moment to count them up in her head. “Sixteen.”
“Sixteen clients you cook and bake for. How many dogs do you dog-sit for?”
“Mostly just walking now, until I expand my services. But I’m up to three. I have a fourth I’m talking to because of my Facebook ad, so I’m hopeful that may pan out.”
First, she was meeting men on Tinder, now it was random clients from Facebook. How was that safe?
I slipped my hands back in my pockets. I tended to reveal my thought process when I fisted one and tapped my thigh. A tell I hadn’t been able to ever quite shake. “That’s it? No other jobs?”
“Just the one at the café. But that’s only on weekends.” She shrugged it off and went back to mixing.
No problemo.
“Did you neglect to recall the one you’re supposed to be doing for me?”
It was only when she took a moment to answer that I realized she still had the other earbud in, and the tinny music had started playing again. I leaned forward and tugged it out, lifting it to my own ear as she scowled.
“What the hell is this?”
“Biggie Smalls.”
That name didn’t mean much to me. Unless it was something on the classic rock channel I could blast during the rare occasions I had an open road in front of me, I was clueless.
I handed the earbud back to her, and she reluctantly dropped the set into her apron pocket next to her notepad. “No, I didn’t forget the nanny job. I was beginning to think you had.”
“I’ve been busy at work.”
“Bess started filling me in on some basics. We can continue that way.”
Was I mistaken, or was that hope in her voice?
“She can certainly help, and there’s plenty of things she’s more versed in when it comes to my—Lily than I am. But there are times you’ll have to deal with me.”
“I’m sure.” She tucked away a wayward strand of hair. It was streaked with blond, like a few others flying around her face. “She was reluctant to tell me much since she hadn’t been able to connect with you. If you’re having second thoughts—”
“Like I said, I was working. It’s a particularly intense time right now. As for having second thoughts, no, I’m definitely not. I came over here to ask when you’d be moving in.”
It was probably cruel not to feel her out first, to make sure she understood the parameters of the position before I dropped that bomb on her. But really, it was standard for full-time nanny jobs, wasn’t it? If she didn’t know that, it was hardly my fault.
She didn’t speak. I wasn’t even sure she was still breathing. The color leeched out of her already pale face until those big blue eyes were all I could see.
Yes, I was a right bastard. There was no denying it.
“If it’s easier for you, you can live here for a while first.”
“Are you serious? Why would you want to move me into your house? I’ve never even seen it. Shouldn’t I see it first?” She turned away and pushed her hands through her already disordered hair, making my stomach tighten.
I was doing this all wrong.
“We can go see it, sure. It’s not fully set up yet, but yes, whenever you’d like.”
She made a sound that seemed perilously close to a sob. Inside my pockets, both hands fisted.
Fuck.
“Or not. We can ease into the living-in part of the nanny job, if you’d rather. You seem occupied here.” I looked around at the joyful chaos that surrounded us. “There’s just one problem.”
That sound again, deep in her chest.
Oh, shit.
My shoulders locked as she shifted toward me. She was laughing. A little maniacally, but still. It was so rare to even see mirth in her beautiful eyes or for her lips to curve.
Full-tilt laughter was unimaginable.
“Let me get this straight. We slept together, no-strings attached, and now you want to hurry up and move me in your house to be your full-time nanny, although you still haven’t seen fit to inform your sweet grandmother that you banged me?” She whisked tears off her cheeks with her thumbs. “Seriously, Asher, if you want to have sex with me again, you don’t have to work this hard.”
It was my turn to stare. I couldn’t even begin to unpack all of what she’d said.
Except that last part. And my traitorous cock had just taken notice of the tight pink T-shirt she wore under her apron, and her bare calves peeking out from under her cropped jeans.
Calves? Really? Since when were they an erogenous zone?
Since right now, apparently. My whole body had become one. Only activated by her.
Goddamn Hannah Jacobs.
Despite the fact that my dignity was lying in tatters on the floor—I was not moving her in so I could have easy access to sex, thank you—my baser nature was still intrigued by the last part of her statement.
If I didn’t have to work that hard, it meant that….
No.
No, Lily’s well-being came first. If I was paying Hannah, I wasn’t having sex with her.
I exhaled and pushed a hand through my hair. “I realize you don’t know me well.”
“Or at all, sexual congress aside.”
“I haven’t heard that term used in twenty years. Maybe not even then.” It was oddly hot, in a puritanical sort of way. “Regardless, Lily comes first. I would never move you in to satisfy my urges. If I even have them.” Which I wasn’t admitting to.
“Really.” She crossed her arms, regarding me with a tilt of her head. “This isn’t some kind of Hallmark special move.”
“What? God, no. What are they showing on the Hallmark channel now?”
She waved it off. “I’m just saying, this nanny scenario is like the foundation for half the tabloid affairs I read about. No, I don’t read about tabloid affairs,” she added, correctly guessing my next question. “I just hear stuff.”
“I would never take advantage of my position that way.” On that point, I wouldn’t waver. “Lily deserves someone who is wholly committed to her. Like I—” I stopped and exhale
d again.
Like I should be.
I was financially, as well as when it came to keeping her safe. It was the loving her like a parent should part of the deal I hadn’t quite managed. It was early days yet. She was still Billy’s in my head. Would always be Billy’s. He deserved a space I didn’t belong in.
So, where did I fit exactly?
Staying away was less complicated. And more cowardly.
“She had a rough start in life,” I said into the silence. “I want to make up for it as much as I can.”
Hannah frowned. “You know I had misgivings about taking the job. She’s a sweetheart, but the main reason I followed through was because I have mortgage payments to make. If I move in with you, what point is there to me keeping this house?”
Before I could reply, she moved to the window and gripped her throat. “I could sell it,” she whispered, almost to herself. “I could.”
“You don’t have to.” Her gaze whipped to me. “If you want to, sure. But I understand needing a backup plan if the job doesn’t work out.”
But it would. It had to. Hannah was literally Lily’s only hope.
Right now, she was mine too.
“I don’t know if I’ll be a good nanny. But I also know I don’t want to be trapped behind a desk either. I want to be in a kitchen, or outside in the sunshine.”
“Or the wind,” I said drily as crumpled winter leaves blew past the window in the breeze.
“Whatever. I want to see the seasons. Be in them. Good, bad, or otherwise. I don’t want to live inside a box. My mother did that, and it kills me that she never really got to see much of anything before she—” She stopped and swallowed. “Before she passed.”
There was no stopping myself from fisting my hands, not when her pain was so physically palpable. “I’m so sorry.”
Such inadequate words, when all I wanted to do was to take the hurt away. Whatever it took.
“It’s okay.” She didn’t smile to make the uneasy moment smoother. That wasn’t her way. She just let it stand as it was.
I respected the hell out of her for that, along with so much else. She wasn’t a pushover. But she had a giving heart. I’d seen it for myself when she interacted with my grandmother and Lily.
And even with me.
“I don’t want to force you into this job.”
She snorted.
“It might not have seemed that way. How you were with Lily changed everything for me. I didn’t want someone off the street to have the position, and I was dead-set on not hiring you—just like I didn’t hire the women I interviewed before you. Neither of them felt right. Neither of them rushed to hold Lily when she cried and held her as if she mattered.”
Hannah nodded.
“But I’m going to be frank with you. My grandmother is leaving town for a few days with her friends, and I have a big expo for the trade paper association. No one else can handle it for me. My right hand man, Vincent, would try, but he’s not me. I’m the face of the company, and I need to be there.”
Hannah waited, again not filling the gaps.
Damn, I liked this woman. It made things more complicated, but maybe it didn’t have to. I was an adult. I could ignore my needs.
I’d done it for so long now.
“I don’t know how I’m going to juggle both this week. Hell, I’m not sure how I’d juggle Lily period if I didn’t have my grandmother, but that’s a separate issue.”
When Hannah still didn’t speak, I swallowed hard and went for broke.
To hell with my pride. Lily was worth me losing every shred of it.
“Jesus, don’t make me beg. I need you, Hannah.”
Nine
“I need you, Hannah.”
Ironic words to replay in my head as I sat on the ice cold examination table in my doctor’s office.
I was swinging my legs like a kid’s. I couldn’t keep still. A bad habit of mine, especially when I was nervous.
Right now, I was about to hurl. And I wasn’t even certain it was solely from nerves.
It couldn’t be possible.
It just could not be.
I couldn’t be a high school health class warning statistic. I’d waited twenty-three years plus to have sex. Far longer than any of my friends or even my younger sisters. It just wouldn’t be fair.
Then again, what was? My flying-phobic mother had finally found the bravery to go up in my father’s plane only to lose her life on her very first flight.
I’d say that proved fairness was a fairytale.
But I had to be overdue for some good luck. I’d even added a few coins into my karmic bank account by agreeing to meet Asher at his house today once he left work. If I hadn’t had this appointment this afternoon, I could’ve made it easier on myself and spent the time with Bess instead, going over some of the particulars for Lily.
Instead, I’d had a very important test to take, where passing meant I’d have to take care of someone for the next eighteen years.
You don’t want to get stuck taking care of anyone else, huh? We’ll just see about that.
If Dr. Ellis didn’t return soon, I was going to flip the hell out.
She’d had a situation with another patient, but she was adamant about speaking with me. I’d had the same doctor since I was a baby. In a small town, everyone knew everything about everyone else, and your doctor sometimes was more like a friend than a physician. Usually, I appreciated that personal touch.
Not right now.
I wished I’d just peed on a damn stick like everyone else. But I wanted to be sure. No chances. Better to deal with the situation head-on. Positive action. Positive thinking.
Positively about to lose it.
The door opened and Dr. Ellis stepped inside, looking a bit harried despite her gentle smile. Her snowy hair was in a neat updo and she looked perfect from her tidy white coat to her responsible navy pumps.
Me? I was a half-crazed hot—literally—mess who couldn’t stop bouncing in place.
“Sorry about that, Hannah. It’s a zoo in here today. You know how it is before a snowstorm. Worse in here than the grocery store.”
“What snowstorm?” Normally, I was a weather buff, but I hadn’t been paying attention to much that didn’t involve cooking for my clients or was period-related.
As in where was mine, because it definitely hadn’t arrived on time.
“You haven’t heard? This weekend, we’re expecting two feet.” Dr. Ellis laughed and sat on the edge of her desk. Since she was a small-town doctor, her setup wasn’t as fancy as I imagined it might be in other larger facilities. “March weather can be fickle, can’t it? But that’s not why you’re here.”
For a second, thoughts of being shut in with Asher and his baby had overtaken even the possible occupancy of my uterus. I really did not want to deal with being alone with him right now. If I wasn’t pregnant, it would be hard enough, because he was right about a couple of things.
It wasn’t proper having a personal relationship while I was taking care of his daughter. Lily’s welfare needed to come first, not any pesky entanglements that could affect our working situation.
Definitely not any orgasms. I was certain those would affect far too much of my life, as they had already.
Case in point where I was currently sitting, jiggling my legs like a kid hyped on too much sugar.
Asher needed me. How he was so clueless at taking care of his own offspring, I had no idea. Didn’t having a child bring with it some natural wisdom about the role?
You’re about to find out.
“No, but thank you for the heads up.”
“You won’t need to stop at the store. Your kitchen is always well-stocked.” She smiled and shuffled paperwork. “Although perhaps you’ll have to add some new additions. You’re pregnant, Hannah. Congratulations.”
I didn’t blink. Didn’t swallow. The fingers I’d dug into my thighs as I swung my legs went numb, just like the rest of me.
Minus my whirling,
chaotic brain.
“Hannah?”
“Yes. I’m sorry. Are you sure?”
“Very. There’s no mistaking it.”
“But I got my period last month. Maybe the test is wrong.”
Dear God, please rethink this and make it wrong.
It was probably far too late for prayers. That one crazy night had changed my life.
Changed his life.
How was I going to tell Asher? He barely had time for the daughter he already had.
I officially had a baby daddy now—and he already had another kid.
Fuck me.
“Sometimes that happens shortly after implantation occurs. Some women even bleed every month for part of their pregnancy. The process is as individual for every woman as a fingerprint.”
“That’s reassuring.” I tugged at my ragged thumbnail and hopped to my feet. I had some meals to deliver this afternoon and a new dog to take out for his nightly sabbatical before I met Asher at his house for a tour. “Well, thanks. If we’re finished now, I’ll just be going.”
“Hannah, wait.” Dr. Ellis rose and came around her desk to peer down at me through her round Lennon-style glasses. “Typically, I give some counseling at this stage. Just so a woman is aware of her options.”
“Options.” I rubbed my forehead. Already I knew those options weren’t for me. I might not have planned on a baby, but I would be having it. “You mean abortion.”
“And adoption,” she added gently, reaching for a few pamphlets on her desk. “If you’d like, you can read these over, and we can talk after you’ve done some thinking.”
I waved them off. “No, thank you. I’m keeping the baby.”
It was too soon for me to say my baby. None of this felt real. I was still wondering if I’d wake up in bed anytime now.
“Okay then. I’ll prescribe you some prenatal vitamins.”
“Prenatal. Right. Because it’s not just about me and my impending panic attack.”
She smiled kindly and I nearly bristled when she moved forward to touch my arm. My reaction turned her smile into a frown. “I take it this wasn’t news you were hoping for.”
Mutely, I shook my head. I felt guilty for admitting it. I had to be a heathen. What kind of woman didn’t jump for joy when she found out she was expecting?
