by Cox, Carrie;
I shook my head. No, it wasn’t okay. Shit. I couldn’t breathe.
“You’ll be okay. Let’s go out at the next exit and get some fresh air.”
I shook my head, harder this time. “Can’t… can’t… breathe,” I managed to say.
I tugged at the neck of my sweatshirt. It was too tight. It was so stuffy in there. Even the walls seemed to be closing in.
Jack put his hands on either side of my face and stared down into my eyes.
“Kristina, slow down,” he said. “I’m here and you’re going to be all right. I’m going to take care of you, sweetheart. Please, try to calm down.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t going to be all right. It would never be all right again.
I could hear the blood rushing around my ears, making a whooshing sound.
Jack’s voice sounded echoey and distant.
“You’re having a panic attack, Kristina. Sweetheart, you need to relax and slow your breathing.”
I tried to focus on his face. I stared into his warm brown eyes, until everything else began to recede.
My breathing began to slow down. It was still ragged and uneven, and my heart was pounding.
“Come on,” he said, scooping me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing. “Let’s get you outside.”
When we burst out into the parking lot, the cold air enveloped me, stinging my cheeks.
Jack set me down on my unsteady feet and I took a few deep breaths.
I tilted my head up to look at the murky sky.
It was mid-morning and cloudy. I wished it was night-time so I could look up and see the stars. I wrapped my arms around myself and used the sleeve of my sweatshirt to dab at my eyes.
Jack slipped his jacket off and put it around my shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” I said, looking up at him. “How can this have happened? It’s so unfair. Kate doesn’t deserve this.”
“I know,” he said in a quiet voice.
“I can’t do this,” I sobbed. “I’m not strong enough. I can’t handle it.”
Jack pulled me towards him, and I buried my tear-stained face in his chest.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “You can, Kristina, and you will. There is a little baby girl in this hospital and she’s all alone. What would Kate want you to do?”
I swallowed and nodded. I knew exactly what Kate would want me to do. She would want me to go and make sure that her daughter was okay.
My niece needed me to be strong… but all I wanted to do was run away and curl up in a ball somewhere.
I wanted to drink until I couldn’t remember anything.
I wanted to take any kind of drug I could get my hands on to blot out this pain.
But I wouldn’t.
That was the old Kristina, and that wasn’t who I was anymore. I wasn’t broken. I had found a way to hold the fragments of my life together and I wouldn’t give up now.
There was no way in hell I would turn my back on my newborn niece just when she needed me most.
24
I was feeling tired and completely drained. We hadn’t been at the hospital for that long, but after the flight from Monaco, I was wiped out.
I knew that Benjamin was sitting with Kate, and if anything happened, he would let me know immediately. I hunched my back, trying to ease the ache between my shoulder blades. It felt like every muscle in my body was heavy.
“I would kill for a shower right now,” I said to Jack as we walked along the corridor towards the maternity ward and the special care baby unit.
“Why don’t we go back to our hotel for a bit?” Jack suggested. “Benjamin could call us if there is any change.”
I shivered at the thought of leaving Kate right now. The idea horrified me.
“No. I can’t.”
“It’s okay,” Jack said, sensing my panic. “We can do whatever you want.”
He was looking tired too. We’d both been up all night on top of such a stressful day. I suddenly felt guilty. I’d completely forgotten about everything he’d gone through, focusing solely on my problems and my sister.
“Why don’t you go back to the hotel?” I asked. “You can get some sleep and take a shower.”
He frowned. “No. I’m not leaving you.”
I knew how Jack’s mind worked, and I felt guilty even before the words were out of my mouth, but I knew it would be for his own good.
“It would help me actually. You could go back and get me some fresh clothes and my toiletry bag. One of the nurses mentioned they have showers in one of the restrooms. I can shower here and I won’t have to leave Kate.”
Jack nodded slowly. “Okay, I can do that. I’ll get your stuff.”
“Good,” I said smiling up at him. “There’s no point in both of us going without sleep.”
“Hell no. I’m not going to go to sleep. I’ll go to the hotel and bring your stuff straight back with me.”
I shook my head. “That’s crazy, Jack. There is no reason for us both to stay awake. We don’t know when…” My voice trailed off and I felt tears brimming in my eyes. “We don’t know how long Kate is going to be like this…”
Jack entwined his fingers with mine and raised my hand to his lips. “I know, but however long it takes, I’m going to stay with you.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled at him, not trusting myself to speak.
“Shall we go and see the baby first?” Jack asked.
I shook my head. “No. You go back to the hotel. I think this is something I should do on my own.”
Jack looked unsure. “Really? You don’t want me to stay?”
I glanced ahead, along the corridor towards the sign for the special care baby unit as a porter, with a trolley full of white linens, trudged towards us.
I moved out of the porter’s way, pressing my body close to Jack. I wished I could tell him how much it meant to me that he was here, but I didn’t have the words. Instead, I raised myself up on tiptoes and kissed him softly.
“I think this is something I need to do on my own.”
I was pleased that I managed to keep my voice steady.
Jack took a moment before he nodded slowly and leaned in to kiss my forehead.
“I’ll be back soon,” he promised.
I felt empty as I watched him walk away from me.
***
The special care baby unit had the same level of security as the intensive care ward where Kate was being treated. I supposed it was to protect the babies. I’d heard a story once about a woman whose own child had died, so she walked in off the street and took a baby from the hospital. The baby had never been found again.
I shivered, knocked on the door, and waited until the door was opened by a severe looking grey-haired woman.
“There’s a bell,” she said, pointing out a red button that I hadn’t noticed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
Her expression softened. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I would like to see my sister’s baby. She has lost a lot of blood and she hasn’t even seen her daughter yet…”
The woman’s face now lost its severe look altogether. “Of course. Come on in,” she said, closing the door behind me. “If you just use that to clean your hands…” She nodded at the antiseptic hand foam dispenser.
I pumped a small amount of the white foam into my hands and rubbed them together as she watched me to make sure that I cleaned them satisfactorily.
When she was happy that my hands were disinfected, she peered at me over her glasses. “Now, can you tell me the baby’s name?”
I shook my head. I could feel my eyes start to water. My voice was barely a whisper when I said, “I don’t think they have given the baby a name yet.”
She nodded briskly as if this was something that happened all the time. “Can I have the mother’s name then?”
I gave her Kate’s details, and she frowned. “I don’t recognize the name. I’ll check on the comput
er.”
She headed over to the nurses’ station and sat down in front of the computer.
After tapping in a few keys, she shook her head. “No. Not here. What about the father’s name?”
“Oh, his name is Easton. Benjamin Easton.”
The woman looked up and I saw the recognition in her eyes. “Ah, yes,” she said. “Baby Easton. Come with me.”
She led me past a row of clear plastic cots. Each one had a tiny baby inside. One baby was so small that I stopped beside its cot, unable to believe something so small could survive. The poor tiny mite.
I could feel my chest grow tight and my hands started to shake. But I couldn’t lose it now. Not here of all places.
I looked ahead of me to where the grey-haired woman had come to a stop in front of another plastic crib. I took a deep breath and walked forward, eager for the first glimpse of my niece.
She was wearing a white baby gown. Her face looked pink and healthy, and she had the fluffiest tuft of blonde hair. Her eyes were closed, and she was sleeping soundly. To my relief, she looked healthy as far as I could tell.
There were no tubes attached to her and no monitoring equipment beeping away in the background.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
The grey-haired woman nodded. “She is thriving. A real bonnie baby. We are keeping her here for observation for a couple of days. We were worried at one point that she might have a little touch of jaundice, but that’s nothing to worry about.”
I nodded feeling incredibly grateful. More than anything, I wanted to see my sister, sitting up in bed, the color back in her cheeks, holding the baby.
The poor helpless little thing didn’t even have a name yet.
“I don’t think Benjamin, her father, has been to see her yet…”
I hoped the woman would contradict me and say that Benjamin had seen his daughter. I didn’t want my suspicions confirmed, but the grey-haired woman pursed her lips and shook her head.
“No, but I’m sure he’ll come around eventually. It’s a very difficult time, but if he’s the only parent the baby has, I’m sure he’ll step up to the plate.”
I realized she meant if Kate died.
I bit down on the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood. I hardly recognized my voice as it was so cold when I said, “My sister is young and healthy. She will get better.”
I saw the skepticism mixed with pity on the woman’s face and I hated it.
Kate was going to pull through. She had to. My sister was going to look down at her little girl and give her a name.
“Would you like to hold her?” the woman asked.
I took a moment to consider. The baby looked like she was sleeping comfortably.
“Is it okay to disturb her?” I asked. For the first time, the woman gave me a genuine smile. “Babies are always sleeping,” she said. “But I think she would like a cuddle. Human contact is very important for infants, especially in the first few days.”
I nodded and held my breath as she opened up the crib. With practiced ease, she scooped the baby out of her crib and set her in my arms.
I felt the warm little bundle squirm in my arms for a moment before she relaxed back into sleep.
“I’ll leave you two to get acquainted,” the woman said.
She nodded to a chair set by the crib that I hadn’t even noticed. “You can sit down if you prefer.”
I carried my tiny niece over to the chair and sat down.
Looking down into her tiny, perfect face, I thought of everything that Kate was missing. It was so unfair.
I heard a buzzing sound as the door opened and a young couple entered the room. The women was wrapped in a white hospital robe, and the man beside her put his arm around her as they walked to one of the other cribs.
When they looked at each other so tenderly and full of joy, I had to turn away.
That should have been my sister and Benjamin, I thought. Life was so cruel to rob them of this happy experience.
25
On the way back to Kate’s ward, I stopped at a vending machine and bought two strong black coffees. I was running on empty and desperately needed some caffeine to keep myself awake.
I had nearly made it back to the entrance of the ward when Benjamin emerged from the restrooms.
“Hey,” I said and thrust one of the cups of coffee towards him. “I thought you could do with one of these.”
He took it with a mutter of thanks and downed half the coffee straightaway even though it was still scorching hot.
“She’s beautiful, you know,” I said.
A look of utter torment passed over his face.
I knew I was pushing my luck and I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t stop myself blurting out my next words, “It’s not her fault, Benjamin.”
“I know it’s not. I know exactly whose fault it is. It’s mine,” Benjamin said.
I shook my head. “It’s no one’s fault. These things just happen sometimes. It’s awful.”
Benjamin said nothing. So I continued, “You should go and see her.”
“I can’t,” he said through gritted teeth. “Kristina, I’m barely holding on as it is… If Kate…” His voice trailed away.
If I’d ever had any doubts that Benjamin loved my sister, those doubts evaporated.
I hesitated for a moment before putting my hand on his shoulder.
“You can’t blame yourself.”
“Who else should I blame? This would never have happened if I hadn’t gotten her pregnant. Oh, God, Tina, I can’t lose her. I just can’t.”
“I know,” I whispered.
Benjamin opened his mouth as if he was going to say something else when suddenly his head snapped up.
I turned to see what had caused his reaction and saw a man in a white coat step towards us, holding his hand out towards Benjamin.
“Mr, Easton,” he said. “I’m Dr. Jacobs, the hematology consultant.”
Benjamin shook his hand. “This is Kate’s sister, Tina.”
The doctor nodded at me. I sensed Benjamin’s apprehension mirroring my own.
“Is there any news?” I asked.
The doctor nodded his head once more. “Good news,” he said. “We think Kate’s condition has stabilized. The bleeding has stopped, which is a very good sign. We are very pleased with her progress.”
I nodded as a smile spread across my face. “Does that mean she is going to wake up soon?”
“As we have already informed Mr. Easton, we had to sedate Kate because she had lost so much blood. We need to carefully monitor her blood pressure and vital signs, but if things continue to improve at this rate, we should be able to wean her off sedation this afternoon.”
I blinked, trying to take it all in. She was going to be okay. I had absolutely no idea what time of day it was, but I didn’t really care. This was the news we’d prayed for.
After we had finished speaking to the doctor, Benjamin went back in the ward to sit with Kate, and I decided to take my coffee outside and get some air.
I wished Jack was there. I couldn’t wait to tell him the good news.
I fumbled in the pocket of my jeans for my cell phone, and then stared angrily at the blank screen.
Dammit. No battery.
I was pretty sure I’d forgotten to pack my charger too, so I’d have to get a new one.
I tried to calculate the time in Monaco, but came up blank. Math had never been my strong point, and I had no chance of working it out after a night without sleep. I knew Lauren would be desperate for news of Kate, and she wouldn’t care if my call woke her.
I took another sip of my coffee, which had grown cold by now. I guessed I could call her from a public phone, if I could find one.
I tried to remember if I’d passed one on the way here, but my mind had been in no fit state to notice things like that when I’d arrived.
I drank the rest of my cold coffee and dumped the big cup in the recycling bin before heading back inside to try and lo
cate a phone.
I figured they’d probably have them near the entrance, so I set off along the winding corridors and eventually found a call box by the cafeteria. Luckily, it took credit cards.
I shoved my credit card into the slot and punched in Lauren’s cell phone number. It was one of the few numbers I knew by heart.
She answered on the third ring.
As soon as I heard her voice, I promptly burst into tears. I knew that was the worst thing I could do because it would make Lauren fear the worst.
“She’s okay,” I managed to choke out between sobs. “Kate has stabilized. She’s going to be okay.”
26
Jack
I walked swiftly back towards the hospital entrance. I had packed everything I could think Kristina might want into a small duffle bag I’d managed to acquire from the hotel desk. I bundled her toiletry bag and fresh clothes inside and hoped I had picked the right ones. I would be annoyed with myself if I had forgotten anything, but I wanted to do it quickly. I didn’t want to leave Kristina on her own any longer than I had to.
Her panic attack had freaked me out. She was trying so hard to be strong, and I wanted to help. I wanted to make it easier for her, but it was so damn hard.
On the way back to the hotel, I took a phone call from Rita on my cell. She really did seem keen to keep in touch.
She was full of apologies when I told her that I was in the U.S. and what we were going through with Kristina’s sister.
I knew Rita wanted me as a driver for next season. I’d been wined and dined by teams before. They promise you the moon. Then you get the real contract and come down to earth with a bump, but I had a feeling Rita might be different.
The Volder team had a fantastic reputation, and Rita followed in her father’s footsteps. She had a real love for the sport, and I really couldn’t believe she would try to screw me over.
I wasn’t exactly the best prospect at the moment. I was damaged goods. Slow and messed up. I’d told Rita about the incident with the simulator, but it didn’t seem to worry her. She thought we could take it one step at a time, and that was the nice thing about Rita. Somehow she was able to fill me with confidence. She made me believe that I really could make a comeback.
